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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Seriously pissed off about a neighbour who pretended to be poor

150 replies

DyslexicScientist · 02/12/2015 06:50

I found out about this last week, but I'm still pretty pissed off tbh.

There was a retired and widowed man a few doors down from me. He often asked for help for odd jobs here and there, myself and my then partner often dropped what we were doing to help out. No money was ever offered and we didn't expect it to be we were just charitable and happy to help out. We gave him lifts many times, although he had a car if he was going away he didn't want his car left at the station and we assumed with a train fare for a trip he was a bit short. He always gratefully received a hamper of stuff from the harvest festival. I could go on but listing it is annoying me more.

He died and I know someone involved with his estate. I knew he would of been paper rich, but as its just the house i didnt really count it. Now it turns out he had a 6 figure amount in the bank, various stocks and shares and a monthly income greater than me, with no mortgage payments coming out.

I feel very betrayed, he could of easily afforded a Gardner, handyman, taxi, food etc and there are surely people in real need of these services and goods that he got for free and has deprived others.

Aibu to feel pissed off with him?

OP posts:
CheesyNachos · 02/12/2015 16:45

You are right OP. Just because he is dead does not mean he was not taking advantage of you. So that must bite a bit. I have been thinking about it since posting above, and I am thinking of a situation we were in a good long while ago now where we were taken advantage of by someone playing the 'poor me card'. We could afford it, but it still irritates me, and raises my blood pressure somewhat!

Truth is I guess we don't know. It could be he was just a bit clueless, it could be he was conniving.

I am sorry it has soured your memories though.

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 02/12/2015 16:48

Op its very common!! I don't he would have duped you deliberately, I have heard these stories so much!

There is a thing called poverty consciousness. NO matter how much money some people have they still think they are poor.

Only1scoop · 02/12/2015 16:55

Oh well op he's not going to 'use' you anymore is he.

Awful

CheesyNachos · 02/12/2015 17:05

It's interesting about 'poverty consciousness'. Maybe that is an issue with my DM. Very poor when growing up. She is now pretty well off and only ever shops in charity shops. Never buys DS a gift unless it is from a charity shop.... jigsaws with bits missing etc. Was thrilled one day when she found a scarf that someone had dropped. Drives me crackers. Only wears clothes from NSPCC etc and says 'Look! Only cost me 50 pence!'.

It is not meanness with her, I always 'got' that. Just thought it was another strange part of her character!

SoupDragon · 02/12/2015 17:14

When I do favours for people, I do them free of any strings or "debt" attached to that person. I do them of my own free will without any care about how much those people are "worth". It makes another person happy' it makes me feel good. [shrug] someday someone may do something nice for me.

hollyisalovelyname · 02/12/2015 17:19

OP ai can see where you are coming from. Your dp was out of work and out if pocket helping this neighbour

KERALA1 · 02/12/2015 17:24

Wow the glows from some of the halos on this thread are dazzling!

NickiFury · 02/12/2015 17:25

You can't get over it even though he's dead? A situation that is as final as it's possible to be. For crying out loud!

Oh and it's could HAVE not could OF. I've never corrected grammar/punctuation/spelling on here before but I find your wallowing in resentment of a dead old man deeply distasteful, so for you I will make an exception.

SoupDragon · 02/12/2015 17:26

Wow the glows from some of the halos on this thread are dazzling!

Don't be ridiculous. It's just common decency.

SoupDragon · 02/12/2015 17:29

Better than being bitter and angry about having helped an old man who is now dead.

KERALA1 · 02/12/2015 17:36

A matter of degree surely. Helping out someone in need - common decency. Giving significant (to you) money and time over the odds - you wouldn't be able to give everyone this much support so you have to, to some extent, ration it to where it's most needed. I can totally see where the op is coming from.

Must be fun sitting there feeling superior to the op though.

Sixweekstowait · 02/12/2015 17:45

I'm another one Shock at some of the responses on here too. I can't help but wonder how many of the people critcising her have been in this position? I can understand her feelings as over the years we 'adopted' two widowers in our road, one late 70s and the other early 80s. Neither took/takes advantage ( one has now died) - what they wanted was company. The one in his 80s just likes to run things past us as he trusts us before he commits to any significant decision - he touchingly wanted to discuss the wording on his wife's grave with us for example, - he has absolutely no one else. He dines with us regularly and has had Christmas and his birthdays with us since his wife died. We know he is comfortably off and for birthdays/Christmas etc his way of saying thank you is to buy us a really good bottle of wine and decent chocolates. We would have done all we have for him anyway but I can imagine that if, after his death, we found out he had money but had pleaded poverty, I would have been a bit bothered by it quite honestly. So OP YANBU as long as you don't let it keep on bothering you and don't let it stop you helping out others in the future. As for the generational thing - some people are mean and thoughtless and some of them are old and some are young.

