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AIBU?

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Original poster

Huge row in our household. Wibu?

277 replies

Bogeybrains · 05/12/2015 23:10

My mum is staying with us at the moment. She's staying for 6 months while she's having some work done to her house.

I have to work every weekend for childcare reasons so DH looks after the DC ages 7 and 5. I have said quite a few times that DH does not seem to do much with them and have confronted him. He will take them to the cinema only if I think to buy tickets the night before, he might take them to the park for an hour. He takes them to his mother's and leaves them there for 3 hours every Saturday afternoon. Apart from that, most weekends they don't seem to do much at all Sad DC don't seem unhappy because they just get to play all weekend but I have long suspected that are just playing on their kindles all day.

My DM has been here for 3 weeks. She has made a few comments about DH just being on his phone all the time and not doing much with them. Today I came home from work at 7pm and when I went to speak to her, she just burst into tears. She said DH stayed in bed until 10 am and they were helping themselves to snacks from the fridge when she came through. She said he then took them out for an hour to look at planes. Came home. Put the telly on for the kids and went to bed. She said he got up for 1 hour to ask if anyone wanted lunch then went back to the bedroom and played on his phone for the rest of the day. She said he didn't play with them once and barely spoke to them. DH overheard us and came in. She accused him of neglecting his children. He's now sulking in the living room, saying she is judgmental and a stirrer. He says he has had a hard week, has a cold and he needed a lazy day but as I said he does not seem to do much with them any weekend. She is in her room crying her eyes out saying our dc are lovely children and it is breaking her heart. I'm kind of in the middle. Neglect seems too harsh but i'm leaning more towards DM - he needs kicking up the arse right?

OP posts:
diddl · 06/12/2015 18:03

I've just looked back at the OP.

She accused him of neglect?

She'd be out on her arse for that.

GoodtoBetter · 06/12/2015 18:30

If the OP's mother is anything like mine then anything other than total pandering to her by the OP (and therefore colluding in the idea that Dh is a shit parent and that it's right for the MIL to interfere) will result in the MIL going totally batshit.

Sansoora · 06/12/2015 18:32

All these people who think that having an in law to live with them must mean its hell on earth and that people are saints for going alone with it.

You know, it really is possible to live with extended family and for it to be the norm, for it to be very ok, and for everyone under the same roof to be happy.

GoodtoBetter · 06/12/2015 18:38

Depends a bit on the in-law I would say....

BadLad · 06/12/2015 18:41

You know, it really is possible to live with extended family and for it to be the norm, for it to be very ok, and for everyone under the same roof to be happy.

I live mine, and we get on brilliantly.

However, there are no kids involved, and we have our own part of the house, where DW and I can have privacy. Without that I think I'd go completely mad, especially if MiL was passing derogatory comment on everything I did.

I always thought I was unusual in living with in-laws and liking it.

MrsDeVere · 06/12/2015 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sansoora · 06/12/2015 19:15

I get you Mrs DeVere, but perhaps what the granny saw was enough to drive anyone to tears.

Enjolrass · 06/12/2015 19:23

Really what the OP described could drive anyone to tears?

We have lived with my mum. It was actually good. However she didn't behave like the Ops mum or accuse dh of neglect

Sansoora · 06/12/2015 19:27

Enjo, maybe he's not neglectful.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 06/12/2015 19:27

She is in her room crying her eyes out saying our dc are lovely children and it is breaking her heart. Bursting into tears doesnt come out of the blue for any normal person. There's a lead up.

During the lead up, why didnt the grandmother say something quietly and tactfully to her daughter? why go to her room "crying her eyes out saying our dc are lovely children and it is breaking her heart." The way to resolve this reasonably is by -talking-.

assuming there is some justification to the view that DH is lazy and not involved enough, then that has to be tackled. But grandmother is approaching this in a very anti-productive way.

fish and guests stink after 3 days. Not always true; but guests who force their opinion on you do stink in a short time. It's also unwise to interfere unasked in someone else's marriage, no matter who you are.

If the husband really is lazy, then it needs sorting. But Grandmother being there and bursting into tears and accusing him of neglect is really going to be actively damaging here. Its easy to see why DH (even if at fault to some degree) is saying she's a shit stirrer.

Besides, it's a little exasperating to see otherwise well-loved, well-fed, well-clothed children accused of being 'neglected'. It's a pretty damn strong word.

BoneyBackJefferson · 06/12/2015 19:28

Sansoora

"but perhaps what the granny saw was enough to drive anyone to tears."

what exactly that the OP has posted would drive someone to tears?

