Had a row with DP. Who is BU here?

[Redskyatnight01]

DP cooked me dinner tonight which I am very grateful for. He had the day off work so he ate earlier on today.

He was just finishing cooking when an ex work colleague of mine rang my mobile. I didn't know what it was about and answered it, walked out of the kitchen to take the call & mouthed 5 mins at him.

I started to walk upstairs and he came after me yelling my name & kept yelling, I asked ex colleague to hold on for a second and shouted down to him that I'll be 5 mins, will heat it in microwave if needed. He then screamed up 'no, you've pissed me off, I've just cooked this for you, get down here now'

I was so embarrassed as he was so loud, it's obvious this woman heard everything. I apologised, said my dinner was ready and would have to call her back in 15 mins.

I went downstairs annoyed that he deliberately wouldn't stop screaming at me despite knowing I was on the phone and that he had a go at me knowing someone could hear it. He was annoyed when I went downstairs and started as soon as i got down shouting saying how rude I was to take q phone call when he was serving up my dinner etc. I said yes I know it wasn't great but that I was only going to be 5 mins and if I thought it was going to go on any longer than that I would have told this lady I would have to ring her back in 15 mins but as it was, he didn't give me the chance as he was shouting at me from the minute I picked the call up. I said I don't appreciate being told what to do like a child, he said 'don't act like a fucking child then'

We haven't spoken all night since. I came up to bed as I was fed up of the atmosphere, he followed me up, got into bed and said 'so are you going to apologise for being rude' I said 'yes, i shouldn't have picked the call up, sorry, but I'm not the only person who was rude here, you don't scream and shout at someone whilst they're on the phone'

He said he didn't care, he was pissed off and he wanted me to know about it He's turned his back to me and has now gone to sleep- in a huff.

We NEVER argue, we normally have such a loving, happy relationship. I know I was rude to take a phone call knowing he was dishing up the dinner he'd just cooked for me, but I didn't know what my ex colleague wanted and not just that but surely, as a grown adult, it's up to me whether I take a phone call and then either eat my dinner warm or heat it up in the microwave?! I don't want to be told to 'get down here now and eat this dinner I've cooked for you' like a child?!

Are we both just being unreasonable here or is it just me?

[Katarzyna79]

he was unreasonable for shouting and not apologising, my husband is as stubborn as a mule. you apologised so he should have swallowed his pride and done the same. im sure he will tomorrow dont let him get away without one, otherwise he'll think its acceptable in the future.

But you were also very rude since he went out of his way to cook, regardless of if he ate earlier. He heated it, and had it ready for you.

my husband does this a lot but he'll talk whilst eating (pees me off) I demand it off when hes with family, work calls during work hours unless you're on emergency calls.

I often eat alone because of this sort of rudeness so I understand your partners feelings

[YakTriangle]

I don't see anything wrong with you taking a quick phone call that could have been very important. I see a lot wrong with him humiliating you in earshot of a colleague, and telling you when you have to eat and when you can take phone calls.

[Paddletonio]

His behaviour was awful here. He doesn't deserve a medal for making dinner and I don't think you were unreasonable. He sounds very controlling.

[Permanentlyexhausted]

I'm not sure why people it's ok because he wasn't eating with you.

He'd already eaten so the meal he'd cooked was especially for you, not just something he'd made because he was hungry.

[Permanentlyexhausted]

*why people think it's ok

[HolgerDanske]

I would also like to know if you've just recently started living together. And is he the sort who believes that him deigning to cook you a meal deserves some kind of unquestioning gratitude forever more? And when you say you never argue, is that because you generally don't mind if things go his way most of the time?

What he did was horribly rude and aggressive and I'd be livid with him for embarrassing me within earshot of a colleague.

Just awful, nasty, un-called for behaviour.

[SanityClause]

I agree that it was rude to take the call. You could easily have called her back when you had finished.

His behaviour was outrageous, though, and totally not justified.

[MrsGentlyBenevolent]

Cooking the OP a meal was very nice - however not the most amazing thing in the world. It's not like the op took the call and said 'actually, stuff dinner, put it in the bin'. She wanted a couple of minutes and could have re-heated the meal if needed. Most meals can survive sitting for this amount of time - the dinner my partner cooked for me tonight survived nearly 15 mins without going horrible as I had to feed our baby. He's had to take calls or even had to go off to sort work things just as I'm plating up - it's life. How would the partner have felt if the OP had done this to him? Unless he's Gordan Ramsey, the OP's partner really needs to get over himself and apologise.

[whois]

You shouldn't have answered the call, it was rude. But his over reaction was terrible and a bit scary. So ultimately he was massively being U.

[Gladysandtheflathamsandwich]

Unless he's Gordan Ramsey, the OP's partner really needs to get over himself and apologise.

Even if he was Gordon Ramsey, it wouldnt justify his behaviour. It would make it ok for the OP to stab him in the face though, what jury would convict?! :o

[Gladysandtheflathamsandwich]

Holger makes a good point.

How long have you been together?
How long living together?
How is the cooking/cleaning/domestic crap divided up?

