Huge row in our household. Wibu?

[Bogeybrains]

My mum is staying with us at the moment. She's staying for 6 months while she's having some work done to her house.

I have to work every weekend for childcare reasons so DH looks after the DC ages 7 and 5. I have said quite a few times that DH does not seem to do much with them and have confronted him. He will take them to the cinema only if I think to buy tickets the night before, he might take them to the park for an hour. He takes them to his mother's and leaves them there for 3 hours every Saturday afternoon. Apart from that, most weekends they don't seem to do much at all DC don't seem unhappy because they just get to play all weekend but I have long suspected that are just playing on their kindles all day.

My DM has been here for 3 weeks. She has made a few comments about DH just being on his phone all the time and not doing much with them. Today I came home from work at 7pm and when I went to speak to her, she just burst into tears. She said DH stayed in bed until 10 am and they were helping themselves to snacks from the fridge when she came through. She said he then took them out for an hour to look at planes. Came home. Put the telly on for the kids and went to bed. She said he got up for 1 hour to ask if anyone wanted lunch then went back to the bedroom and played on his phone for the rest of the day. She said he didn't play with them once and barely spoke to them. DH overheard us and came in. She accused him of neglecting his children. He's now sulking in the living room, saying she is judgmental and a stirrer. He says he has had a hard week, has a cold and he needed a lazy day but as I said he does not seem to do much with them any weekend. She is in her room crying her eyes out saying our dc are lovely children and it is breaking her heart. I'm kind of in the middle. Neglect seems too harsh but i'm leaning more towards DM - he needs kicking up the arse right?

The MIL being a pita drama llama doesn't cancel out the fact that the man is a lazy twat and clearly would rather be playing on his phone than with his kids.
To those asking what he was expected to do - I dunno, be in the same room as them? Talk to them a bit? Make sure they don't spend hours on end playing on electronics or watching tv? Sorry but that's basic - I'm not a hands on helicopter parent and I spend plenty of time reading my iPad whilst with DS but I am in the same room as him (or in the kitchen) and if I go for a bath I get him to do something else when I get out because he will sit and watch tv the whole time.
Spending all day apart from brief interludes on your phone away from the kids is crap. It just is.

I can't believe people are saying 'it's only one day and he's ill'. OP has clearly stated she suspects this is every weekend. Do people seriously think it's ok for kids to have two hours of adult interaction per day every weekend? That would not be ok in our house.

I don't see anything wrong with him taking a day to sleep and rest and let the dc play or in general, to let the children have free play at the weekend without every minute being structured

Totally - once in a while. I was hungover yesterday so spent a fair bit of time on the sofa watching DS play wii and ordered takeaway for dinner. Fine every now and then. Not fine every weekend.

This is a long slow lesson for the kids that it's ok not to engage, get up, be interested, care for (feed) your family and it's not great. Not great at all. If this scenario had played out in my house my DH would be on my shit list and signed up for parenting courses. It's not good enough.

This is a long slow lesson for the kids that it's ok not to engage, get up, be interested, care for (feed) your family

The dh did engage with them, he took them out. He also did feed them.

Do people seriously think it's ok for kids to have two hours of adult interaction per day every weekend? That would not be ok in our house.

Well it's not your house.

And yes I thinks it fine to have lazy weekends.

But my issue is the fact that OPs mother accused him of neglect, and is in tears over it. Which is an over reaction.

If the OP has an issue with how her husband parents (and she says she didn't think he did enough before) she should have been tackling him, not her mother and not in such a dramatic way.

It's highly unlikely, given the OPs description of her mother that the DH is unaware of how difficult she can be. It's entirely possible is her he doesn't want to be around.

How old are the DC?

You have two problems: you think your dh doesn't parent well; and that your mother is behaving in an interfering way.

It is going to be hard to discuss and seek to resolve the issues in your relationship with your DM living with you for the duration of her building work. The best thing would be for her to find alternative accommodation.

