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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu not to write from mum & dad

129 replies

elf0508 · 30/11/2015 18:05

My partner doesn't want to buy anything for our son for Christmas and expects me to write from mum and dad on his gifts. WTF. Why would I? I've spent time and money choosing a gift and wrapping it why should he get credit too?Angry

OP posts:
Pipbin · 30/11/2015 21:14

This is very wrong and you know it.

Everything that you have put in your posts is really just you saying out loud what you have been thinking in your head all along.

I do kind of see what his Dad means. Your son won't know that it's christmas so what is the point.

You know that he is treating you, and your son, badly. Children his age don't need expensive flashy toys, but they do need something. You shouldn't be hiding toys from his dad.

ShowMeTheWonder · 30/11/2015 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DeepBlueLake · 30/11/2015 21:19

This is a very unhealthy relationship. He is not just a tight wad but also financially abusive.

I grew up in a single parent household and whilst it was not ideal, its 100X better than growing up in a abusive one.

I would be thinking of plans how to get out this relationship, womens refuge if you have too.

ForCh1na · 30/11/2015 21:27

If social services find out your child has no toys he will be taken into care
Don't say stupid shit like this.

You can be scathing all you like but I actually know a baby taken into care because he was being raised in an abusive household - one of the main findings regarding him was that he had no toys. He used to sit and stare at his fingers.

He seemed autistic when he came into care, OP - it's because he had been severely neglected and never given the opportunity to play.

You are part of the neglect right now. You need to get out or at least get him to someone who can look after him properly if you're not prepared to leave.

Borninthe60s · 30/11/2015 21:28

I don't know how old your son is but he is suffering from neglect by his father and you are allowing this to happen. He absolutely should be allowed toys and to put them in his mouth etc. That is the way children learn.

Potatoface2 · 30/11/2015 21:30

he sounds awful .....what a nob!

IronGolem · 30/11/2015 21:58

elf Is there a Sure Start centre or other children's centre near you? I think it would be a great idea to take him to one. Have you ever taken him? How is he around toys there?

Jux · 30/11/2015 23:12

Ring Women's Aid and chat to them. See what you think after that. Don't minimise to them, tell the bald truth.

DixieNormas · 30/11/2015 23:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheTigerIsOut · 30/11/2015 23:20

Many children don't haveuch contact with one parent and they are not neglected.

Toys do not need to be expensive, there are plenty if baby groups and even toy libraries in city libraries, and even if they aren't you can get nice toys for pennies in charity shops.

So the question is, how are you coping OP? Are you ok and able to provide enough stimulation for your son or do you need a bit of help? If so, don't be embarrased to ask for it, sure Star Centres are a good place to star. Or talk to your health visitor.

TheTigerIsOut · 30/11/2015 23:21

SureStart centres are a good place to start, meant to say.

SiegeofEnnis · 30/11/2015 23:36

Before you can get away, OP, and there's no question that you need to, for your own sake and your son's, yes, see if you can go regularly to a Sure Start centre, or even a local baby/toddler group, so your son can play the way children are supposed to, without an adult clearly finding every movement of theirs wrong or irritating.

And if he doesn't have toys at home, encourage him to play with all the interesting things that are in the house - let him take safe things out of low cupboards, stack and bang saucepans, take the cushions off the sofa to make a den, make up a box of things with different textures, play with water, bake etc etc. At 18 months - with a frankly mad amount of toys, as an only grandchild - my son used to love scrunching tinfoil and playing with saucepans and and had one cupboard of Tupperware and lunchboxes etc he was allowed to empty. You can make playdough with water and flour easily, too.

But that's just an interim suggestion. You and your little boy are worth far more than this half-life. This is an abusive relationship, and the most appalling thing about your posts is how little you obviously feel you deserve, and how resigned to being mistreated you are.

MargaretCabbage · 30/11/2015 23:42

This sounds very sad. You shouldn't have to hide your child's toys from his dad.

Children don't often play with them how you would expect them to - my DS (10 months) mostly likes to bash things together and pat them to make a noise! I wouldn't worry if your DS doesn't quite get his basketball hoop yet.

