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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner has left country for 10 days in week 38-39 of my pregnancy

114 replies

Gen3228 · 08/12/2015 15:45

I feel like there is no way past this for us as couple. Haven't even publicised this to friends and family as am too tired/cowardly to face them all saying What???!!! Have just made another plan to get to and from hospital and have someone with me while kind of minimising why this might be needed.
He was being supportive and there for me but in last few weeks seems to have retreated a bit. But I've got used to turning to him and relying on him for help in this pregnancy and he's suddenly not there.
He has been ringing me every day but the last 2 days we have just argued- he thinks there is no way round him needing to go away for work, I think he has made a choice to put me and the baby after his work in his priorities and left me hanging when I really need him around.
He also has not got round to getting a car seat to take us home from hospital yet. My due date is mon 14th and he comes back on sat 12th eve. He is working on Sun 13th.
It's like he doesn't get that I need his help- or he has checked out of being involved with me and the baby in some way.
Wanted to check with other mums to be that they would feel like me if this happens? Or if I should delay my reaction to this a bit until after baby comes?
I feel I need to get my head round being a single parent at the moment.
I spent the first 1/2 of this week having false contractions and stressing and really hoping the baby will wait until he comes back, now these have stopped and I actually don't mind whether he is there or not as I have decided not to rely on him any longer.

OP posts:
Lweji · 08/12/2015 21:34

Well, the father of my son is a fuckwit and we are better without him.

Don't know if it's the case with the OP or not, but certainly it's not the case that babies' fathers, just for having successful sperm, acquire immunity from being called what they are or from being dumped.

53rdAndBird · 08/12/2015 21:36

I would very much hope he'll rise to the challenge of parenthood and all will be well. But minimising how inconsiderate he's being about this thing right now - how is that going to get him there?

It would be one thing if he was just clueless (like, I don't know, thinking babies came on their due date on the dot and not realising OP might need his support before labour anyway), but OP has told him she needs him, and he still isn't coming through for her. That's unsupportive and inconsiderate, and he doesn't need to be coddled with lines about how he can't help it because he's just a man - he needs to get his bloody act together.

Polyethyl · 08/12/2015 21:37

Gosh people's opinions vary. My DH had a reserve forces training weekend in the calendar for my due date. I cheerfully waved him off.
If the baby had come on time my parents were there for me and I had the regiment's adjutant's number if my husband had needed to be pulled out of the exercise.

Wasn't a problem, my baby came 3 days late.
Your partner going away before you are due is only a problem because you think it is. Are there other problems in your relationship?

Pyjamaramadrama · 08/12/2015 21:39

No but it's also not helpful to make her feel that her feelings aren't valid and that she should excuse things because he's a man.

Pyjamaramadrama · 08/12/2015 21:40

The point is though, the op didn't happily wave him off. She wanted him there, and she's perfectly entitled to have him there.

AwfulBeryl · 08/12/2015 21:41

But if you were happy with that arrangement then it wouldn't have mattered would it. The op isn't. So this isn't OK.

Out2pasture · 08/12/2015 21:44

DH was not present for C/S 2 or 3. Nor the hospital admission or the journey home. Times were tough, money to pay bills, keep a roof over our heads a priority.
As an adult woman I more than capable to take the upcoming situation in hand.
We've been married for 35years his presence (or not) are not issues for us.
Long term financial health is huge in my books.
My thoughts, rally friends and family and ditch the pity party.

Lweji · 08/12/2015 21:46

My point of view is also of someone who has had to travel for work and did choose to travel during her maternity leave, leaving ds with his dad.
I wouldn't dump an otherwise supportive person, although he could have behaved a lot better on this, including taking responsibility for finding support while he's away.
And if he continues to be supportive, then all would be fine. But this wouldn't be forgotten and would be added to any other similar behaviour to reach a decision to leave, if that was the case.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/12/2015 21:53

Perhaps airlines should stop expectant fathers from flying close to their due date like they do to mothers. Yes, I'm being facetious. But there is a point about men being able to forget they are having a baby and women simply not being able to. Women have just as many things they have to do. But mostly avoid week 39 to do them in.

Fizrim · 08/12/2015 21:54

OP, do you and your partner live together? Has he not gone away yet?