SavoyCabbage · 06/12/2015 19:35

Mine haven't crossed the doors this weekend. I've been out for a lightbulb. Dd (9) has sanded down a wall. The older one has read and drawn pictures.

Not everything you do can be child centric. Nor should it be I don't think. We aren't on holiday.

Enjolrass · 06/12/2015 19:51

Enjo, maybe he's not neglectful.

Was it that you are insinuating?

EveryoneAnon · 06/12/2015 20:02

I wonder if the issue is that the weekend was spent on technology? I'm currently burdened by my children's use of technology.

I'm a great believer in kids learning to entertain themselves, but by that I mean an actual self-organised activity; play, reading, exercise or creativity. But not technology all weekend.

Every article I read saying that children never remember their childhood by the video games they "won" or the countless TV episodes they watched. The need the occasional input from an adult who listens with ears as well as eyes. From that point of view I see your concerns.

SSargassoSea · 06/12/2015 20:20

I don't think he should be in the bedroom whilst DCs in living room. But is he in Bedroom because DMIL is there.

He should also take DCs to something sporty, then he can sit in the audience on his tech but they are getting some exercise/fun.

Does he need reminding that they will be independent and playing with their mates in a few years. Then left home and he can tech all he wants.

Also they love him and want his time. He is missing an opportunity.

AgentZigzag · 06/12/2015 20:23

'Every article I read saying that children never remember their childhood by the video games they "won" or the countless TV episodes they watched'

There are tons of people posting online (threads on here, generally on the net and even ones that have a forum to themselves) about the video games and children's TV they used to play/watch.

I've never seen anyone saying children don't remember it as adults because it's usually one of the largely positive things that most DC do remember.

CandyCaneCottage · 06/12/2015 21:06

In my 20s I remember fondly games of the electronic/board/ball/ other games from my childhood

SettlinginNicely · 07/12/2015 08:03

I agree, I remember the TV shows that we used to watch as kids. I am not saying it's a wonderful thing to "plug kids into the electronic babysitter," but I think the hand wringing over it is overblown. As long as the content is appropriate, and the screen time isn't because the children have been totally abandoned, I wouldn't sweat it. (The husband did take the children out in the morning, did check on them, did feed them. It wasn't a red letter, quality time sort of day, but to call it neglect makes a mockery of real neglect.)

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 07/12/2015 08:49

I do fondly remember the programmes I watched and the times I spent playing either in or out of the house, alone or with friends, but as far as my relationship with my parents go, I only had a good one with my Mum. Looking back, she would show interest in what I was doing, and would take me places (great memories!), but Dad never did. I think I was happy at the time, but when I turned adult and started to think about him/me (esp. during counselling) I really resented his lack of 1:1 time and interest. Why have me if he's just going to go into another room and do his own thing, or hide behind the newspaper?! At least OP's DH took them to watch the planes, which is more than mine ever did. But I do think he needs to be mindful of shutting himself away, either mentally or physically, if it becomes habit.

Damselindestress · 07/12/2015 09:50

I think you have 2 seperate issues here and you need to divide and conquer.

  1. Your mum staying with you isn't working out. She has a history of interfering and is causing drama after only 3 weeks, it will get worse. Your DH has a right to feel comfortable in his own home. Imagine how you would feel if the situation was reversed and you were expected to share your home with a MIL who was critical of your parenting for 6 months. She needs to find alternative accommodation.
  1. You want your DH to be more present for the DC. There is a difference between having a lazy day and hiding away playing on his phone or ignoring them when they try to talk to him and the latter needs to be addressed. You will be able to discuss this more easily without your mum interfering.
Hissy · 22/12/2015 15:14

How are things going OP? Any news?

Blueandwhitelover · 22/12/2015 19:22

I was wondering how you were all getting on too

Ethylred · 22/12/2015 20:44

Your mother sounds like the MIL from hell.

VimFuego101 · 22/12/2015 21:19

I agree your DH sounds a little disengaged (it really depends whether the circumstances of the weekend were typical or a one off since he was sick), but tbh I think your mother is more at fault here. I'd be furious and hurt too if MIL was staying with us and criticized my parenting but didn't make any offer of actual help.

MuttonWasAGoose · 22/12/2015 21:49

I don't think he's doing that bad.... he took them out for an hour. He'll go and do something for an hour or two and then they play around the house. It would be nice if they got outdoors a bit more but I suspect that few children play outside much in the winter.

It would be nice if he sorted out the meals a bit more vigorously and it doesn't sound like he's doing much in the way of housework but I don't think he's neglecting the kids.

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