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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Seriously pissed off about a neighbour who pretended to be poor

150 replies

DyslexicScientist · 02/12/2015 06:50

I found out about this last week, but I'm still pretty pissed off tbh.

There was a retired and widowed man a few doors down from me. He often asked for help for odd jobs here and there, myself and my then partner often dropped what we were doing to help out. No money was ever offered and we didn't expect it to be we were just charitable and happy to help out. We gave him lifts many times, although he had a car if he was going away he didn't want his car left at the station and we assumed with a train fare for a trip he was a bit short. He always gratefully received a hamper of stuff from the harvest festival. I could go on but listing it is annoying me more.

He died and I know someone involved with his estate. I knew he would of been paper rich, but as its just the house i didnt really count it. Now it turns out he had a 6 figure amount in the bank, various stocks and shares and a monthly income greater than me, with no mortgage payments coming out.

I feel very betrayed, he could of easily afforded a Gardner, handyman, taxi, food etc and there are surely people in real need of these services and goods that he got for free and has deprived others.

Aibu to feel pissed off with him?

OP posts:

ChippyOik · 02/12/2015 08:48

I'd say he liked your company.

Also, perhaps, he sent out "i'm not rich you know" comments to make sure that nobody was being kind to him just because they thought he was rich...?

My dad, still alive, and financially secure if not exactly rolling around in money is always quite shocked by how much everything costs. Shoes, a round of drinks, the gas bill, you name it, he's appalled by how much it all costs.

Booyaka · 02/12/2015 08:53

Wow. So you didn't help out just for the pleasure of helping a neighbour. You helped because you thought you'd found a poor person to patronise. Nice.

Incidentally, you have no reason to believe what your friend told you. If they told you that then I think they're probably not a trustworthy person anyway.

Plus you have no idea what the rest of the situation was. Perhaps somebody else had power of attorney because he was vulnerable and he was kept on a budget? Perhaps he had hugely monthly outgoings?

Even if that's not the case then YABVVU to be angry with someone dead because you made a set of incorrect assumptions. Perhaps next before you do something nice for someone you should ask for bank statements and a breakdown of income as well as just mentally totting up the value of their home?

Incidentally, where did the estate go? Cat's home? Are you sure your nose isn't a little out of joint because none of this huge estate made it's way to you?

BMW6 · 02/12/2015 09:01

I agree with PP who think it's the Post war generation thing. Squirreling money away for a "rainy day" and no matter how hard it rains they won't touch the savings....my Mum was exactly the same.

Rather than be pissed off, try a wry smile and a shake of the head at the foolishness. Your good deeds were well meant and he really wasn't taking advantage of you - he was just a product of his generation. As the song says, Let it go....

mumeeee · 02/12/2015 09:08

YABU. He might not have realised he was wealthy and he was probably lonely so enjoyed having you guys coming round and helping him.
You said you did it to be charitable well you are not being very charitable now moaning about him
There is no way you should have found out about what he had in the bank or his assets. Your friend had no business telling you.

MackerelOfFact · 02/12/2015 09:12

I agree that it's a generational thing. They come from an era where 'make do and mend' wasn't just a twee little slogan you'd pay £15 to have on a little plaque hanging in your kitchen, it was an actual way of life.

My grandparents were the same. They grew up when resources were rationed. My granddad would've sooner missed a doctor's appointment than pay for a Taxi, my nan would sit freezing rather than put the heating on.

I also expect older people enjoy the companionship of asking people they know to help out with things, instead of using anonymous tradesmen.

TempusEedjit · 02/12/2015 09:13

My ex's GPs did an equity release scheme some time ago without telling anyone first, it means they will only ever get the first £100k of their house value when it's sold with the equity release company getting anything over and above - the house is now worth around £300k and they are priced out of being able to move house (South East). Turns out all along that they already had around £130k sitting across various accounts/investments and didn't have a clue. They were also very frugal, I think it's a generational thing.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 02/12/2015 09:17

This has actually made me quite sad. The man was probably so thankful that he had such lovely neighbours, who helped him out of the goodness of their hearts. He wasn't taking money off you, you were doing the decent thing and helping the elderly. Then you go and act like this

KERALA1 · 02/12/2015 09:25

Going against the grain I can sort of see why the op is miffed! There was a scheme where our primary school brought in tins and food etc for local elderly people in care homes which was stopped as it transpired most of the elderly people were extremely wealthy and these hard pressed in many cases really low income families were donating to them - bonkers!

ilovesooty · 02/12/2015 09:35

He must have thought you were genuinely generous and community spirited. Thankfully he'll never know any different.

blankblink · 02/12/2015 09:41

I feel very betrayed, he could of easily afforded a Gardner, handyman, taxi, food etc and there are surely people in real need of these services and goods that he got for free and has deprived others
Aibu to feel pissed off with him?

YABU. There are an awful lot of things in life that you can feel righteously indignant about, this is not one of them.

Why do you think/feel that he "deprived" other people of your generosity?

Do you have a long list of "deserving" people whose income and circumstances you've ascertained before you'll help them?

You need to take a long hard look at yourself, think about why you'd ever want to offer to help someone. If it's because you need sort of payback or reward for yourself, be that financial or emotional, then that's not a good starting point IMO.

You may want to consider helping other people from a position of selflessness www.srichinmoybio.co.uk/blog/self-improvement/selflessness/

Wellthatsit · 02/12/2015 09:48

YANBU. Your neighbour was tight, and took advantage of you. People are all jumping to his defense, and saying it's a generational thing etc etc, but growing up poor, and having to be frugal doesn't mean you can't be generous later in life. My dad grew up very poor and is one of the most generous people I know.