Candleabras · 08/12/2015 22:06

outpasture I think you and me may be a similar age as we have similar opinions that mean that we just got on with it. There be the problem here Confused

MidniteScribbler · 08/12/2015 22:07

Just wondering if he is having a bit of a panic about the actual birth? A friend and her husband went through a similar thing, he said he absolutely needed to go away for work just before her due date. Naturally it was causing issues in their marriage. After a few wines one night, it came out that he only said that because he was genuinely absolutely terrified of the birth, was scared to see his wife in pain and not be able to do anything about it, and didn't know what to do if things went wrong. After a bit of an intervention, his wife arranged a trainee midwife to also be present to help her out, they attended a couple of extra classes, and they had a good talk-it-out session.

Candleabras · 08/12/2015 22:07

ditch the pity party

Grin
AnnieNoMouse · 08/12/2015 22:08

Book a physiotherapist, book a lactation consultant, get a cleaner to come over and give the house a deep clean, register with online grocery deliveries, and find out where your nct classes are. Think about hiring a tens machine from boots, and a hospital grade pump to establish breastfeeding.
And book yourself a spa day while you're at it - it's the solution to all MN ills Wink

AwfulBeryl · 08/12/2015 22:09

Bloody hell, I am not surprised some of your husbands worked away so often.

lorelei9 · 08/12/2015 22:12

genuinely amazed by some of the posts here, hope it doesn't put the OP off

one pp mentions "long term financial health" - something I am obsessed with but I think that one work trip is very unlikely to impact on that. As I mentioned earlier, if their finances are precarious and it's a critical amount of money - and if he'd discussed it with her properly, it would be one thing, but it doesn't sound like it was really key to long term financial health, nor does it sound like a mutually agreed thing OP was all right with.

the crap about men and physics doesn't really need to be dignified with a response.

FannyTheChampionOfTheWorld · 08/12/2015 22:13

If I were OP I'd be delighted to hear my DH called a fuckwit in these circumstances. Different strokes etc. So let's not be policing each other to spare her feelings when we've nothing but guesswork to go on.

Pyjamaramadrama · 08/12/2015 22:21

Actually I think it's some of these men who need to ditch the pity party.

Confused at the man being so afraid of the birth he was going to work away.

goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal · 08/12/2015 22:22

I think everyone is entitled to have different views on something like this, but the most important thing is THE VIEW OF THE WOMAN ACTUALLY IN THE SITUATION.

They are the ones who their partner's have to answer to/support, and to be perfectly frank, they are the ones actually doing all the fucking work when it comes to having the baby. I mean, the bar is pretty fucking low. The partners involved pretty much just have to be there, be sober, and not act like complete twats.

Do people honestly find that such a big ask?

If someone is happy for their partner to fuck off to Africa for three weeks, two days before their due date, then that's awesome.

If someone wants their partner to stay within an hour or so of where they live, starting from when they hit full term, then that's absolutely reasonable. They aren't being "precious".

To the OP - Personally I don't know if I would be able to get passed something like this (especially since we live overseas so I have literally no-one here), but you really needed to have made that clear before he made the decision to go.

Pyjamaramadrama · 08/12/2015 22:23

Exactly goodnessgracious, you put it just perfectly.

febreeze · 08/12/2015 22:30

but I think that one work trip is very unlikely to impact on that

He is self employed. If you don't do a job for a client when they ask then you risk losing the work. That could be tens of thousands lost over the life of a contract. If you don't work then you don't get paid. If you say no then you risk that they find someone else! No sick pay, no holiday pay etc

lorelei9 · 08/12/2015 22:41

febreeze, I do know all that - I have worked for myself on that basis too. But life happens, even when you're self employed.

Candleabras · 08/12/2015 22:54

Lorelei9, if it doesn't need to be dignified with a response why mention it?

goodness to have to answer to their partners? I assume that was a typo Shock

Laquitar · 08/12/2015 22:56

I don't think he is going to work for a client though.
I understand it that he is going there to invest money in a business. One that his cousin will manage since he lives there and OP's dh lives here.
So it is nogt the case of being broke and he has to go to bring the bacon.

teatowel · 08/12/2015 22:58

So some people would end a relationship because they felt their partner had failed to understand their need for support at the time of their child' s birth- and in ending that relationship they are therefore prepared to go through all their child's growing up years without a chance of his support? My husband was one who didn't get it , he was certain our baby would wait until after he had taken his scouts on a week camp. If I had said then, if you are not here for me now you obviously won't be in the future I would have been utterly and completely wrong. He has been totally involved with our children.