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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Seriously pissed off about a neighbour who pretended to be poor

150 replies

DyslexicScientist · 02/12/2015 06:50

I found out about this last week, but I'm still pretty pissed off tbh.

There was a retired and widowed man a few doors down from me. He often asked for help for odd jobs here and there, myself and my then partner often dropped what we were doing to help out. No money was ever offered and we didn't expect it to be we were just charitable and happy to help out. We gave him lifts many times, although he had a car if he was going away he didn't want his car left at the station and we assumed with a train fare for a trip he was a bit short. He always gratefully received a hamper of stuff from the harvest festival. I could go on but listing it is annoying me more.

He died and I know someone involved with his estate. I knew he would of been paper rich, but as its just the house i didnt really count it. Now it turns out he had a 6 figure amount in the bank, various stocks and shares and a monthly income greater than me, with no mortgage payments coming out.

I feel very betrayed, he could of easily afforded a Gardner, handyman, taxi, food etc and there are surely people in real need of these services and goods that he got for free and has deprived others.

Aibu to feel pissed off with him?

OP posts:
Doje · 02/12/2015 13:18

Don't be cross. You did a nice thing that meant a lot to him. Regardless of whether he had money or not, he didn't like spending it.

It's agree with others about the post war, generational mind set. My Nan was like this. She was loaded, but tell her you spent more than a fiver on a haircut and she'd be horrified!

toffeeboffin · 02/12/2015 13:24

Yup, this is annoying.

You don't make any money writing cheques though eh?

Shame he couldn't have helped you out a bit more.

dimots · 02/12/2015 13:26

I don't know why people are acting horrified about the supposed breach of confidence concerning the value of the estate. After someone dies this information is a matter of public record. Anyone can ask for it. It isn't confidential.

sparechange · 02/12/2015 13:33

To everyone getting their knickers in a twist about the OP knowing what the neighbour was worth, you do realise that wills and probate are a matter of public record...?

There is a government website that lets you search for them with nothing more than the surname and year of death

probatesearch.service.gov.uk/#wills

Janeymoo50 · 02/12/2015 13:39

It may well be available for public knowledge (after probate has been granted etc, which I assume is the case as opposed to this friend sharing information that is not yet public, probate can take several months), but that doesn't alter why it is any of the business of the OP unless they are simply being bloody nosy. Why does she need to know what her elderly neighour was worth, none of her business.

sparechange · 02/12/2015 13:42

Janey,
It is none of my business what my neighbours paid for their houses, but it doesn't stop me looking up the sold prices on Rightmove!

Janeymoo50 · 02/12/2015 13:45

sparechage, different scenario - that is information of use to you in term of how much your house might now be worth. What benefit is the details of someones estate to a nosy neighbour?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 02/12/2015 13:46

Yes ofc this information is available if you look for it. Am going to sound old-fashioned now - just thought the deceased can't defend himself and the person reporting it has trashed the memory the neighbours had, is all.

KeepOnMoving1 · 02/12/2015 13:49

Have a word with yourself, you are so nasty this man isn't alive. You did a good thing can't you just leave it at that. Starting a post trying to bash a person who has passed away - a new low!
Did it not cross your mind that he was so wealthy but lived the way he did for a reason?

sparechange · 02/12/2015 14:00

janey
i know exactly how much my house is worth.
The rest is just natural curiosity

iwantanewcar · 02/12/2015 14:22

I also know plenty of people who are like this. Very careful with money yet when you tot it up for probate are well off. However they live their lives as they have always done, saving for a rainy day.

Please don't be cross with him. You and your ex partner were kind to him and that says a lot about you and your values. Try to be true to those.

seasidesally · 02/12/2015 14:35

must be a generation thing

my friend's parents live in london,lived in the same house for 60yrs,mortgage paid of yonks ago have £250 k plus in the bank in various accounts (yes my friend has seen the proof what his parent have) and still collect from trolleys the 5p of a litre of petrol tokens

they dont shop at that particular supermarket as its to exspensive

also they refuse to get a new sofa,its a right state and 30yrs old

my friend wants them to spend some of it,travel etc but they just wont

must be a genaration thing

GwynethPaltrowIamNot · 02/12/2015 14:41

So are you saying that had you known his financial situation you would have refused to help ?

