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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Seriously pissed off about a neighbour who pretended to be poor

150 replies

DyslexicScientist · 02/12/2015 06:50

I found out about this last week, but I'm still pretty pissed off tbh.

There was a retired and widowed man a few doors down from me. He often asked for help for odd jobs here and there, myself and my then partner often dropped what we were doing to help out. No money was ever offered and we didn't expect it to be we were just charitable and happy to help out. We gave him lifts many times, although he had a car if he was going away he didn't want his car left at the station and we assumed with a train fare for a trip he was a bit short. He always gratefully received a hamper of stuff from the harvest festival. I could go on but listing it is annoying me more.

He died and I know someone involved with his estate. I knew he would of been paper rich, but as its just the house i didnt really count it. Now it turns out he had a 6 figure amount in the bank, various stocks and shares and a monthly income greater than me, with no mortgage payments coming out.

I feel very betrayed, he could of easily afforded a Gardner, handyman, taxi, food etc and there are surely people in real need of these services and goods that he got for free and has deprived others.

Aibu to feel pissed off with him?

OP posts:

ApplePaltrow · 03/12/2015 18:34

I don't think you can have it both ways. Either it's charity or it's not. I don't think you're a mean person but I do think that's the cost of doing business.

If you want the warm altruistic glow of adopting random old people, you can't guarantee that they are saints.

NewLife4Me · 03/12/2015 18:42

He must have inadvertently thought you were a nice person and helping out of the goodness of your heart. Not waiting to judge him when he died.
YABVVVVVVVVVVVVVVU.

Fratelli · 03/12/2015 20:52

Oh fgs get a grip. Maybe he enjoyed the company. Maybe he didn't know how much he had. Maybe he thought you were a decent person who wanted to help. Maybe none of that is correct and he just wanted the free help. Either way he's dead now so get over it. I strongly suspect it wouldn't be bothering you if he had left you some money. Yabvu.

Narp · 03/12/2015 20:57

You didn't fix his house up and buy him a boiler, though. I know it is hard to understand why he chose to live like this, but as others have said, maybe he had some mental incapacity which made him not understand the money he had, or be reluctant to spend it. I imagine that might be something akin to hoarding - where there's a sense of security in how he chose to live.

TheGoldenApplesOfTheSun · 03/12/2015 21:27

YANBU. My grandmother is like this - very well-off but doesn't spend anything even to keep up her house in a basic state of repair. Her neighbours do all sorts of little 'jobs' for her and she does take advantage of their goodwill and generosity towards someone they see as a poor old lady. She has always been like this, and since growing older people are far more sympathetic. Some people do use others and being elderly is no good reason for it - just means they have been doing it all their lives. The sad thing is it uses up time and energy that could go towards helping those who are truly in need. All very well saying he may have been lonely and wanted to be friends - why not make the usual overtures of friendship instead of getting you to do all sorts of work for him under the impression he was penniless? Sounds like someone who knew just what he was doing, pleased to get 'bargain' help at home. There probably is some kind of mental problem at root of some of this behaviour but that doesn't make things better for those taken advantage of by it.

ConesOfDunshire · 03/12/2015 21:56

OP, can you really not see that he was lonely?

KERALA1 · 03/12/2015 22:00

How do you know he was lonely? My gps had buzzing social lives well into their 80s whist drives, church, coffees etc etc

mimishimmi · 03/12/2015 22:23

This could be my grandfather. It would be out of loneliness I'd think.

Garlick · 03/12/2015 23:17

I don't see it as a generational thing. It's a skinflint thing. There are people like this of all ages. They use other people's goodwill selfishly, probably seeing kind people as suckers, and make us all a bit more reticent to help than we'd like to be.

YANBU to feel pissed off at all! But don't let him posthumously turn you & DH into miserable gits. There's too many of them around already.

sykadelic · 04/12/2015 02:56

YABU. You're definitely giving off a vibe that you're annoyed because you didn't get a piece of his pie. Maybe he should have bequest something to those "nice neighbours who helped him out"? Good thing he didn't, doesn't sound like you were "nice neighbours" at all, when you would have milked him for money for helping out. Nickel and diming him...

Are you say you wouldn't have helped him at all and once someone has money suddenly they're not worthy of being helped?

