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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner has left country for 10 days in week 38-39 of my pregnancy

114 replies

Gen3228 · 08/12/2015 15:45

I feel like there is no way past this for us as couple. Haven't even publicised this to friends and family as am too tired/cowardly to face them all saying What???!!! Have just made another plan to get to and from hospital and have someone with me while kind of minimising why this might be needed.
He was being supportive and there for me but in last few weeks seems to have retreated a bit. But I've got used to turning to him and relying on him for help in this pregnancy and he's suddenly not there.
He has been ringing me every day but the last 2 days we have just argued- he thinks there is no way round him needing to go away for work, I think he has made a choice to put me and the baby after his work in his priorities and left me hanging when I really need him around.
He also has not got round to getting a car seat to take us home from hospital yet. My due date is mon 14th and he comes back on sat 12th eve. He is working on Sun 13th.
It's like he doesn't get that I need his help- or he has checked out of being involved with me and the baby in some way.
Wanted to check with other mums to be that they would feel like me if this happens? Or if I should delay my reaction to this a bit until after baby comes?
I feel I need to get my head round being a single parent at the moment.
I spent the first 1/2 of this week having false contractions and stressing and really hoping the baby will wait until he comes back, now these have stopped and I actually don't mind whether he is there or not as I have decided not to rely on him any longer.

OP posts:
Laquitar · 08/12/2015 19:44

BlueJug
the goal is not to stay in a relationship at any cost. Perhaps your friends are happier out of it.

Jen
YANBU to feel the way you do as this is a time when you feel vaulernable.
However your approach to stay positive and deal with this after the birth is good especially as you have the help of your mother.

I am not trying to excuse him but yousaid about another country and his cousin. Could there be a culture factor too? n many countries men go abroad to work after marriage and the pregnant wife is taken care by the female relatives.

Take care and best luck with the birth x

PitPatKitKat · 08/12/2015 19:55

book...a lady garden tidy up there's a wax bar near to DH's work place that markets itself on that. What's the world coming too. Wonder if they have special fanjo steamers too.

ChatEnOeuf · 08/12/2015 19:57

My DH was likely to be away with work for my last labour. Only Europe, and usually only about 6-8 hours away (though given my first labour was only 6 hrs that was no reassurance!!). I didn't mind. Yes, it was stressful - we were living overseas as well - but I had friends, family and contingency plans.

As it happened, DS was born a few weeks early and DH was around but I know I could have laboured alone if needed.

febreeze · 08/12/2015 20:01

Being self employed doesn't mean that you can just choose not to work. In many ways it is more restrictive than having colleagues as it is all down to you. Maybe he is worried about having enough money for the baby. Every hour that you don't work you don't earn.

Laquitar · 08/12/2015 20:03

I would also keep an eye on bank accounts because in my expierience bussinesses in homeland with cousins when your dh lives in uk dont end up well. Why does his cousin puts pressure on him?
I don't need to add extra stress as you don't need it right now but keep an eye on the money.

stairbears · 08/12/2015 20:05

There's a 60% chance he'll be back in time - those odds are unacceptable though and I'd be thinking hard about his commitment and my next steps.

Chances are if your adrenaline / stress levels are high, birth won't begin anyway.

Plan for a wonderful birth with a trusted friend or see if a trainee doula is available to offer proper support.

Candleabras · 08/12/2015 20:09

Well I'm going to give you another perspective.

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. There are basic things that mostly don't shift. Like a man's life basically carries on after baby comes. Work, after work drinkies. A woman's life changes forever, permanently, overnight, but long before we give birth we prepare mentally and physically. Nest building, deep cleaning, buying stuff, preparing. A first baby is the hardest. The stress of a new baby will test the strongest of relationships. And I don't think lots of men have a clue of what's in store, and lots do the wrong thing. Not because they mean to, but because they don't really know what the right thing is.

Plus a man is naturally the hunter gatherer, as someone upthread said. It's physics.

So I would say yes bollock him, but don't write him off just yet. He is a man and he is from Mars.

BlueJug · 08/12/2015 20:11

Laquitar
"BlueJug the goal is not to stay in a relationship at any cost. Perhaps your friends are happier out of it."

You are right - that was not what I was saying. Of course everyone is responsible for their own happiness. What I was trying to say was that there are many people who would criticise the OP's partner and judge him by their standards. The point is whether she can accept it. If she is generally happy then other peoples' ideas of "how it should be" are irrelevant.

I have had many people judge my relationship. People were very "oh then he won't be a good father if he ....etc etc" - but he was and is. And he was on the other side of the world when I went into labour.

RubberDicky · 08/12/2015 20:17

Having delivered several babies and given birth myself, no one will give a flying fuck what your 'lady garden' looks like whilst you're giving birth, least of all you. Same goes for the cleaner, in fact you might not want a stranger wondering in when getting dressed takes all the energy you have and lots of time you don't have. You also don't need a breast pump if you don't want one. And you'll get a leaflet about some postnatal physio and if you need more help the midwives or your GP can refer you. I do agree with the advice about putting your feet up and not keeping this a secret - give your friends and family the chance to give you some extra support.

As for your partner. It's not the most sensible idea to go away so close to your due date. I'd be really upset about it. How committed does he seem to you and he baby in general?

Make sure you have alternative transport plans for when you go into labour and for returning from the hospital.

I guess also I can do is try to talk this through calmly and work out where the relationship goes from here

Pyjamaramadrama · 08/12/2015 20:19

Candle I disagree.

My dh read up on pregnancy and childbirth a lot. He made sure he didn't drink in the run up to the birth. He stayed as close by as possible. He was terrified of missing the birth and not being there for me. He didn't go out for ages after ds was born and now when he does he always checks I'm ok to have the kids.

He also spent a lot of time with me cleaning the house and shopping for baby things.

We don't have to accept bad behaviour from men just because they're men.

DinosaursRoar · 08/12/2015 20:52

Yes, for some men, having a child doesnt change their lives. These are men who are crap dads and useless partners. OP, if you have one of these, i'm very sorry. Prepare for being a single parent, even if he still lives in the same house as you, you'll be parenting alone.

TracyBarlow · 08/12/2015 20:53

Crikey I would be absolutely fuming if my husband had done this. In fact, I think that would be the end for me.

I'm not buying the 'maybe he doesn't understand' line. He's got access to google. Why is it solely the woman's job to prepare for the birth and early days of having a baby? Surely he should know that he could miss the birth of his own child? And I don't care how important the work trip is. More important than being at the birth of your first child and being here to support your wife after she's gone through what could be a highly traumatic event? Nothing's more important than that, surely.

Candleabras · 08/12/2015 20:59

Well sometimes it's not bad behaviour, just not very thoughtful. It doesn't mean the op's dp is so bad, just not how she wants him. Sometimes you have to just let the odd thing go. Compromise or be a single parent.

PrimalLass · 08/12/2015 20:59

The fact that he is self-employed and his ability to provide for the new baby is not at stake does make him look bad, yes.

How does that work then? If you are self-employed you often have the choice of take the opportunity or earn no money.

Hovis2001 · 08/12/2015 21:00

*Plus a man is naturally the hunter gatherer, as someone upthread said. It's physics.

So I would say yes bollock him, but don't write him off just yet. He is a man and he is from Mars. *

It's physics, really? Grin

More seriously, OP, the only thing I can do is speak from my own personal perspective, which is that (having not yet had DC) I would be incredibly upset with DH if he decided to do something like this when I was about to give birth. I would also be utterly gobsmacked if he did. We've talked about pregnancy and childbirth (in a sort of a hypothetical "when it's us..." sense) and as far as I know he needs no help realising that a partner needs emotional and physical support at such times.

If not having your partner there is something you can be ok with, or if it's something that's ok within the context of your specific relationship, then that's fine, but it sounds a lot like it isn't. But, please, don't give him a free pass because "he's a man"!

FannyTheChampionOfTheWorld · 08/12/2015 21:07

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. There are basic things that mostly don't shift. Like a man's life basically carries on after baby comes. Work, after work drinkies.

And yet so many of us have husbands and partners who manage to overcome the challenge of, erm, physics, and not act like a totally inconsiderate twat. It's not some innate thing. Having a penis doesn't prevent you from prioritising your wife and baby and coming straight home after work instead of going to the pub.

Pyjamaramadrama · 08/12/2015 21:10

Not very thoughtful is leaving your socks on the floor and leaving toothpaste in the sink.

Leaving the country when your wife is about to give birth is being a complete fuckwit.

Not only because the birth of your baby is a massive thing but because the mum could potentially end up very ill physically and emotionally and need the dad there.

Pyjamaramadrama · 08/12/2015 21:13

I've clearly gone back to the 1950s.

Candleabras · 08/12/2015 21:16

So your partners' would just get the one chance? One mistake and they're shown the door?

I think, partiçularly with a first birth, if the father is out of his twenties, it can be a very hard transition from young free and single, to, well, not.

53rdAndBird · 08/12/2015 21:20

I think, partiçularly with a first birth, if the father is out of his twenties, it can be a very hard transition from young free and single, to, well, not.

Harder than for women? Who have to deal with pregnancy and birth as well? Confused

Namechangenell · 08/12/2015 21:21

Agree with TracyB - it would be the end for me too. Selfish idiot.

Pyjamaramadrama · 08/12/2015 21:22

No but I would be devastated about something like that.

I wouldn't dismiss it as he's a bloke. I'd be having serious discussions about priorities.

Ultimately though if someone was persistently making me miserable I wouldn't be afraid to be a single parent.

FannyTheChampionOfTheWorld · 08/12/2015 21:23

Depends what you mean by 'the one chance'. If you're talking about mistakes like going to the pub after work when I'm at home with a newborn, I'd be pissed off but no, one incident wouldn't be a deal breaker. Voluntarily working outside the country when our child was due, I don't think I could get past that behaviour. Even if we did stay together I would be so very, very hurt.

Pyjamaramadrama · 08/12/2015 21:25

All this men find this hard, men aren't good at that knocks me sick.

Men are perfectly capable of taking responsibility.

Candleabras · 08/12/2015 21:30

If I were the op I wouldn't want to hear my dp called a fuckwit. He's still the father of her baby, and I hope that once the baby arrives he will rise to the challenge of parenthood.

There are too many children without birth parents.