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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was IBU to ask to bring child to work Christmas do?

150 replies

witsender · 30/11/2015 10:19

I work part time. Our Christmas lunch (we pay our own) falls on a day I don't work. As such, I would need childcare for my youngest who is 3.5. My parents are away, there is no extra space at preschool for a one off and my OH is a teacher so can't get the day off. As such, I asked to bring him with me as the lunch is at a family pub, and we pay our own anyway.

My manager looked quite taken aback and said he didn't think it would be appropriate but would speak to the others (there are about 10 of us plus partners, though obviously mine can't come) but that he expected me to be there.

I feel awful now! I hate asking for anything like that, but couldn't see another solution. My DS is very quiet and shy so very much not the type to run around, he would just sit next to me and eat. They know this as have met him many times. I guess I am wondering whether that was an outlandish request? I don't feel like it was, but now am doubting myself. And I don't know what I'll do if they say no!

OP posts:

HPsauciness · 30/11/2015 14:03

Where I work, this would be fine, everyone is welcome, especially at daytime events, and even the last Christmas meal, someone brought their child as they had no babysitter, not a biggie at all for us. Many of my colleagues are not from UK, more from continent and so eating out in the evenings in a restaurant with children there too is not weird or abnormal to them, the idea you can only have fun, drink or even a tiny flirt only if the children are in bed by 7 just does not occur to them. Lunchtime/afternoon parties, all children are specifically invited!

Janeymoo50 · 30/11/2015 14:07

I was all set to say YWBU....but if you are expected to be there (whatever that means on a non work day?) I can see you are in a pickle. Is there honestly nobody that can look after him, a play date afternoon with a wee pal (and you then return the favour at a later date?). All that said though, I think I'd be a wee bit shocked at a colleague pitching up with their child for the Xmas lunch. Hope you manage to sort something (or don't go and stay home and watch Elf with DS).

maryann1975 · 30/11/2015 14:15

YANBU to ask. They are quite happy for you to take your dc to other events out of your official work time when work needs doing for free, but they don't want him there at the works lunch. I think that is a bit crappy.

Do not feel bad about not going, but rethink your response to the extra work that needs doing. If your ds is welcome to join you to do the extra work, he should be welcome to join you for the meal (it's not like work are going to be billed for a plate of fish fingers, you are paying for yourself anyway).

GoodtoBetter · 30/11/2015 14:31

It doesn't sound like the kind of thing you should take your child to, but then on the other hand they really really really CAN'T say it's "expected" that you go when they arrange it for your non-working day when they know you have kids. Your employer can't have it both ways.

LovelyFriend · 30/11/2015 14:32

I think employers who "Expect their staff to be there" but also expect same staff to pay for their own Xmas party, should frankly, go fuck themselves.

As it's lunch, in a family friendly pub, I wouldn't have a problem with the Op bringing her child along as her "partner" - but if I were you OP I'd get a refund and take yourself and your child out for a lovely lunch together.

coffeetasteslikeshit · 30/11/2015 14:41

I don't think you were being unreasonable to ask, given the circumstances. Please don't feel bad about telling your boss that you can't make it now, it's not your fault.

zeetea · 30/11/2015 14:45

Bit of a cheek that you have to pay for your work Christmas lunch but are expected to be there on a day you don't usually work with childcare to think of!
I echo others, I can understand the issue of bringing a child to an adults only company do, but shown you've tried to make it work, so just say you can't make it due to those facts and do something fun with the little one instead - your manager is being a knob here!

goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal · 30/11/2015 14:48

Of course you can't bring your child to a work christmas lunch. I'm surprised it even occurred to you to ask to be honest.

If you can't organise childcare then I can't see how they can FORCE you to go, but at the same time, this is basically what the purpose of a babysitter is. Plenty of people don't have the luxury of family/friends nearby to look after their children for a couple of hours.

nolongerwaitingfornumber2 · 30/11/2015 14:49

I'm on mat leave but have been invited to our team lunch next week (about 11 in the team and I'm usually the manager) and I asked if I could take both my 2.5 y.o. and baby with me. My mat cover said yes no problem so I think it depends on the type of workplace. Def not U to ask the question as I don't think you can be expected to shell out for childcare to attend.

