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AIBU?

Had a row with DP. Who is BU here?

143 replies

Redskyatnight01 · 01/12/2015 21:57

DP cooked me dinner tonight which I am very grateful for. He had the day off work so he ate earlier on today.

He was just finishing cooking when an ex work colleague of mine rang my mobile. I didn't know what it was about and answered it, walked out of the kitchen to take the call & mouthed 5 mins at him.

I started to walk upstairs and he came after me yelling my name & kept yelling, I asked ex colleague to hold on for a second and shouted down to him that I'll be 5 mins, will heat it in microwave if needed. He then screamed up 'no, you've pissed me off, I've just cooked this for you, get down here now'

I was so embarrassed as he was so loud, it's obvious this woman heard everything. I apologised, said my dinner was ready and would have to call her back in 15 mins.

I went downstairs annoyed that he deliberately wouldn't stop screaming at me despite knowing I was on the phone and that he had a go at me knowing someone could hear it. He was annoyed when I went downstairs and started as soon as i got down shouting saying how rude I was to take q phone call when he was serving up my dinner etc. I said yes I know it wasn't great but that I was only going to be 5 mins and if I thought it was going to go on any longer than that I would have told this lady I would have to ring her back in 15 mins but as it was, he didn't give me the chance as he was shouting at me from the minute I picked the call up. I said I don't appreciate being told what to do like a child, he said 'don't act like a fucking child then'

We haven't spoken all night since. I came up to bed as I was fed up of the atmosphere, he followed me up, got into bed and said 'so are you going to apologise for being rude' I said 'yes, i shouldn't have picked the call up, sorry, but I'm not the only person who was rude here, you don't scream and shout at someone whilst they're on the phone'

He said he didn't care, he was pissed off and he wanted me to know about it He's turned his back to me and has now gone to sleep- in a huff.

We NEVER argue, we normally have such a loving, happy relationship. I know I was rude to take a phone call knowing he was dishing up the dinner he'd just cooked for me, but I didn't know what my ex colleague wanted and not just that but surely, as a grown adult, it's up to me whether I take a phone call and then either eat my dinner warm or heat it up in the microwave?! I don't want to be told to 'get down here now and eat this dinner I've cooked for you' like a child?!

Are we both just being unreasonable here or is it just me?

OP posts:

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Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 02/12/2015 00:27

Also, did he know who you were on the phone to?

Could have been your boss for example, and then how would that have impacted on your current job/future career. Abusive men have a knack for wrecking careers and it is never their own.

Kampeki · 02/12/2015 00:33

It's just a meal FFS! People need to lighten up a bit! They weren't going to eat together anyway, so what's the big deal if the OP isn't ready immediately?

I often cook for DH and then find he isn't ready for it. It's no big deal, if it needs re-heating afterwards, he knows where the microwave is. Life's too short to get het up about trivia like this.

The fact that he behaved as he did would be a massive red flag for me, OP. Firstly, because he thinks that it's ok to scream at you like that (regardless of whether you were rude or not, actually), and secondly because he seems to think that doing you a small favour like cooking your dinner gives him a free pass to behave like an arsehole.

You are not the unreasonable one in this situation! How long have you been together?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/12/2015 00:34

The rudeness isn't in actually answering the phone so much, but the walking off and away, instead of saying "sorry, just about to eat, can I call you back please?"

MoriartyIsMyAngel · 02/12/2015 01:31

Well, taking the call was rude, but nowhere near as rude as what he did. Most parents know the feeling of making food for their kids/DPs and of the food just sitting there getting cold for some reason or other. It would never have occurred to me to chase them through the house shouting at them. It's just a meal!

If this has never happened before, I'd draw a line under it, but remember that it happened. It could be a genuine one-off (though the continued sulking isn't a good sign tbh) or it could be the start of seeing who he really is. Some people can put on a charming front for years...

MangosteenSoda · 02/12/2015 01:57

Would all of you phone ignorers also not pick up a landline either, just leaving it to ring out for ages?

Nothing wrong with answering and letting the caller know you will call them back later.

I'd be a bit peeved with the disappearing off upstairs, but it's definitely not shout worthy, especially as you were not planning to eat together anyway.

And speaking to you like a child...

Pandora97 · 02/12/2015 02:16

I agree with SGB. Regardless of whether what you did was rude or not (don't have an opinion either way and don't think what you did is that big a deal) his reaction was WAY over the top. Honestly, he sounds a bit scary to just suddenly lose it like that and come after you saying "get down here now." WTF?! Like another poster said, that is very controlling. I get the impression that he thinks because he cooked for you, he is Mr. Wonderful and you should immediately bow down to his greatness and do as he says.

I'd be very wary after this. I hope he apologises for the completely unnecessary aggression.

BowiesJumper · 02/12/2015 02:53

Err, really weird over reaction on his part. I would be LIVID if my husband spoke to me like that and especially in front of someone else.

Schubertlemons · 02/12/2015 04:26

I haven't read the whole thread so apologise if I'm duplicating, but what did he cook? Hopefully not a souffle!

Was there anything else going on in the background eg work stress, to cause him to behave out of character?

And yes, it's totally rude and unacceptable to take a phone call when someone has gone to the trouble of cooking for you. He had put a lot of thought and love into the meal and you threw it back into his face so he felt rejected and a low priority in your life - sounds like he is.

BoxofSnails · 02/12/2015 04:58

It drives me crazy that DH answers the phone at any point during dinner. It happens at least weekly and I find it really rude. I'm the cook - and I spend time and energy and love - and it's our time to catch up once a day.

However your DP's reaction to it was awful, and his inability to apologise or reflect on his behaviour is worse. Dealbreaker worse, in my view, if this is a pattern.

EleanorRigsby · 02/12/2015 05:54

Seems to me you are both BU. but you have apologized but he has not taken that olive branch and also apologized for his terrible behavior. So presently I think he is being a total ass.

JeanSeberg · 02/12/2015 06:10

Two traits he does have though that I dislike that he displayed tonight....he CAN be arrogant and he CAN be self righteous

Be honest with yourself, things aren't as perfect as you want to believe. Hopefully you have no kids yet so easier to go your separate ways if things continue in this vein.

Wtfmummy · 02/12/2015 06:12

I think you are in the wrong here. It would totally fuck me off if my DH took a call if I was dishing up a meal I had cooked for him. To be fair though, mobile phones and peoples attachments to them is one of my biggest peeves.

I expect he was looking forward to seeing you and cooking for you and then you tell him to wait 5 mins whilst you have a chat - that would really piss me off too.

Granted he shouldn't have shouted but people do when they are hurt or pissed off. You're just embarrassed that your ex colleague heard.

ValancyJane · 02/12/2015 06:29

I had this exact situation last week, ex colleague rang just as DP was about to dish up dinner. He waved at me and mouthed 'it's ready' when it was dished up, I apologised for taking the call but had wanted to check it wasn't important and then we giggled over how Sybil Fawlty-like Id been on the phone "oh I know... I know..."

YANBU, no excuse for him speaking to you like that! If he was miffed there are ways to say that, and you've apologised anyway. I would be willing to bet the person you were on the phone to is now quite worried about you.

Enjolrass · 02/12/2015 06:32

I think you are both unreasonable.

Walking off when someone has just cooked you a meal and saying 'it can be warmed up' is pretty shit and it would annoy me.

However he was really unreasonable in his reaction and the fact that he is carrying it on.

And yes I ignore the landline when it rings during dinner.

Dh was taking a business call from someone we both know goes on and on and on and sat and ate his dinner while talking to him. It really pissed me off. We don't take calls from him within an hour of dinner anymore

Groovee · 02/12/2015 06:43

You both are unreasonable.

scallopsrgreat · 02/12/2015 06:51

Did you shout at him, chase him around the house and demand he get off the phone and then follow that up by shouting some more, Enjolrass?

How anyone can think the two of them displayed equivalent behaviours is beyond me. Yes taking a phone call when dinner is served is annoying but as someone else up thread said if I'd been the woman on the end of the phone and heard your partner then I'd have been worried for you OP.