[Bakeoffcake]

Taking the call want rude but walking out of the room mouthing "I'll be 5 mins" is. You should have just said "hi, sorry but I'm just having dinner, I'll call you back"

However like everyone else has said he was incredibly rude and aggressive to you. You say he's normally really laid back so I'd forgive him this time but I'd have a chat tomorrow and find out why he behaved so out of character this evening.

[inlawsfromhell]

Wow can't believe what some of the posters have said in here!

OP My -old best friend friend is not allowed her phone when her WH Wanker Husband-- is home because it is rude. This is how it started with her. I would be having stern words now just in case be ever tries it again.

If DH ever spoke to me like your DH did then shit would hit the fan big time. Answering your phone was nowhere near as rude as he was and do not ever allow him to speak to you like that.

[MrsGentlyBenevolent]

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich

I meant Gordon not Gordan - serious lack of sleep! Yes, you're quite right, not even Mr Angry Craggy-Face himself would have a good reason for losing his shit in this way! Just no excuse at all, would love to know on what planet that an adult answering the phone is unreasonable behaviour, even if it is dinner time.

[Justaboy]

Perhaps he's a bit hormonal;!

I hate it when that happens, someone takes a bl^^dy phone call when dinner is served.

Can they not understand that you can RING SOMEONE BACK!

[SolidGoldBrass]

I'd call this a red flag. His behaviour was very much about putting you in your place - you are supposed to obey him all the time and make him the centre of your universe.
As PP have said - it sounds like you have not been living together very long. I suggest you look back and see how many other incidents there have been where you have felt it necessary to give in quickly to avoid him having a tantrum.

[Katarzyna79]

In retrospect I want to add something to my previous post. I said both of you were unreasonable but I think he got off too lightly in my first post. He was far more unreasonable in the sense that he humiliated you why would someone who loves you do that and then refuse to apologise.

he shouted at you like he was berating a child. Like solid said if you have been together a while and there is a pattern it may be time to see if change is possible for him or move on with your life.

[NoSquirrels]

YANBU.

Screaming and shouting at someone is unacceptable. Trying repeatedly to gets someone's attention when they are on a phone call is rude (as I have tp remind my DC frequently).

It IS a bit annoying when you've cooked and people aren't ready to eat it. Perhaps he missed you mouthing "5 mins" and misconstrued it. I would probably be pissed off at the microwave comment in his shoes.

However, you weren't derailing an intimate meal a deux - he'd eaten earlier in the day without you! So the only person you were inconveniencing was yourself.

Total aggressive over-reaction on his part, and then sulky man-child behaviour to cap it off when you weren't suitably grovelling. FFS, you've even apologised and he hasn't the good grace to say sorry for his appalling behaviour.

I agree with others that I'd never have eaten a mouthful of that dinner if I'd been screamed at and humiliated for something really minor in the grand scheme of things.

[thelouise]

I think you were unreasonable to take the call but his response was outrageously out of proportion to your misdemeanour. I'm not sure I could forgive that level of abuse and humiliation.

[supersop60]

In our house, you always take a work call; being musicians it means it might be the offer of a gig, and if you don't answer, the work goes to someone else.
Since your OH had already eaten, I assume you were going to eat alone anyway?? So what would it matter if it went a bit cool and you had to heat it up?
On the odd occasion when my DP has been 'late' to dinner, the DCs and I have started without him and left his dinner on the table.
Your OH's behaviour was VVU.

[Anomaly]

I can't see why you were so rude to take the call. It would be very unusual for work to phone me at home so I would always take the call because it would be something important.

Your DH was trying to humiliate you for that alone he is unreasonable. Are you sure that the reason you don't argue is because normally you do as you're told? He came up to bed expecting you to apologise and the fact that you're needing to check that he is the one being unreasonable does make me wonder if all is as rosy in your relationship as you think.

[Gladysandtheflathamsandwich]

MrsGentlyBenevolent I hadnt noticed the sp, I was too busy loving the idea of the OP stabbing GR in the head with a meat cleaver :o

[Gladysandtheflathamsandwich]

Are you sure that the reason you don't argue is because normally you do as you're told? He came up to bed expecting you to apologise and the fact that you're needing to check that he is the one being unreasonable does make me wonder if all is as rosy in your relationship as you think.

Been thinking the same thing.....

[Canyouforgiveher]

We NEVER argue, we normally have such a loving, happy relationship.

I wonder if this is because you usually do what he wants?

Your colleague is probably quite worried about your domestic situation.

I know I would be if I was on the phone to a colleague and heard a partner screaming in the background to get off the phone, and then my colleague made an excuse to get off the phone.

If I was on the phone to a colleague and she said "ah blast I had dinner ready and he just took a work call" I wouldn't be worried at all about her domestic situation.

You should not apologise and you should not accept this as normal. And to be frank, I am amazed at how many women think taking a phone call before dinner is served is an equal offense to screaming at someone, forcing them to drop a work call, and accusing them of behaving like a child because they didn't obey immediately.