Huge row in our household. Wibu?

[Bogeybrains]

My mum is staying with us at the moment. She's staying for 6 months while she's having some work done to her house.

I have to work every weekend for childcare reasons so DH looks after the DC ages 7 and 5. I have said quite a few times that DH does not seem to do much with them and have confronted him. He will take them to the cinema only if I think to buy tickets the night before, he might take them to the park for an hour. He takes them to his mother's and leaves them there for 3 hours every Saturday afternoon. Apart from that, most weekends they don't seem to do much at all DC don't seem unhappy because they just get to play all weekend but I have long suspected that are just playing on their kindles all day.

My DM has been here for 3 weeks. She has made a few comments about DH just being on his phone all the time and not doing much with them. Today I came home from work at 7pm and when I went to speak to her, she just burst into tears. She said DH stayed in bed until 10 am and they were helping themselves to snacks from the fridge when she came through. She said he then took them out for an hour to look at planes. Came home. Put the telly on for the kids and went to bed. She said he got up for 1 hour to ask if anyone wanted lunch then went back to the bedroom and played on his phone for the rest of the day. She said he didn't play with them once and barely spoke to them. DH overheard us and came in. She accused him of neglecting his children. He's now sulking in the living room, saying she is judgmental and a stirrer. He says he has had a hard week, has a cold and he needed a lazy day but as I said he does not seem to do much with them any weekend. She is in her room crying her eyes out saying our dc are lovely children and it is breaking her heart. I'm kind of in the middle. Neglect seems too harsh but i'm leaning more towards DM - he needs kicking up the arse right?

It's impossible to judge what your DH's parenting is usually like because he doesn't usually have your MIL there so him being in one room whilst your MIL was in a different room with the DCs does not mean he is neglecting them.

We usually have a mix of busy weekends and lazy weekends. I used to be quite uptight about doing stuff all the time whereas DH is more laidback. I now try to have more balance so we may have a weekend where we go on a day trip, visit some friends. Then the next weekend, we stay at home, watch TV, play an occasional game.

This should not have been a huge row. Your DH is not neglectful. Your DCs are fed, taken out (presumably washed and dressed). Your DM is a massive stirrer. You need to speak to your DM about this and she needs to back off or she needs to find somewhere else to stay.

It's normal to have a lazy weekend when run down however he can be lazy and be with the kids. If he's doing this every weekend, it's rubbish.

However I would have expected your mum to be 1/4 responsible for the kids if she's staying with you. Why didn't she make breakfast for them?

If I was your DH and I saw the MIL reacting like this I'd be telling her to stay somewhere else.

To be happy honest if my mil was sat judging me (as she so blatantly has been doing for the past two weeks according to your post) then I would probably fuck off to my room and leave her to it if she wants to do a better job.

She sounds like a rude, judgemental pita! And to be fair you don't sound much better, if you have issues with your dh parenting then speak to him about it, agree together a way forward that you are both happy with-you know work it out together, like a partnership but to gang up on him with your mother who sounds like a first class shit stirrer is bang out of order by doing that you have allowed your mother to undermine him as parent and as a husband.

Nobody is a 100% perfect parent 100% of the time, nobody! I see no issue with not planning things to do all weekend, in allowing the kids time to play or chill out nor do I see any issue with the children visiting their other grandma for 3 hours each week-maybe your husband uses that time to do errands, tidy up or maybe he just uses it as time to relax or maybe he prefers leaving the kids with his mum rather than staying himself as his mum does his heading and he doesn't want to stay-either way none of that is neglectful. He does do things with the children-just not to the extent that you want.

The being on the phone all the time/ignoring the children in favour of it is an issue and one which should be addressed between the two of you. But if my mother ever behaved as yours has towards my partner she'd be given the short thrift and told to wind her neck in and the fact that you have sided with her against your husband is wrong, even if you agreed with her she has no right to insert herself into your relationship and carry on in the way she has and if that was my in law they'd be finding somewhere else to stay for 6 months as she's shown how little she respects him.

I think it might be a good idea if you organised some more activities for your dc, preferably during the week, after school, so that they experienced some structure and you would then feel a bit better about their weekends being more relaxed. My dc does about 3 activities per week, 2 after school and one on the weekend.

I think your dh shouldn't be on his phone all day, not engaging with them. That said, taking them to look at planes and out to visit grandma are perfectly acceptable activity levels. Quiet weekends are nice and if your dc are happy, then there is no problem.

Your mum needs to calm the fuck down. If my mil pulled this over emotional shit, she would be turfed out of my house, not allowed to stay for 6 months.

