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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a phone call and backing from another parent?

354 replies

MJ686 · 06/12/2015 15:43

My first post here, advice needed please.

Put yourself in my shoes please ..

Single mum of 16yr old daughter. She has an 18yr old boyfriend, she met him in July. She had asked me previously if she could have a sleep over at his house, the answer from me was NO. She ran away and stayed with her elder brother for a fortnight during an almighty row with me about putting her boyfriend before her studies. I've since found out that she's had sex with her boyfriend and that whilst staying at her brothers she has been allowed by the boyfriend's Mum and Dad to sleep over at their house and sleep in the boyfriend's bed with him.

Shocked, hurt and angry are only a few of the emotions I am feeling right now, but I think the worst is the betrayal I feel from the other parents. Isn't there an unspoken parental code where we are all supposed to back each other up and support each other? I know if my 18yr old son had brought a girl home and said, "Hey, it's ok if we sleep together here tonight, Mum, you're cool with that, right?" Well, firstly, I wouldn't ever allow that as I am not as liberal as I am being told I should be! And secondly, even if I was liberal, I would have said, "Whoa! Hold your horses Boy, does her Mum know she's here and does she have permision for that? Yes? Ok, let's just check shall we, what's your Mum's number, let me give her a call".

I asked my daughter if his Mum had even spoken to her about contraception or safe sex, of course the answer was NO, yet she willingly allowed them to sleep together, during a time that SHE KNEW my daughter was having a teenage strop and arguing with me, so she was hardly in a place where she wanted to talk to me about being safe, she was in a vunerable place and still his parents allowed this.

I'm so very angry about this and can't see how I can get over how I feel. The two kids are, of course, professing undying love for each other and telling me I should just "get over it as not everyone has the same morals as you" and "everyone's doing it now, it's normal for 16yr olds" "you come from a different era" and "wouldn't you rather we were doing it somewhere safe". God, I haven't even met his parents, but I hate them already.

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 06/12/2015 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 06/12/2015 19:59

Iona Dare I ask - how did your parents achieve the level of control you are promoting?

Booboostwo · 06/12/2015 20:01

Worries about control are very misplaced. It is not your place to control her body and what she does with it in sexual relationships. Getting her to see herself in this way only sets her up for going from one controlling relationship with her mum to a controlling relationship with a man. Her body is her own, her choices are her responsibility. You can advise but it is not your place to be angered, disappointed or upset by something as mundane as her having consenting sex with her boyfriend.

Supermanspants · 06/12/2015 20:03

*And she chose to leave.

That's what happens when people conflate parenthood with ownership over another person's legal right to their own body and private space.*

Hmm

So OP. . . in future make sure you do not make your DD angry or clash with her in any way. In a nutshell, this is all your fault. You told her she couldn't sleep with her BF in your house, she didn't like that so legged it. I sincerely hope you don't have any other house rules she objects to or she may well keep 'choosing to leave'

Supermanspants · 06/12/2015 20:04

bold fail

IonaNE · 06/12/2015 20:04

so a person isn't allowed bodily autonomy until they are financially independent?
"bodily autonomy" is having a haircut you want. This is moral code.

She isn't living with her mother
Of course she is. That's where she run away from, after a strop.

Iona Dare I ask - how did your parents achieve the level of control you are promoting?
Easy. :) I'm not British born.
(Let me just add that my two siblings and I have all done exceptionally well both in studies, work and otherwise :) ).

PrettyBrightFireflies · 06/12/2015 20:07

Iona What does your nationality have to do with anything?

Culturally, I'm sure there differences across the globe in how parents act to ensure compliance from their DC's - many of which are legally prohibited in others Hmm

DixieNormas · 06/12/2015 20:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SettlinginNicely · 06/12/2015 20:10

I think I see where ionaNE is coming from. It's not wildly unreasonable to say: if you want to have grown privledges like having sex, then you need to have grown up responsibilities too. If you are too immature/vulnerable to live on your own and support yourself, then you are too immature to make these sort of decisions for yourself.

