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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Merry Christmas - my ex has halved the maintenance

167 replies

Cutecat78 · 03/12/2015 21:56

We split 9 yrs ago. For that entire time he has paid £300 a month.

He is self employed so I never went to the CSA as when we got divorced he declared he was earning £800 a month Hmm

He is remarried and they have two businesses - I suspect both in his wife's name and one of his businesses he can be paid in cash - often.

DS is 18 and has left school and has a job and pays his way.

DD is 16 and ex has this month halved the maintenance to £150 a week. Her bus fair and A'level cookery in themselves cost me £30 a week.

What can I do (if anything) I know if I take him to the CSA I am pretty sure he is paying me in line with what he is declaring tax wise.

He went on four two week foriegn holidays last year - it makes me so Angry

Is there anything I can do?

OP posts:
LaLyra · 03/12/2015 22:56

It doesn't actually matter how much the OP earns when it comes to maintenance. Why should the fact that she has a good job, or (as is the case in some cases where the family isn't entitled to tax credits) because her new partner has a good job mean the child's father can just not bother contributing in relation to his income?

If you do decide to go to CMS don't give him any prior warning, or chance to lower his wages or anything. It'll be harder with him being self employed, but only you can decide if it's worth the risk of him refusing to pay at all.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 03/12/2015 22:56

I didn't mean I spend 2/3 on DD I mean I have to have a house to accomadate everyone, council tax, electric, gas, clothes, bus fares, car, diesel, etc etc etc which goes on all the kids.

Obvs DS now pays me but he should not be subsidising his sister because his his dad is a tight bastard?

OP posts:
Original poster
Cutecat78 · 03/12/2015 22:58

What is CMS?

OP posts:
Seeyounearertime · 03/12/2015 22:59

childmaintenanceservice.direct.gov.uk

Child maintenance service

coffeeisnectar · 03/12/2015 22:59

Is this about the children's welfare or about being bitter that 9 years on he seems to have a better life?

Maybe his dp got left money in a will which paid for the holidays? I still don't understand how you are spending 2/3 of your income directly on your dd? What are you buying/paying for which is taking up such a huge chunk of your income?

landrover · 03/12/2015 23:00

Your child could move in with your exH?

coffeeisnectar · 03/12/2015 23:01

X post. But doesn't your ex need to provide rooms for the dc? It's not down to him to pay your house bills.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 03/12/2015 23:03

Well I left him and have never regretted it so no - I am not bitter.

I do however expect him to be a proper father which he never has been and support his children to the best of his ability which he has not.

And no - there has been no windfall.

OP posts:
bessiebumptious2 · 03/12/2015 23:04

Council tax doesn't cost any more because your DS is now 18 (unless you're on a 25% single person's deduction?).

You need to heat and light your house anyway and presumably you need a car for work. Blimey - I wish I'd known that someone else pays for all this stuff - I'd've had kids!!

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 03/12/2015 23:04

The father of the children is expected to contribute to living accomadation suitable to the amount of children resident.

OP posts:
hampsterdam · 03/12/2015 23:04

Child benefit is 21 a week for first child and 13 for second. Not 30.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 03/12/2015 23:05

I could live in a one bedroom flat and the council tax, electric etc would be much cheaper - but where would the kids sleep?

OP posts:
bessiebumptious2 · 03/12/2015 23:05

But he IS contributing! And now only needs to contribute for ONE child, because the other is a working adult.

So you only need a 2 bedroom house then.

Egosumquisum · 03/12/2015 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MummyZELC · 03/12/2015 23:06

Unfortunately OP there isn't much you can do, he isn't standing up as a responsible father to your kids and you just have to be happy with the fact that you are being a good mum and providing for your children. It's a sad sorry situation but sounds to me like your kids are already making up their own mind about their pathetic father Confused

Egosumquisum · 03/12/2015 23:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Seeyounearertime · 03/12/2015 23:08

I'm not sure DD would qualify for Maintenance payments through CMS?

Don't quote me but if she's working 2 PT jobs and studying A Level cookery (as she needs ingredients etc) I don't think she'd qualify?

Child maintenance payments usually stop when the child reaches 16 (or 20 if they’re in full-time education not higher than A-level or equivalent). But there are some situations in which they’ll stop sooner.
From: www.gov.uk/when-child-maintenance-payments-stop

cestlavielife · 03/12/2015 23:10

You have to let go of expecting anything of him. It s pointless.
Call cms set up a claim and hopefully he will have to pay more.

But there is a risk the assessment makes it less. ? If it isn't paye it may be complex.

It is what it is. See if dd can get a bursary for bus fares. But yes if you can't afford it and her dad refuses to support her and cms assesses him as a lower amount then you have to subsidise her or she has to pay her own bus fare.

It s not fair no.

But all you can go is go down the channels .

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 03/12/2015 23:13

He doesn't have any other children...

OP posts:
Egosumquisum · 03/12/2015 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thequickbrownfox · 03/12/2015 23:16

YANBU OP, and your earnings are irrelevant.

The posters here who are baiting OP about her earnings and saying she should be grateful for the maintenance her ex is paying are an absolute disgrace.

PinkSquash · 03/12/2015 23:17

Oh for Christ's sake, why is this man being put on a pedestal because he pays some money for his child- wouldn't he be paying 50/50 for his daughter had he and the OP be together.

OP your ex sounds like a bellend, but you probably know that anyway. It's shit when they can't be a decent parent in any way. It's insulting to be thrown the crumbs and be told to be happy.

Oswin · 03/12/2015 23:18

Well actually yes ego they should pay towards housing costs seeing as he has his child twice a month ffs.
Still can't get over people thinking the op should be grateful, such fuckin low expectations of men.
It's totally acceptable in society for men to see their kind dc twice a month while the mother pays most costs and the father merely contributes.
Then of course when the roles are reversed the man is some sort of hero.

thequickbrownfox · 03/12/2015 23:19

There should be proper provision for the many NRPs who fiddle their earnings to avoid paying the maintenance they are due.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 03/12/2015 23:19

Yes - it is.

OP posts: