Downstairs neighbour complaining about my breastpump, AIBU not to change rooms at night?

[Cealee]

Just bought a new powerful pump as I'm exclusively expressing. We live in a flat that's split over 2 levels so our bedroom is on 1st floor, our lounge upstairs on 2nd floor. Our neighbour (on ground floor) caught me in hall to ask what the 'mechanical noise' is that wakes her up I explained its my breastpump and that I need to express at 11pm, 3am and 7am to maintain supply. She said it makes ceiling vibrate and is very loud (even though it's not on the floor it's on a cushion on my bedside table!) She asked me to do it upstairs. I explained this isn't practical as my DH wears earplugs so I need to be able to hear baby if he wakes. She suggested I take baby upstairs with me!! Why should I have to move my sleeping baby upstairs (and risk waking him) every time I express milk? He's just started sleeping through and got used to his cot. And there's no way I'm going to move cot upstairs and sleep on sofa for the next 8months

AIBU to think it's rude to tell someone not to express milk in their own bedroom? It's not like I'm playing loud music! I don't see why neighbour can't just get some earplugs!

DH will not take out his earplugs as he has a long commute to work, needs to be up early. I'd rather he wasn't tired for work or driving.

But it is perfectly fine for your neighbour to be woken, yes?

Christ alive

OP, I think you have been very reasonable so far, a lot more reasonable than a lot of people would be. You have tried your best to compromise. I don't think there is anything more you can do. You have made the breast pump as quiet as possible. You do not have to apologise for your baby crying. That is part and parcel of life and your neighbour has to accept that there will always be some noise, especially in a flat. I think you have done your best. Perhaps buy her a set of earplugs if you think she would accept them but I don't know what more you can do unless you gag your baby (joke). I live in a flat and I hear noise from the other flats, ranging from babies crying to childrens noise to people walking around, even people having conversations. That is just life and unless they were playing loud music or vacuuming at 3am, I really would just put up with it as a part of life in a flat.

Do you have carpeted floors, or hard wood floors, OP?

Whatever, you're pretty sure you are reasonable and tolerant, and the rest of the world of MN thinks that at 3am you could go upstairs and be a nicer neighbour. Up to you, and you are not going to budge. No point any of us repeating again that the baby has a parent in the room to regulate breathing, attend to them if they cry/stir (which they don't usually anyway) - your DH WOULD hear a baby crying through earplugs, and if not he should remove them before he gets used to the complete silence they create and you are stuck with the night wakings forevermore, even when you're not on maternity leave (I know of what I speak) - and that its only 20-30 minutes to just be a bit accommodating. Up to you.

The irony in your posts is that you think you are massively accommodating of the issues of living in a flat, but clearly you are not. It's odd.

You still haven't answered the question that many people have asked: Why can't your DH get up in the night to help with his child?
Many husbands (including mine) have "long commutes to stressful jobs." They still manage to get up in the night to help with their babies.

How do you know that your neighbour hasn't got a long commute to a stressful job? Why is his sleep not to be disturbed but hers can be?

If I'm being honest then yes you're being unreasonable. Why would it be fair to wake up a neighbour several times a night? I would be going mad if I was her.

"I feel I've taken reasonable steps to make pump almost silent for neighbour. Yes she can still hear it very faintly..."

Has she told you this, Cealee, or are you just guessing?

Wrt to the letdown - I remember reading that you can help to trigger let-down, if the baby isn't right there with you, by smelling something that they have worn/been wrapped in. If I recall correctly, this is used to help women whose babies are in NICU and who are pumping for them. Might it be worth trying this at night?

Also, I don't know if you saw my suggestion of using cork mats to stand your pump on - I found that completely removed the vibrations from my dyson fan - vibrations that the carpet hadn't managed to kill.

Wait. Why is it ok to disturb their sleep, but not the neighbor? If you truly think the pump is so noisy, what gives this neighbor priority over children who need to go to school?

Interestingly, OP hasn't answered the question whether the neighbours on either side have ever complained about the noise of the baby, which indicates that they haven't and that the insulation between the flats on either side is better than the insulation between the floors. Furthermore, the properties on either side won't get the vibration effect from the pump. It seems to me that this is an issue which is so easily resolved but OP is determined to reject every single suggestion which involves her doing anything other than carrying on precisely as she wants.

Also if it's only 15 minutes each time then surely you can leave the room and take a monitor with you.. or as others have said your husband can stop sleeping with ear plugs.

And yes, your neighbour could wear earplugs - perhaps she does, perhaps she can't sleep with them in, perhaps she can't get on with them and they hurt her ears, perhaps she is excessively anxious and worries about not hearing a smoke alarm as she lives alone... who knows?

But if she can't wear earplugs then yes, she could move bedrooms, I guess. Why not - someone else has had a baby, and it IS a massive pain in the arse to change your house around, as you've pointed out yourself as you're not going to do it, but it takes a village, right? Perhaps she should be happy to help out a new mum by changing her own living habits...

Or perhaps her other bedroom is below someone else with a noisy toddler/3am shag habit/nocturnal night-shift worker so she's damned if she does, damned if she doesn't.

Anyway, yes, she should probably not live in a flat as she's so sensitive to noise. But presumably she can't afford to live somewhere else.

You are a new mum, you are sleep-deprived, you wish you could just stay in bed near to your baby and get on with pumping because it's a crap job to do and you feel it's important and everyone else should understand and cut you some slack. And I do sympathise with that. But you really are being a bit single-minded and slightly selfish about your family's needs (baby, DH, you) over your neighbour. You have more options than her to control the noise, because you are the one making the noise.

I was worrying about the children either side too, tbh, if op goes upstairs. I guess the insulation might be better, and noise in flats always seem to travel down (sure there is reason for this). Or they could be like my kids and not be easily woken by nighttime sound once asleep (thank fuck).

So you won't know til you try.

I still think mixed feeding, or just ff full stop, will make your whole life better op. Not because of neighbour especially but because pumping at 3am is inhuman.

Maybe if the dh is being an arse about the 3 am session is because he has suggested supplementing with formula and been shouted down.

Or maybe is is lazy fuck.

We don't know because op won't tell us!

SDT thanks for the cork mat suggestion, this is why pump is now barely audible in her flat (I went to her flat yesterday to listen). Pump is now on a stack of cork mats on bed with cushions around. There are no vibrations just a very faint whirring sound that I had to strain to hear in neighbour's bedroom. Neighbour would prefer silence. I feel if I give way on this it will spiral, next she will be complaining about sound of my footsteps or the loo flushing!

Neighbours either side both have kids. I've apologised for baby screaming, one said she 'can't hear a thing' (unlikely as I can hear her toddler but very kind of her) other was sympathetic and we had chat about colic. So I don't think sound insulation is better, just they are more tolerant. I often hear their kids.

Why live in a family-friendly building if you are intolerant of noise? Lots of buildings are 'no children or pets' we struggled to find a flat near city centre when I was pregnant. Or neighbour could choose an area with mainly retired people or a bungalow.

I do think people should make allowances when there is a new baby involved. Babies are noisy! Using equipment to enable baby to feed is not same as choosing to do housework at 3am.

I do think people should make allowances when there is a new baby involved. Babies are noisy!

Yes. Your husband probably needs to make an allowance and realise babies are noisy, so he can't enjoy an unbroken night's sleep while your neighbour suffers. But of course, his needs are FAR more important than hers!

Wow, just read your latest update OP. You really are something. YABVVVVVU and I feel terribly sorry for your neighbour.

The more you post OP the more utterly selfish you sound. I feel so sorry for your neighbour. And your child. He's going to grow up learning your "I'm alright Jack" attitude.

cealee "Lots of buildings are 'no children or pets' we struggled to find a flat near city centre when I was pregnant."

I've never heard of a "no children" building in my life. Do you rent or own?

also, areas and buildings change fast, certainly in London. My area changes make-up every 6 months!

I can empathise with her wanting silence at night - I prefer silence and absolute darkness - but I know that's not realistic or reasonable.

It sounds as if you have made reasonable compromises. Hopefully she will relax now - I do suspect that a previous poster is right, and she's going to bed each night tense, and expecting to be woken at 3am - and that can become a self-fulfilling prophecy - but if she can sleep through once or twice, that should be enough to break that.

As it's a much quieter noise now, hopefully she will become accustomed to it - my parents had a grandfather clock that struck every hour, but I very rarely heard it at night, even though it was only feet from my bedroom door.