IonaNE · 06/12/2015 20:11

What does your nationality have to do with anything?
I'm from a country where children don't have "strops" and run off - and where parents don't take sh|t from children. Culture has everything to do with this. However, I don't want to hijack the original thread - sorry OP. I still maintain that YANBU and if the parents of your daughter's bf had been decent, first of all they would have phoned you; they would have packed your daughter off to home; and they would have had a serious chat with their 18-year-old-son about this.

Original poster
MJ686 · 06/12/2015 20:15

Caprinihahahaha

Thank you for your kind comments so far including ...

*Bloody hell, the op is engaging with people on this thread, accepting criticism and trying to make sense of her feelings

Even if you still disagree with her could some of you stop being taunting wankers.*

I am trying to not take the 'taunting' to heart. Instead I am focusing on trying to get my head in the right place for a meeting with my daughter tomorrow.

kali110 your comment touched me, including ...
You were alone, but she isn't going to be is she?
She has you.

It made me remember how very alone I was and how I never wanted that for her. Regardless of some comments and the situation my daughter and I are in at the moment, we REALLY have always been very close and always talked. I need to let go of these feelings and remind her that she will always have me.

Thank you.

OP posts:
PrettyBrightFireflies · 06/12/2015 20:17

Iona - I think your experience is relevant to the OP, though - you haven't explained how the parents from your country "don't take shit".

If there is a proven method of avoiding teens having strops, I think it's very unfair of you to keep it to yourself and not share it with parents in this country, too!

Mehitabel6 · 06/12/2015 20:21

If she is going to sleep with her boyfriend then she will.
It crops up on MN all the time - mother speaks and DC jumps to it.
The reality is that mother speaks and DC does it in secret.
You have to keep open the lines of communication and treat her like an adult with proper discussion.

Mehitabel6 · 06/12/2015 20:22

'My house my rules' is hardly helpful if OP doesn't want her to leave.

Caprinihahahaha · 06/12/2015 20:25

You are welcome.
The thing is this could be a moment for you and your daughter to re-engage.
If you concentrate on her feeling confident and happy, not regretful and 'wrong', you could come through this.

Don't regret what has happened. It's done. Meet with her to figure out how to move forward.
Good luck.

Enjolrass · 06/12/2015 20:30

bodily autonomy" is having a haircut you want. This is moral code.

What?

It's the OPs moral code. Not the dd, whose body it is.

The Op doesn't want her having sec anywhere. If the op just said it not happening under her roof, that's up to her.

What exactly is immoral about having sex?

Supermanspants · 06/12/2015 20:43

'My house my rules' is hardly helpful if OP doesn't want her to leave

Brilliant. . . so the OP needs to ensure she is pandering to a 16 year old child to ensure she doesn't leave. Utter bollox.

Supermanspants · 06/12/2015 20:46

You have to keep open the lines of communication and treat her like an adult with proper discussion

She is not an adult. She is a 16 year old child having sex with an 18 year old adult

ShebaShimmyShake · 06/12/2015 21:15

Enjolrass, you ask what some people think is immoral about legal, consensual sex between free agents?

The definition of puritanism is the haunting, crippling fear that someone, somewhere, might be happy.

The fact that Iona sincerely thinks this is about morals rather than a person's right to have legal, consensual sex tells you all you need to know.

pineappleshortbread · 06/12/2015 21:15

Not read all the pages but yabu.

Firstly as others have said her body her rules at 16.

As for the love point they might be in love. I met my now husband when I was 16 and he was 19 we had sex 3 months later when I just turned 17.

He is the only person I have been with. We have been together 8years and have 2 kids.

So be nice you never know this boy could be around a lot longer than you think.