If that's not possible, some boundaries would help. For example, establish what (if any) childcare she's willing to help with and when. And make clear that her views/histrionics are unacceptable. Outside any times your M is looking after then DC H needs to be present and can't return to bed!

You could also ask her to babysit regularly and go to couples counselling (don't tell her where you're going!)

Agree with PPs that it does sound like he's parenting badly.

Well lets be honest - if you continue to let your mother interfere and comment on your husbands parenting and indeed think you have the right to dictate how he parents while you are at work, in a few short months the weight will be taken off your mind as contact weekends will be none of your business. How your mother has behaved and how you are behaving is far more damaging that a relaxed weekend with some outdoor time and a visit to paternal grandparents. I find your mothers coments on your autistic child very telling, the last thing they need is organising and being basically told the way they are playing is 'wrong' - for an autistic child self determined down time is essential after the rigours of school.
And as for the lassa faire comments - some of you don't trust your children's inner insticts enough - the need to just play is innate and vital - the need to have self determined time and activities is essential. Hands off parenting

Sure, kids need unstructured play time. Nobody will argue with that. But they also need their parent to be present emotionally for them. It doesn't mean sat on the floor colouring with them all day but it does mean in the same vicinity, chipping in when asked something, offering praise for something well done...
And don't compare what this guy is doing to being a wahp or doing housework because both those things are useful and important. Playing on his phone in bed is not.

And before people say 'what about when they are off playing in their bedroom' yes sure, but again that's the kids choice. If your kids want to go and play in their room that's up to them, they haven't been left to their own devices whether they wanted it or not

I don't think anyone is 100% in the right or wrong.

Your mother sounds over dramatic but on the other hand, she has been there to actually witness your DH at weekends and you haven't. And you had concerns about it before anyway. So she is confirming your worries.

Your DH does sound a bit crap but he's not a total disaster, as others have said.

I would tell your mum to calm down, that you are grateful for her concern and you will discuss with DH. And to try not to interfere or judge while she's living with you.

I would talk to your DH and say while you're mum is being over dramatic, you have been concerned about what he does at the weekends and she has now confirmed it, so can you talk about it?

OP, did your DH tell your DM beforehand that he felt ill and would she mind looking after the kids? Has your DM been providing the daycare all weekend for the last 3 weeks and like this and its getting on top of her? Because to me that's where the issue seems to lie here.

Is it ok to have a lazy day when you're ill? Yes.
Is it ok to take to your bed when you're ill and there's another adult in the house and you've let them know what's happening? Yes.
Is it ok to take to your bed when you're ill and you haven't informed the other adult? No, its rude.

If my DM or MIL had to stay here for 6 months I would expect them to help out. But I'd also expect for them to be treated with consideration. In the same way if I'm ill enough to need lazy time I tell DH about it so he knows the DC are his responsibility, and vice versa.

I agree with blackbird and am surprised at how many people leapt to this mans defence.

Children learn from watching: these children are learning that being a man or a husband involves such hard work during the week that it's acceptable to play on your phone all weekend, and that this is OK for them too.

Depressingly, a number of posters here have confirmed this.

On a typical Saturday when I have had a full-on week at work and my DP is working, I don't do much leading of educational activity. I slob out on my bed or on the sofa as much as possible, admiring the occasional leg creation that is brought to me. Stirring myself to organise food when needed. Eventually summoning the energy for a trip to the park or somesuch. I don't think I am being neglectful.

Interacting with kids in a fun and educational way, even your own kids, is work. People need some time off. It is not bad for kids to entertain themselves for a day if the grownup supervising them is too knackered for energetic interaction.

On the other hand, if there was another adult in the house enjoying free hospitality and who had not spent the whole preceding 5 days working I would think it a bit crap if they didn't pull their finger out and pay the kids a bit more attention. What was your mum doing all day? If either my mum or my DP's mum were staying, they would be taking the DC out for the day every Saturday to give me a proper break while DP works.

Leg=lego in para1

winter

Many female posters on here have confirmed that they like to chill out and relax, at weekends, in this thread.

Most people have said, as I have, it not ideal to do this every weekend.

However if the OP had a problem before yesterday, she should have tackled it.

I do wonder if the dh was keeping our mils way.

Is the mil also teaching the kids that women deal with a situation by bursting into tears, over reacting and throwing nasty accusations about?

I don't want to just paraphrase everything blackbird has said Enjolrass but I think posters are being a bit obnoxious in (deliberately?) refusing to acknowledge the difference between a chilled out weekend as a family, where you might stick a film on and half heartedly watch it whilst playing on your phone, having a takeaway pizza, reading a story and then going to bed early. Not a problem.

But that isn't what's happening here. The op has twice described children being ignored, even when they try to talk to their dad. That's rude (of him.)

I am not someone who thinks children should be entertained every second of the day and at this age absolutely not but just the same, the op is describing a lack of emotional engagement and that must be upsetting to see.

Of course, the mothers reaction was over the top but it came from somewhere.

Sounds like your mum needs to mind her own business! Think about it from the other side, if it was your MIL staying for 6 months and she was criticising how you parent, would you be happy about it or want her to stay?! If it was the other way round this thread would be full of advice to kick her out and get your DH to support you.

If your DH is generally okay and the kids were largely happy, there is nothing neglectful about having a slobby low key Saturday. If you want him to sit in the room with the kids and interact a bit that is fair enough, but your mum making such a drama about it has probably made it more difficult to raise with him because he is, understandably, going to feel like he's being ganged up on.

You and DH are the team, not you and your DM. If you want the next 6 months to go smoothly I think you need to tell DM to wind her neck in, and reassure your DH that she overreacted (although there are things he could do differently).

I think your mum might've told you some time and somewhere that she wouldn't have been overheard. That made it into a completely different problem and took away your opportunity to raise it with him whilst leaving her out of it, so as not to cloud the issue.

I can understand why your DH was upset about that part.

Your DM then created another problem by crying in her room (but loudly so you can hear it). We can't help crying, but she should try to keep it down, especially as you had other things to deal with right at that moment.

However, IMO your kids are far too young to be left unsupervised for hours at a time. If your DH wanted his house guest to do it for him, then he should have asked her or at least told her, not just assumed (or not cared whether she did or didn't?).

Is it that important though that they are provided with structured entertainment, devised and led by someone else? Don't they have toys they can just happily play with in the sittingroom for hours at a time?

My ex is like this. Doesn't do a damn thing with them. I know lots of men like this though, it's not uncommon.
Why isn't your mother pulling her weight?

the mothers reaction was over the top but it came from somewhere.

yes, the OP has said she is a pita. That's where it came from.

And that's the issue. If the OP is very concerned about her husbands parenting, then she should tackle it. Not the MIL and not in this way, especially when she is staying with them.
Especially when the mil is a 'judgmental old cow'.

The comments about the the ops son and his activities are also very telling. That they shouldn't let him play how he wants?

That's not ok.

The more I think of it, the more this gets to me:
She said DH stayed in bed until 10 am and they were helping themselves to snacks from the fridge when she came through.
Ok, so we've all felt unwell and have slept in from time to time. I will assume as DM wasn't up at the time the kids were that she wasn't expecting to look after them that morning. But the kids were up and helping themselves without attempting to wake DM, which highly suggests (given the DCs age here) that they've become used to doing this at weekends. Or they tried to wake DH and were told to leave him alone. Neither of those scenarios are good.

I haven't finished the thread yet but your DH sounds like he does plenty with the kids! A loT of weekends we don't even leave the house one of the days and have a trip to my parents on the other. Going out to look at planes? In December?! He is crazy!

I do think you mum needs to be interacting with the children if she is living in your house, but if it were us my mum would never ever even have asked to stay, much less been welcome (although I adore her) 6 months is too long and she should get a rental place.