Also you didn't behave like a child. The fact he thinks you did is very telling as to how he sees himself in relation to you.

BrandNewAndImproved · 02/12/2015 06:56

I'm really surprised at the posters on your husbands side.

It's not like he had a candle lit dinner for two set up fgs. I'd of thrown the plate of dinner over him if he had spoken to me like that. Fuck that don't be a doormat, that's not a healthy relationship stand up for yourself.

I bet you meekly went and ate your dinner all the while apologising and he's getting off on being the wronged party.

YohY · 02/12/2015 06:59

I think the reaction was out of proportion
But yes it is rude to answer calls when dinner is being served

diddl · 02/12/2015 07:16

I know that he had already eaten, but would he have sat with you whilst you ate?

If so I think that you were very rude to take the call & walk away.

If not, meh, it's not as if you would have thrown the food away!

I think as an adult if someone has put food on the table you can decide whether to rush there immediately or not tbh.

In either event his behaviour was disgusting!

CassieBearRawr · 02/12/2015 07:57

You were rude. But his reaction was unbelievably over the top.

If you think this is genuinely out of character for him then I'd be concerned that there's something wrong and would be wanting him to tell me what what's wrong.

If this if just an escalation of those 'unpleasant traits' then I'd be equally concerned - for myself.

Only you know your own relationship and which one is more likely.

Hamishandthefoxes · 02/12/2015 08:10

I think his behaviour was totally out of line and yours wasn't that bad at all. DH and I both have jobs where we are expected to be on call to work in the evening and we're both paid accordingly.

It happens sometimes that one if other of us will be phoned during dinner and the other just gets on with eating with the children.

I would be beyond furious if dh ever behaved remotely like your h when I was on a work call and it would not be me apologising.

goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal · 02/12/2015 08:11

Wow, your "D"H is a total fucking knob end from the sounds of it.

The "don't act like one then" comment would have had me leaving the house tbh. So according to him, you not acting like a child is to unquestioningly obey him? And to meekly accept being totally humiliated in front of a colleague on the phone? I'm surprised you ate the dinner to be honest.

If I were your colleague I would be bloody embarrassed for you. Also, I would forevermore consider your dp to be a massive twat.

Frankly, I don't even see anything wrong with you taking the call. It's not like you were mid meal. It could have been important, or an emergency.

It's not like he was even waiting for you to eat. What fucking difference does it make to him whether you eat it that second or not?

I cook in our house. It is mildly annoying when DH starts faffing around just as dinner is ready, but it's not the end of the world. If he was getting a bit too chatty on the phone I would - LIKE A NORMAL PERSON - politely interrupt and quietly tell him to either wind it up, or call them back after dinner.

I wouldn't order him about and speak to him like a child, and NEVER shout at him whilst on the phone, because that's how a total cunt behaves.

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SSargassoSea · 02/12/2015 08:12

You were rude but so are 99.9% of the adult population imo, when it comes to phones, txting etc

So he was a complete arsehole imo - more to this than meets the eye imv as his behaviour was ridiculously over the top. How did he know that she wasnt' informing you that someone had just died in a car crash or some other important stuff.

There is a fault in your DH's make up which you need to think about it.
ARe you more successful at work than he is?
Are you too friendly with your colleagues in his view?
Has he just been looked over for promotion or you just been promoted?

MyMoneyIsAllSpent · 02/12/2015 08:15

He was very much out of line. I don't think you accepting the call was so bad, if you had talked for half an hour I would think you were being rude, but would only have told you so. Screaming, shouting and embarrassing you like that was very wrong.

If he did that ever again, it would be the end for me.

DoreenLethal · 02/12/2015 08:16

I cook most evenings, because I love cooking, and my OH gets in from work at varying times and I usually wait until he is in to eat. It doesn't bother me and I like to cook just the one meal in an evening. Sometimes he comes in and I've got to dish up soon and he might take a call, nip to the loo, whatever and I just dish it up a few minutes later. No big deal.

If I am really really hungry I'll pop it in the oven and put the oven on low for him to get when he is ready.

We don't have a microwave but I'd never talk to him like that.

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