Had a row with DP. Who is BU here?

[Redskyatnight01]

DP cooked me dinner tonight which I am very grateful for. He had the day off work so he ate earlier on today.

He was just finishing cooking when an ex work colleague of mine rang my mobile. I didn't know what it was about and answered it, walked out of the kitchen to take the call & mouthed 5 mins at him.

I started to walk upstairs and he came after me yelling my name & kept yelling, I asked ex colleague to hold on for a second and shouted down to him that I'll be 5 mins, will heat it in microwave if needed. He then screamed up 'no, you've pissed me off, I've just cooked this for you, get down here now'

I was so embarrassed as he was so loud, it's obvious this woman heard everything. I apologised, said my dinner was ready and would have to call her back in 15 mins.

I went downstairs annoyed that he deliberately wouldn't stop screaming at me despite knowing I was on the phone and that he had a go at me knowing someone could hear it. He was annoyed when I went downstairs and started as soon as i got down shouting saying how rude I was to take q phone call when he was serving up my dinner etc. I said yes I know it wasn't great but that I was only going to be 5 mins and if I thought it was going to go on any longer than that I would have told this lady I would have to ring her back in 15 mins but as it was, he didn't give me the chance as he was shouting at me from the minute I picked the call up. I said I don't appreciate being told what to do like a child, he said 'don't act like a fucking child then'

We haven't spoken all night since. I came up to bed as I was fed up of the atmosphere, he followed me up, got into bed and said 'so are you going to apologise for being rude' I said 'yes, i shouldn't have picked the call up, sorry, but I'm not the only person who was rude here, you don't scream and shout at someone whilst they're on the phone'

He said he didn't care, he was pissed off and he wanted me to know about it He's turned his back to me and has now gone to sleep- in a huff.

We NEVER argue, we normally have such a loving, happy relationship. I know I was rude to take a phone call knowing he was dishing up the dinner he'd just cooked for me, but I didn't know what my ex colleague wanted and not just that but surely, as a grown adult, it's up to me whether I take a phone call and then either eat my dinner warm or heat it up in the microwave?! I don't want to be told to 'get down here now and eat this dinner I've cooked for you' like a child?!

Are we both just being unreasonable here or is it just me?

[StrictlyMumDancing]

My DH gets possibly work related calls and his DM calling at dinner time quite often. He will tell them we're about to eat so please be quick or he will call back. I find it irritating, especially as MIL (and I really like my MIL) is hardly likely to be an urgent conversation. But no way would I ever react like your DP. I'd just indicate his dinner was waiting and leave it to get cold, and if we're eating together I just start without him.

Your DP of course has the right to be irritated by it, but that reaction was horrendous.

[coconutpie]

OP

He was COMPLETELY out of order, I would be livid if I were you right now. If I were your colleague, I'd be worried about you. How dare he speak to you like that, he's an absolute twat.

You were not rude to answer the phone at all! Jees, you were only gonna be gone 5 min and who cares if your dinner had cooled a bit in the meantime? It's worrying that you were in an EA relationship before and think that this is different - that is not how a normal relationship works. It is not ok for him to scream abuse at you like that.

You were not in the wrong here at all - do not apologise for taking that phone call. Delaying dinner for 5 mins is not an issue, jees there are far more important things in life to worry about. Your partner sounds like a dick, sorry.

[coconutpie]

Oh and the "get down here now" order from him is shocking, you do not speak to a partner that way.

[ImperialBlether]

You do know that he'd already eaten, don't you, TamponLady?

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

Firstly, I think Redsky's dp's behaviour was a complete overreaction - totally unnecessary and unpleasant, as OTHManatee says.

However, I do agree with the posters who have said that her behaviour was rude too. Yes, I know they weren't eating together, and yes, it was her meal that was going cold, so she'd be the one whose food wasn't as nice as it could have been - but I can see why he was upset too.

I do most of the cooking here, and it does annoy me when a meal that I have put time and effort into making, is going cold on the side in the kitchen because dh or one of the dses is faffing about elsewhere. I do try to let people know what time I'm aiming to serve the meal, and I tell them when I'm about to start dishing up, so they have won't start doing something that will take ages at the time I'm planning to serve the meal, and they have a couple of minutes warning to finish what they are doing whilst I dish up, so they can sort themselves out and are ready to take the food when it's been served.

It isn't a huge issue - more a minor annoyance - but it does make me feel as if the effort I have put into making a nice meal is not being respected.

That said, I would never, ever respond in the aggressive way the OP's dp did! I might grumble a little - and fantasise about leaving the plate close enough to the edge of the worktop that an enterprising Labrador could polish it off - but that's all.

[Clutterbugsmum]

YANBU.

You had a call from work you answered it. Your partner behaved like a complete twat. He will never apologise as he does not think he is in the wrong.

My DH is always answering the phone at dinner time (part and parcel) of his job, I either leave his dinner on the kitchen side or more often then not I take his dinner to him in his office.

[NameChange30]

Have you done the Freedom Programme? You say you were previously in an EA relationship. I'm just wondered whether you might be thinking this partner isn't "as bad" but whether you have actually missed some red flags. This is a red flag and doesn't necessarily indicate abuse if it's an isolated incident, but it may do if there are other red flags you've missed.

FWIW I think taking phone calls during dinner is rude, I would ignore the call or answer it to say I'm eating and will call back. But that doesn't in any way excuse his reaction. If he was upset or annoyed he should have waited until you finished your call to say something. And he should have said it calmly and not screamed at you

The fact that he demanded you apologise and hasn't apologised himself is very, very worrying.

[AlisonWunderland]

It wasn't a work call. It was from an ex colleague

[Quornmakesmefart]

Tamponlady so what's your take on He then screamed up 'no, you've pissed me off, I've just cooked this for you, get down here now' then?

[badtime]

In terms of unreasonableness, you were about a 3/10 and your partner was 7 or 8/10 (depends on context).

Does your partner only cook for you very occasionally and wants you to understand how special it is and how privileged you are when he does?

[Damselindestress]

It's good that you are going to talk to him about it but stop apologising! You have already acknowledged your part in the argument and apologised more than once for what IMO was a relatively small slight, no need to grovel. Now you need to address his unacceptable behaviour. And why are you texting him? Texts can easily be ignored or misconstrued as you can't tell tone as easily. Are you afraid to discuss this face to face?

[BabyGanoush]

I think your DH was 1000 times more unreasonable than you for shouting, sulking and throwing a ridiculous strop

You are unreasonable only for apologising more than once

what a wanker he is really, to treat anyone like that

[tictactoad]

I don't think you were thoughtless or selfish, OP. You are an adult and can choose whether you eat immediately or defer it to take a phone call.

Your DP is a tool and if he were mine I'd be giving the future a serious rethink.

[HooseRice]

I don't think YWBU to answer the call, you were at home, he wasn't going to be eating with you. FFS it's not like you were in a restaurant or it was Xmas dinner.

His behaviour was hugely unacceptable. I'd have thrown his precious dinner in the bin and made a sandwich later.

[laureywilliams]

It was a little rude to take the call.

He was a complete arsehole, totally out of line. Sounds horrible.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Don't text, dont chase, don't apologise again. The ball is in his court. It's up to him to decide how he puts this right.

If he doesn't come home with a huge apology tonight, sit him down and tell him clearly how massively unacceptable his behaviour was, that you will not be tolerating anything similar again and that a sincere apology is required before you can move forwards.

Why would you write an essay by text anyway? It comes across as grovelling.

Focus on what's important here, not minor points of etiquette.

[Justaboy]

I wonder .. quite what it was that triggered this if as you say he's normally easy going etc then was their something that pushed him into this well, offensive mode?.

I've seen this before. Mother here cooks dinner for the children, children dick around very fussy feeders either not wanting their food, don't like what they've got on their plate then come up with "children next door have burgers all the time why can't we" and then mum gets upset as she put love and effort into doing the cooking and now her efforts have been refused etc,

and he too put some effort into making the grub and then you in a way refused his efforts love whatever which triggered of the outburst but it did seem over the top so anything else upsetting him perhaps?.

[Notimefortossers]

goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal To each their own. Personally I do consider it rude to take a call when somebody is plating up a meal they've made for you.

But if you read my posts I did say that although she was rude his reaction way WAY over the top and outweighed her rudeness