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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Huge row in our household. Wibu?

277 replies

Bogeybrains · 05/12/2015 23:10

My mum is staying with us at the moment. She's staying for 6 months while she's having some work done to her house.

I have to work every weekend for childcare reasons so DH looks after the DC ages 7 and 5. I have said quite a few times that DH does not seem to do much with them and have confronted him. He will take them to the cinema only if I think to buy tickets the night before, he might take them to the park for an hour. He takes them to his mother's and leaves them there for 3 hours every Saturday afternoon. Apart from that, most weekends they don't seem to do much at all Sad DC don't seem unhappy because they just get to play all weekend but I have long suspected that are just playing on their kindles all day.

My DM has been here for 3 weeks. She has made a few comments about DH just being on his phone all the time and not doing much with them. Today I came home from work at 7pm and when I went to speak to her, she just burst into tears. She said DH stayed in bed until 10 am and they were helping themselves to snacks from the fridge when she came through. She said he then took them out for an hour to look at planes. Came home. Put the telly on for the kids and went to bed. She said he got up for 1 hour to ask if anyone wanted lunch then went back to the bedroom and played on his phone for the rest of the day. She said he didn't play with them once and barely spoke to them. DH overheard us and came in. She accused him of neglecting his children. He's now sulking in the living room, saying she is judgmental and a stirrer. He says he has had a hard week, has a cold and he needed a lazy day but as I said he does not seem to do much with them any weekend. She is in her room crying her eyes out saying our dc are lovely children and it is breaking her heart. I'm kind of in the middle. Neglect seems too harsh but i'm leaning more towards DM - he needs kicking up the arse right?

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 05/12/2015 23:37

Does your mum not interact with them at all?

She should not be 'telling' on him.

Osolea · 05/12/2015 23:38

Is there a reason that your mum couldn't do something with them if it's upsetting her this much? It does sound like she is seriously over reacting tbh, and I wouldn't be happy about her interfering. Surely she could do some baking or something with them if she feels they need some more entertainment?

Seeyounearertime · 05/12/2015 23:39

Where do you want DH to take the kids?
I don't know about anyone else but we've done everything round here TO DEATH and our DD isnt even 3.

Would you really want young kids outdoors in this weather for extended periods?
Maybe he could go to indoor play centres? Every week though? The DC would get sick of it.

I Think kids, if theyre happy playing, let them play. Our DD loves being in her room with her little toys etc. We play with her for an hour or so but after that she tells us to go downstairs. Lol.

Of theyre fed, happy, warm and loved, what else do they need after a busy school week?

KeepOnMoving1 · 05/12/2015 23:41

I missed the bit about her staying for 6 months! Your dh needs a medal not being confronted by gossiping about him. She has a bloody cheek doing that while living in his home.

HamaTime · 05/12/2015 23:43

My kids just play at weekends. It's never occurred to me that this is a bad thing.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/12/2015 23:46

I didn't get up till 10am this morning either. My dc are also 7&5. They were happily playing tents when I got up. I think they'd had some satsumas judging from the peel everywhere.. I certainly couldn't be arsed to take them out to look at planes. They aren't remotely neglected.

chicaguapa · 05/12/2015 23:46

Your DC's Saturday sounds like my DC's tbh. They like their downtime at the weekend, as do we, especially during the winter.

Agree with PP about your mum's dramatics and that she could help more if she's staying for 6 months.

MistressoftheYoniverse · 05/12/2015 23:48

Ha!...well I was certainly not mum of the year eh my kids would make their own breakfast while watching Netflix on Saturday morning! xD
He dared to take them to visit their other grandparent too? how very dare him! he must be entertaining them for every moment of the day just in case they get bored for a second...they might try to play with some toys in their room...frightening!!

Crying her eyes out?..really? because he's neglecting his children...one thing I can't stand is the use of emotive and important words in an inaccurate way...Hmm

Original poster
Bogeybrains · 05/12/2015 23:49

I am really in the middle. Yes Dh does have redeeming qualities, he is very kind, always great in an emergency, he is laid back which I love but he is just so lazy. He comes in from work. has an hour long bath, plays on his phone, eats. He probably spends an hour tops with the kids on a normal day. Sometimes I see the little one talking to him and DH does not even realise. And it upsets me at work knowing they are not doing anything fun on the weekend. The youngest is so happy to see me when I come home - he clings to me.

On the other side, DM is a lovely person, she does lots with the DC, always taking them to panto's, out for meals but she is a judgmental cow lol. One of the dc's is autistic and loves to play with figures, lining them up and doing all sorts of play with them. She has said he only seems to enjoy playing with figures - you need to stop it so he does other things. I just think, he is playing with his toys and enjoying them - leave him alone.

OP posts:
BadLad · 05/12/2015 23:50

Does your mother like your husband?

