To think a lot of people don't understand adoption

[Kettlesingsatnight]

Based on a comment on another thread.

Adoption is not looking after a child for a few years as the birth parents can't.

It isn't fostering.

It isn't easy and it isn't straightforward. You can't rock up to an agency and announce your intention to adopt and get approved just like that.

AIBU to think some comment just are too much? I realise some are made in ignorance not to be mean but I just don't see that as an excuse any more. I'm fed up of it!

This makes fascinating reading! Another adoptee here. I was born in the late 60s and my adoption was finalised when I was just over a year old. My mum and dad are (were ) my parents. I always knew that I was adopted. My life was pretty normal with ups and downs and teenage rows and I know that my parents love/loved me. My dad once had a major argument (general meeting and boycotting involved!) with his golf club (very middle class!) because they wouldn't allow a dad and (adopted) son play in a father, son tournament and he was furious!

I went through the social worker counselling and obtained my adoption file in my mid twenties before I had my own children and found out the basic information of my background.

I would actually like a different word than 'mother' for the woman that gave birth to me. In most societies, the word 'mother' has so many layers of meaning and expectations that it just doesn't apply in my situation (and I'm sure many others). Things have come to light recently (sorry for being cryptic, but incredibly personal and I'm still processing) that shows she was not a 'mother'. What, then, can I refer to her as?

I am 48 with a family of my own and the recent revelations have triggered a bizarre bitterness that I never expected. I almost ceased to function for nearly three weeks!

I agree with Fallulah and I too feel very sorry for adoptive parents these days as they have to parent their children whilst also leaving a door open for 'birth parents' via letters.

At the moment, my feeling is that I would have liked a 'fact file' and medical history of my biological parents. I am not sure how I would have coped with the possibility of an annual letter. I think that adoption should be final

This is definitely interesting reading as an American! From what I understand from other threads, in the UK children are placed with families of the same ethnicity if possible?

I agree OP. I've recently heard someone say that they don't want to ever have children but if the urge suddenly struck them they would "happily adopt". I don't think they understand it isn't an easy process and can take years. Unless of course your first name is Angelina or Madonna!

Ever have biological children that is.

My closest link to adoption is that one of my very good friends has recently adopted her DD.

Some of the insensitive things she's been subjected to have been jaw dropping, but her take on the "have you considered adoption?" question wasn't that people were coming up with a brand new suggestion she hadn't thought of but were actually asking her how she felt about adoption for her.

Depending on who had said it, she felt it was a valid question - mere acquaintances were presumptuous in asking her to share such personal information but people who had supported her on her journey of infertility were different.

Meant to say, for all those sharing your experiences.

FFS drspouse - do you catastrophise everything in life? Can't some of you accept that there are lots of happy adopted children who grow into well-adjusted, contented adults? Or do you prefer the drama of abandonment, rejection and misery?

The reason that letterbox contact is promoted I think is because children tend to be older when they are adopted, and we also can't predict how they will feel
As adults about their birth family so allowing them the option to keep in touch even vaguely seems sensible.
I came across a person recently who did well at school, happy, seemingly well adjusted. They have now made a relationship choice that is almost certainly related to their early experience and attachment needs. It's impossible to determine
How a person will be affected long term by their early experiences so it's not catastrophising to suggest that there may be issues that haven't come to light yet.

Excellent post fallulah My friends Chinese daughter would I am sure agree .She has no interest in going back to China and only mild interest in all the things they kept relating to her adoption.As a mutual friend once said 'She's more -insert name of home counties town -than she is Chinese.A clean break in this circumstance was inevitable and it does make you wonder if iit easier in some ways

HarryDresdensLeatherDuster That is a sad update for you, but I agree your post.
FWIW my child refers to their birth parent by name, and whilst we are compelled to write annually with updates to maintain the relationship no requirement is expected of the birth family.

You may be able to access local post adoption support service to help you process your recent discoveries, if you are still finding them hard. I am very sorry and I dread the years when my children face the emotional conflicts of choosing or not choosing to make or accept contact and all the fallout that may well arise