SettlinginNicely · 06/12/2015 21:31

Your feelings about the bodily autonomy argument have a lot to do with:

  1. How mature you feel the 16 year old in question is
  2. How stable and lasting you imagine the relationship to be
  3. Whether you view sex as a casual, recreational thing, or as something deeply significant

To each his own.

But I think it is a little surprising that so many parents would consider it a casual thing that they wouldn't even consider that another parent would consider it a major event, not to be taken lightly. Even if I was willing to let my child have friends sleep over etc. I might consider that the other parents might feel differently. Within living memory, attitudes have been very, very different.

Personally, I am an atheist. I don't care much about virginity, which I think is a bit of a fetish. On the other hand, we don't even let 16 year olds drive. I wouldn't let my 16 year old get a tatoo, or smoke pot, or do other drugs even if it is her body, not mine. If she wants to do those things, she can wait till she is a full blown adult.

If she wants to convince me that she is mature enough to have a sexual relationship, I would expect to be introduced to the young man. I would expect to know who he is, where he lives, what his family is like. Basically, I would expect a close, long term relationship where families are not kept at arms length.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 06/12/2015 21:32

superman you say that you agree with the op and you have given her assurance that she will "find a way through this" but your other contributions to this thread have been scathing of others suggestions. What is your advice as to HOW the OP can enforce her will onto a 16 year old who is having legal, consentual sex with her 18 year old BF?

If none of the suggestions made by others are acceptable to you, what do you suggest the OP does?

This magic method by which some parents seem capable of keeping their DC's compliant and aquiescent until the parents decide the DC can have opinions of their own seems to be known by a select few on this thread. Why is it is secret?

PrettyBrightFireflies · 06/12/2015 21:36

If she wants to convince me that she is mature enough to have a sexual relationship

But why does she need to convince you? I accept that parental approval is a strong motivator, but unless there is emotional abuse, surely a parent teaches their child automony, rather than expecting their D's to justify their decisions in order for their parents to give their blessing?

ShebaShimmyShake · 06/12/2015 21:38

She doesn't need to convince anyone that she is mature enough to have a sexual relationship. She's legally allowed to have one. There are plenty of people in their 40s who are fucked up and emotionally stupid and they've got the legal right to have consensual sex too.

Parents don't have the right to overrule someone's bodily autonomy just because they're living under your roof. Parenting is supposed to be about raising independent, self sufficient adults, not sycophantic mini-mes who let you make all their decisions and never get horny.

If you want your kids to feel able to trust you enough to talk to you about issues such as sex, consent and so on, treat their sexuality with respect, even if it is a lot newer than yours. Not as something they don't have a right to have at 16, something they're too immature and stupid to start learning to deal with, and certainly not as something immoral. How sickeningly repressive.

nooka · 06/12/2015 21:47

Those of you who would ring the other parents or expect the other parents to ring you is that usually how sleepovers happen in your houses with your teenagers?

I have a 15 year old. She spends time with other families fairly regularly. I don't expect to talk to the parents anymore, nor do I speak to the parents of her friends when they stay here. They organise things together, ask if it's OK with me, and I assume that the other teenager asks if it's OK with their parents/guardians.

I don't really know most of the parents of her friends, and I certainly don't know what moral codes they live under, and how similar or different they are to my moral codes. I've picked up a teenager who appeared to be running away from home and even then I didn't try and force her to give me her mum's number so I could ring her. I picked her up, gave her food and support and persuaded her to contact her family herself. My concern was for her well being, not her parents, and that's how I hope concerned adults treat my children too.

In the circumstances in the OP I would have done the contraception talk, but that's just because I am an embarrassing sort of parent and I think it's too important to leave these things to chance. I've drilled in the 'no glove no love' mantra with my two children, but I can't see any harm with a reminder.

I don't really understand why the OP isn't mad at her older son if she needs to be angry, it sounds as if he is the one that said it was OK for the dd to stay over at her boyfriend's house (or didn't impose any rules while she stays with him). I can see that it might feel easier to blame the other parents though.