Huge row in our household. Wibu?

[Bogeybrains]

My mum is staying with us at the moment. She's staying for 6 months while she's having some work done to her house.

I have to work every weekend for childcare reasons so DH looks after the DC ages 7 and 5. I have said quite a few times that DH does not seem to do much with them and have confronted him. He will take them to the cinema only if I think to buy tickets the night before, he might take them to the park for an hour. He takes them to his mother's and leaves them there for 3 hours every Saturday afternoon. Apart from that, most weekends they don't seem to do much at all DC don't seem unhappy because they just get to play all weekend but I have long suspected that are just playing on their kindles all day.

My DM has been here for 3 weeks. She has made a few comments about DH just being on his phone all the time and not doing much with them. Today I came home from work at 7pm and when I went to speak to her, she just burst into tears. She said DH stayed in bed until 10 am and they were helping themselves to snacks from the fridge when she came through. She said he then took them out for an hour to look at planes. Came home. Put the telly on for the kids and went to bed. She said he got up for 1 hour to ask if anyone wanted lunch then went back to the bedroom and played on his phone for the rest of the day. She said he didn't play with them once and barely spoke to them. DH overheard us and came in. She accused him of neglecting his children. He's now sulking in the living room, saying she is judgmental and a stirrer. He says he has had a hard week, has a cold and he needed a lazy day but as I said he does not seem to do much with them any weekend. She is in her room crying her eyes out saying our dc are lovely children and it is breaking her heart. I'm kind of in the middle. Neglect seems too harsh but i'm leaning more towards DM - he needs kicking up the arse right?

I think if your dm is staying for so long she should make herself useful by helping out with the childcare and not bitching to you about your dp. Agree if the tables were turned you would be absolutely livid.

I think your mother is in the wrong.
Weekends are for relaxing and kids need to be able to entertain themselves.

I think the problem here is that you and your DH have completely different ideas of what is good parenting. Your mum has simply given you some confirmation bias to what you already feel - that your DH doesn't put as much effort into things as you do and that you do not feel it's acceptable.

That's a problem you need to address now, trying to find a compromise you can both live with.

FWIW, I agree with a poster above who said that sometimes children don't want/need strictly timetabled days; they need time to just chill out, especially on weekends. However, while it's an unpopular viewpoint, I do think that a parent who lets the average 5-year-old roam around the house unsupervised while they lie in bed all morning, is bordering on the neglectful. Lying on the sofa loosely monitoring is one thing, being remotely shut away in the bedroom says you simply don't see it as your responsibility, which is perhaps the bigger problem here.

being remotely shut away in the bedroom says you simply don't see it as your responsibility, which is perhaps the bigger problem here.

How big is this house? was DH in the west wing whilst children played in the east library?
I could go upstairs into my room, shut the door, get into bed, u der the duvet and I'd still be perfectly able to hear a child cry or an argument ensue etc. Not that I would and its beside the point, OPs OH knew OPs DM was in the house and I feel he was avoiding her.

Can't think why he'd try to avoid such a pleasant and wonderful person

I don't think he needs to do more with them, and your mum sounds like a total drama queen. Though I'd expect him to be in a room with them more than a couple of hours every weekend. As an infrequent under the weather weekend, it's fine.

If my mother (or my MIL, god I shudder to think) were staying in my house for 6 bloody months, I'd expect her to pick up some of the childcare. Fgs, it isn't home cinema for her to watch your DH parent

'was DH in the west wing whilst children played in the east library?'

I'm bordering on the neglectful then, although I leave breakfast out for my 5 YO and I've educated her in the workings of the remote so she can enjoy a bit of spongebob while I'm languishing in bed until 10.

There's no roaming to be done in a two up/two down and I'm not remotely shut away avoiding responsibility, I could only laugh at someone who thought they could manipulate someone else into telling me off for how I choose to spend my day.

Like I said, an unpopular viewpoint.

Lost count of the number of parents who have stated that they didn't think it would happen to their DC though because they'd hear/know in some way.