I think your neighbour enjoyed saving money by using you as free labour, and thoughtlessly/intentionally took it for granted, with little thought to how it affected you. Did he ever offer anything in return, like cooking you a meal, or giving you something (even if it was something that hadn't cost hom money, like some plants from his garden, or tomatoes from his greenhouse). Bet he didn't.

RB68 · 02/12/2015 09:49

we have the same issue - MIL has quite alot in the bank but she is terrified of running out - she is 86, she tries to live within her pensions and as such is penny pinching all the time. I am all for knowing the value of a £1 but FFS put the heating on folks and keep the place warm, eat regularly and keep healthy. She weighs 5.5 stones and I worry about her all the time she lives alone in London. And yes hates paying to have things done too - would rather mither us to death to do things than pay out for someone to come and fix a sink or something. My DH her son is completely useless with regards DIY and hasn't a clue what he is doing with it.

Stormtreader · 02/12/2015 09:54

His clothes were in a dire state, the roof needed repair work, his boiler was broken and so he just used a fire and plug in electric radiators.

Doesnt really sound like he was living in the lap of luxury does it? He obviously had some fear or issue around spending money, or just didnt trust or believe what his bank were telling him, I wouldnt feel too swindled by someone who had a far less pleasant life than he could have had, I wouldnt want to live with no working boiler if I had the choice.

ComposHatComesBack · 02/12/2015 09:56

On balance, YABU I can sort of see where the op is coming from. No he didn't lie to the op or demand any help and she assumed rather a lot, but I wonder what sort of reaction would have been generated if the recipient of the help had been younger or a single parent who appeared poverty stricken, going to the food bank, letting neighbours run around doing jobs but was actually living off a trust fund? Would people be quite so willing to speculate: 'perhaps her former partner looked after the money', or 'perhaps she's lonely'?

That said, I don't think you should feel betrayed. I think in those circumstances I'd have just rolled my eyes and thought 'well the crafty old bugger'

CalliopeTorres · 02/12/2015 09:56

My grandad has dementia and will tell anyone that he has no money, that's not true he is minted but he is utterly convinced he hasn't a penny to his name and he is in a perpetual state of distress because all of his money is gone. This man might have been similar. YABU.

CheesyNachos · 02/12/2015 10:03

I think like with others that perhaps he just had certain habits that were frugal.

But also... on another side of the coin... sometimes when people know you are wealthy they DO take advantage or expect things. I have a dear friend who is very wealthy.... They are frugal in that they don't fritter money and they certainly don't flaunt it (But when you have the only manor house in the village it is hard to avoid the obvious conclusion). I have heard our mutual friends so often bitch because she does not pick up the bill for everyone at a girly lunch for example. Or because she shops at Aldi (so she must be 'tight' as she can affford Waitrose) etc. Bitch because she sends her DD to a fee-paying school etc. And I have heard her say that when she gets quotes for work to be done (hedge cutting etc) she gets one quote on the phone then it doubles as soon as the person claps eyes on the house. You must get fed up with that. She married her DH and he inherited his money and sometimes it is pretty awdul because she is lovely and unaffected and people can take advantage and be pretty snide.

Preciousxbane · 02/12/2015 10:19

I am mainly horrified that your friend has divulged this information, as this person knows the contents of various peoples estates I assume they are a soliciter or work in a solicitors office.

You made an assumption and it was wrong 'assumption is the mother of all fuck ups' to use one of my DH favourite quotes.

I have an elderly neighbour who has lived in her house since 1932 as she inherited it from her parents and she always lived with them. You writing this has prompted me to ponder her finances for the first time in 16 years of being her neighbour. She probably is quite well off but you know I don't care and will carry on offering to get her stuff from the shop when weather is bad etc.

Pumpkinnose · 02/12/2015 10:27

YABU

Maybe he was saving money for care home fees? Or more likely a rainy day that never came. Or as a number of others have said it is a generational difference in attitudes to money and savings.

Damselindestress · 02/12/2015 10:32

Reading your update it does sound like he had some kind of psychological issue about spending money. Living with no boiler, especially when the roof needed repair must have been miserable, it sounds a bit far to go to con a few favours out of his neighbours!

ComposHatComesBack · 02/12/2015 12:41

Pumpkin - if you think you might need to go into a care home savings are the last thing you want.

Norest · 02/12/2015 12:47

Seriously? So it was all well and good when you had assumed the guy was in need of charity..you felt good about yourself then you say. But now you don't feel he was needy you think it sucks.

What a shitty shitty atittude.

The guy is dead. You said you didn't mind helping him out.

I think this says an awful lot about you and how you view those you perceive as less fortunate as you. In a not very positive way.

Also your friend should not be divulging information about his estate to you.

Janeymoo50 · 02/12/2015 13:01

Yes, YABU but not as unreasonable as the person who has shared such personal information about someones estate with you - what a cheek!

Hygge · 02/12/2015 13:10

Next time just help someone because you genuinely want to help them, regardless of their financial circumstances.

If you feel that their finances would alter your desire to help them out, don't make the offer.

MrsMarigold · 02/12/2015 13:12

I think many elderly people are terrified they will need care, so they don't want to spend what they have just in case they live to 105 and can't afford decent care, I know both my parents and DH's parents worry about this. DH who is super sensible says you need hundreds of thousands to retire comfortably, as chances are by the time we get to retirement age, there won't be any NHS and the state pension will have gone too.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 02/12/2015 13:12

You were very neighbourly and helpful. I see why you feel a bit annoyed. My thinking is he like many thought any savings (perhaps inherited) were sacred and should go untouched. That spending it, even in gratitude, was somehow frivolous. He may have acted as he did because he relished the contact and appreciated the kindness and didn't have any insight into how it might come across.

(Quite why your contact feels free to let that information slip is beyond me).

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