GreyBird84 · 05/12/2015 23:51

I think the fact that OP has suspected her DH of being lazy with the children at the weekend & now her mum confirming it is the main issue. It's not as though the OP is shocked by her mums info.

Yes your DH needs a kick up the Arse. He needs to see himself that his attitude is wrong & unfair to the kids though for it to change. How can he/you do that?

My DH is/was similar. Is currently suspended for excessive phone use at work. I think this is the hard cold slap in the face he needed to see how detrimental his phone addiction is to me, our family & running of our house.
So this issue is very raw for me & I have no sympathy for your DH, despite living with his MIL for 6 months.

Kids aren't kids forever. It can be Hard work entertaining them & thinking of things to do but a quick Google can find things- DS (16months) loves a basin of water & Tupperware!

KeepOnMoving1 · 05/12/2015 23:51

Seems like she is a stirrer and she's going to cause a lot of problems while she's there. You need to talk to her that it is not her place to give judgements. If your dh wants her out I wouldn't blame him!

WorraLiberty · 05/12/2015 23:52

But they do do fun things on a weekend.

They get to visit their gran and today they went and saw the planes, even though their Dad was ill and their other gran clearly couldn't be arsed to help out.

I would have a quiet word with your Mum about today's tears and tantrums, because tbh, I really can't see her lasting 6 months with you all otherwise.

Seeyounearertime · 05/12/2015 23:52

I think your kids and DH sound perfectly normal.

What did you do at weekends as a kid? Did your parents drag you all over the Damned place all the time, play with you every minute etc?

Call me a bad parent if you like but screw that. I believe kids need self play and relaxation at weekends just as much as adults.
Weekends for me growing up would be visit elderly relatives on Saturday, Sunday loe in, dinner, and bath. then bullseye

GreyBird84 · 05/12/2015 23:53

Just reading your second post Bogey - our DH's sound very similar as do our mothers! Lol

iamanintrovert · 05/12/2015 23:54

Well, he took them for an outing and offered lunch, then let them play at home with 2 adults present ..
I can't see a big problem here.

wiltingfast · 05/12/2015 23:54

but what do you want them to be doing??? Am a bit baffled tbh. How old are these dc?

WorraLiberty · 05/12/2015 23:56

Actually I'm a bit confused about how many kids there are.

Are there 2 or 3 of them?

Not that it's relevant really.

MistressoftheYoniverse · 05/12/2015 23:56

Sorry but your mum sounds passive aggressive... maybe even a narcissist ...does she burst into tears quite alot?... if she has been doing it for years you might not have noticed...

7Coffees · 06/12/2015 00:00

I'd be livid if my mil interfered like this! She's overstepped and what's wrong with kids going to see planes and entertaining themselves at weekends?

Canyouforgiveher · 06/12/2015 00:00

I'd hate to think of young kids doing nothing all weekend but tv, kindle etc. as your mother described. If most weekend days are like this, I'd be concerned and would try to change my work so we did family things together or would talk to dh about it.

But I just don't understand your mother. Did she sit there while they did all this making her report on their father but not suggesting she make a sandwich for lunch or a lead a walk to the park, or a game of snakes and ladders, or anything? Neither my mother not MIL would have been reporting on dh in this situation but would have been having a nice time with their grandkids.

Either she was there to see everything and thus did as little with your children as your husband (besides crying her eyes out at their awful lives) or she wasn't there so how would she know?

OP I think you are worried about how the weekends go. I think part of this might be guilt/misery over missing the weekends. I think your mother knows this and consciously or unconsciously is feeding into it. Does she want you to stop working weekends?

And if I ever have to stay with my daughter and son in law for 6 months, I certainly won't be enhancing the experience by tattle telling on him/bawling my eyes out etc over kids having a bit too much screen time on a weekend. Your mother's judgement doesn't sound great.

usual · 06/12/2015 00:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Meow75 · 06/12/2015 00:04

At least today's activities didn't cost much/anything.

And the weather is pretty vile. I only went out because the Christmas Market was this weekend in Lincoln and my opportunity was today or not at all.

Booyaka · 06/12/2015 00:05

She's been there 3 weeks and this has happened. You need to make alternative arrangements for where she will stay. For a parent to be there a few weeks and to be stirring like this is not on.

AgentZigzag · 06/12/2015 00:06

Is he genuinely lazy or just tired and wants to switch off after work?

Genuinely lazy or not looking after the children in the same way your mum thinks he should you do?

An hour is not too bad, how many hours are there in total in between him getting back from work and them going to bed?

With your mum there it'd be easy for the boundaries to start getting blurred, and she does seem to think she has the right to a say in how your DC are parented.

You really should be backing up your DH (regardless of whether you privately agree with your mum, if you do it's something you can talk about when you're on your own) and telling your mum to be grateful for you both letting her stop for so long.

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