Not to accept that my DD is 'really a boy'?

[Scootering]

This is actually about my DSD, who is nearly 18.

Over the last few months she has told us she is 'trans' and wants us to call her 'David' (not this name exactly...).

Her father and I (and her mother) think this is crazy. She has always been perfectly happy as a girl, long hair and dresses, not remotely tomboyish. This has all happened since she has met a group of very 'out' gay men and I think she really wants to be like them. Her idea of 'being a boy' is to be (frankly) a raving queen (very camp) with flowery shirts and pink hair.

We have NOT started to refer to her as 'our son' or called her 'him' or 'David'. She says we are ruining her life and will never accept her.

We have said we will not do these things until she has been through proper counselling to discuss this. We paid for her to start this but she gave it up after the first session because she 'knows who she is' and 'doesn't need to discuss it'.

So we are now at a impasse. She says we are ruining her life. We are really not remotely convinced we should be acting like she's a boy.

Are we being unreasonable? Are we torturing her? I'd really be grateful for advice because we are finding it all really embarassing and difficult (particularly with elderly parents).

Avoiding pronouns is fairly easy - their/they're/they work as well instead of him/her/he/she

I'd go along with her wishes and call her David etc. I wouldn't try and "explain" to people. Just say "DD would like to be called David because she feels more like David than [her name]"

If she does want to go.down the surgical route she will have to have counselling etc.

In a way you supporting her in this, is also the best way to snap her out if it if it is just a phase. Offer to come with her to the GP etc so she can start the process of counselling, find out about hormones etc.

And apologse to her for your initial reaction. You don't want to lose her completely over this.

''that they should not ever think that there is anything they cannot do.''

Apart from explore the emotions, upheavals and opinions of being potentially trans?

It does not make a difference whether (s)he is is coming over as male right now. It only matters that you support her. I understand that you are confused but you are coming across as much more 'this is going to affect everyone else' rather than ' how can I begin to understand where my child is coming from?

Also, talk to your DSD about how she wants to broach it with the grandparents. In fact, no reason why she shouldn't be the one to tell them.

I think you should respect their choice about who they feel they are right now, even if you feel they may change their mind later on.

I have a huge concern about the number of people undergoing gender reassignment surgery at the moment, as I personally feel it should be treated as a mental health condition where people need treatment to come to terms with who they are and what they've got, rather than treating them on the operating table.

Everybody should be able to be themselves, identify however they wish and they deserve to be accepted and respected for who they are by the rest of society, especially their family.

If you show that you love and respect and accept them however they need you to, hopefully they can be happy with who they are without resorting to slicing and dicing.

I don't have any advice for you, just that I feel for you.

That sounds difficult. Personally I wouldn't go along with calling her David for the time being until I was sure it wasn't a phase. But I can see the argument for going along with it all.

YANBU, I would personally treat this as a mental health issue have a look at www.transgendertrend.com

I think you need to respect his wishes, no matter how odd you find it. Let the children follow their own way with it. They might not find it all as confusing as adults as our minds are more set when it comes to cultural 'norms' whereas children can be more accepting.

Look at this blog here: 4thwavenow.com/
It is written by a mother whose daughter considered herself trans for a while. Latest post was that the phase is over now. You'll be able to connect to people in a similar situation there.

Living in patriarchy is hard for a woman. And women still cannot do everything men can do - you have no influence on what future employers are going to pay her, if they are going to promote her, etc.

Be understanding. And maybe negotiate that you will call her "him" and "David" if she in turn refrains from any attempts to get hormones and surgery until she is at least 25, which is when the brain is fully developed.

she wants to go down the surgical route.....well she will definately need counselling.....surgery will be refused without it....persevere with the counselling idea....your family may need it as well

I was going to say basically the same as ItsAllGoingToBeFine.

It's reasonable to call someone what they want to be called, so you can do that. Change to saying David/him and if anyone asks, say it is what DSD has asked for. S/he can explain it to them if it's important to do so.

It's difficult because while I do think transgender feelings are real and should be respected, I also think it's true that people can get caught up in a phase like this where it isn't actually real - it may stem from a need to belong, have an identity etc. I've known people who came out as gay in that way, then later said they weren't gay, but it was about having an identity and friends, or fitting a certain image or rebelling against parents etc.

Obviously sexuality is a bit different, and it isn't as big a deal either because it doesn't involve operations and so on. But this is why when people do transition, it's done slowly and gradually with lots of stages and counselling. DSD would have to be really committed to the process for a long time. Either that will happen or it won't. But not accepting it now, may make it all seem more attractive and rebellious.

I'd just accept it and stay matter-of-fact and always have the attitude that if she changes her mind back again next week, you wouldn't make a big fuss of that either.

So you don't believe that gender is a 'thing' but you can't take DSS's wish to be male seriously because "she doesn't have a boys haircut"? You're contradicting yourself. Teenagers can smell hypocrisy in their parents a mile off so I would avoid any more rehetoric about 'gender theory'. Your views on gender are irrelevent and don't change how your DSS feels. It sounds as though your objection is more about wanting to avoid embarrassment or awkward conversations with family who may not understand.

The bottom line is, your DSS will soon be 18 and legally an adult which means that he can live as he chooses. Refusing to use their preferred name and pronouns isn't going to magically stop someone from being transgender. It won't achieve anything except alientating them, which means you need to ask yourself is this something you're willing to risk losing them over? If this turns out to be something that passes and DSS chooses to go back to being DSD, it doesn't necessarily mean you were right and the whole thing was put on for effect. Some people are lucky enough to have a very clear sense of who they are. For others it is not that simple.

They might not find it all as confusing as adults as our minds are more set when it comes to cultural 'norms' whereas children can be more accepting.

Gender IS a cultural norm. The whole trans nonsense is fueled by the notion that societal gender roles are more important than actual biology.

You don't do children a favour by brainwashing them into that whole "girls like pink and boys like blue, and if a girl likes blue, she must be really a boy inside" nonsense.

In my opinion, you should support your child. Use the name that your child prefers. Explain to your other children and to your parents that this is the choice your child has made and that it is up to everyone in the family to support that choice. It may be a phase, it may not be. Who knows? But don't deny your child's feelings or claim that you know better who he is as a person. You really don't.

I also find it odd that you claim not to believe in gender and yet your posts are peppered with gender stereotypes: "happy as a girl, long hair and dresses, not remotely tomboyish," "raving queen (very camp)." Perhaps you have bought into the notion of strict gender determination more than you think you have?

Do you have a good relationship with your child? I see that she is actually your stepchild. Is there any tension surrounding the stepparent relationship? Are the other children biologically yours? If so, would you respond differently if one of your biological daughters had the same issues surrounding identity?

He probably ly over compensated for the masculine feelings by being very feminine outwardly. I'm not surprised he didn't come to you earlier with the reaction you have given him.

This is your child. Does gender matter to you so much that you would risk your relationship?

Please start using male pronouns and his prefered name. It's soul destroying to have who you are denied by people you love.

I'm a woman and planning to stay that way and I'd love to have a "male" name like George or Michael, as some women do. You can just use David in that way if it helps. You could think of her/him as someone who is going through a process of questioning their gender and would like you to use a name they have chosen. t doesn't have to mean you are going with the idea of them as male, now and forever IYSWIM.

I'm sorry you're finding this difficult to deal with - however you're a parent and you're going to have to find a way to be supportive and put your own feelings aside. I have a trans friend, and one side of their family initially reacted exactly like this. They couldn't accept it, used the whole 'but you were always happy as a girl' thing, you just have no idea what a trans person is keeping to themselves. There is still not a lot of support and acceptance out there for trans people, unlike the positive progression for the gay community. He will have to have counselling if he chooses to go through a full transition, but please don't think he doesn't know his own mind, it's very disrespectful. To a trans person, you refusing to cal them by their chosen pronouns and name is like them chosing to call you by the wrong name - how rude would you find that? He may not be trans, he may be gender fluid - however he's obviously not happy as 'her' and you should support that. Dont lose him over this, my friend is unlikely to ever be on good terms with half of his family again due to lack of support.

There is an online blog of parents who think gender is not a thing, and whose children identify as Trans. Sorry I don't have a link, but linking up with other parents in this situation might be helpful

I think you just have to go along with it and support her. Just say you love her regardless of whether she is male or female. Nothing you do will change her mind so it makes sense just to go along with it, at least then she will confide in you rather than push you away.

There is a thing amongst some teens to embrace the LGBT community which i think is great i had a tonne of gay friends when i was younger and was a gay rights activist/supporter although i wasnt a lesbian or bi sexual and had no feelings of wanting to be a man
im rambling now what im trying to say is your Dd has new friends and new experiences being trans to her doesnt mean being a blokey blokebut the flaming queen persona suits her for the moment it isnt indulgence to call her David its giving her the right to live as she feels is right for her the non gender fluidity is hard to get your head around I think.
you should say to the younger children she has decided to try out being David but i do think you need to explain to David that not everybody will understand and it will take a while to get used to

As they are nearly 18, an adult and you're a Step parent, you just stand back.

The Grandparents are adults, leave it up to David there too.

As for your children, that's where your focus should be.

Unfortunately now there's a whole load of crazy trans stuff on the web which is sounds like your DSD has got sucked into.

I agree with other posters though, I think you're going to have to concede pronouns and name so that David remains in your life.

Kids are really flexible - a friend of mine transitioned and we just explained that X wanted to be a girl and we were now calling her Y. The kids occasionally forget and say X out of habit, but otherwise they're cool with it. I know what you mean about mixed messages though - we are a very gender critical family and would get into real difficulty if asked what does feeling like a girl mean and why can't X just be a boy who likes wearing make up and skirts.