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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you can't offer someone accommodation you shouldn't expect them to take turns visiting?

64 replies

GoldAlmond · 01/12/2015 06:50

My friend of 10years still lives with her parents. We are both in our 30s. She usually visits me 3-4x year and I make a big effort to be a great host. I make guestroom welcoming (it's a big room with ensuite) organise trips, get special food in, cook and also treat her to meals out, trips etc as she's always broke. I also pay her petrol every other visit. I feel this makes up for her having to do the travelling.

Recently she complained I never visit her. I pointed out she has nowhere for me to stay as her parents don't allow visitors! She said I should get a hotel! I looked into it, cheapest hotel near her is £60 a night and I can't justify a few nights at that cost on top of travel costs. I suggested we share a hotel room and go halves but she said no, she can't afford that! There is a guesthouse about 15miles from her but it has shared bathrooms and there's no way I'm sharing showers with strangers or queuing for loo in night!

AIBU?

OP posts:
CousinChloe · 01/12/2015 06:53

Not at all!

Offering the petrol money half the time is already very generous, I don't think you need to do any more. It would be different if she could host you herself, but she can't. Staying in a hotel in your own is in no way the same as coming to visit!

Gileswithachainsaw · 01/12/2015 06:53

Yanbu.

what's up with her parents that an adult woman can't sleep there whilst visiting an adult friend.

I'd understand if there was physio room but I'm assuming you'd just share the double bed she has as that's what I do.

do you have form fir diva tantrums and trashing houses or something?

Gileswithachainsaw · 01/12/2015 06:53

physically no room

god knows what auto correct was thinking

IwishIwasinNewYork · 01/12/2015 07:04

You're not BU, but I can actually see it from her point of view.

As she has no experience of hosting she really hasn't a clue a) how much hard work it is before and during having people to stay and b) the bloody enormous expense! I have people in my life who i Know really don't realise all this.

On the other hand, you are the one with the lovely house, spare bedroom and ensuite, she is the one living with her parents and she just thinks, why doesn't my friend every come to ME?

RabbitSaysWoof · 01/12/2015 07:14

She must see you as the wealthy grown up one having a house, booking events and paying for her petrol. She doesn't understand your not actually rich.

IwishIwasinNewYork · 01/12/2015 07:23

Yes and also it sounds like the two of you are playing out a bit of funny old dynamic here - her the sulky, jealous friend stamping her feet and expecting to be hosted and petrol paid for and for you to come to her and stay in a hotel; you the guilty 'privileged' friend bending over backwards to accommodate her literally and figuratively to the point of paying her petrol.

Maybe it's time to see and treat her as you do everyone else in your life. It might mean you drift apart a bit for a few years but this isn't really fair on you at all.

pinkdelight · 01/12/2015 07:56

Are her parents never away on hol? Can't you go and visit then, then you'll get her bed and she sleeps in their room? If that won't work, can't you go for one night? Given the expense of her visiting you, it couldn't be that much more to pay £60. I do think she's BU though. Maybe let it drift...

pinkdelight · 01/12/2015 07:58

Or couldn't she give up her bedroom for you and she sleeps in lounge on blow-up or whatever? That's what her being a host would entail. If she's up for that, give it a whirl. She might drop the idea in future.

whois · 01/12/2015 08:01

Her parents don't allow visitors? WTF? Is there some reason why she has to live with her parents and be looked after by her friend so much?

Couple of options - she gives up her room, you share the bed, share the room but she sleeps on a blow up on he floor and you have the bed, go when her parents awe away.

How old is she? She sounds about 14!

pinkdelight · 01/12/2015 08:17

Right so if her parents don't allow visitors, you can't visit then can you? Simple as that. Going to stay in a hotel isn't visiting her. She wouldn't be hosting you at all. She does sound immature.

Backawaynow2 · 01/12/2015 08:23

Wow you pay her petrol? Why? She sounds lazy and entitled and sorry but you and her parents are treating her like a child.

You paying for her and planning treats sounds like you are her gran and she's a grandchild coming for a treat.

Eliza22 · 01/12/2015 08:42

The balance of this (adult?) friendship sounds very odd. Is there a reason for this? It sounds like you're her care worker.

shazzarooney99 · 01/12/2015 08:44

I would say if you want me to sty i can sleep in your room, otherwise i cannot pay £60 for one night in a hotel, i would also say would you like it if i said ou could stay in a hotel instead of my home?

TheLambShankRedemption · 01/12/2015 08:49

I am trying to see it from her perspective in this post to see if that assists your thinking.

It sounds as if you are living a good distance apart.

If so, then being the one always having to do the travelling is a PITA, irrespective of costs. It is boring and tiring. You spend money on refreshments too. She's done all of this travelling for 10 years.

If you went once a year and gave up paying half for her travelling twice a year, then that's your own travelling expenses covered, so you would be neutral on travel costs.

If you stay two nights @£60 per night, the costs you spend out on nice food, drink and extras (which won't be cheap) when she stays with you are removed for one visit, so these costs can be offset against the hotel.

I appreciate that you seem to go to great lengths to make her welcome and negate some of her costs as she has done all of the travelling, and that is lovely of you. However, I do think that if you travel a good distance, it is really tiring and 'dead time'. To have a friend never put themselves out to do that bit seems to be bothering her. It is also a bit 'one way' in so far as if the friendship continues, it is on your terms. That imbalance isn't great.

Surely doing the travelling once a year or once every other year wouldn't hurt? YABU to never have done it in 10 years, in spite of being lovely and generous to her when she visits.

Arfarfanarf · 01/12/2015 08:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OnlyLovers · 01/12/2015 09:15

Stop paying her petrol, giving her a five-star experience and acting as an unpaid holiday rep. She's taking the piss.

blobbityblob · 01/12/2015 09:26

I can see both sides really. You're obviously very generous when she comes to you.

But it's an effort to go and see somebody else sometimes, no matter how nice the guest room is.

I think it's reasonable to make the effort back, once in a while, for a good friend. Maybe not as often if it's costly. I could kip on a sofa or the floor with a sleeping bag though and would have no problem sharing a bathroom in a b&b.

FellOffMyUnicorn · 01/12/2015 09:28

so you pay for her petrol, you buy her food, arrange trips out, pay for her when you are out and you give her somewhere nice to sleep, and she wants you to pay for your own hotel room, yeah that'll be nice Hmm

so what if she is travelling, i would happily travel for that kind of service...

i'd let her go if i was you....just gently defriend..

FellOffMyUnicorn · 01/12/2015 09:28

she should treat you as well as you are treating her, ie... put herself out

louisejxxx · 01/12/2015 09:31

I would have to say to her "that's fine, I'll come and stay in the hotel near to you...but I won't be able to pay your petrol any more"...she probably won't understand why as she doesn't seem to have much of an incline about what is reasonable to expect people to afford, but I'd do it any way.

Preciousxbane · 01/12/2015 09:34

I stay with a friend who has never stayed at my house but pay my own petrol and always bowl up with flowers, wine and also chocolate for her DC. I think she is cheeky tbh.

littlemermaid80 · 01/12/2015 09:37

She sounds like a user tbh. YANBU.

Out of interest, why is she "always broke" if she lives with her parents ?
And why do her parents insist on no visitors?!

I think another poster mentioned this already but how old is she, 12??

scarlets · 01/12/2015 09:39

I feel sorry for her. She sounds pathetic. She needs her own place and a better job. None of this is your problem though. Keep inviting her and if she refuses, so be it.

Original poster
GoldAlmond · 01/12/2015 09:43

Her parents are elderly and have health issues and it's a 2-bed cottage so I get why they don't want overnight guests. I would be ok sleeping on living room floor but it's not an option.

She was at uni for 3years (mature student) and had a room in halls, but I didn't visit her there as her bathroom was shared between 10 students! She thinks it's U that I care about things like that, but I don't want to have to queue for loo/shower after a 5-hour drive! She still brings it up that I didn't visit her at uni.

I feel irritated that she doesn't appreciate the effort and expense I go to when she visits. Agree with a pp she probably doesn't realise what hosting entails.

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 01/12/2015 09:51

I have to say I think you sound a bit precious about sharing/waiting for bathrooms. But I wouldn't still be bringing up not visiting at uni –she needs to let it go.

Just stop rolling out the red carpet for her. If she's still as keen to visit you then, she's a proper friend.

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