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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Seriously pissed off about a neighbour who pretended to be poor

150 replies

DyslexicScientist · 02/12/2015 06:50

I found out about this last week, but I'm still pretty pissed off tbh.

There was a retired and widowed man a few doors down from me. He often asked for help for odd jobs here and there, myself and my then partner often dropped what we were doing to help out. No money was ever offered and we didn't expect it to be we were just charitable and happy to help out. We gave him lifts many times, although he had a car if he was going away he didn't want his car left at the station and we assumed with a train fare for a trip he was a bit short. He always gratefully received a hamper of stuff from the harvest festival. I could go on but listing it is annoying me more.

He died and I know someone involved with his estate. I knew he would of been paper rich, but as its just the house i didnt really count it. Now it turns out he had a 6 figure amount in the bank, various stocks and shares and a monthly income greater than me, with no mortgage payments coming out.

I feel very betrayed, he could of easily afforded a Gardner, handyman, taxi, food etc and there are surely people in real need of these services and goods that he got for free and has deprived others.

Aibu to feel pissed off with him?

OP posts:
Pollyputhtekettleon · 02/12/2015 07:37

I'd say he was lonely. Also it's difficult to change to the mindset of calling a taxi for simple trips when you haven't lived so luxuriously throughout your life.

YABU. I'm just glad that he had mice neighbours who helped out. It's not like he squandered his 6 figure sum on hookers and cocaine. It's still sitting in the bank so he obviously didn't get the joy out if using his money.

ofallthenerve · 02/12/2015 07:38

YABU OP and quite unkind. I don't know why some people's brains work the way yours seems to. How unpleasant.

Pollyputhtekettleon · 02/12/2015 07:38

Also maybe he thought he'd live longer and need it for nursing home care. A 6 figure sum is not much really if at the lower end.

TheLesserSpottedBee · 02/12/2015 07:45

I think it can just be the older generation and the cost of things.

My friends Mum was a council tenant and was offered the right to buy her house at the maximum discount you could get (this was 15 years ago) she didn't want to despite the monthly mortgage payment being less than her rent. Why? Because she didn't want to "owe" someone money.

My Grandad would complain about the cost of things but lived very comfortably which I am pleased he could. He would be shocked at the cost of a boiler, which to be fair would cost more than he bought his house for, and even though he had the money to pay for it, he would still hesitate.

My parents bought the house I grew up in for £2,700. 3 bed detached!

Gileswithachainsaw · 02/12/2015 07:45

when you do things for people you do them.as a gesture not for some kind of monetary gain.

financial statuses are no one's business. now if he'd taken money from you I'd understand but what things like lifts and odd jobs well that's stuff that you'd assume was just helping an old man.who couldn't do it himself who was probably lonely and enjoyed the company.

maybe he was wary about employing people. watchdog exposed many a firm.who bullied and ripped off many an elderly vulnerable person.

maybe he didn't really know what to do witg all the money and actually found it overwhelming.

Yabu

ghostspirit · 02/12/2015 07:45

why cant people do something kind for someone else with out money coming into it.

BlueJug · 02/12/2015 07:50

Agree with what most people say here. My mum won't pay for anything - she thinks she is poor, she doesn't really understand money any more, she feels that paying people to do your work for you is pretentious and just not what she would do etc etc.

She helped people when she could.

You did a good thing. It wasn't about money, it fosters a caring, strong community that is better for everyone. Good for you that you are that type of person. Forget the money - it is irrelevant.

Bakeoffcake · 02/12/2015 07:50

You say in your OP "a neighbour who pretended to be poor"

How do you know he "pretended"?

KinkyAfro · 02/12/2015 07:54

You sound really unpleasant. You did an elderly man a few favours obviously thinking he wasn't too well off, and now you think you should have been recompensed because you've found out he had money? Are you disappointed he hasn't left any money to you?

PaulAnkaTheDog · 02/12/2015 07:55

Yabu.

laughingatweather · 02/12/2015 07:59

He didn't pretend to be poor - you assumed.

You did some kind things, that makes you a nice person. He didn't take advantage of you, you offered to help out. Now being pissed off because you found out he had money makes you seem less nice.

Penfold007 · 02/12/2015 08:00

Your reaction to this information says more about you than the deceased neighbour and its not very pleasant.

thecatsarecrazy · 02/12/2015 08:03

Maybe he just wanted the company.