You know YABU for being so bothered by this.

Senpai · 04/12/2015 03:04

FIL is like this. He has the money to pay professionals to help him out. He chooses not to, and instead uses his neighbors because he can pay them less or not at all.

If you didn't want to help, you shouldn't have helped. End of.

You chose to, and did a nice thing. If you didn't ask for money for it, then he doesn't owe you anything.

WashingtonIrving · 04/12/2015 04:46

It makes me feel very sad reading this thread. Not least because it highlights the breakdown of families and how many old people now do have to rely on the kindness of strangers as their families are dispersed, or just don't give a shit. I feel sorry for the OP because being old doesn't mean you suddenly become a lovely old buffer who is a joy to have in your life - like my gps and my mum and dad's old neighbour - sometimes you just get more shitty and more demanding and more stingy (and more entitled) as you get old, and leach off the decent people around you who will not let you be alone, because that is what community is about, even if their kids are happy to leave them be.
Equally, there are a lot of older people out there who have no one, who are struggling to manage themselves and their daily life and yes, who prob wouldn't dream of throwing away mouldy cheese because you can just 'cut the mould off dear' and who really do need help and jobs done that they can't pay for. Or that they can but they'd rather have someone they know do who is not frightening and who can stop in for a tea and a chat while they are about it.
on balance OP I think you are BU. Just because I'd like to think your better nature wouldn't stop you from doing the same again, without expectation, of another potentially fragile/poor neighbour.
Sorry. Bit of an essay!

TheNewStatesman · 04/12/2015 05:07

What I find interested is that we have a bunch of people demanding that the OP be INFINITELY CHARITABLE and no strings attached, ever. To everyone. Even people who are wealthier than her.

The old bloke, on the other hand? The funny thing is, I don't see anyone on here suggesting that maybe HE should have participated in all this charity and generosity. Maybe he should have used some of his wealth to help a neighbor or someone else, no?

TheNewStatesman · 04/12/2015 05:07

If I felt lonely, I'd use some of my money to get out and see people.

josephwrightofderby · 04/12/2015 09:51

I think the idea that all older people are lonely is a bit mistaken. Some undoubtedly are - I'm not denying the existence of a big problem, particularly with those who have care needs that restrict their mobility and ability to get out and about.

But some have massive social circles, and really engage in all kinds of ways with a large network.

I also think it's deeply unfair to suggest that the OP was simply after an inheritance. She's made it very clear that she had no expectations in that regard - indeed, she didn't think he had anything to leave so was very much helping out of the goodness of her heart on the assumption that he couldn't afford the assistance any other way. He bothered them for lifts because he didn't want to leave his car at the station (and presumably pay for parking there) when he could easily afford it being wealthier on a monthly income basis than the OP. And - this is what nails it for me - he was taking organised charity (e.g. from the harvest festival) that was presumably intended for older people in need. I wouldn't dream of taking stuff from the food bank if I had plenty of cash to buy food, would you?

gotthemoononastick · 04/12/2015 11:42

I am old.I hate the vulgarity of people discussing money and wills.

Nobody is exempted from becoming a pauper overnight if circumstances change. Older people have often lived this and want to save for Monsoon days,never mind rainy days.Believe me they happen.

Waste,especially of food gives me the Fear.Things like rampant consumerism at Christmas of all times, and 'Black Friday' make me want to be ill.

My dear (young) neighbour often brings us a jug of soup or berries when they go to pick.The contact with them and their little children is worth more than gold .

How awful would it be if they are doing a' spreadsheet' of these 'favours'.

Our weekend and garden clothes look straight out of Oxfam by the way.

HPsauciness · 04/12/2015 11:57

I agree with you, OP, I can see why you would be pissed off.

This man did say he was poor, he said the roof and the boiler were too expensive to fix and you took him at his word.

He was also happy to get a hamper full of free goodies from the church, I try to buy things for Harvest Festival, but it's kind of ironic that I am likely to be far more in debt and have little spare income than this gentleman.

He didn't pay on day trips, even though he knew he had hundreds of thousands in the bank.

If all he wanted was your company, then it would have been fine, but he didn't, he wanted you to do work for free and you did so not just on assumptions, but on his deeds and words that made you think he was very hard up! He could and should have paid for a gardener to cut his hedge, but he preferred you and your partner to do it.

