To think if you can't offer someone accommodation you shouldn't expect them to take turns visiting?

[GoldAlmond]

My friend of 10years still lives with her parents. We are both in our 30s. She usually visits me 3-4x year and I make a big effort to be a great host. I make guestroom welcoming (it's a big room with ensuite) organise trips, get special food in, cook and also treat her to meals out, trips etc as she's always broke. I also pay her petrol every other visit. I feel this makes up for her having to do the travelling.

Recently she complained I never visit her. I pointed out she has nowhere for me to stay as her parents don't allow visitors! She said I should get a hotel! I looked into it, cheapest hotel near her is £60 a night and I can't justify a few nights at that cost on top of travel costs. I suggested we share a hotel room and go halves but she said no, she can't afford that! There is a guesthouse about 15miles from her but it has shared bathrooms and there's no way I'm sharing showers with strangers or queuing for loo in night!

AIBU?

Yes, if she has plenty of money and the friend doesn't.

I would have very few friends if I insisted on going halves with my expensive tastes all the time.

How does the OP have 'expensive tastes'?

She tries to be a good host – cooks nice things and arranges nice trips and things to do.

The friend gets her petrol paid for her half the time on top of all this. In return she can't even fork out for the occasional hotel room, AND makes the OP feel bad for not visiting her?

I hate to go against the grain, but I do think you're being unfair.

The thing about hosting is that it's essentially a gift. So when you buy in nice food, etc, you can't make a person appreciate it, although it's nice if they do. No one owes you anything because you got a house with a guest room. Also, it's not fair to turn your nose up at what someone else gives you, which is kind of what you're doing by telling her you aren't happy to visit her, because the hosting isn't adequate.

I stay in hotels close to friends when they can't provide what I want (a night unbroken by baby crying, a cleaner bathroom, a room with blackout curtains). I don't think that's an unreasonable cost. It shows I'm willing to travel, and that I want to be part of their life, not have them only be part of mine. It's a way of accepting my friends for who they are.

I haven't ever paid a friend's expenses for visiting me, though. I've only accepted that sort of thing once, and that was, well, a gentleman of independent means. I think that saying you're happy to visit her, but she must pay her own way to visit you, would be more than fair.

Also, could you not do some cheaper activities? I've had long periods when money was tight, and really appreciated my friends suggesting free art gallery trips, home cooked food, etc, which was much more pleasant than having others pay for what I can't afford.

I think it's worth making an effort, because she's your friend!

I would say ok next time I will stay at hotel insist on having all the meals at her house , so she gets chance at hosting. Make it clear that if you are paying for hotel Thera no money for extras. So just use hotel as place to sleep then hang out at hers the whole time.
If she wants to spend time with you it will go well. If she just wants to appreciate all free outings nice meals and treats without having to do the traveling you know where you stand.

You can't invite someone to stay for the weekend when you have nowhere for them to stay.

You cannot invite someone to come and stay in a hotel near you unless you are offering to pay for that hotel. She's not.

You cannot force someone to come and stay in a hotel near you and pay for it themselves. Obviously.

You could suggest that you both stay in a hotel elsewhere - which you've done and she's refused.

So she needs to shut up about it, frankly, or you just need to ignore it. If she is not day-trip distance, then it's a shame but not your fault that she's the one who has to travel.

I visit friends and stay locally in a hotel - family too - we'd never see them otherwise. I think it's completely normal would go - you'd be cost neutral on petrol and then some of your entertaining money would go towards the hotel. You could surely eat at her house mostly. I think the friendship is on her terms financially and yours practically. Sadly, the two imbalances don't seem to cancel out.

I think you're being a bit unfair. Just because you are better off financially, it doesn't mean that she should be the one who has to make all the effort to travel. If you really cared about her, you'd stop turning your nose up at her lifestyle and book into a b and b, even if you have to share a bathroom. On the other hand, she shouldn't be expecting you to pay for her petrol. She needs to pay her own way, and you need to share in the effort to see each other. Otherwise, the friendship won't last.

It's not that the accommodation doesn't meet my standards... the accommodation doesn't exist! I would have to book a hotel and we would probably spend most of the time there since her parents don't like visitors.

I don't have expensive tastes, but if I'm visiting a long-distance friend I would expect somewhere to sleep and to be made welcome. We don't have lots of disposable income, so a 2-night hotel stay would need to be budgeted for.

I agree hosting is a gift. It's the little touches that make people feel welcome- clean bedding, nice food, carefully planned trips (yes we go to free places too). You can't really host if you have nowhere for someone to stay! I got impression she thinks we could both hang out in my hotel room.

Harshbuttrue, I don't mind paying for her petrol every other visit. I feel that's fair since she's the one travelling. But I would hate to stay in a grotty b&b with a bathroom shared between strangers! Imagine having to queue for the shower or Dettol the loo-seat before every use. I get up to wee at least 3x a night!

Gold, fair enough. I feel as if some posters haven't read your post - you pay for petrol on half the visits and you pay for her to go out for meals etc.

so likelihood is that if you went, found an acceptable Travelodge etc, she'd expect you to pay for trips out and you'd only have a small hotel room to hang in. She just isn't in a situation where she can realistically expect you to visit more than once a year or something and in that case I'd say she still needs to find a place that you can hang out which isn't a tiny hotel room.

You could check on YHA near her, they sometimes have own bathroom, but I totally take your point overall. I also think you should talk to her about it and ask if she has thought about it in terms of how much it will cost and what the practicalities are.

If you haven't travelled to the area where she lives in 10 years then that is a bit crap really.

Even if you are not staying at her parents' house, she might like to be the one arranging places to go or restaurants in her area so you can get a feel of her roots.

If you are not prepared to go ever, you need to tell her soon so she has the choice to shut up about it or stop doing so much travelling for a friend who won't ever visit her in her hometown.

For the refusal to ever travel to her in 10 years, it is a clear YABU from me.

Hosting is very hard work and very expensive. So far I haven't read anything that makes it seem as if you even enjoy these weekends. However, if you do then I suggest you cut them down to twice a year, once at yours and once in the vicinity of hers. Check out Airbnb or similar for good places to stay and if you are off season it should be reasonable.

Expect her to plan the weekend including where you go to eat and no subbing her. She's an adult,more at her like one and she might start behaving like one.

I can see both sides of this. I do understand not wanting to share a bathroom with strangers but I really think you should have sucked it up at least once and visited her at uni. Obviously too late to do anything about that now, but I can understand why she's miffed.

There's no need to be paying for outings when she visits you, just stay home, drink wine, and cook some interesting recipes together while having a nice chat. Surely she's coming to enjoy your fabulous company not to be taken on lots of outings.

She obviously desperately needs to get out of her parents house, and the moment she does it's going to be a massive improvement for your friendship. In the meantime I think it's worth making the trip just once and seeing how it pans out. If you can't hang out at her parents house then go for some nice walks in the country or something. It sounds like making the gesture just once would really mean a lot to her, and it might be enough to prove that it really doesn't work that well with you staying in a hotel and she won't want to do it again.

I think you sound like a lovely caring friend, and I completely understand why it seems ridiculous to drive all that way to spend loads of money on a hotel when it's going to be difficult doing stuff together and it's just so much easier at your house, but I think it's worth making the gesture just to show you're willing. If it's a disaster and she keeps nagging you to do it really often then have a rethink, but you won't know until you've tried it.

isthatpoisontoo
The OP didn't say she's not happy to visit her friend because the hosting isn't adequate. She said she would be happy to sleep on the friend's floor but that's not an option. The friend isn't offering any kind of hosting and expects OP to pay for a hotel, which she can't afford.