Bambooshoots14 · 30/11/2015 14:51

I'm with you OP. No harm in asking. I wouldn't mind a dc at my Christmas lunch (evening do would be different I think)

Original poster

witsender · 30/11/2015 14:54

I can't/won't leave him with a stranger. He is shy and would be petrified. Besides, most babysitters work evenings to my knowledge, not the middle of the average working day.

OP posts:

toffeeboffin · 30/11/2015 14:58

FWIW I think that Christmas parties should always be free - paying for your own is so miserly! Bah humbug.

cleaty · 30/11/2015 14:59

Everyone in the public sector pays for theirs.

soulsurfer · 30/11/2015 14:59

I would pay the childcare fee and go to the lunch...

itsbetterthanabox · 30/11/2015 15:03

Yanbu at all. It's in the day time. Other people have guests so it's not just work people. I don't see the issue. If they say no then fair enough but you just made the suggestion. If they can deal with the fact that a lot of the adult workforce are parents so can't get childcare for unpaid out of hours jollies then they need some more training!

purplepolkadots · 30/11/2015 15:03

I asked the same thing when our team Christmas meal was in the evening. I'm a single mum, and the meal is expensive enough (we have to pay for our own, and they choose an expensive (for me) restaurant). My manager also said no, so I didn't go. If the meal is on your non-working day - totally up to you whether you go or not. If the meal is on a working day, but you have to pay for yourself - you also decide whether to go or not. If they require you to go, then they have to have it when you are at work, and they have to pay for it.

Original poster

witsender · 30/11/2015 15:31

If there was a paid childcare option, I.e: the preschool that he goes to and therefore knows, I would send him and pay. They don't have space.

OP posts:

purplepolkadots · 30/11/2015 15:36

I would just send your (unreasonable) boss a polite email, explaining that your son is very shy and at the moment you can only leave him with people he knows, and none of them are available, so unfortunately you won't be able to go to the Christmas do. End of, surely?

GoodtoBetter · 30/11/2015 15:39

Don't say he's shy, that's not the point. It's NOT your contracted hours or the days you work and so you have no childcare and can't attend.

LeaLeander · 30/11/2015 15:44

Everywhere I've worked over the past 30 years it would have been a major faux pas to bring a child to a festive holiday lunch so I'm not surprised your boss was taken aback at your request.

Are you the only part-timer? And the youngest by far and the only one with a young child? I hate to say it but if so, I would imagine the core group of older full-timers probably thinks it's more "their" do anyway and you were invited as more of a courtesy, despite your boss's "expected to be there" remark. Where I work we have a young admin whose lifestyle/age/interests is totally out of sync with the rest of us and while we all like her and so forth, when we go out it is really to socialize with one another, not her. No event would be planned around what is convenient for her, is what I mean.

I would also resist the unpaid overtime, if I were you.

P1nkP0ppy · 30/11/2015 15:45

Sorry but yes, YABU.
I hate work Christmas lunches/do's, and avoid as much as I can.
Bah humbug me!

riverboat1 · 30/11/2015 15:51

It's not unreasonable to ask, but reasonable of them to say it wouldn't be appropriate / would change the atmosphere.

A new guy at work asked if he could bring his 1yo baby to our works Xmas dinner. We said it wouldn't really be appropriate as it is always very boozy, no other children (or partners), restaurant can be loud, atmosphere quite raucous at times towards the end. He accepted that and got his wife to change her shift so she could look after the baby. No hard feelings on either side!

Your boss would be U to put pressure on you to come, I don't get why he would do that...

Original poster

witsender · 30/11/2015 15:53

There are only 4 paid staff, and we all get on very well and are very similar...I'm just a bit younger. (They have kids who are late teens.) Its no biggy.

OP posts:

Flamingobiingo · 30/11/2015 16:12

People have and do bring their young children to work meals where I work.
I've never thought of it as being especially unusual so I don't think YWBU.
I'm a bit by some of the responses you've had. I guess it depends where you work.

Your manager sounds very unreasonable.

Headofthehive55 · 30/11/2015 16:20

lea it sounds like in your workplace only some people are part of the team! I would not like to work where I was only invited out of politeness because I was younger!

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