I think everyone going on about company are barking up the wrong tree, he seems mainly to have received services for which he could have paid!

HPsauciness · 04/12/2015 12:01

As for all this 'this is being part of being a neighbour'- really? Usually neighbour threads on MN are full of people who think it's right not to engage with their neighbours beyond the odd polite word and tell anyone who does anything more to police their boundaries! I very much doubt there are people on here who genuinely help their neighbours for free as much as the OP has done whilst working, I don't, I give them the odd lift if I see them in town and pop a Christmas card in once a year!

OP, don't feel bad though, I expect everyone is right that he genuinely liked you and your partner and so perhaps came to ask you to do things that really he could have afforded to have help with, but you have done nothing wrong in this situation, don't feel too bad about it.

absolutelynotfabulous · 04/12/2015 12:57

Do the OP mention feeling deserving of payment? I can't recall that-as I recall she was simply commenting on the fact that the neighbour could have afforded paid help, had he wished to part with his money.

He obviously had no intention of parting with his money, and I can kind of get where the OP is coming from. She did a lot for him. Perhaps she feels he could have offered. He didn't, even though he was loaded.

I have a relative like this. He's not loaded, but has no money worries, having been left a house and spending very little of his money throughout his life. He would rather I drove him around to his various appointments because he doesn't want to pay the going rate for a taxi. He would prefer to get others to do his shopping even though he could easily afford to have it delivered. He's basically used to others running round after him, and takes advantage of their kindness.

yorkshapudding · 04/12/2015 12:59

You say he lived in a "cold and damp house" and his clothes were in poor condition. So, if he was deliberately trying to shaft you, what for?? Any money he might have saved as a result of you doing odd jobs for him clearly wasn't being spent on luxuries or even on the basics really. This suggests that he either had no idea how wealthy he was (he may have had a relative acting on his behalf regarding financial matters or been poor in the past and fearful of going back to that again) or didn't have the capacity to understand that he could use that money to make life more comfortable for himself. Unless you genuinely think that the ragged clothes, cold house and damp conditions were all part of an elaborate ruse to con your DH into doing a bit of gardening.
An elderly relative of mine had undiagnosed dementia for years and, with hindsight, one of the earliest signs seemed to be anxiety about money and a completely irrational fear of being in debt. She wouldnt spend anything and had no clue how much was in her account as she was too scared to check. She had stocks and shares that her sons had sorted out for her but she didn't really understand it all and when they tried to explain she got upset and confused so would refuse to discuss it.

amarmai · 04/12/2015 19:20

we all know takers and we all resent being taken. YANBU op. wonder how many of the pps excoriating you here are takers too?

ApplePaltrow · 05/12/2015 18:10

No one is demanding that the OP be INFINITELY CHARITABLE. Just that if you going to do things, do them for the right reasons. Don't give in order to receive. Really, if the OP wouldn't have given the help if she knew, then next time don't give the help! Or ask for bank details before you mow the lawn or something.

the point is: give freely or don't bother.

josephwrightofderby · 07/12/2015 08:23

That's unfair. The OP didn't give in order to receive. She's made that absolutely clear.

What she resents is that, in a world of limited resources (and personal energy is an resource), her charity was taken up by a man who didn't really need it. I assume that, had she know this, she'd have spent her time, money and energy on another person who did actually need it.

Selfish is selfish, whether the person is 18 or 80.

KERALA1 · 07/12/2015 09:00

Totally agree Joseph spot on.

Damselindestress · 07/12/2015 12:12

It sounds like you were a good friend to him, taking him on trips to national trust properties goes beyond the duties of a concerned neighbour. He must have treasured the time you spent together. It would be such a shame for this issue to sour your memories of him. It really does sound like he was confused about money rather than being deliberately deceptive. It's not like he was secretly living in the lap of luxury, spending money on himself but "pretending to be poor" so you would do him favours for free. He was actually living as if in poverty, with tatty clothes and a broken boiler and roof. I don't like users and my reaction would be completely different if he had a decent quality of life but I genuinely don't think he would choose to live like that just to deceive you, I think he was dealing with bigger issues. You did help someone in need, even if what he was lacking was insight into his situation rather than money.

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