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AIBU?

Had a row with DP. Who is BU here?

143 replies

Redskyatnight01 · 01/12/2015 21:57

DP cooked me dinner tonight which I am very grateful for. He had the day off work so he ate earlier on today.

He was just finishing cooking when an ex work colleague of mine rang my mobile. I didn't know what it was about and answered it, walked out of the kitchen to take the call & mouthed 5 mins at him.

I started to walk upstairs and he came after me yelling my name & kept yelling, I asked ex colleague to hold on for a second and shouted down to him that I'll be 5 mins, will heat it in microwave if needed. He then screamed up 'no, you've pissed me off, I've just cooked this for you, get down here now'

I was so embarrassed as he was so loud, it's obvious this woman heard everything. I apologised, said my dinner was ready and would have to call her back in 15 mins.

I went downstairs annoyed that he deliberately wouldn't stop screaming at me despite knowing I was on the phone and that he had a go at me knowing someone could hear it. He was annoyed when I went downstairs and started as soon as i got down shouting saying how rude I was to take q phone call when he was serving up my dinner etc. I said yes I know it wasn't great but that I was only going to be 5 mins and if I thought it was going to go on any longer than that I would have told this lady I would have to ring her back in 15 mins but as it was, he didn't give me the chance as he was shouting at me from the minute I picked the call up. I said I don't appreciate being told what to do like a child, he said 'don't act like a fucking child then'

We haven't spoken all night since. I came up to bed as I was fed up of the atmosphere, he followed me up, got into bed and said 'so are you going to apologise for being rude' I said 'yes, i shouldn't have picked the call up, sorry, but I'm not the only person who was rude here, you don't scream and shout at someone whilst they're on the phone'

He said he didn't care, he was pissed off and he wanted me to know about it He's turned his back to me and has now gone to sleep- in a huff.

We NEVER argue, we normally have such a loving, happy relationship. I know I was rude to take a phone call knowing he was dishing up the dinner he'd just cooked for me, but I didn't know what my ex colleague wanted and not just that but surely, as a grown adult, it's up to me whether I take a phone call and then either eat my dinner warm or heat it up in the microwave?! I don't want to be told to 'get down here now and eat this dinner I've cooked for you' like a child?!

Are we both just being unreasonable here or is it just me?

OP posts:

Report

Redskyatnight01 · 01/12/2015 22:28

No- it's fine. If my actions were rude and his justifiable then fair enough. It's because he never normally acts like this that I had to post because he's obviously angry and he is normally so laid back so maybe I was being very unreasonable

OP posts:

Choughed · 01/12/2015 22:31

You were definitely BU to answer your phone but his reaction was unacceptable. You both need to apologise to each other.

Whathaveilost · 01/12/2015 22:34

I would be livid if my DH shouted like that at me.

He is extremely ill mannered and a nasty bully in this circustance.
This has happened a few time on both sides in our family and it really isn't a big deal. The other one of us usually say ' shall I re heat it for you.'

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 01/12/2015 22:35

I have stopped caring about whether H faffs or not. It used to piss me off but then I realised that I wasnt the one with a cold dinner, so who cares?

However, even if I had been bothered I would not have screamed and shouted at him like that, thats just ridiculous childish attention seeking behaviour.

As for answering the call I would probably have said "Oh shit its X, hang on I'll find out what she wants and then call her back". The "5 minutes" thing could be construed as you telling the waiting staff to hold off serving you. I know thats not how you meant it but it could be seen as being dismissive.

But you have apologised for your part in it, so dont do that again. Equally I wouldnt let it drop until he apologised for his behaviour too.

Dumbledoresgirl · 01/12/2015 22:35

Well, I'm the cook in this household. In fact, we have a very 1950s lifestyle in which I do all the domestic stuff and dh is the sole breadwinner. I can't stand it when a meal is ready and everyone, dh and the children, don't drop things immediately and come to the table when called.

But, this is different. The phone rang. Of course you should answer it if you want to. If the phone rings here just as a meal is going on the table, I usually huff a bit and mutter about people ringing at inappropriate times (knowing full well they are not to know it is inappropriate) but I would never yell at whoever took the call, or insist they come to the table immediately. That is unspeakably rude imo. For all your dh knew, the caller could have been ringing with a very urgent problem, or in great distress.

For that reason, I think he is in the wrong. I wouldn't be apologising for anything if I were you.

Permanentlyexhausted · 01/12/2015 22:35

Well he shouldn't have shouted at you. That was incredibly rude and disrespectful. But it was incredibly rude and disrespectful to pick up the phone as he was dishing it up and just as bad to suggest you'd heat it up in the microwave.

CFSsucks · 01/12/2015 22:35

You were rude and I would have been very pissed off in your DPs shoes.

However, I would have huffed about and got over it a bit later. He had no right to shout at you like that. If my DH shouted at me I would have just walked out of the house and left him to it. He is an arsehole. You are not a child and he is not your parent.

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 01/12/2015 22:36

I meant dont apologise again!

peggyundercrackers · 01/12/2015 22:38

You were rude and should not have answered the call, it wasn't important. He shouldn't have shouted at you afterwards. Your both as bad as each other and should apologise to each other.

Paleninteresting · 01/12/2015 22:38

I disagree with the majority of posters here. There is no reason for you to be spoken/ screamed at like that. None, end of.

AyeAmarok · 01/12/2015 22:38

If my DP shouted down the phone when I was on it like that I would be fucking raging. Seriously. What was the intention of that? To put you in your place? To embarrass you? What the hell must your colleague think?

Honestly, I'd be livid.