Each to their own.

I think you'll end up divorced before your mum's six months are up, OP.

Didn't think what would happen Pounding?

That DD will get square eyes from watching the box while I'm revelling in a bit of extra kip?

Noooo

Ah, it's the competitive laissez-faire posters again. Let's see who can scoop the record for how long they leave the kids to sort themselves out, eh?

1. having your Mother in law live with you for six months is never going to be easy - it's Downton Abbey minus the land, money and staff.

But 2) As a bloke, I can tell you very straightforwardly that this is not an issue for your DH and his Mum but with his Dad... Find out what that was all about, how it went when he was a kid, if his Dad took him to football on a Saturday, to the woods for rambles and butterfly catching, or shooting or fishing or whatever - maybe your DH has no role model and will not only defer to your MIL but expect her to do all that was done for him while he, maybe as his Dad, was absent. You need to dig into DHs relationship with his Dad and help him realise that he can pull off something other than a repeat.

I agree Atenco. And by the sound of things it may well be that DH would be justified.

I think that if this was reversed and a woman said that her partner constantly criticised her more relaxed parenting style and called her an inadequate parent, then moved in his difficult mother who she tried to avoid which caused her to throw an absolute fit, accusing her of neglect when she was ill and refusing to help. People would be saying LTB.

It's a shitty day. They pottered around and went out for an hour. Nothing wrong with that.

OP, if you genuinely think there is a problem you need to deal with that directly with him without your mother's input. But if I was him I would have a huge problem that you trusted me so little you were prepared to believe that what your mother claimed happened on one day under an unusual set of circumstances is representative of all his parenting. If he is furious I think he is more than justified. He's doing your mother a favour having her to stay (as are you) so he deserves to be treated better than this.

Hehe, I'm definitely not laissez-faire when it comes to my DDs, but thankfully DD2 can manage a bit of time on her own without any problems.

If there is a problem - she gives me a shout or gets into bed and puts her cold feet on me

It's not brain surgery.

What is your DM normally like with regards to drama llama antics and criticising?

If my MIL made these comments to DH he'd take them seriously because MIL never comments on our parenting unless asked. She'd be saying it out of genuine concern.

If my friend's MIL said it then it'd go in one ear and out the other because she's a constant critic about everything.

Where your mother fits on that scale would fix my reaction.

Also does your DH default parent when another adult is around? Some folks to that without realising. My sister's ex husband used to lose himself in a book or a sleep as soon as another adult was about. It was infuriating because he'd just abdicate responsibility for his kids on the basis 'you were there'. If he does that then maybe your Mum doesn't want it to become a habit.

It's reasonable to expect your husband to be more engaged and make sure the children are not on electronic devices all weekend or lay about on devices himself, it's not good for any of us (but most of us have done this, I would wager). Have a heart to heart and even go over what you would like to see him do on these days you're working and come to an understanding. He sees it as a day of rest, you see it as structuring the children's day to ensure certain things, healthy meals, no over-doing devices, worthwhile activities. Both of you are right.

However, I don't see anything wrong with him taking a day to sleep and rest and let the dc play or in general, to let the children have free play at the weekend without every minute being structured. He took them out to see planes so they had an activity and fresh air. You said your husband had a cold. Your mother could have helped out and been supportive of your husband but instead sounds very meddling. I feel for him having a mil who seems manipulative in addition to using tears etc. to cause problems in the household over something that I feel is pretty trivial and not her business. She should remember she is a guest there and not in charge. I think you should tell mil to be supportive of your husband.

Ask yourself why "there's a huge row in our household." Your mother. This is not going to end well if you don't allow him his half of authority in his and your own household. Your husband is already a bit of a saint in my eyes for allowing your mother to live there for six months while she is having work done on her house. That sounds like a lot of time--what kind of work is being done? I would be very interested to know. Your mother's meddling is going to cause a lot of resentment in your husband and I wouldn't blame him. Good luck, keep us updated on how you decide to resolve this.

