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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Huge row in our household. Wibu?

277 replies

Bogeybrains · 05/12/2015 23:10

My mum is staying with us at the moment. She's staying for 6 months while she's having some work done to her house.

I have to work every weekend for childcare reasons so DH looks after the DC ages 7 and 5. I have said quite a few times that DH does not seem to do much with them and have confronted him. He will take them to the cinema only if I think to buy tickets the night before, he might take them to the park for an hour. He takes them to his mother's and leaves them there for 3 hours every Saturday afternoon. Apart from that, most weekends they don't seem to do much at all Sad DC don't seem unhappy because they just get to play all weekend but I have long suspected that are just playing on their kindles all day.

My DM has been here for 3 weeks. She has made a few comments about DH just being on his phone all the time and not doing much with them. Today I came home from work at 7pm and when I went to speak to her, she just burst into tears. She said DH stayed in bed until 10 am and they were helping themselves to snacks from the fridge when she came through. She said he then took them out for an hour to look at planes. Came home. Put the telly on for the kids and went to bed. She said he got up for 1 hour to ask if anyone wanted lunch then went back to the bedroom and played on his phone for the rest of the day. She said he didn't play with them once and barely spoke to them. DH overheard us and came in. She accused him of neglecting his children. He's now sulking in the living room, saying she is judgmental and a stirrer. He says he has had a hard week, has a cold and he needed a lazy day but as I said he does not seem to do much with them any weekend. She is in her room crying her eyes out saying our dc are lovely children and it is breaking her heart. I'm kind of in the middle. Neglect seems too harsh but i'm leaning more towards DM - he needs kicking up the arse right?

OP posts:
tiggytape · 06/12/2015 00:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Viviennemary · 06/12/2015 00:09

Firstly your mother should find her own accommodation Staying with you for six months is simply not on. And complaining about your DH is even worse. I can't see any problem apart from your Mother staying for six months which is beyond ridiculous. And your poor DH not even allowed a lie in at weekends because his mother in law doesn't allow it. No way would I put up with that kind of nonsense. She should be out the door double quick.

pictish · 06/12/2015 00:09

I think he's one extreme, your mother is the other and the right place is somewhere in the middle.

Yes your dh is lazy and could do more with the kids. But no, she does not need to be crying about it and frankly creating total discord in your household while she's living there.

Hopefully the outburst will give your dh some food for thought and a well needed kick up the backside, but at the same time, be wary of letting your mother interfere in your family life and marriage this way.

AgentZigzag · 06/12/2015 00:10

Only 3 into the 26 weeks Booyaka? Shock

Missed that bit, definitely get some boundaries set down then OP or there'll be bloody murders before week 10.

(makes it sound like some kind of nightmare reality show Grin)

Original poster
Bogeybrains · 06/12/2015 00:11

Do people think spending literally 2 hours of the day with their children is normal? He spent most of the day playing on his phone in a separate room. I can be a lazy bitch myself but I sit in the same room as my kids, they hassle me to play a game of who would win in a fight - Paw Patrol V Baymax. We get the toys out and we do it - I end up enjoying it. I don't think DH does. They love him but they never ask him to come play in their rooms like they do me - it makes me sad to think of it but maybe they just know he won't.

No, we are not activity parents to those who asked. They have swimming once per week and that's it.

And yes, I think my DM is a bit of a bitch although I love her dearly but she really loves the kids and maybe she has a point here.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 06/12/2015 00:11

He didn't do nothing all day though.

He took them out to see the planes and when he was ill.

Can you imagine if someone started a thread saying, "I've been working all week, I feel ill and my MIL is staying for 6 months. AIBU to just want a chill out day, or should I take the kids out for an hour and make them lunch"?

Cue loads of posters saying, "YANBU, the weather is awful. Take it easy and forget about the planes. Can your MIL not take them out and offer them a bit of lunch?"

Jux · 06/12/2015 00:11

I think if dh wasn't well, then he could have asked your mum if she could look after the children today so he can rest and get better. I think it's pretty rude of him to just leave her with them without asking or even mentioning it.

pictish · 06/12/2015 00:12

P.s I think taking them out to see the planes for an hour is fine. The weather is shitty and sometimes there really is nothing to do but kick back.

He probably disappears off to the room to avoid stilted smalltalk with your mum. Not because he dislikes her or anything, but just...you know...because.

AgentZigzag · 06/12/2015 00:13

'Yes your dh is lazy and could do more with the kids'

But he's got manflu ill pictish, at least he made an effort some of the time.

WorraLiberty · 06/12/2015 00:15

Do you work in the week OP?

How many kids do you have?

AnnaMarlowe · 06/12/2015 00:15

I'm confused about why your Mum was in her room crying? fabulous example for the children

It sounds like there may be some weekend issues that should be addressed but why would that send her to her room? Surely that resulted in two adults in the house both in their rooms, both Ignoring the children?

In the same circumstances my mum would have had the kids all help out with a bit of house work before doing some nice educational baking/a board game/a nice bracing walk.

My Mum is a woman of action though - she is, on principle, opposed to sitting in corners crying.

Have this discussion with your DH. Privately. You aren't 'in the middle'.

This is nothing to do with your DM unless she is genuinely concerned for their safety with your DH.

MistressoftheYoniverse · 06/12/2015 00:15

Parents ...they parent differently...I don't expect my DH to do the things I do with my DDs ..

pictish · 06/12/2015 00:16

OP what did you spend your weekends doing when you were your kids' age? How much time did your dad spend with you on the weekend?
I'm just wondering what your mum is setting the bar by.

ouryve · 06/12/2015 00:17

That level of detachment from your DH is pretty extreme and shocking, but why was your maternal houseguest of 6 months, another living, breathing, capable adult, just sitting back and watching them struggle in the first place.

