To expect a phone call and backing from another parent?

[MJ686]

My first post here, advice needed please.

Put yourself in my shoes please ..

Single mum of 16yr old daughter. She has an 18yr old boyfriend, she met him in July. She had asked me previously if she could have a sleep over at his house, the answer from me was NO. She ran away and stayed with her elder brother for a fortnight during an almighty row with me about putting her boyfriend before her studies. I've since found out that she's had sex with her boyfriend and that whilst staying at her brothers she has been allowed by the boyfriend's Mum and Dad to sleep over at their house and sleep in the boyfriend's bed with him.

Shocked, hurt and angry are only a few of the emotions I am feeling right now, but I think the worst is the betrayal I feel from the other parents. Isn't there an unspoken parental code where we are all supposed to back each other up and support each other? I know if my 18yr old son had brought a girl home and said, "Hey, it's ok if we sleep together here tonight, Mum, you're cool with that, right?" Well, firstly, I wouldn't ever allow that as I am not as liberal as I am being told I should be! And secondly, even if I was liberal, I would have said, "Whoa! Hold your horses Boy, does her Mum know she's here and does she have permision for that? Yes? Ok, let's just check shall we, what's your Mum's number, let me give her a call".

I asked my daughter if his Mum had even spoken to her about contraception or safe sex, of course the answer was NO, yet she willingly allowed them to sleep together, during a time that SHE KNEW my daughter was having a teenage strop and arguing with me, so she was hardly in a place where she wanted to talk to me about being safe, she was in a vunerable place and still his parents allowed this.

I'm so very angry about this and can't see how I can get over how I feel. The two kids are, of course, professing undying love for each other and telling me I should just "get over it as not everyone has the same morals as you" and "everyone's doing it now, it's normal for 16yr olds" "you come from a different era" and "wouldn't you rather we were doing it somewhere safe". God, I haven't even met his parents, but I hate them already.

OP you will find a way though this. It is bloody hard and FWIW I agree with you.
Clearly there are a significant number on here in have no issue at all with their 16 year old DD having sex with their boyfriend assuming they have a 16 year old daughter.
I wonder how many have actually been in a similar position to you.

Raising kids and keeping them safe is SO hard and more so when they are teenagers, so if we can all just be given a little help and back-up along the way from other caring parents, wouldn't that make everyones lives that tiny bit easier?

OP, I don't even agree with my own DD's Dads parenting choices, and although I don't interfere, I certainly wouldn't help, support or back him up if I disagreed with him. It might well make his life easier, but I would be compromising my own beliefs and values to do so.

Parenting is a very personal thing; I do not feel solidarity towards other parents just because they are parents.

I wouldn't expect a parent to ring a 16 year olds parent though.
She's not a little child.
You may not have been ready, but she isn't you.
Just because she's had sex doesn't mean she's not going to have a life, or that she will have a load of sexual partners if you're worried about that.
I had sex just before i was 17. I was ready. We were together nearly 2 years.
I still carried on my studies, still went out , still got a job.
I'm in my 30's and can count number of bf's on one hand.

I couldn't stop over or have sex so i wasn't open about it to my parents.
Did your dd say she wasn't prepared or are you assuming it because she didn't talk to you?
I didn't speak to mine but i was def prepared.
You were alone, but she isn't going to be is she?
She has you.

But why should the other parents back you up? Are you backing them up? No, of course not, because you disagree with them. Disagreements are fine. Not everyone chooses to raise their children the same way. (Do I win the award for the most blindingly obvious statement of the day? )

There is no reason for you to alter your house rules. You don't want your DD to have sex in your house. Perfectly reasonable of you. But it is equally reasonable for the boyfriend's parents to allow their son to invite his girlfriend to spend the night at their house.

Haffdonger give over. You're like a dog with a bone.

Describing sex as someone having a go at you is strange terminology to use.

I get where you're coming from OP, the other mother doesn't owe you a phone call but communication could benefit everyone.

If they feel they are ready, then little will stop them. Work at getting back to being a safe place for your daughter, she'll still do the things she hopes for, it doesn't matter whether she has her virginity or not.

If my son's young gf had turned up here unexpectedly, I would have phoned her mum, even tho she'd been staying here as a friend of my dd's since she was 13.

My boyfriend was allowed to stay and vice versa when I was 16. I recognised my parents were treating me like an adult and it really meant I felt I had to work really hard at school etc to acknowledge that trust. That boyfriend is now my husband 20 years on ;)

Yes, she is 16. Yes, she has a right to have sex. When she lives under her own roof and eats her own bread. Until then, while she lives under someone else's roof (=her mother's) and eats someone else's bread (=her mother's), then I'm afraid she has two choices: abide by the rules of the person whose bread she eats and under whose roof she sleeps - or leave and make her own way in the world.

YANBU, OP. In your house you set the rules.

I would back-up another parent.

Even if you disagreed? You aren't backing the other parents decision are you?

OP what you are feeling is fairly normal. But by holding on to her so tightly, you are actually pushing her away. I know you don't want to do that.

I am not saying you should allow her to sleep with him in your house, that's your decision. But you need to accept she has made this decision. Whether she regrets it or not, it's her decision.

It's not his parents job to parent how you would want them to. They have made their own decision.

You need a heart to heart and explain how hard you are finding it. You are both going through a period of change and need to be kind to each other

And she chose to leave.

That's what happens when people conflate parenthood with ownership over another person's legal right to their own body and private space. That, or kids have sex in public places, or in your own house anyway when you're out.