I think the fact that OP has suspected her DH of being lazy with the children at the weekend & now her mum confirming it is the main issue.

I agree.

Dramarama. Parents parent differently. Unless the children are unhappy there is no issue with dad's parenting.

I agree it was a crap day, so not many choices and it makes people feel less like going out, especially when ill.

But the poor guy, you've basically called him an inadequate parent, he's stuck with a nuisance MIL, seemingly being judged constantly, as I doubt she just happened to decide one day, I'll keep a note and report.

Whilst not ideal your MIL was there so if she was so despairing unless there are reasons as to why not, if she felt they were being neglected she could have done something, just watching them supposedly struggle and be left alone is as bad if not worse than what DH may have done unconsciously whilst ill (or not at all)

What's worse is say he does something more next weekend it just looks like your MIL was right (even though he could have been doing similar all the time) and if he doesn't change there will be more drama tears. He seems to have no support and added pressure now that your mum is there and there is no end in sight. I feel quite sorry for him TBH

Disappearing off to bed if you're feeling ill and there is another adult in the house doesn't sound like such a terrible thing to me. But if he routinely were to take himself off to bed when he is in charge then yes, he is being lazy. And leaving them with his mother for three hours does seem a bit lazy unless he has got something important to do.

But as for the 'not doing stuff' with them, I can't see how that is neglectful at all. It is perfectly normal to me that weekends are spent at home, with the kids playing and us pottering about. We don't live within walking distance of a park so we don't even do stuff like that very much. Cinema trips are maybe a twice a year treat. We maybe go for a 'day out' once every few weeks. But every weekend? There just isn't anywhere to go.

We don't ignore the kids, we read to the little one, we play games with him if he asks us to, we drink the imaginary cups of tea that he makes us etc but there is no way that that adds up to hours and hours of us doing structured activities with the children. They don't want us interacting with them all the time, in fact they quite often as they want to play alone, or with each other.

I thought that was fairly normal tbh. As a child I would have hated to have spent my every waking hour with my parents, I would have felt so smothered.

I think your hubby could make a little more effort but he isn't your problem OP.
It sounds like you agree with your mum and that's your problem right there. Letting her get in the middle and letting her manipulative behaviour effect you (an your family). She needs to find somewhere else to stay and you and your hubby need to chat and agree what is ok or not ok (at weekends) together.

I don't really play with my children. The baby, I do. But the other two (they are 8 and 2), meh. I read to them, play games occasionally. I talk with them a lot and am good for some coloring or crafts every now and then.

I'm not neglectful.

This weekend the kids will have been to 3 parties and dd is doing a grading exam. We look pretty busy and like we are doing loads.

Last two weekends the most exciting thing the kids have done is sleep at my mums.

While your dh probably could do more, your DM was out of order. Neglect? Burst into tears? In her room crying her heart out?

Did he have a lazy day or dos he assault them?

Because her reaction is that of someone who has witnessed something pretty horrific.

Your dh did do something with them today, he also made sure they were fed and ok.

There is also nothin wrong with taking them to his mums for a few hours, if his mum is ok with it. So he gets 3 hours to himself a week.

Dh is the one in our house that's in the floor playing paw patrol, the one that builds the GUP C with a working winch out of cardboard boxes. I don't do stuff like that.

I am a damn good parent and love my kids. And if mil cried and told me I was neglecting them dh would be telling her where to go. I wouldn't need to.

If you feel your dh needs to do more, your should have spoken to him, before now. Her declaring he is neglecting them is not on and confronting him is not on.

If the kids are happy, so what? This term is long, Christmas is coming with plenty going on. Having chilled weekends is not the end of the world.

And I am pretty sure he knows she was judging him and probably has since she was there and thought it was best to avoid her.

Op you asked if people really spend only two hours a day with their kids ....frankly yes! I'm busy and on weekends I need a rest! I've taught them to entertain themselves in general. J read a story....maybe draw with them but play with them and their bloody shopkins? NO.

Your Dh took them out its fine,