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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner has left country for 10 days in week 38-39 of my pregnancy

114 replies

Gen3228 · 08/12/2015 15:45

I feel like there is no way past this for us as couple. Haven't even publicised this to friends and family as am too tired/cowardly to face them all saying What???!!! Have just made another plan to get to and from hospital and have someone with me while kind of minimising why this might be needed.
He was being supportive and there for me but in last few weeks seems to have retreated a bit. But I've got used to turning to him and relying on him for help in this pregnancy and he's suddenly not there.
He has been ringing me every day but the last 2 days we have just argued- he thinks there is no way round him needing to go away for work, I think he has made a choice to put me and the baby after his work in his priorities and left me hanging when I really need him around.
He also has not got round to getting a car seat to take us home from hospital yet. My due date is mon 14th and he comes back on sat 12th eve. He is working on Sun 13th.
It's like he doesn't get that I need his help- or he has checked out of being involved with me and the baby in some way.
Wanted to check with other mums to be that they would feel like me if this happens? Or if I should delay my reaction to this a bit until after baby comes?
I feel I need to get my head round being a single parent at the moment.
I spent the first 1/2 of this week having false contractions and stressing and really hoping the baby will wait until he comes back, now these have stopped and I actually don't mind whether he is there or not as I have decided not to rely on him any longer.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gen3228 · 08/12/2015 16:38

Lorelei9- 5000 miles
He's out of the picture for the birth basically unless the baby arrives once he's back in uk

OP posts:
VestalVirgin · 08/12/2015 16:39

The fact that he is self-employed and his ability to provide for the new baby is not at stake does make him look bad, yes.

Those that had fixed views on how a partner "should" behave and judged me didn't neccesarily stay married/ together for very long.

Well, one would assume they'd end their relationships if their partner behaved in an unacceptable way. I don't get why you see this as contradicting?

Jw35 · 08/12/2015 16:42

He's an arsehole, sorry Angry

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/12/2015 16:44

That sucks.
Having said that, if this trip is the "make or break" of his new company, then I can see why he felt pressured to go, but it still sucks.
I got the arse completely when DH went out and got pissed with his cousin one night when I was ~39w pg - he thought it was ok because he had his uncle lined up to take me to the hospital if necessary, he just hadn't thought about what would happen AT the hospital. He didn't do it again.

My father, otoh, left the country back in the early 1970s to go into the dark zone of communist countries - it had taken over a year to set up, with all the visas and permissions, it was travelling by train so needed visas for all the countries being travelled through as well, and he was in charge of students. My mum was pg, after having had a previous stillbirth - and he was away for the birth. She did telegraph him to let him know she'd gone into labour, but it would have taken him 3 days to get home anyway, what with running around between the different embassies to get his travel permits changed etc., and he was due back 5 days afterwards so didn't think it was worth it as he still wouldn't have got home in time. Don't think she ever forgave him, tbh. :(

teatowel · 08/12/2015 16:44

If you are thinking about ending the relationship because your partner has made a rather thoughtless decision I think you may have other problems. I really do think some first time dads don't realise how important their support is. It may not be fair or right but it is not uncommon. He is working to support you and your baby not off on holiday for two weeks. I hope your baby waits for his return home before it decides to arrive.

BeeePeee · 08/12/2015 16:50

I am so sorry OP. To me it sounds like he did have a choice. My DH was previously self-employed and I understand how hard it is to have balance of home and work life when you are self-employed. But there are some clear times when home has to come first, there is no debate, and this is one of them. It's hard to say if you should LTB based on this information as we don't know if he is usually supportive and loving. But I would be considering my future with him too if he was my partner.

Original poster
Gen3228 · 08/12/2015 16:50

Thanks all....I'm realising that not telling people is not the smartest move and I don't have to go all dramatic about it. Going to some friends tonight and will let them know just so they know I am feeling a bit more lonesome at the moment :-)

OP posts:
Lweji · 08/12/2015 16:50

He's out of the picture for the birth basically

You know the due date is a sort of mean/50 centile date?
About half of all full term babies are born after the due date. So you have about a 50-50 chance that he will be back before it happens. In fact, given that you have lasted so far, the probability of lasting longer is even greater.

Try to relax and don't do anything that reportedly brings the birth earlier.

lorelei9 · 08/12/2015 16:51

5000 miles is a long way - if you were going to tell us he'd gone to France or something I might think differently.

also to be clear - this trip was fairly last minute? Is it likely that the timing is so critical, that not going will increase much-needed income by a lot - I mean if you were broke and there was £3k at stake that would be a lot different than if things were fine.

Agree with pp who say you must tell family and friends - you need back up on alert to take you to hospital. They will probably be horrified that he's gone but that's good really.

lorelei9 · 08/12/2015 16:52

to be clear, France wouldn't make me say "it's okay" but 5000 miles is worse!!

Lweji · 08/12/2015 16:53

I also wonder if he thought the due date was an actual due date, so that he booked the trip to be here before the birth.

ElfOnTheBoozeShelf · 08/12/2015 17:15

Between the fact you haven't wanted to tell people (have you been worried about him looking bad to them? Bit of a red flag if so.) and saying that you are preparing to be a single parent, AND the fact he hasn't just gone down the road, he's gone 5000 miles away - yes, think you need to reconsider this relationship, or at least what benefit you are getting from it.

HeadDreamer · 08/12/2015 17:19

I would be pissed off. But a lot depends on what your support network is like. Some posters mentioned their parents are there to help out. But it seems you don't? In your case, I won't be happy at all. But if you mum is staying with you, then it's a different case completely.

HeadDreamer · 08/12/2015 17:21

Definitely go to some friends and tell them. I'm glad you have decided that. You will need help. Hopefully from someone nearby. First labour can be very long. And you might need to be labouring at home for a while. Hopefully your support person doesn't have small children that needs looking after. (Or they might need to go back home for them).

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 08/12/2015 17:31

Even if he's self employed, that doesn't mean he can necessarily put off the trip. It could be that there is someone who could really send his business soaring that's in the area for a limited time, or the cousin can only facilitate a meeting with them now. It could be that there's another business or person that's seeking the service DP could provide that has a deadline for a contract. Perhaps he's doing it because he's looking at the long future for your little family. Or it could be that he's just flaking. I really don't know enough to make that judgment.

But you should tell your friends and family. You have nothing to be ashamed of nor do you owe anyone an explanation. And since it appears he may not be around you need to organize support for the birth and afterwards.

Salene · 08/12/2015 17:45

If he has to work he has to work

My husband works offshore and if any special event falls in his trip away tough luck, there is no getting home

Baby included. I was prepared last time to give birth alone, as it happened he got home for the birth but had to return to work for a month when baby was 3 days old

It was a not nice but he has to do what he has to do.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 08/12/2015 17:50

Maybe being self employed makes it harder for him? He feels he has to make the business to succeed because now he will have a child he needs to provide for. Maybe he's worried about this? He is quite probably thinking that the baby will be late??? DH read this somewhere, or a muppet mate told him. He tried to convince me to OK a skiing trip for him when I was 39 weeks.

BillBrysonsBeard · 08/12/2015 18:25

My partner was gonna go to the UK (we were living abroad at the time) to escort his dad there for an operation he needed and stay for a week, I was 37 weeks pregnant. I'm not usually pushy but I had to say something about that! I was in a foreign country and it was my first baby, would have hated not having him with me. His mum was there and we get on but it wasn't the same.. couldn't believe they asked him to go. In the end his mum escorted him for the op and DP stayed with me... I didn't have baby for another 3 weeks Grin but I didn't know that. I wouldn't be happy if my partner didn't see how important it was to be there.

Some people might say it's being precious and needy because plenty of women do it alone, either as a single mum or have partners who always work away.. I'm usually quite a hardy person but really didn't want to be alone when I'm feeling so nervous, it's a huge thing happening to you.

Feelingworriednow · 08/12/2015 18:32

Now you have my sympathy. My ExH went to New Zealand for 3 weeks getting back exactly 7 days before my due date. I was working full time up until 10 days before due date. It was with work but they would have let him get out of it. The thing that REALLY hurt was a year later I discovered he had actually spent an extra day in Hong Kong on the way back. I now realise that he was in utter denial about the whole baby thing and simply wasn't ready to be a father. "You wanted her, it's your job now" we're his delightful words on my first night home before going to work the next day. Bastard!
Make sure you tell someone, my neighbour was wonderful and ready to step into the breach. I'm sure he will come round but I'll be honest if any man does that to my DD I will become the MIL from hell!

FannyTheChampionOfTheWorld · 08/12/2015 19:01

OP hasn't even said whether she wants to breastfeed or not venus, let alone whether she'd be prepared to pump! And there's no reason to assume she'd need the services of a lactation consultant if she does bf. It might all go swimmingly from the start. I don't think you can assume a heavily pregnant woman will be interested in booking 'a lady garden tidy up either'. I'm all for a positive approach, but minimising what her DH has done and advising a focus on things she may not even want isn't the way forward. OP obviously you do need to make practical plans like lining up another birth partner etc, but equally I feel you also need to give yourself room to be hurt and unhappy about this. It's ok to feel that way.

LonelySatsuma · 08/12/2015 19:05

I'd be really worried and upset if I were you, too, OP.

Its just a really thoughtless thing to do. It shows a basic lack of care and respect, and I'd be worried about what it means for when the baby arrives.

My second baby was born totally unexpectedly at 37 weeks, by the way...

Pyjamaramadrama · 08/12/2015 19:15

Venusrising what the actual fuck are you talking about? Why on earth would op be concerned with having her toenails painted and her fanny hairs waxed?

Why would she need a physiotherapist and lactation consultant and who says she can afford those things?

Why should men turn into cavemen? This is 2015, there is enough information around to know that there's a few basic dos and don't when your partner is heavily pregnant, leaving the country is one of the do nots.

Op you don't have to minimise your feelings. It doesn't matter what other people think, you wanted your childs father to stay in the country around the time you might give birth, that is perfectly reasonable.

For now though I would try very hard to just concentrate on you and bump and get as much practical and emotional support as you can.

He has got a lot of work to do if he is to mend this when he gets back.

BooyakaTurkeyisMassive · 08/12/2015 19:27

Book a pedicure and a lady garden tidy up.. book a physiotherapist, book a lactation consultant, get a cleaner to come over and give the house a deep clean, register with online grocery deliveries, and find out where your nct classes are. Think about hiring a tens machine from boots, and a hospital grade pump to establish breastfeeding.

If someone wanted to spoof stereotypical out of touch middle class mumsnetters deluded views of a typical preparation for birth this is pretty much what I imagine they'd write.

lorelei9 · 08/12/2015 19:31

oh wow, I've just seen the thing about the lady garden tidy up - of all the thngs that would be at the front of your mind....! Shock

AwfulBeryl · 08/12/2015 19:39

I would be really upset too op. I am not exactly dependent on my dp, he went away with work 10 days after we got our dts home from hospital.
I was fine with it as it had to be done, I would have been gutted if he went away as I approached term, I would want him there and I would want him to want to be there too.

I agree that you should tell people, if he is not back in time who if anyone would you want with you.

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