How did he deprive anyone of any service or goods ?

amarmai · 02/12/2015 14:42

YANBU op, you were deliberately taken advantage of , as he kept making statements that implied he was poor. He justified it to himself that he was not lying and that if you were gullible/nice enuf to believe he was poor and do all that you did for nothing, it meant he was smarter than you. I am in my 70s and have met several people of this ilk. They are well aware and not nice .

trilbydoll · 02/12/2015 14:49

My grandma was very comfortable, but it took ages for my mum to persuade her to buy a new oven - she kept saying what was the point in spending loads when she might not be around for long to use it! I think if you've spent your life being careful it's difficult to switch your mindset to enjoying the result of your saving.

IamactuallytherealJeff · 02/12/2015 14:50

Maybe he just wanted you to help him so he could ha e company or somebody to talk to.
There could be many reasons.
How awful to think you were helping him because he was poor and not for the simple reason he was another human being that needed help.

Are you normally a person motivated by money?

Are you jealous and bitter he has left money to family etc ??

KERALA1 · 02/12/2015 14:56

Yes, he may have been a poor sweet old man still thinking he is living in wartime Britain along the lines of the many recounted tales on this thread of dear old grannies etc and glad of the company.

Or he could be the elderly version of the really tight people you read about on other threads charging others for petrol and avoiding their rounds despite being loaded. Who is to know?!

KERALA1 · 02/12/2015 14:57

And its one thing being tight with yourself, another taking from others. My sisters in laws are a great combination of super frugal with themselves (snipping vouchers out of magazines, staying in youth hostels etc) but really generous with others. They are very wealthy, all self made.

josephwrightofderby · 02/12/2015 14:59

OP, I think you sound lovely for doing all this! I am a bit Hmm at some of the responses here!

I do think it's kind of 'obtaining help under false pretences' on his part. I would feel exploited if someone had asked me for assistance, and then I'd found out they were actually loaded and just being a cheapskate! The age of the person wouldn't really come into it. (Not quite the same thing, but when I was young and naive I had a friend who was always borrowing money from me and never paying it back on the pretext of needing to pay gas and electricity - actually, he was spending it on records! I did feel betrayed when I found out!).

I am mindful of the fact that there are generational issues with money; however, I still don't think that makes it OK. Presumably the OP could have helped other neighbours in more need had this been clearer.

josephwrightofderby · 02/12/2015 15:01

Meant to add - where I'm from, if someone does a 'job' for you and you can afford to pay them, you pay them! If they are a mate and they won't take cash, you find another way of thanking them (nice bottle of whisky). Isn't that just manners?

KERALA1 · 02/12/2015 15:02

Yes - but not if you are a takey cheapskate - then you just think ha result free labour!

britbat23 · 02/12/2015 15:10

OP, your error was to mistake miserliness for poverty. Nobody stays rich spending their money.

squizita · 02/12/2015 15:24

Did he tell you he was poor or did you just assume?

As PP have said, this.

Plus perhaps he wasn't really after his lawn being cut etc' but contact with his neighbours. A lot of older people find chores a way of chatting/contact, not chores themselves.

KERALA1 · 02/12/2015 15:29

Still op better this way round than some poor old person dying and you realising they were in need and you should have done more..

Original poster
DyslexicScientist · 02/12/2015 16:00

Thanks for some of the compassionate posts here, some of the others I'm very Hmm about. My friend is a professional and only told me once everything had gone through and it was public information.

No he never said "im poor" but he did say the roof is too expensive to fix as is the boiler. We've paid for him on trips to nt places. Now we find out he had assets totalling 7 figures and a monthly disposable income many many multiples higher than mine. When someone is living in a damp, cold house youd assume they don't have the money to fix it.

If he Wanted to spend time with we could of done something nice, rather than spending many weekends us giving free labour.

I see what people are saying about a generational thing, but I can't get over the feeling of being used.

OP posts: