Had a row with DP. Who is BU here?

[Redskyatnight01]

DP cooked me dinner tonight which I am very grateful for. He had the day off work so he ate earlier on today.

He was just finishing cooking when an ex work colleague of mine rang my mobile. I didn't know what it was about and answered it, walked out of the kitchen to take the call & mouthed 5 mins at him.

I started to walk upstairs and he came after me yelling my name & kept yelling, I asked ex colleague to hold on for a second and shouted down to him that I'll be 5 mins, will heat it in microwave if needed. He then screamed up 'no, you've pissed me off, I've just cooked this for you, get down here now'

I was so embarrassed as he was so loud, it's obvious this woman heard everything. I apologised, said my dinner was ready and would have to call her back in 15 mins.

I went downstairs annoyed that he deliberately wouldn't stop screaming at me despite knowing I was on the phone and that he had a go at me knowing someone could hear it. He was annoyed when I went downstairs and started as soon as i got down shouting saying how rude I was to take q phone call when he was serving up my dinner etc. I said yes I know it wasn't great but that I was only going to be 5 mins and if I thought it was going to go on any longer than that I would have told this lady I would have to ring her back in 15 mins but as it was, he didn't give me the chance as he was shouting at me from the minute I picked the call up. I said I don't appreciate being told what to do like a child, he said 'don't act like a fucking child then'

We haven't spoken all night since. I came up to bed as I was fed up of the atmosphere, he followed me up, got into bed and said 'so are you going to apologise for being rude' I said 'yes, i shouldn't have picked the call up, sorry, but I'm not the only person who was rude here, you don't scream and shout at someone whilst they're on the phone'

He said he didn't care, he was pissed off and he wanted me to know about it He's turned his back to me and has now gone to sleep- in a huff.

We NEVER argue, we normally have such a loving, happy relationship. I know I was rude to take a phone call knowing he was dishing up the dinner he'd just cooked for me, but I didn't know what my ex colleague wanted and not just that but surely, as a grown adult, it's up to me whether I take a phone call and then either eat my dinner warm or heat it up in the microwave?! I don't want to be told to 'get down here now and eat this dinner I've cooked for you' like a child?!

Are we both just being unreasonable here or is it just me?

[DoreenLethal]

And you shouldn't be 'very much grateful' for someone who you live with cooking you a meal. If it is out of the ordinary for him to cook then he needs more practice, esp at keeping food hot ready to be served.

[goodnightdarthvader1]

If he was getting a bit too chatty on the phone I would - LIKE A NORMAL PERSON - politely interrupt and quietly tell him to either wind it up, or call them back after dinner.

This. Your DP is an abusive controlling ass.

[Redskyatnight01]

Thanks for the responses.

Just to clarify, he’s not my DH, we’re not married. It’s not a new relationship though.

I didn’t see him this morning as he had gone to work before I got up so haven’t spoken to him.

Not really sure how to play it tbh. I just can’t pretend that I am okay with that behaviour, it is just fucking weird. And yes, controlling.

I think I’m going to text him explaining that yes, (as a lot of posters have pointed out) it was rude of me to take the call after he had just cooked and dished up my dinner and in hindsight, I wouldn’t do it again, I would just leave the call and then call them back after I’d finished eating so yes, I apologise for that.

BUT, I will then say that he too was rude and more than that, aggressive and controlling and that is it NOT okay to order me about like a child, especially within ear shot of someone else.

I said to him last night that if he was annoyed he should’ve waited until I was off the phone and then spoken to me, but I will reiterate this again. I will ask him if he really believes his behaviour was absolutely fine as if he does, we have problems.

Just to say, that my ex was an EA prick and I DO know the signs, I’m not naïve. I left that relationship a few months after he really showed his true colours (though, in fairness with him there were warning signs from the start looking back) I’m not a doormat and I won’t stand for crap.

BUT, I’m not being naïve or selective when I say that our relationship is 99% of the time a loving, happy one. I’m not perfect, I can be thoughtless and selfish (last night a prime example) and he tolerates a lot from me sometimes.

It needs to be sorted out either way, because if he ever does anything like that again, that’s it.

[Squashybanana]

I suspect that this irritated a sore spot. Perhaps you are a bit dismissive more often than you realise and it's been building up as an 'issue' in his mind? I do think walking out of the room whilst mouthing '5 mins' sends an incredibly dismissive message about the meal he has cooked for you - you may not have thought it was a big deal but he obviously did.

On the other hand, as practically everyone has said, the way he handled this was completely out of line. He has humiliated himself in front of a work colleague of yours behaving like a controlling bully. He definitely needs to apologise for the way he handled this. If he does think you can be dismissive of him, he needs to discuss it with you like a sensible human being.

[AlisonWunderland]

I would be livid if my husband shouted at me like that.

However I would not take a phone call as my meal was being served, walk out of the room. Going upstairs makes it look like you are settling down for a long chat. I would be annoyed if I were your DP, but I wouldn't have screamed at you.

My mother has superhuman powers and rings 3 or 4 times a week as we are sitting down to dinner. If i don't answer, she will ring repeatedly until I do.
So I answer, tell her we are eating, and promise to call her back. 15 seconds tops.
And resume eating.

I would say to him that you are sorry that he was upset by you taking the call (careful non-apology there!) but that that his response was totally out of order and that he owes you a sincere apology.

[NinaSimoneful]

Perhaps it's a bit rude but his reaction was way OTT. You weren't asking him to wait for you to get back until you both ate.

Something extremely similar happened in this house on Monday night. DH and I were just about to sit down to dinner that he had cooked (DD in bed) and I saw my DM ring. (Volume on phone is iffy so it didn't make noise I just saw it lit up as I passed.) I took the call, went upstairs too, was about 7 minutes and just said to DH when I came back "Sorry, I just saw the call and took it quickly". He just asked if everything was okay and we got on with our lovely dinner.

[goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal]

It isn't thoughtless and selfish to quickly answer a call OP! The world does not stop turning just because a POSSIBLY WORK RELATED CALL came in at a bad moment.

The only times it would have been genuinely rude to have answered a call would have been:

• In a restaurant
  
• In the middle of sex
  
• In the cinema
  

I'm quite worried that you've been in an EA relationship before, and you are really focusing on apologising for this perceived wrong of answering a sodding phone call.

Answering the call was not wrong. IT WASN'T WRONG!!!!

Please don't go in with an apology on this one. Go in focusing on what actually matters - the fact that he treated you with utter, pure contempt, and embarrassed BOTH of you in front of a colleague by speaking to you like a child. And if he ever speaks to you like that again, then he is gone.

The fact he hasn't realised what a massive twat he has been is really worrying tbh.

[Jux]

I often cook dinner, and dh often gets calls when I'm dishong up when we're eating, when we're clearing up. So what? It's his food, and if the call's important enough his food will be cold; if it's appropriate he'll tell them to call back or he'll call them back. Either way, it's his choice and no big deal. If he were just faffing around and so was late to the table, I'd make a mildly sarcastic remark.

Your dh is being vvvvvvv U.

Do you not have arguments because you capitulate early?

[Notimefortossers]

I agree with the majority. You were rude and your behaviour instigated it, but his reaction outweighed the behaviour.

If my DH did to me what you did to him I would be pissed off and probably stomp about and glare at him while he was on the phone, then have a go at him when he came off it. To which he would apologise and not do it again. Job done.

I think your plan of how to go forward with it is a good one OP. You're admitting your part in it and apologizing, but also letting him know that his behaviour was unacceptable. If he can be a man and admit that and accept your apology then I see no reason why you can't go back to normal

[Notimefortossers]

To the people saying it's ok to take a call when someones just cooked for you . . .would you do that if you were at a friends for dinner?

I never understand how people think it's ok to treat their partners in a way they wouldn't treat other people who SHOULD be less important to them

[GoblinLittleOwl]

Yes, you were rude, walking out as your meal was served.
He was rude, shouting at you and swearing afterwards.
BUT:
you apologised, albeit somewhat ungraciously, and explained your actions, and you shouldn't apologise again. I thought you would wake up this morning and all would be resolved.

I wouldn't text him or bring the subject up again, leave it to him.
If he is still sulking when he returns home, then you do have an issue.

[Jux]

I really don't see why answering the phone and dealing with it as quickly as possible, is such a problem. You say "excuse me, sorry" and take the call. If it requires a long conversation, then you say you'll call back, hang up, apologise for holding up dinner (not a big grovel, just a quick " sorry about that") and then you all get on with it. You are at home. Things like this happen.

I don't get it. What you did was entirely reasonable.
What your dp did, wasn't.

[KinkyAfro]

How the fuck is it rude to answer a call just because her DP is cooking, it's not like they were sitting down to a meal together is it? What if it had been an emergency, what if OP was 10 minutes getting in from work because of the traffic, what would he have done then? DP regularly takes calls as he's always on call, he knows that if that happens during or just before a meal then he will have to heat it up afterward. It's not putting me out just like it's not putting OP's DP out, she wasn't expecting him to heat it up for her.

You did nothing wrong, he was a total, utter knob

[Notimefortossers]

But what's wrong with ignoring the call, eating the dinner that your partner has spent time making for you, having a chat about your day for 5 mins then calling the person back? If the call was important the person would keep trying or text at which point you could say 'I'm really sorry, do you mind if I take this? It looks like it might be important' . . . Surely that would be better?

[middlings]

You were both being unreasonable (unless you work in a profession where your decisions involve immediate life and death).

When I was living at home, in the days of old fashioned land lines, the phone was answered when we were eating, but the rule of thumb was, you told the caller you'd call them back. In later years, it went to answer machine and wasn't answered at all. My mother will now answer the phone to any and all callers now that she has a mobile and thinks I'm odd that I don't.....
Her: "I tried to FaceTime you earlier."
Me: "I know, but we were eating dinner."
Her: "I knew you would be, but wanted to talk to my DGC."
Me: "Mum, getting two toddlers to finish their dinner is hard enough without you intervening remotely!"
Her: "Humph!"
Me:

You knew you were about to do something else, so you shouldn't have taken the call. I don't understand why people think it's ok to do so.

However, his reaction was highly unreasonable and I hope he feels very silly today.

[Notimefortossers]

If your DP is on call kinkyafro (love the name by the way) then that's a bit different. He's obligated and paid to answer the calls.

I guess people just view food differently. To some it's not that important, just fuel if you like . . . we put love and thought and effort into the meals we cook for each other and to leave it to go cold and get re-heated when you could leave the phone and call back afterwards is letting it spoil. She didn't take the call when he was cooking, she took it as he was dishing up

[MajesticWhine]

I think he was BU. Calling out "Dinner's ready" would be ok. Shouting and screaming making a big fuss is not ok.

[Lozza1990]

He is being unreasonable. He sounds like a twat. He is sulking all night because you answered your phone and you are the one behaving like a child? Right.

[goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal]

notimefortossers - No, my reaction wouldn't change if it was a friend who had cooked for me/if I had just cooked for a friend. Because I actually like my friends, and like my husband too. I wouldn't consider answering a call quickly to be some sort of personal affront to me martyring myself at the altar of the kitchen on their behalf.

But try turning that around to justify his reaction. Would it have been acceptable for this man to have shouted and humiliated a friend who answered a call while he was dishing up? No? Why's that? Why does the OP get treated with contempt but a friend wouldn't in exactly the same situation?

[Wineandrosesagain]

Op, I don't think you were rude to take the call - possibly a bit thoughtless to have carried on the call, though presumably you thought it would be a short call? Both DH and I have jobs where we will get calls at odd hours, and whilst I would prefer no calls during dinner (whoever cooks it), sometimes they happen. And if DH gets a call that he can't ignore then I put his dinner in the oven to keep warm, as he would mine. No biggie.

Your partner on the other hand was completely and utterly out of order. I cannot imagine any situation where my DH would scream and shout at me. And over a bloody plate of food???!! That plate and its contents would have gone straight in the bin in my house (with DH lucky it wasn't straight over his head instead).

Unless he has some sort of stress-related problem (eg where someone might be tipped over the edge by something small), then there is no excuse for his vile behaviour. I would honestly think my DH had gone mad if he did that to me. But then he has no problems with "arrogance" and "self-righteousness", unlike your partner. That sort of behaviour is really outside the realms of normal. Never mind the fact that your colleague will be thinking WTF, which is embarrassing, and may have been his intention, but just the sheer assault of someone screaming at you is completely unacceptable. And then forcing an apology from you and refusing to apologise for his own behaviour, followed by sulking?? This does not bode well for the future.

I would not under any circumstances give him another apology. I would want a discussion regarding his behaviour and if he refused to see how unacceptable it was I would take that as a strong indication that it will happen again, and be considering my future with(out) him.

[ipsos]

Was it very unusual that he cooked for you? I've noticed that when men cook and if it is a very unusual event they can be a a bit diva-ish about it. When it's the other way round, the same men will think nothing of throwing a nice roast dinner in the bin and going out for a takeaway if that's what they prefer.

[WilburIsSomePig]

Well the timing was bad and perhaps you should have told your colleague you would ring them back but fucking hell, people are really excusing her DH screaming at her like a banshee over such a non issue? Jesus, if DH did that to me he'd get his arse handed to him on a plate. No excuses.

[OTheHugeManatee]

I think your DP was aggressive and unpleasant. But I also think you need to find out if there's anything underlying it. If he's normally very laid back there may be other incidents that have frustrated him - I can't imagine what, because I don't know your relationship - but that he's felt unable to mention and it's all just boiled over.

In your shoes I'd be firm about the fact that blowing up like that is unpleasant and unnecessary BUT also willing to hear your DP if there are other grievances or frustrations about your relationship, from his perspective, that he's struggling to articulate.

[Quornmakesmefart]

OP Please do not apologise any more. You were maybe a little bit rude answering the phone, but the way he reacted was abusive, controlling and 100 times worse than anything you did.

You haven't said how long you've been together, but I have been married 15 years and DH has never spoken to me that way. IME there are men who are capable of abusive behaviour and those who are not and it really is that simple. He has crossed a line and that would be a big red flag for me.

Why does he think it's acceptable to shout at you like that? I would be very concerned that he's given you a little insight into what he is capable of. Have there been other little signs that you've put to the back of your mind? I'm just thinking it's very strange that he's gone from being pretty much perfect to abusive in the blink of an eye.... just be very careful that you're not on a slippery slope with this man

[Tamponlady]

Sorry you are

My husband dose this and I hate it just cooked dinner and everyone's sitting then he takes a call his dinners getting cold the kids are moaning were ss dad then I have to get up from my own meal and put it in the microwave etc


I think your being very good when you go to your death bed you won't be thinking at least I took that call but will have wanted to have sat with oh while you eat somthing he lovingly cooked