Not sure where the happy came from in the first sentence...its to be hinest

I don't know if it is a real issue or not but OP suspects it is every weekend and DH has been caught out...it is an issue if the DC are 'neglected' but being left to own devices isn't necessarily neglect. The histrionics would make me

How many of us were 'neglected' as children. My weekends as a child were along the lines of Saturday morning catch bus into town with my mother to do shopping, get home and sit reading until lunch, after lunch out playing until tea, after tea TV until bed. Sunday morning read until lunch time then after dinner out to play in the garden. Only occasionally would we go for a walk/bike ride (maybe once or twice a year...hence why it is memorable) During winter months board games after tea on Sunday for an hour. Once I got to around 10 years old there was even less adult input, I went out on my bike on my own for most of the day if it was nice.

My own DC had more interaction but we didn't fill the day with activities. We did go 'places' more...walks on beaches etc though
Children now do have their electronic devices but that is the only thing I would say is different for a lot of kids today.

I am just trying to imagine people's response if the op posted

'Dh works weekends and keeps saying I don't do a lot at weekends with the kids.

Honestly I don't do loads, I work during the and so like to chill out. I do take them out for an hour here and there and they go to my mums for a few hours.

Generally it's spent chilling out at home, often the kids doing their own thing.

Today I wasn't well and didn't get up til 10. Kids were fine, had for breakfast and we're playing. I got them ready took them out to watch planes and brought them back. I felt pretty rough so went back to bed.

They knew where I was I they needed me. Also mil is staying with us for 6 months and she was around.

I got up and made lunch and then went back to bed, still feeling unwell.

When dh got home I over heard mil crying, when I went in she accused me of neglect and generally being a shit parent. She is now in her bedroom crying her heart out loud enough that we can hear her.

I am quite upset, dh knows she is judgmental and a pita and even says so himself but still thinks it's ok for her to judge my parenting while we do her a favour and let her stay with us, as she is haven't building work. It's clear he agrees I should do much more on weekends.

Aibu to be upset and not want her here anymore?'

No, having an additional adult in the house judging and bursting into tears is shit. And needs dealing with.

But you also need to talk to DH honestly about what he does at weekends. Is this weekend more lazy than normal?
If so, why? Is it because he assumed that with feeling ill and with another adult in the house he was ok to chill? Fine, but then he really should have mentioned it to the other adult. The principle here is: they are your kids, you are in charge unless you specifically ask someone else.
Or is it because he was ill and figured they'd be fine with minimal input and even a short outing? Fine. Most people do this when they feel crap.

Or is this standard for every weekend? And if so, what are the kids actually doing?
If they are playing with toys then great, whether with input from him or not. Although even then, if your kids are talking you listen.
But if they are spending the entire time attached to screens of their own then I don't think it's ok.

Lazy weekends, filled with screen time, are ok once in a while.
Lazy weekends, with limited screen time, but with lots of toys/drawing etc done mainly under their own steam and minimal intereference. Fine.
Every weekend spent playing on a computer. Not fine. in that case, I'd expect a parent (me or DH, whoever was home) to be saying "Right kids. You've been playing that game for an hour now, time to put that away and we'll go for a walk/get out a board game/I'll set up your farm or trains for you."

You need to talk to him, without anger, and find out.

I know feckitall. My memories of the weekends as a kid are getting up, making myself breakfast, and watching lots of TV, with Nan coming on a Sunday for lunch. Punctuated by the occasional day trip to the seaside. I don't consider myself to be neglected as a child.

I also had a cold yesterday. I dragged myself out of bed (she's a toddler, so I can't stay in bed) and put cartoons while I came to. The rest of the morning was spend lazing around while she played looking out the window and hoping none of the trees would be blown down. We went out briefly to go to a Christmas fete, then watched the Polar Express for the rest of the afternoon.

As the more relaxed - and working - parent myself, it's extremely irritating to be judged for not making enough effort when you're knackered from work, have done some activities with your child (even if judged as not enough), and if you believe children need to learn to entertain themselves occasionally.

This is giving me goosebumps. Your mother sounds just like mine. If you search, I had a long thread 3 years ago under another name called My mother hates my husband. My mother behaved exactly like yours. Long story short we are not now in contact at all.
Maybe your husband is lazy, I don't know. Maybe he's normal. But it's certainly not something your mum should be crying in her room about. She is shit stirring massively. Do you think DH is a bad parent or just doesn't do things they way you would?
Your mum needs to stay somewhere else and you need to have a good long think about how she interferes in your marriage.

When I was younger I don't really remember going out on the weekends too much. Saturday morning would be homework, playing outside, proper meal at dinner time, then watching footie in afternoon. Sunday a quick visit to grandparents who live 5 mins away, Sunday roast and relaxing the rest of the day. I absolutely loved it! This is what my parents still do, and I do too! I hate being dragged around at the weekend, I spend all week out of the house.