Ah, that bathroom counter...

I think some of the source of your distress is that somehow without acknowledging it to yourself, you are prizing virginity as a virtue in itself. As something that you hang on to and only relinquish once you have crossed many oceans and learned much about the world. Which you only 'give up' once you are 100% sure and as a measured decision. This opinion resonates for me too as it's what I was brought up with as the child of deeply religious parents who in fact did not believe in any sex before marriage.

However, now I'm an adult, I don't think virginity is a desirable state in and of itself. Really there are just two states - someone who has had sex vs someone who hasn't. There's no virtue in either. But what does feel important as the parent, is whether or not your child who is forming adult relationships now (which for vast majority of people involves sex) is having a positive adult relationship experience.

I expect your DD and her boyfriend feel very much in love/ have massively strong feelings for each other. I think that's actually rather a great first experience. So much depends at what age a young person has their first serious relationship and falls in love - as basically that is when they are going to start having sex even if they were not looking to have sex otherwise. If your daughter had not started a serious relationship until she was 18, chances are you wouldn't be where you are now until then.

And so you can have counselled your DD over the years about making right decisions etc but it will feel like the right decision to her because of her feelings. It's not about giving up her virginity, but about having such strong feelings for someone that whether or not she's had sex before, she knows that she wants to have sex with this particular person. You made that decision at 19, she's made it at 16.

I hope you can reach an equilibribium with your feelings soon. It can't be easy to see your daughter become independent and start making major decisions for herself, but in all honesty, in some ways it's actually a positive thing.

Bloody hell, the op is engaging with people on this thread, accepting criticism and trying to make sense of her feelings

Even if you still disagree with her could some of you stop being taunting wankers.

I first had sex way under 16 with a boy I barely knew and, of course, my mum had no idea. She thinks it was with my first serious boyfriend when I was 16 - and I'm sure she thought that was early!

Anyway, I'm perfectly fine. In my mid 30s, had two other serious relationships and been happily married for 5 years. I guess I'm saying that you don't get mucked up by having sex under 18 whether it's with the love of your life or some bloke you met on holiday - it's never bothered me!!

So if the Op's DD is wrong about this and subsequently regrets her decision, then presumably, her poor judgement of her own readiness can be attributed to the OPs parenting?

All teenagers make mistakes, however well their parents have prepared them. The OP seems to think her DD has made a mistake. Parents, like teenagers make mistakes all the time. If the OP hasn't equipped her DD to know her limitations, them maybe she has made mistake. None of us are perfect. Hell, I'm making it up as I go along. Or, maybe the OP has prepared her DD perfectly well, and the DD is doing just fine, and the OP just doesn't realise it. I don't know, but what I do know is the OP needs to take a step back from trying to control her DD, and step in with the contraception.

Op I actually think yanbu. I found it frustrating when someone recently said to me about my dd "but she's an adult, she's 18!" As if some magical transformation took place on the eve of her 18th birthday. It's a gradual transition into adulthood, and just because your dd can legally have sex does not mean as her parent it's none of your concern. I would be worried too in the circumstances you describe, I also would be mindful of how you might be worried if I were the other parent and if I had a way to make contact would do so, if only to advise you that your 16 year old daughter was safe and staying with my son.

iona is that really how you see parenting?

As a way of enforcing your own beliefs and ideals onto your DCs, and expecting them to forgo all support from you if they establish different values, beliefs and path in life to the ones you have decided upon for them?

Do you not think your DC's deserve the right to form their own values, eliefs and opinions, just as you did? Or are you a replica of your own parents?

A 16 year old is legally allowed to stay out all night partying every school night until three am. No sensible parent who allow that though. Yes sex is legal at 16 but parental rules should override.

IonaNE what's eating her mother's bread got to do with having sex

andnowitsseven Exactly how does a "sensible parent" of a 16 year old prevent them "staying out all night partying every school night until 3am"?

Are you endorsing ionas approch - they they do as their parents say, or the parents throw them out?

Yes sex is legal at 16 but parental rules should override.

The dd isn't living with her mother (or at least wasn't when this occurred) the only parents involved were the boys. Their rules allowed her to stay.

OP, I don't think you are being unreasonable. I think 16 is young, very young. Not even considering the sex, surely one parent would have the curtesy to make sure another child's parents' know where they are over night. I wouldn't want anyone in my house to be out all night without me knowing where they are, what the plan is, etc. Otherwise, how do I know they are safe?

I understand why 16 is the legal age of consent. But, there are a lot of things that are legal which still aren't a great idea. One should have higher standards than the legal minimum! Some 16 year olds are emotionally mature enough to have a healthy sexual relationship, most aren't though.

So with this point of view, I realise that I cannot stop my DDs if they feel it is right for them. But I can give them the emotional and intellectual support to resist doing things they aren't comfortable with. A lot of the culture we live in is pretty crass. If they have sex because they whole heartedly want to do so, fine. If they have sex to conform to outside pressures and expectations the not so fine.

Do you not think your DC's deserve the right to form their own values, eliefs and opinions, just as you did?
Yes. Once they pay their own way to their own beliefs. (Like I did).

IonaNE what's eating her mother's bread got to do with having sex
Her mother does not believe that girls at the age of 16 should have sex. The girl gets her roof from her mother and she is eating the food her woman gives her. She is 16, so she is legally entitled to leave and provide for her own food and accommodation, in which case she can have all the sex she wants. Not before though, in my book.

*her mother.

Iona so a person isn't allowed bodily autonomy until they are financially independent?