Is she scared of your DH? Why did she not give him what for?

HPsauciness · 06/12/2015 00:20

Having a kind parent, who is relaxed, who ensures contact with his side of the family (visiting grandparents) and gets off his sick bed to take them plane spotting- honestly, he's fine.

I have also found over the years that if we make weekends too busy and activity oriented, the children get too tired and narky- so now I put all activities such as Brownies and swimming in the week and we chill at weekends.

We do very similar to what your husband does, get up late, potter out for an hour or two activity (walk in park, out to see relatives or friends) and chill out watching TV/making and doing/playing the rest of the time.

Don't let your mum come between you. Also don't feel guilty you are not there on weekends, as I say, it turns out that my children are very busy all week and we all need the weekends to recuperate, so mine also have had to play many Sat afternoons while I have a rest on the sofa (I have fallen asleep watching Disney movies so many times)- that's what happens, there's nothing terrible about this parenting.

Not feeding the children at all, not taking them out at all, always on screens, lots of fighting and bickering- these are not nice weekends, your children's weekend actually sounds quite nice.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 06/12/2015 00:21

You only know how much time your DH spent with the DC today, because your DM behaved like a 6 yr old drama llama telling tales. Your DH is probably a damn sight better when he's the only adult and no-one there to report back.

How would you feel if it was your MiL criticising your parenting and bursting in to tears about it?

Canyouforgiveher · 06/12/2015 00:23

And yes, I think my DM is a bit of a bitch although I love her dearly but she really loves the kids and maybe she has a point here.

Yes maybe she does have a point. I think you think she has a point and you think that even without her input. So that is obviously something you have to deal with your dh.

But did she really sit there herself and let the kids she loves off without organizing anything herself? Pot kettle black is all I would think. And did she not think the next 5 months (and definitely the next 5 months of weekends) might be a bit awkward given what she has done? Your dh is lazy but your mother is slightly bizarre imo.

AgentZigzag · 06/12/2015 00:24

It's not for the OP's mum to give her DH what for ouryve!

She's a fucking guest in his house.

HPsauciness · 06/12/2015 00:24

Ok, just seen he really is in other room. If he is ignoring them when they are fighting, need food, that is definitely wrong. If he's just keeping out of the way (of his MIL) and they are doing fine, this is ok.

I also wonder if he assumed that your Mum was looking after them in the afternoon. That would have been the sensible way to divide up the tasks- so him doing a morning activity, her watching them play in afternoon.

Unless she's going to help out more, this is going to be a long six months.

Seeyounearertime · 06/12/2015 00:25

I'm just trying to remember what we did today, my DD, GF and I.
It's blowing an absolute gale out there and has been all day.

We got up, had breakfast. We put cartoons on in the living room at the same time, this was around, 8-9ish? My GF took her two Boys swimming, DD and I stayed home. DD went upstairs and played, I stayed downstairs and listened through the intercom. She stayed up there till my Mum came at 11.30. GF and boys got home a similar time. DD came down, saw nan and grandad, they left at 12.30pm and we had cheese a sarnies. DD then ran into the other room and built a fort with the dining table, she watched peppa pig on the PC, popped into me and GF now and then. About 4 she wanted to go upstairs, she stayed up there till 5.30osh whe we had beans on toast. Then she was he'd bed time hour, had YouTube and bed at 7.30.

Most of this time I was playing PS4, GF was on her tablet, Boys were upstairs.

That's a normalish kinda Saturday I thought?

Monday-friday is when I do housework, weekends are basics. If everyone's fed and watered and alive by Monday morning then its fine. Grin

WorraLiberty · 06/12/2015 00:27

It's not for the OP's mum to give her DH what for ouryve!

She's a fucking guest in his house.

This ^^ totally.

In fact I'm almost dreading Christmas on their behalf.

Is the MIL going to sit there with a clipboard and check list, to report to the OP?

MagicMojito · 06/12/2015 00:30

Yabu, so is your mum. I'd be pretty fucking furious tbh. If I allowed a family member to stay in my home for 6months to help them out and then they had the cheek to start bitching about my parenting skills to my other half I'd be telling them to make alternative living arrangements pronto. I'm not saying this aggressively BTW, its just how I'd honestly react in your husbands shoes.

suzannecaravaggio · 06/12/2015 00:38

your mum sounds melodramatic

mathanxiety · 06/12/2015 00:40

I think your DM sounds great. Having someone who takes your children out to do things, give them treats, etc. is lovely.

I also think your DH sounds fine. He is kind, good in an emergency, and he did something interesting with them and facilitates time for them with his parents.

You have to work weekends and maybe you feel a bit guilty about that, and feel people who have their weekends off should be putting in more effort to entertain the DCs to make up for your absence?

It doesn't have to be like that. Your child with autism in particular seems to enjoy lining up his little figures and if the other child is happy just to play then that sounds like a good, healthy way to spend two days off -- the DCs are off too and relaxing, even being a bit bored, watching tv or playing together are all fine as weekend activities.

However, he needs to be 'present' when he is there. Playing on his phone in the other room isn't ok until they are a bit older, and not realising the children are talking to him means he is tuned out. This bit needs to change or he will not have a relationship with them when they are older. He needs to actually listen and engage.

TendonQueen · 06/12/2015 00:41

Some weekends like this would be ok, but this is how he always is. Your mum approached it the wrong way, but she's right. He's lazy.