Ridiculous emotive language and histrionics from your mother "crying her eyes out" "broken hearted-hearted" SERIOUSLY? That's exactly what mine did and it's out of order, it's manipulative and controlling and shit stirring. If she thinks he's being crap, why didn't she say something to him, why come running to you? Because she's shit stirring.

I can see where other posters are coming from but tbh I think the op is upset because her mother confirmed exactly what she has been worrying about.

She fears that her DH isn't interested in spending time with their children and the mother has confirmed that fear. The issue wasn't about the one weekend when he was feeling unwell - it was about her suspicion that the weekend was typical.

I also think the child with asd playing/swimming probably factors into the mothers reaction too.
I am perfectly accepting of DS2s obsessions but watching him spend a day utterly disengaged from everything and everyone around him does still break my heart. It just does.

So yes, probably the mother is a cow and interfering and dramatic. All right I'm sure.
But the op doesn't sound like a ninny. I think the DHs disinterest is upsetting her. Which, for all the loving parents taking a day off saying 'so what' , if a parent is genuinely, persistently and regularly avoiding contact with their child , that would really bother me too.
My DHs dad was like that. It was awful. DH grew up well aware that his dad was counting the hours until he went to bed.

So the op probably knows the truth of it. I just doubt it's the mother creating a problem where there isn't one - regardless of her being (apparently) a bit of a cow who handled it really,nreally badly.

stimming not swimming.

Maybe he is crap, but the mother should not be interfering and certainly not in this ridiculous shit stirring way.

OP what would you do if your dh said he was no longer comfortable having your mum stay for 6 months?

I think the mother should stay elsewhere and wind her fucking neck in and the OP should have a calm talk to DH about what they both think acceptable parenting is and agree what will happen at weekends.

Our childhoods were completely different
Yes I watched tv on the weekend mornings but then
Kids tv finished and the tv went off. It wouldn't go back on again unless there was a teatime drama or film. No my parents didn't entertain me all day but I read books, drew pictures and made stuff. I didn't have a tablet to play on for hours on end. Sure my parents were busy but they were still engaged in the real world not in bed on smartphones. Does anyone really think it's ok to leave kids unattended for hours on end and for them to spend entire days playing on tablets with no adult interaction or supervision? So much projection and defensiveness on this thread.

I think a lot of it is that if you are working you are out of the house during the week and you want to chill in your own space at the weekend. My DH works from home and is relentlessly OUT of the house at weekends it does my head in a bit tbh. Children need to have time to read and entertain themselves is my opinion rather than being hothoused and entertained all the time. That isn't neglect its a different approach to parenting.

Few of us are perfect parents tbh maybe dh could have written this about me yesterday as I shock horror spent some time reading.

I do think it could be taking its toll of he's working all week and then sole carer at the weekends. That's pretty tough. Do you just work the weekends? You say for childcare reasons, is that set in stone or can you revisit, see if you can work different days eg school hours? Just generally, if he's at work Mon-Fri and you're off working Sat and Sun, there's not much time for the 4 of you to spend time all together.
I'm not sure you can call him lazy if he's working full time and then sole weekend carer. And poorly too. That's pretty full on.

OP you don't get to be impartial in this. You can't be Switzerland. That's just not an option for you.

You either pick your DH or your DM to back and quite frankly if you pick your DM on this one, then if I were your DH I'd seriously be considering the state of the relationship.

Yes I'm sure your DH could do more, but your DM is a guest in your household. Why were the DCs scrambling for goodies at 10.00am in her presence? Is she like Karen and Clive on The Apprentice where she stands to the side with a clipboard noticing your DH's many failings?

I think if you back up your DH on this then you're in a much better position to have a calm talk about him at some other time about what is going on at the weekend. It must be hard working F/T and then never getting a lie in at the weekend - and before all the single parents etc wade in I don't mean because he's a man or whatever I know I'd find it hard. That's not to say I'm saying he's a great parent - it does sound like he could be better, but as I say at this particular moment you don't have the option of backing two horses.

Then you need to talk to your DM and tell her that she cannot put you or DH in that position again. She is a guest in your household and unless she says the DCs in danger or not being fed or illnesses attended to then she needs to keep her opinion to herself. You could also suggest that it would be a nice gesture if she gets up at least one weekend morning to look after the DCs so that DH could have a lie in.

Enjo is right. All this crap about him needing to do more with them...that is a matter of opinion...NOT a fact.

I also read it as being judgy on her part in relation to your general domestic arrangements. Tbh I can't see how you can have a happy household if either you or dh are always at work.