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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you can't offer someone accommodation you shouldn't expect them to take turns visiting?

64 replies

GoldAlmond · 01/12/2015 06:50

My friend of 10years still lives with her parents. We are both in our 30s. She usually visits me 3-4x year and I make a big effort to be a great host. I make guestroom welcoming (it's a big room with ensuite) organise trips, get special food in, cook and also treat her to meals out, trips etc as she's always broke. I also pay her petrol every other visit. I feel this makes up for her having to do the travelling.

Recently she complained I never visit her. I pointed out she has nowhere for me to stay as her parents don't allow visitors! She said I should get a hotel! I looked into it, cheapest hotel near her is £60 a night and I can't justify a few nights at that cost on top of travel costs. I suggested we share a hotel room and go halves but she said no, she can't afford that! There is a guesthouse about 15miles from her but it has shared bathrooms and there's no way I'm sharing showers with strangers or queuing for loo in night!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Arfarfanarf · 01/12/2015 09:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FellOffMyUnicorn · 01/12/2015 09:53

you dont like sharing a bathroom with strangers!!, theres nothing wrong with that ffs

what do you get out of this relationship?

Stillunexpected · 01/12/2015 09:54

Why are you friends with her? Do you enjoy spending time together?

hibbleddible · 01/12/2015 09:59

Wow, she sounds pretty cheeky.

Staying in a hotel near her is not visiting her.

All you can say is that you would be happy to visit her, if you could stay with her.

This friendship sounds pretty one sided.

What effort does she make for you?

ExitPursuedByABear · 01/12/2015 10:01

I'm with you OP on not wanting to share a bathroom with strangers. In my younger days it didn't bother me, but I the older I get the less it appeals.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 01/12/2015 10:02

Completely agree with OnlyLovers post at 9:15

Stop paying for her petrol for her to visit you. She should be able to cover those costs herself if she really wanted to visit (or she could pay to stay in a hotel using her own advice )

Just wondering, if you didn't pay for her petrol, put her up and do all the things you usually arrange for her when she does visit, would she still make the effort to visit you? If the answer to that is no, then she's not a 'friend', she's more of an acquaintance imo.

ChopsticksandChilliCrab · 01/12/2015 10:04

YANBU. If she can't host you she should be paying for your hotel room if she wants you to visit.

When we had a small house we paid for my parents to stay in a local hotel as they had paid for the journey but we couldn't put them up.

She sounds like a thoughtless friend. It is the behaviour I would expect of a much younger person.

And I wouldn't want to share a bathroom with strangers either, let alone a multitude of them.

Kintan · 01/12/2015 11:14

I do think it is a bit unreasonable for her to want you to come if she can't host you. Is she living with her parents because she is unemployed - is that why she is so broke? The fact that she expects you to get a hotel without offering to contribute to the costs, and is happy to be put up by you and have her travel expenses partly paid by you makes me think that she assumes you have unlimited funds. Perhaps you could set her straight about that and see what she says.

zeetea · 01/12/2015 11:22

She sounds immature and ungrateful, not a particularly great friend. Sure she's the one driving to see you, but she doesn't have any idea what you're doing for her as your guest and the hotel idea is a slap in the face.
Do you really love her as a friend or is your relationship just pottering along for the sake of it? You could maybe explain how you feel and what you do for her to see what her reaction is, and go from there. Paying for her petrol on top of everything is more than generous, I would happily drive 5 hours to stay with you for a weekend! Grin
Suggest to her that she start paying you for the luxury of staying there, you're more welcoming than any hotel, she won't like that! (for what it's worth I definitely wouldn't be okay sharing a bathroom with 10 strangers either!)

Original poster
GoldAlmond · 01/12/2015 11:30

Littlemermaid, she's 32! She's always 'saving up' for things (car repairs, owes parents money, holidays, college courses etc therefore never has any spending money)! I don't mind paying for her when she's a guest in my house but I don't want to travel all that way, fork out for a hotel then find we can't do anything because she has no money (or end up paying for both of us)!

OP posts:
FellOffMyUnicorn · 01/12/2015 11:30

can i come and stay you, you sound lovely

lorelei9 · 01/12/2015 12:01

she's being unreasonable
btw I have a friend who was in a crazy flatshare till recently - long story! - and because she stayed with me so often and I cooked a nice dinner and breakfast etc (don't have a spare room, she slept on sofa) she kept taking me out for dinner till I said "honey, save your money to get out of there"! If I were your friend I'd be worried that i was never treating you, not expecting to you stay in a nearby hotel!

I don't think it's experience of things so much as attitude - some people do't agree that £60 for the hotel would be a lot, even if she does understand what your finances are, people just have different expectations and it annoys me too, on the money front.

I won't threadjack but once had a situation where a friend in her 30s, with children, was cross with me that I wouldn't stay late at hers and kip on the floor - I wanted to get home and she found that odd. I could not for the life of me understand why it was so odd that I wanted to go home and had to leave about an hour before we would have stopped chatting anyway!

goodnightdarthvader1 · 01/12/2015 12:06

She sounds like she needs to grow the fuck up, tbh.

Daisysbear · 01/12/2015 12:12

She sounds really immature. She should appreciate all the trouble you go to so that she has a nice time when she stays in your house, instead of whinging and whining that you don't also fork out to stay in a hotel to convenience her. If anything, she should feel bad that she can't reciprocate your hospitality.

LuciaInFurs · 01/12/2015 12:17

Yanbu. Not wanting to share bathrooms with strangers is not unreasonable, I don't even like sharing a bathroom with my husband. You tried to meet her in the middle by offering to split the cost of a hotel and she said no. What else can you do?

Yes, it's unfortunate that she still lives at home and doesn't have her own place, but this has nothing to do with you.

Backawaynow2 · 01/12/2015 12:24

Op normally this relationship is one you have with a teenager that you have birth to and therefore put up with as you love them.Grin

Why on earth are you spending any time with this woman child.

2rebecca · 01/12/2015 13:33

Agree that this friendship is maybe coming to an end and it sounds more like a parent teenager relationship than equals having fun together.

expatinscotland · 01/12/2015 13:45

'I have to say I think you sound a bit precious about sharing/waiting for bathrooms.'

A lot of people don't like that set up. Nothing to do with being precious, just a personal preference.

This friend sounds really immature and cheeky and a user. I'd scale back these 5-star visits. But she doesn't bother to make the effort once you do.

OnlyLovers · 01/12/2015 14:07

Wotever. I just don't think it's a massive problem to have to wait for a bathroom or share one. You're only pissing, pooing and showering in it, same as anyone else.

But anyway, that was a passing comment, not really the point, and I think the OP should call a halt to the friend's piss-taking, as I've already said.

lorelei9 · 01/12/2015 14:37

oh I find sharing bathrooms grim. One of the reasons I can't wait to retire is not having to use office loos anymore!! I did use shared bathrooms when I was travelling (in my early 20s) but no way would I share one with "everyone else in the hotel" now. I saw some grim things then too - ugh.

2rebecca · 01/12/2015 14:47

Sharing bathrooms doesn't bother me, but if I was meeting up with a close friend and wasn't actually staying with her then we'd probably just meet somewhere interesting half way between our houses and get a twin room somewhere nice for a couple of nights.
It doesn't sound as though children or spouses are involved here.

Micah · 01/12/2015 14:57

I'd understand if there was physio room but I'm assuming you'd just share the double bed she has as that's what I do

How do you know she has a double bed?

Sorry but re-read all the posts several times and cannot see where it says she has a double? Am I going mad?

Original poster
GoldAlmond · 01/12/2015 15:23

Micah I don't know what size bed she has... haven't been in her bedroom. I wouldn't want to share a bed with anyone other than DH. But I don't mind kipping on floor for an odd night or using an air-bed.

I do love her as a friend and she's great company, kind, entertaining, funny. We've supported each other emotionally through lots of ups and downs. But sadly I think we'll end up drifting if she keeps on about me visiting her.

OP posts:
howabout · 01/12/2015 15:44

Sounds like you don't want to visit her tbh and are only happy when the accommodation / food / entertainment meets the standards you rather than she can afford. It seems a bit odd that the cost of half an hotel room for a couple of nights is a deal breaker given how you manage the imbalance in your finances generally.

Prior to having DC I had a big house and lots of friends raising families in small houses. It was no big deal for me to host them and provide the treats. It was also no big deal for me to visit them in a nearby hotel so there was more room and not to interfere with DC bedtimes etc. We never got into petrol money negotiations.

OnlyLovers · 01/12/2015 15:47

howabout, that's hilarious if a bit Hmm.

You really think it's OK that the OP spends the money and effort she does when the friend visits her, and then is expected to spend MORE money to visit the friend?

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