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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner has left country for 10 days in week 38-39 of my pregnancy

114 replies

Gen3228 · 08/12/2015 15:45

I feel like there is no way past this for us as couple. Haven't even publicised this to friends and family as am too tired/cowardly to face them all saying What???!!! Have just made another plan to get to and from hospital and have someone with me while kind of minimising why this might be needed.
He was being supportive and there for me but in last few weeks seems to have retreated a bit. But I've got used to turning to him and relying on him for help in this pregnancy and he's suddenly not there.
He has been ringing me every day but the last 2 days we have just argued- he thinks there is no way round him needing to go away for work, I think he has made a choice to put me and the baby after his work in his priorities and left me hanging when I really need him around.
He also has not got round to getting a car seat to take us home from hospital yet. My due date is mon 14th and he comes back on sat 12th eve. He is working on Sun 13th.
It's like he doesn't get that I need his help- or he has checked out of being involved with me and the baby in some way.
Wanted to check with other mums to be that they would feel like me if this happens? Or if I should delay my reaction to this a bit until after baby comes?
I feel I need to get my head round being a single parent at the moment.
I spent the first 1/2 of this week having false contractions and stressing and really hoping the baby will wait until he comes back, now these have stopped and I actually don't mind whether he is there or not as I have decided not to rely on him any longer.

OP posts:

weeblueberry · 08/12/2015 15:48

Why has he gone away? Is it an emergency??

How much of this was discussed before he went?

PotteringAlong · 08/12/2015 15:51

Well you can buy a car seat; they don't just sell them to men.

The work thing depends. Where is he? How can he get home of needed?

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/12/2015 15:51

His employers are bastards too. Does he think he would lose his job or something if he didn't go?

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 08/12/2015 15:52

Is there any way around him needing to go away for work? Is he under a lot of pressure at work? Do they (work) know that he has a partner who is expecting a baby any day now?

VenusRising · 08/12/2015 15:59

Don't rely on him, he's working, get a car seat yourself and enjoy giving birth.
Fwiw I think this reliance of having the dad there actually means the woman gets less and poorer care, as he is expected to run around and support you. Often this is not the case and he is not interested, or freaked out by the whole thing.

He is working to make money- it's a strange thing men do when the baby is coming. They go all "must hunt and get meat"!

Please don't let it drive a wedge between you. Don't take it personally, just concentrate on what you need to do. If he's not there, he's not going to be there- his loss.

I'm glad you have help organised as every new mum needs as much as she can get.

Start cooking batches of dinners for yourself and freeze them and enjoy your last days of pregnancy. Put your feet up and nap! Book a pedicure and a lady garden tidy up. Buy a tonne of very large sized disposable knickers and maternity pads.

Book a physiotherapist, book a lactation consultant, get a cleaner to come over and give the house a deep clean, register with online grocery deliveries, and find out where your nct classes are. Think about hiring a tens machine from boots, and a hospital grade pump to establish breastfeeding.

Best of luck with the birth. I hope it's easy and quick for you both. And that your DH makes it back in time if you feel it's important.

NCISaddict · 08/12/2015 16:02

Tbh I was fine with DH going away the week before my due date (to a friends wedding in Ireland) but it was my second baby and I got my parents to come and stay so I had transport to the hospital and care for DD.
I just got him to phone every day and be prepared to get a flight home quickly if I went into labour, as it was I was three days late so he'd been back for three or four days before anything happened.

I've always bought car seats myself as I was the one that would be lugging them round so that wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

RB68 · 08/12/2015 16:02

Does he not realise that you are term at 38 weeks and baby actually due anytime thereafter and that is NORMAL, never mind if there was an issue etc.

His head is in the sand (ie up his arse)
Employers may not even know but if they do it is extremely poor management that sends away a parent just before baby is due and in actual fact when baby is due given 38 weeks = term
If this is not sorted now then there are going to be big issues going forward when it comes to care of child - doesn't sound like he is up for equal parenting - are you prepared to do it all? Might as well be single then!

4, What is his plan B if you go in early. I wouldn't be telling him MY plan B, but asking him what he is doing about what was his responsibility

If nothing else order him some books which harp on about involvement of the father and such like for plane reading

RB68 · 08/12/2015 16:05

I am all for prev posters get on with it attitude but I am also not behind in shoving large boots where they belong

BooyakaTurkeyisMassive · 08/12/2015 16:10

I would be really pissed off about this too. But I think a lot of this really depends on the attitude of his employers. If it's just his choice he's being a dick. But if it's his employers I have some sympathy. I know quite a few employers will put pressure on men not to make any allowances for becoming a father and dark hints can be dropped about being passed over for promotion or contracts not being renewed if they think that they are 'slacking'.

Akire · 08/12/2015 16:12

What sort of job? Isn't he due parental leave as soon as baby is due?

It's not the fact he has to work lots of men have jobs which could make it difficult. It's the fact he didn't seem to understand why you want him there, why you are worried and why you need him. Is this your first?

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/12/2015 16:14

"Haven't even publicised this to friends and family as am too tired/cowardly to face them all saying What???!!!"
Well you need to stop that right now! Your friends will rally round and be your support network, and that is what you need. You're trying to save face/prevent them from thinking badly of him - these are NOT priorities. And maybe you need to answer those 'What???!!!'s - actually having to say things out loud, having to find the words to express your feelings, can be very helpful. 'A trouble shared is a troubled halved' is very true - not because the person your share with helps you; but the act of sharing helps you to order your thoughts, make decisions and put things into perspective.

"Wanted to check with other mums to be that they would feel like me if this happens?"
I'd be fucking furious. And a bit frightened at what this meant for the relationship, but probably angry enough to carry me through.

And on a practical note since he's already away, his bag is already packed and \i may well be telling him not to come back. He's let you down very very badly.

Original poster

Gen3228 · 08/12/2015 16:18

Thanks all and venusrising...good to be positive rather that sitting at home going grrrr!!!
Well, car seat, I don't actually drive, we live in London and I'm planning to walk and bus it around with the little one...but luckily mum in happy grandparent mode has already bought car seat for her car in prep for taking her around in her car if needed, she has also offered to stay just after the birth so I'm not exactly out of options for transporting us back from hospital. Just personally wanted it to be my partner I guess.
The work that has taken him away is setting up a new business, he is self employed, he feels this is an opportunity that won't be there if he delays it for a bit. It is an opportunity via his cousin who has also put pressure on him to go now and set it up.
So I feel he has a choice...but I get what you are saying venusrising I think his heart is in the right place and he wants to do this for good reasons- it's just hard to separate out my feelings at the moment as I feel all by myself (don't worry I'm not going to start singing that song now!!!!)

OP posts:

Radiatorvalves · 08/12/2015 16:20

Is he normally ok? If so, he is being ridiculous now, but maybe he's having a mini life crisis? I'm trying to be charitable.... Whether you LTB would depend on his track record.

Lweji · 08/12/2015 16:22

It depends on the reason he went away for work. Was it really important, or could he have sent someone else, or have it by Skype?

However, in his place, I'd have made sure you had plenty of support around from other family members, should you need it.
Do gather that support. I'm sure they will be there for you. You don't have to put blame on him, or make him sound uncaring.

As for the car seat, you are just as responsible as he is, unless you divided up preparation tasks and that was clearly his.

Radiatorvalves · 08/12/2015 16:23

I say this as someone whose DH was away for my entire pregnancy. Thanks Navy. He made it back just in time for birth, but I did have friends lined up.

Original poster

Gen3228 · 08/12/2015 16:23

Yeah whereyouleftit I am trying to avoid answering that question and save face- can't deny that!!
But I kind of want to stay in a happy place to welcome the baby when she comes, I think we will need to think seriously about our relationship after the birth though because I wanted to rely on him and he was not there :-(

OP posts:

Lweji · 08/12/2015 16:23

Sorry, cross post.

But if you feel he is supportive at all other times, and if he will continue to be supportive, I would let this one go, with a clear warning that it's not to be repeated without your agreement.

Miloarmadillo1 · 08/12/2015 16:25

He's not a 'partner', though, is he? Why are you protecting his reputation with your family and friends? If he is not there to support you, you need the other people in your life to rally round. Maybe some of them will tell him a few home truths. Your baby may well be late, but he can't guarantee that - he's prioritising work over seeing his child born and supporting you as you become a mother. Doesn't bode well....

BlueJug · 08/12/2015 16:28

Mine left too and flew 5500 miles. I went into labour early. Called him. It took him 2 days to get home but the baby was slow coming so he was there for her birth. I was fine on my own though. DD 18 now. We have had our problems but he has been a good dad to her and she adores him.

No help to you now but nice to put it in perspective.

BlueJug · 08/12/2015 16:32

PS what other people think is irrelevant! Many of my friends regularly judged my relationship. Those that had fixed views on how a partner "should" behave and judged me didn't neccesarily stay married/ together for very long.

lorelei9 · 08/12/2015 16:33

tbh the fact that he is self employed makes me look more badly upon it...how far away is he?

Original poster

Gen3228 · 08/12/2015 16:34

Thanks bluejug

OP posts:

Inertia · 08/12/2015 16:35

Why on earth are you hiding this? You're going to need support from family and friends, you need to start being honest with people.

Do you have a birth partner lined up,someone to drive you to the hospital, someone to help you into the hospital with your bags?

Seriously, you do need to make sure that people around you are aware of the full facts so that they can help you.

Hairyfairy01 · 08/12/2015 16:37

Dh went to USA in a lads holiday when I was 36 weeks pregnant. It was booked before we knew about the pregnancy. There's not much you can do but try and relax and make alternative plans just in case.

DinosaursRoar · 08/12/2015 16:38

He's not acting like you are both having a baby, he's acting like something is happening in your life that he'll try to support you if he can, like a friend would, but ultimately, it's your life event, not his.

I would stop covering for him. This isn't someone you can rely on, your friends need to know just how on your own you are. He might be there, but you can't be certain he will be. And if he can't be for the birth, there will be a million other times over the next 18+ years when you and your DD might need him and if he can be there for you, then he will be, but you will never be ever able to rely on him to be there.

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