TheBouquets · 02/12/2015 17:48

What an upsetting post. When I lost someone and you should have heard the questions I was asked. I thought I had the worst neighbours ever but it seems widespread (unless of course you (op) are a neighbour near me). I don't know what gives people the right to enquire about what a person has left in their estate. I would not ask anyone what is in their bank and I would not be happy with anyone asking me. I don't think it is right to make that information public.
Maybe the old man did not make it public that he had money so that the scammers and dodgy workmen who take advantage of the elderly people would not target him. Neighbours noseying and scammers are not what I would want in my area.
Exactly what business is it of anyone's how much money this old man had? Clearly all his money did not save his life! And perhaps he is well out of it that his neighbours and posters here are all discussing his assets.

WomanScorned · 02/12/2015 17:48

I don't think the OP deserves some of the harsher responses.

The neighbour led this couple to believe he was too poor to afford help, but he wasn't.

As for posters who are horrified that his being rich should make a difference - of course it does!
If I was to find out that the beggar I give a pound to every time I see him, had a fortune in the bank, I'd feel put out. I could be giving those pounds to someone too poor to buy their own dinner.
I help him because I believe him to be poor. What's wrong with that?

Enjolrass · 02/12/2015 17:50

Wow the glows from some of the halos on this thread are dazzling!

what because some of us help people out for no other reason that it's the decent thing to do?

I am so glad not everyone thinks like this.

When I choose to help someone I do it because I can and want to, not because there maybe a reward.

It doesn't make me and angel, it makes a decent person.

KERALA1 · 02/12/2015 18:09

Grrrr read my other response! If a a matter of degree.

And yes there are some halo polishers on this thread

IamactuallytherealJeff · 02/12/2015 18:29

Maybe it's a generation thing?

Older generations actually grew up looking out for their neighbours with no expectation of monetary gain.

He and his wife probably did the same when they were young.

I still find it extremely depressing that money would enter your mind OP...excuse me while I polish my halo Hmm

Brioche201 · 02/12/2015 18:40

What? he didn't pretend anything.You assumed he was poor -wrongly!
If he were alive he might say you were pretending to be rich?

yankeecandle4 · 02/12/2015 19:05

We've paid for him on trips to nt places

Bit of a drip feed OP. I can see that you are annoyed. However, the point still stands that he didn't pretend anything; more so you are the victim of your own assumptions.

Several years ago I had a very ill child in hospital and the house literally began falling apart. Needed new windows, new boiler. House was freezing and lots of condensation. Front garden became a dump. I remember being horrified when an anonymous person put £60 in an envelope through my door. It suddenly dawned on me that we looked dirt poor from the outside. We weren't; but our circumstances knocked us completely off track and it took us several years to get on an even keel again. The money was there, that wasn't the issue. I can't even describe myself what happened and I really cringe at how poor we looked, yet were not. The point I am making is not to make assumptions.

(I gave the £60 to charity btw)

iwantanewcar · 02/12/2015 19:18

yankee - so this. (Hope child is OK now?)

yankeecandle4 · 02/12/2015 19:32

^ thanks for asking, things are still busy but a lot more settled. Lots of work still to do in the house but life is good.

SisterConcepta · 02/12/2015 19:46

YANBU. Tight fisted takers exist in every generation. It's one thing to offer an elderly neighbour a lift or get them some groceries but doing manual labour and paying for them in a day trip while they do not put their their hands in their pocket when they are loaded is quite another. Saying it's ok to be tight because you grew up during the war, in poverty etc is rubbish. Some of the most decent generous people I knew/know were/are in their 80s.

hollyisalovelyname · 03/12/2015 16:54

I agree with SisterConcepta.
As my (very generous mother) says- 'There are no pockets on a shroud'
'You can't take it with you'

ComposHatComesBack · 03/12/2015 17:56

I agree with Concepta. My Uncle is in his mid 70s and despite having so much money his accountant was urging him to spend some is so mean he wouldn't give you the steam off his piss on a cold morning and wanders around in clothes that Oxfam would turn their noses at and hasn't decorated his house since he bought it over 40 years ago.

According to my dad he was the same as a kid and has been a miser all of his life, 'forgetting' his wallet or mirhering for lifts and never offering petrol money.

Mean-spirited skinflints get old too, just like nice generous people do. So I suspect the old chap has been 'careful' his entire life whilst his behaviour may have got pronounced as he got older or he found people were more willing to indulge him when he got older as people assumed he was a poor poverty stricken old man, whereas the same behaviour in a younger person would be seen for what it was.

That said I still think the op's reaction was OTT.

talkiinpeace · 03/12/2015 18:25

All those getting sniffy about the friend saying the size of the estate : you know that all wills over a certain amount are published in the press don't you Hmm