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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a lot of people don't understand adoption

160 replies

Kettlesingsatnight · 03/12/2015 08:24

Based on a comment on another thread.

Adoption is not looking after a child for a few years as the birth parents can't.

It isn't fostering.

It isn't easy and it isn't straightforward. You can't rock up to an agency and announce your intention to adopt and get approved just like that.

AIBU to think some comment just are too much? I realise some are made in ignorance not to be mean but I just don't see that as an excuse any more. I'm fed up of it!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 03/12/2015 08:29

A lot of people also see it as a consolation prize for the infertile. 'Just adopt'. It's a child you are talking about here. A human being.

PhoenixReisling · 03/12/2015 08:34

Or you get such corkers such as......

Where are the real parents....

Ermmm here! I'm very real thank you Wink

ofallthenerve · 03/12/2015 08:35

I think I know the thread you mean OP. Did someone say that? Yanbu as I don't know as much as I'd like to re adoption. For example I remember being shocked when a colleague adopted and she was entitled to less leave for adoption than she would have been for maternity. She found that quite hurtful actually.

TeenAndTween · 03/12/2015 08:37

I think you are right.

But people generally don't understand the implications / nuances of things outside their experience.

unlimiteddilutingjuice · 03/12/2015 08:37

I once heard someone complain that "lesbian couples get palmed off with the damaged children" I was Shock and Angry

StrawberryTeaLeaf · 03/12/2015 08:43

What? This is a bit confusing? A TAAT?

MerryInthechelseahotel · 03/12/2015 08:45

I agree op. Another thing I hate is people keep saying how lucky ds is and how he has fallen on his feet Hmm I don't think so! The amount of loss he has suffered in his life is massive.

GreatFuckability · 03/12/2015 08:46

Statutory adoption leave/pay is the same as maternity/leave pay.

SummerNights1986 · 03/12/2015 08:49

I remember being shocked when a colleague adopted and she was entitled to less leave for adoption than she would have been for maternity

The colleague was wrong. Leave entitlement for adoption or maternity leave is the same.

MerryInthechelseahotel · 03/12/2015 08:49

Just based on a comment strawberry not too difficult to understand

ChairoftheBored · 03/12/2015 08:51

I quite agree. I hated hated hated the glibness of the 'just adopt' comments we received when struggling to conceive. It is such a massive decision, and requires careful thought and consideration - it's not a runners up prize for not being able to 'have your own'.

I know friends and family who have adopted. The screening process is intense and invasive - as it should be. These are some of societies most vulnerable children, and they deserve the very best chances that a good adoptive family can give them. They are no one's second prize.

StrawberryTeaLeaf · 03/12/2015 08:51

Well what was the comment? It's not too difficult to understand that this makes little sense to those not in on the TAAT, is it?

That's a long old OP to be based on one comment.

FattyNinjaOwl · 03/12/2015 08:54

Yanbu. What I know about adoption is practically zero, but I would never make comments like "oh, well obviously you love them more than your other children, you actually chose them, your birth children you can't pick" (yes I've actually heard this I was Shock wtf?!"
Or "well at least you got approved for adoption. But it will never be the same as having your own child"

Those comments are so hurtful.
ofall That's awful. No wonder your colleague was hurt. It doesn't matter how you have a child, surely you need just as much time to bond and form a relationship.

FattyNinjaOwl · 03/12/2015 08:56

Ah, slow typing, I see it is the same for maternity amd adoption leave

StrawberryTeaLeaf · 03/12/2015 08:57

Wouldn't this be better dealt with on the original thread?

We have an SGO and adoption in our family, so I'm not without sympathy, but for all readers of this thread know, someone just said something clumsy about the importance of knowing about your genetic roots as an adopted person.

We don't know. OP won't say.

IamTheWhoreofBabylon · 03/12/2015 08:57

There are some awful comments on here about adoption. Not this thread
I once said I adopted because I wanted another child, I have a BC
I was told by a poster that she had loat all respect for adopters if that is why someone would adoptHmm
There are lots of comments along the lines of feeling cannot be as deep or hurts as bad because they are not your biological child
As a parent of both I can honestly say the love and pain are the same

IamTheWhoreofBabylon · 03/12/2015 08:58

By the way
I don't know which thread you are talking about

ofallthenerve · 03/12/2015 09:06

I remember being shocked when a colleague adopted and she was entitled to less leave for adoption than she would have been for maternity

The colleague was wrong. Leave entitlement for adoption or maternity leave is the same.

That's really surprising! She spoke about it at a meeting with lots of people in it and she was very senior management. This was a while ago (maybe 10 years ago).

Enjolrass · 03/12/2015 09:07

I know which thread... Yes it was a stupid thing to say.

I am allowed to say what thread?

I do think people don't understand adoption.

A couple I know have adopted a child that they originally fostered. When they split up, a few years later, another friend asked if the child 'would have to go back' now they weren't together.

There was dead silence!

StrawberryTeaLeaf · 03/12/2015 09:10

It's probably fairer on the poster in question (and on this OP ) if you say than if you don't Enjolrass.

Enjolrass · 03/12/2015 09:14

Thanks strawberry

I did suspect that. Smile

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 03/12/2015 09:14

yeah you can say which thread.

firefly78 · 03/12/2015 09:16

Iamthewhore

that is dreadful. Why on earth would you want to adopt if not because you wanted a child or another child?

those who want to adopt for purely altruistic reasons wouldn't last through the gruelling process and the challenging but ultimately rewarding parenting.

MovemberSucks · 03/12/2015 09:22

I adopted just over 10 years ago and the entitlement to adoption leave had only come in recently before I adopted. Also my company had extra maternity benefit above statutory and they gave that to me, a lot of larger companies found that they couldn't (or wouldn't) give the extra benefits to adoptors because their policy was written as enhanced 'maternity' benefit and not 'maternity or adoption' benefit. So it's possible that ofallthenerve's colleague didn't get any paid adoption leave (if it was about 12 years or more ago), or that she only got the statutory leave.

MovemberSucks · 03/12/2015 09:23

Actually it was a bit longer ago that it changed, I had an adoption that didn't happen about 13 years ago and it was just before that that the law had changed.