Shakey15000 · 02/12/2015 08:03

You can't feel taken advantage of, you offered to help free of charge. I don't get it, if you begrudged doing it then you simply don't do it again surely? Absolutely YABU to be pissed off at him. I wouldn't offer help if I didn't want to do it willingly. In your position I'd have shook my head and smiled affectionally thinking "wily old bugger" Smile

And yes, whoever told you his worth was out of order.

Merguez · 02/12/2015 08:06

YABU.

There's a world of difference between "pretending to be poor" and being naturally thrifty.

AgentProvocateur · 02/12/2015 08:09

Did he "pretend" to be poor or did you judge on appearances? And are you only willing to help poor people? Most people would help their neighbours regardless of their wealth.

yankeecandle4 · 02/12/2015 08:10

I am glad most have said YABU. You assumed the man was poor, helped him out physically but probably he enjoyed your company/sense of community much more than your lifts/hedge cutting etc.

A charitable act is just that; charity. You give without expectation/condition. I would see your point if you were buying him his weekly shop or giving him large sums of money. Those harvest hampers are not for poor people; they are for the elderly, so he was entitled.

Suck it up OP and next time before you do a good deed ask what they have in the bank think twice.

The man is dead. The time/attention you gave him probably meant a lot to him.

Only1scoop · 02/12/2015 08:15

Yabu

But not as much as the idiot going around speaking about this mans estate.

Nosey fuckers

bluebolt · 02/12/2015 08:17

I sort of understand, I knew my elderly neighbour had money and did pretend to be poverty stricken. At the time we had two DC under 3 and just moved in to new house and yet our weekends and my maternity leave was spent doing repairs, doctors appointments, shopping etc. It was time we could not get back, we assumed it was for company at first but she was really using our good nature.

Damselindestress · 02/12/2015 08:24

You don't mention that he actually said he couldn't afford things, for example you assumed that he couldn't afford to leave his car at the station, he didn't actually say that. Maybe he asked for help with odd jobs because he was lonely and wanted the company or was scared of letting strangers in his house, not for financial reasons. You were happy to help and didn't ask for payment so maybe he didn't realise he should pay. It might have been a misunderstanding rather than deliberate deception. At his age he could have been confused about money, as pp pointed out. Or maybe he had been through poverty in the past and was scared to spend.

I'm surprised you are "seriously pissed off" at a dead person about this. You need to let it go, it's not like you can confront him. It sounds like you had a good relationship with him so it would be a shame for this to taint your memories, try and give him the benefit of the doubt and put it down to a misunderstanding. Maybe he asked for help because he enjoyed your company, not because he was taking advantage.

BitOutOfPractice · 02/12/2015 08:26

I can undertand why you're a bit miffed but try and put your Christmas goodwill-to-all-men hat on and let it go. Drop your shoulders. Unclench.

Being pissed off will achieve nothing.

Letting it go and thinking you kindly helped an old man out will definitley do you good.

MorrisZapp · 02/12/2015 08:31

Wills are public record. If the OP wanted, she could read the whole thing and find out to the penny how much he had, and who he left it to.

So there's no need for anybody to be cloak and dagger about it.

SSargassoSea · 02/12/2015 08:36

My DM inherited money but was a stingey as could be - after a lifetime of being careful with money. And she struggled with 'paying' people to do stuff, I think she felt only posh folk did that.

expatinscotland · 02/12/2015 08:43

Being pissed off with a dead person is right up there with teaching a dog to read: utterly pointless.

YABU.

Theoretician · 02/12/2015 08:45

I don't think being unnecessarily careful with money is a generational thing, I think it's more psychological. People have ingrained habits about how they spend. There isn't a day when they suddenly decide they're old, sit down and divide their bank balance by their life expectancy and make a resolution to start spending more. If they would never have considered a taxi when working they're unlikely to start routinely using them in old age.

I know someone who gave away a house, because she thinks she doesn't need the money, but still won't put the heating on properly in winter, because it would cost more than she is in the habit of spending. Even if she won the lottery she wouldn't heat her house properly. She doesn't consider her bank balance when she looks at the meter, she knows how much heating "should" cost, and won't spend more. She's obviously not mean, she gave a house away!

I think this old man was normal with regard to not spending, even if he was irrational. (It's not clear he was irrational, he may have wanted the money for long-term care, may have wanted to leave it to someone, might even have just enjoyed the security of having it, all rational reasons not to spend.)