Sallystyle · 01/12/2015 22:40

The way he spoke to you OP was disgusting. You are not some child to tell off. If I annoy my husband he would never treat me like that, it is not normal or healthy

Taking a call would be no big deal here. It's just a meal, you were still going to enjoy it and he wasn't even eating with you so it did not affect him at all.

HumphreyCobblers · 01/12/2015 22:41

As you were not going to eat together (I would have waited till my partner got home anyway) I don't think taking a call at that moment is anything more than a minor annoyance.

Screaming at you about dinner whilst the person on the end of the phone can hear is appalling behaviour. Really really bad. It would have mortified the person on the end of the phone, and if I were the OP would have made me very embarrassed the next time I saw her.

AwfulBeryl · 01/12/2015 22:41

Actually I don't think you were all that rude, he had already eaten so it's not like you were sitting down to dinner together. Which would have been ruder IMO.
It made no difference to him at all, you just didn't eat straight away.

freedom2011 · 01/12/2015 22:42

similar in my house this evening. not exact same, but I lost my temper over something that while inconsiderate and rude (like you taking the call as he was serving) was not in correlation to what was done. difference is - we've made up and said sorry. and the reason I lost my temper was because of other reasons and that was the last straw. maybe tomorrow when things have calmed down you can say - look, I can understand you being annoyed, because my behaviour was rude and unappreciative, but I don't think your reaction was your usual self at all, you're usually so easy going and would never shout at me - is there anything else going on you're feeling pissed about - with us or generally?

projecting much

Sallystyle · 01/12/2015 22:43

But it was incredibly rude and disrespectful to pick up the phone as he was dishing it up and just as bad to suggest you'd heat it up in the microwave.

He cooked her a meal. He had already eating something else earlier.

It wasn't like they had plans to eat a romantic dinner with each other.

She took a 5 min call. That is not incredibly rude and disrespectful.

Haffdonga · 01/12/2015 22:43

Bloody hell! Shouting at you, humiliating you and ordering you downstairs. He sounds like an abusive arse. He was totally BU.

Answering the phone as a meal is served is not ideal but it's nowhere in the same league as the way he behaved. He sounds horrible/

Sallystyle · 01/12/2015 22:48

You were rude and should not have answered the call, it wasn't important. He shouldn't have shouted at you afterwards. Your both as bad as each other and should apologise to each other.

What utter bullshit! How can you say the OP is just as bad?

Dp cooks a meal, he is not eating with her.
She tells him she will be down in 5 minutes. It doesn't affect him. He has already eaten.
He then shouts down the phone, demands she comes down straight away while she is on the phone, also making her friend feel uncomfortable and embarrassing the OP.

If you think the OP's actions were just as bad as his then there is something wrong with you.

Lynnm63 · 01/12/2015 22:48

If my DH had spoken to me the way yours did to you whilst you were on the phone thereby preventing you from telling him to fuck off Id be livid. Id have also told him to stick his dinner where the sun doesn't shine and refused to eat it. If he'd followed me to bed expecting an apology i might have said I shouldn't have answered the phone but if he'd carried on as yours did id have gone ballistic. Let's just say one of us would be in the spare room until Christmas tonight. You were a tad unreasonable but he's being a prize twat.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/12/2015 22:48

It was rude of you to pick the call up and walk away like that; but that does not make his actions justifiable!! How very fucking rude of HIM to shout and scream at you so the other person could hear, and then to continue it afterwards as well! Those aren't the actions of a rational adult, but of an angry toddler.

Have you been together long? Just wondering if it's a fairly recent living-together scenario, and cracks are starting to appear.

Just to be clear, I would have been pissed off with you for answering the phone at that point too, as I am often pissed off with DH for taking a work call way past work time; but I at least wait until he is off the phone before ranting at him! (I do pull evil faces and make signs for him to wind it up etc. but nothing the other person would know about) And then I don't carry on with all the rest of the palaver that your DP has just pulled - ridiculous levels of carry-on over this really minor situation.

silvermantela · 01/12/2015 22:49

also presumably he didn't know what it was about either. What if it was an emergency with a friend/family member? What if she was ringing to offer you an amazing new job opportunity?

If he was really that annoyed about you answering your phone he should have waited until you'd finished and then addressed it, as an adult. You could have apologised and then known not to do it again. His reaction was so OTT for a minor annoyance.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 01/12/2015 22:50

I will go against the grain and say only he was being unreasonable here, in my opinion. However, that's only because I would never get pissy at my partner answering the phone at any point of the day - if his food gets cold, he is perfectly able to re-heat it, it's a choice he makes as an adult. Sometimes things in life interfere with dinner and such - it's not the end of the world. You're quite right, he did treat you like a child, and has acted twice as childish in return. It's not like you're a naughty child messing with an electronic and not eating your peas for goodness sake. Shouting at you like that, when you were on the phone, that was totally out of order. Even if he was annoyed, he had no right to try and humiliate you like that - it's bullying behaviour trying to embarrass you into putting the phone down. I think he's the only one who needs to apologise here, what he did was much worse than answering a quick phonecall (certainly since he had already eaten - it wasn't like he was even waiting on you!).

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Permanentlyexhausted · 01/12/2015 22:51

Maybe not in your world U2 but it is in mine.

Epilepsyhelp · 01/12/2015 22:52

I do think taking the call was rude, obviously no one should scream and shout but I would have been really pissed off with what you did, not just answering but walking off, very dismissive and rude.

Kpo58 · 01/12/2015 22:53

He sounds very controlling. No normal person would have acted in that way. I don't think that I could live with someone who thinks that its grown up to act in that manner.

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