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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Merry Christmas - my ex has halved the maintenance

167 replies

Cutecat78 · 03/12/2015 21:56

We split 9 yrs ago. For that entire time he has paid £300 a month.

He is self employed so I never went to the CSA as when we got divorced he declared he was earning £800 a month

He is remarried and they have two businesses - I suspect both in his wife's name and one of his businesses he can be paid in cash - often.

DS is 18 and has left school and has a job and pays his way.

DD is 16 and ex has this month halved the maintenance to £150 a week. Her bus fair and A'level cookery in themselves cost me £30 a week.

What can I do (if anything) I know if I take him to the CSA I am pretty sure he is paying me in line with what he is declaring tax wise.

He went on four two week foriegn holidays last year - it makes me so

Is there anything I can do?

OP posts:

SweetAdeline · 04/12/2015 13:06

Yes put when the DC isn't there there is no reason for the other parent to contribute.

ricketytickety · 04/12/2015 13:19

You're right, you shouldn't feel lucky that he gives you some money. It is your children's right to be maintained by both parents.

The law is not good enough when it comes to this. That's what needs to change. It's fine if the nrp is normal and want to contribute, but not when they are selfish/sociopathic/abusive. There really should be some sort of recognition that this happens to many many many children.

Why is the system helping these feckless people to screw over their own children? Because children in this country have shit rights and their parents always seem to come first.

So, YANBU op but you are up against a shitty system that relies on goodwill that is missing in some people to give their child what is rightfully theirs.

TonySopranosVest · 04/12/2015 13:37

Some really backward attitudes on this thread and I guess I should be surprised, but sadly I'm not.

Anyone saying that the OP should count herself lucky should be ashamed that they a) thought that and b) wrote that down where it could be read by human eyes. It's embarrassingly awful.

josephwrightofderby · 04/12/2015 13:51

I think there are two questions here, and they are very, very different. The first is: what are you entitled to legally? The second is: what are you entitled to morally?

It's more than clear to me that £150 is not going to be anything close to half the cost of raising a teenager. And all of those women who are in a similar boat deserve SO much more than this. Why are mothers considered to be more responsible - financially, emotionally, in practical terms of sheer work - for raising a child than fathers? It really makes me angry. If you conceive a child with someone, you should pay half of the costs for all necessary things that child needs.

M48294Y · 04/12/2015 14:00

at this thread

Egosumquisum · 04/12/2015 14:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

starry0ne · 04/12/2015 14:34

I haven't read all 7 pages but as a LP who gets £5 a week..I still don't understand why anyone thinks £150 is half the cost of raising a child.

I sadly think though you will not get far with CMS as I dout he declares most his earnings.

josephwrightofderby · 04/12/2015 14:42

ego - if only all parents were like you.

Egosumquisum · 04/12/2015 15:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YohY · 04/12/2015 15:10

Cutecat78 100% behind you
It also makes me so angry when I read stories like these

MascaraAndConverse89 · 04/12/2015 15:31

As I did say upthread though, once new partners etc come into lives, things just get more complicated with what is fair.

It doesn't have to be complicated though. If people didn't focus on what their ex's partner is earning or how well off they are (on either side) then there would be no need to mention them!

As a partner of an NRP, why should my income make DH's maintenance payments go up? Yes, my earnings mean that I contribute towards household bills/rent/etc.. which means that DH doesn't have to pay as much as he would if I wasn't here, but then I'm not here to subsidise him paying extra maintenance. I work for our household to have a better lifestyle than if I didn't work. I dislike my job and granted I only work part time, but I don't do it for nothing. If me working meant that DH pays more in maintenance then that means it pointless me working as we wouldn't be any or much better off!

I don't begrudge him paying maintenance or for things on top of that from his own earnings, but it would become extremely unfair if my income was to mean he has to pay more! Hence why it should and is disregarded.

I can only speak as a partner of an NRP. But his ex has a partner too. He's the partner of the RP and he also like me works. I bet her partner would be equally put out if DH's maintenance payment went down because her partner works, meaning he should subsidise DSS's costs because the maintenance has gone down because of his income.

Cabrinha · 04/12/2015 15:33

It sounds like you can cope if you have to without the £150 and you're less than 2 years away from losing it anyway, when daughter is 18.

If that's true, I would go double or quite: CMS.

He may be hiding income through his wife, but not all of it as I expect he wants to use his personal tax allowance.

bedraggledmumoftwo · 04/12/2015 17:56

Op, how much do you think you would get if he told the truth about his earnings? From the holidays it sounds like he could be earning a lot but like you say he could be hiding it. So the question is, say your DD has another 18 months at 150- that is £2700. Total future payments. Or less if you take him to cms and he convinces them he's broke. So the
Question is whether the potential amount he could have to pay is sufficiently high to risk the current amount. Bird in the hand and all that. Although with the new car and holidays to the Maldives it sounds like he could potentially be earning a packet so maybe worth a try.

43percentburnt · 04/12/2015 20:02

www.gov.uk/get-information-about-a-company

If he runs a ltd company you can see information, such as who the directors are, for free.

It says there is a charge to obtain a copy of the accounts. I don't know how detailed they will be, but detailed accounts show directors r enumeration plus dividends. If you can get a copy of the accounts and you know who owns what percentage of the company, you will get an idea of what he is declaring he earns.

Use this info to decide if a call to hmrc and cms is worthwhile.

If you accept the £150 make sure you screen shot any Facebook holiday pics, new vehicles etc etc as hmrc will still be interested when your dd turns 18 and maintenance stops.

The maintenance service in this country is dire. Im surprised the government don't want to solve the issue by looking at other country's systems to help reduce child poverty.

43percentburnt · 04/12/2015 20:03

Remuneration

Rebecca2014 · 04/12/2015 20:19

He is self employed so if you went CMS you properly end up with less money. Just suck it up and work out your finances

QueenStromba · 05/12/2015 08:42

You can actually see a lot of company documents for free using beta.companieshouse.gov.uk/help/welcome - you'd be able to see who officially owns the companies at the very least.

I'm really sorry you've been getting a hard time OP - the fact that some NRPs pay no money toward their children does not excuse those who pay paltry sums when they could afford a lot more.

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