You say your DS doesn't do much all day, what do you mean? Do you go to baby groups or the library at all?

maddening · 30/11/2015 23:44

This sounds so wrong from what you have written - definitely give the thought of what having the joy sucked out of life unnecessarily will be like over time for both you and dc.

Also get to some toddler groups to get some play opportunities - 18 mth olds do just explore, bash and throw - that is normal.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 30/11/2015 23:47

Fuck me. My DS threw and bashed things and broke some stuff too. It's what normal children do. Your son is almost certainly not autistic but starting to show signs of neglect. Not from you. From the secrecy and hiding the two of you have to do because of your DP.
I used to run a baby and toddler group. We had a very low fee that we waived if we thought it was right. They have toys. Why do you have Sky and BT?
You need support to start the process of leaving this man. A bad father IS NOT better than no father. Think about what you'd do if it were just you and DS. How much less secrecy and fear there would be. Tiny things that could bring joy?

Cabrinha · 01/12/2015 00:33

You sound very young and work out and ground down and lacking confidence.

I remember when my child was that age, I had no idea what toys they would enjoy!

Don't feel bad if you're unsure - get along to play group sessions and you'll soon see what other kids this age are choosing and how the play with them.

Plenty already said on your boyfriend so I won't add to that, but with the play groups you can do that immediately.

Catsize · 01/12/2015 07:40

Are you okay OP? Some of this will have been tough to read.

londonrach · 01/12/2015 08:14

Op you partner is being abusive, not physically but emotically and financially. Please talk to someone in the real world and contact woman help or refuse. Quick google gave me this number 0808 2000 247 if any help. Can you talk to your mum. Your ds having limited toys. Poor lad. Please remove yourself from this man op and give your son and yourself a better life. Ask mnhq to move this to relationship. X

Pranmasghost · 01/12/2015 08:31

Your partner is being abusive in so many ways.
However your baby not only doesn't have many toys the ones he does have are not age appropriate. He needs things to build with, things to fit together, a cuddly animal or two, a large ball and somethings with wheels.
At his age you can put together a 'magic box' for him. Use kitchen utensils, measuring spoons, a funnel, plastic beakers, an egg cup, a small wooden spoon anything he can't hurt himself with and put them in a shoe box covered in bright paper.
Add some drawing paper and a tin of chunky crayons and give him the things to play with and explore. Play with him, show him that the egg cup will fit in the beaker, that he can stand (supervised) at the sink and pour water through the funnel etc.
The shoe box can be a bed for a small teddy and he can cover it with a yellow duster or a cloth.

Leelu6 · 01/12/2015 11:18

Why do you have Sky when you can barely afford to pay the rent?

I'm sure this is really helpful for the OP. Hmm

BarbarianMum · 01/12/2015 11:36

Quite Leelu And if you read the thread it is also not difficult to work out whose priorities govern this household.

OP I hope you are OK.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 01/12/2015 11:57

Seems like financial abuse to me.

Penguito · 01/12/2015 11:59

I am shocked by this- your child needs to be stimulated. Have u not had a home visit from a health visitor? Did they not notice the lack of toys?
What does the poor child do all day? The child is being neglected, and you are standing back and allowing it to happen. People may think that's harsh but the child is more important! Go and get the few toys you have hidden and put them in the living room. A chair and a basketball thing will not satisfy his needs- he needs blocks, cars, figures, sharp sorters books. Do you ever read to him?

As for thinking he is autistic, I'm sorry but what do you expect? Toys are essential for a child's development- different sounds/textures/ shapes etc. They WILL throw them and put them
In their mouth- that's how they learn. If he hasn't had any of this then of course his development will be behind.
Do the right thing for your child.

Penguito · 01/12/2015 12:00

Should read shape sorters

Birdsgottafly · 01/12/2015 12:21

OP, you and your DH need to get a basic Child Development/the importance of play from the library.

If your DH won't take on board what the books say, you need to leave or give up your Son.

You are in danger of taking the life off your Son that he could have, by the neglect that is taking place.

I was a former CP SW and a child not being allowed to access toys, would generate a CIN plan.

So would the domination of the house, by the Father, when it doesn't meet the child's needs.

You aren't realising it, but you are living in an abusive household.