DH is against FF. Otherwise I would probably be combination feeding by now or at least using f as a back-up. He also thinks expressing is unnecessary and says baby will latch if he's hungry enough (he won't, he just screams and screams!)
He does help out in evenings but considers nights my job since I'm on mat-leave which seems fair enough (I thought this was normal for most people?)

I just spat my drink out at OP's suggestion that her neighbour should move to an area 'with mainly retired people or bungalows'?????. This MUST be a wind up, surely someone cannot be this much of a twat in the face of 23 pages of people almost exclusively saying she is!!!!!

If your DH is so against FF then maybe he might want to try induced male lactation? What makes him such an expert on how babies latch and breastfeeding? And no - its not normal for you to do all the nights as you're on mat leave.

So because your husband is against ff your neighbour should suffer? Nah, tell him to fuck off. He's not expressing milk three times a night, you are. He gets a cushty nights sleep with his ear plugs whilst everyone else suffers.

I hate people calling people's husbands arses on here, because a lot of the time it's not warranted. In this case it is. Your husband is an arse of the highest order.

I do agree with Kaki and others - many of us and many of our dhs/dps work in stressful jobs with long commutes, but that doesn't excuse them from night time parenting!

Like I said, dh woke up with me when I was breastfeeding, helped when I switched to formula feeding, and was just as much of a parent at night time as I was - dealing with nightmares, wet beds, sickness etc. It is part and parcel of being a parent.

There needs to be compromise on both sides - using sound insulation round the pump is a pretty reasonable compromise on your part, and putting up with a very quiet vibration doesn't sound like an unreasonable thing to expect of your neighbour, imo.

However, Cealee, you say that you are concerned that, if you 'give in' to this, she will carry on and complain about other, normal noises. You could find that, if you do 'give in' on this, it will make her feel positive about you, which might make more complaints less likely rather than more likely. But if you carry on waking her at night, that WILL make her pissed off at you - and if she is pissed off, every single thing you do will annoy her - and may generate more complaints, not fewer.

OP do you not think that your neighbour would live in a bungalow if she could?? I am particularly bothered by noise (not only do I have sensory issues but lack of sleep aggravates other health conditions) and it ain't pleasant. I will be retired (and have scrimped and saved) by the time DH and I can afford a detached bungalow. We live in a semi and the party wall isn't as thick as it might be but NDN is particularly affected by background noise too (for different reasons to me) so we are pretty understanding of each others situation

Glad you seem to have found a solution but I can't believe you prioritise DH's sleep above neighbour's - it's his baby too and his responsibility.

IMO residences should be sound proofed.

IMO it seems silly to move a sleeping baby just because neighbour dislikes noise of pump (it's only for 15mins each time).

3 times a night...add to that, that it probably takes her some time to get back to sleep, so your 15minutes could be an hour or more for her. Losing upto 3hrs sleep is a lot for most people.

You are considerate of your dh, understand why HE needs his sleep & even let him wear ear plugs, yet your neighbour has to put up with being woken several times a night? Can't you afford your neighbour the same respect you do your dh? Why is HIS sleep more important than your neighbours?

From her bedroom I could hear a VERY faint noise from the pump. Had to strain to hear it. Sounds are magnified at night. What is only dull during the day can be more prominent during the night.

being close to baby helps trigger my milk-letdown A photo or something that smells of baby will help achieve that too, also baby regulates breathing from mother's presence in room and father's, as has been stated several times, and if he stirs or wakes I can attend to him before he cries Monitor helps with that too.

Why live in a family-friendly building if you are intolerant of noise? Perhaps she no longer has a fucking choice. Do you know how expensive it is to move? If she said it was only waking her at 7am, I might just agree with you a little, but you are waking her at least twice a night, op. THAT isn't noise that you expect, even when you live in close proximity to children.

Lorelei we rent. Many city centre flats here specify no children but I wonder if this is due to safety (high balconies etc) rather than noise.

Floors are all carpeted apart from kitchen (hardwood) and bathrooms (tiles).

I accept I was being U before by using pump on bedside table. But I have remedied that (thanks to suggestions on here) and pump is now almost silent. I don't feel I can do anything about baby crying other than wait for him to grow out of colic! I walk from room to room with him in sling so it's not as if he's screaming above her bedroom all eve.