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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was IBU to ask to bring child to work Christmas do?

150 replies

witsender · 30/11/2015 10:19

I work part time. Our Christmas lunch (we pay our own) falls on a day I don't work. As such, I would need childcare for my youngest who is 3.5. My parents are away, there is no extra space at preschool for a one off and my OH is a teacher so can't get the day off. As such, I asked to bring him with me as the lunch is at a family pub, and we pay our own anyway.

My manager looked quite taken aback and said he didn't think it would be appropriate but would speak to the others (there are about 10 of us plus partners, though obviously mine can't come) but that he expected me to be there.

I feel awful now! I hate asking for anything like that, but couldn't see another solution. My DS is very quiet and shy so very much not the type to run around, he would just sit next to me and eat. They know this as have met him many times. I guess I am wondering whether that was an outlandish request? I don't feel like it was, but now am doubting myself. And I don't know what I'll do if they say no!

OP posts:
ForCh1na · 30/11/2015 10:55

Tbh if it's in a pub and you're paying your own way then I think it's completely up to you if you take your child to the pub on your day off! I wouldn't do it, but actually they have no right to say no. None. Unless it's a private function room or something but it doesn't sound like that is the case.

Faye12345 · 30/11/2015 10:57

I know where youre coming from but you are being unreasonable to expect a child to attend an adult party

Balaboosta · 30/11/2015 10:58

Some of these answers make me sad. It can be lovely for children to know and relate to the adults in your lives and vice versa. It all depends on the atmosphere in your workplace and your own attitude to how you compartmentalise your life. But YANBU to consider it.

Snowglobe18 · 30/11/2015 10:59

I think it's unreasonable to ask.

I also think it's unreasonable for you to be 'expected' to be there under the circumstances.

Anotherusername1 · 30/11/2015 11:00

I don't think you were unreasonable to ask but I'd be very surprised if an employer said yes, and I would not want my colleagues to bring their babies and children to work Christmas lunches. But other teams in other organisations might be different, and I have attended work functions with my son but that was because everyone did, and they took place at weekends.

Would people answer differently if the OP had a baby and was breastfeeding? I still wouldn't want a baby there, but I suspect some MNers might think differently.

diddl · 30/11/2015 11:00

Well I do think it was a bit daft to ask but if you are feeling pressured into going I can see why you did.

Well if you have no childcare then you can't go & that's it.

At least they won't be surprised as it is known that you have no childcare on that day.

Iggi999 · 30/11/2015 11:02

I have done this, to a very casual family-pub affair, in the afternoon. It wasn't a success, but at least I could stay around long enough to say goodbye to the person who was leaving and "show face". And we got out before the real drunkenness started.
Most people seem to have someone they can call in to babysit: I don't think many people really understand how hard it is when you haven't anyone.

ShelaghTurner · 30/11/2015 11:03

I don't get the fuss at all. It's a lunch not a night time piss up. If your child is no stranger to them, can be pretty much trusted to behave and your presence has been demanded (sod that for a game of soldiers) then you weren't unreasonable to ask and I wouldn't have a problem with you bringing him.

PurpleDaisies · 30/11/2015 11:05

Some of these answers make me sad. It can be lovely for children to know and relate to the adults in your lives and vice versa.

A lone 3.5 year old is likely to be bored sick at an adult Christmas work do, and having a child there will change the dynamic completely. I'm not saying kids should never meet work colleagues-if lots of people were bringing their kids that would be a completely different situation.

tbtc20 · 30/11/2015 11:06

The only time I took my child to a works do was when I was on mat leave and my team asked me along to their Xmas lunch. They knew I'd bring baby DS. It was fine. We are a small team, mostly with children.

I think in these situations it really depends on how you get on with your colleagues, and also you need to try and find out what sort of do they are expecting. Then make your decision.

I would never consider taking them under most situations, indeed I would not want them there!

Original poster
witsender · 30/11/2015 11:08

The only reason that I thought it appropriate to ask was because we are often expected to do extra work out of hours and on days off, and he always comes with me and no-one bats an eyelid...I guess because it wouldn't get done otherwise. I guess I should start reigning in that extra work.

TBH we are so busy at this time of year that I feel he is being shoved from pillar to post a little anyway... we will be in for a few hours on Christmas Eve working etc even though we are shut (and the kids are coming too) and various other extras that I have been asked for that even if I could find a relative to have him I would feel a little guilty.

OP posts:
RamblingRedRose · 30/11/2015 11:10

Did you post about this party before?

I think you should sit your boss down for a chat and explain that you were extremely disappointed that the party was scheduled on a day you weren't working and that they refused to reschedule it ( assuming it was you). You should apologise for putting them on the spot by asking if your toddler could come and of course you shouldn't do that but explain how important the party was to you and left out you feel by your works actions.

Your boss is an ass but some people genuinely don't realise they are being an ass so you have to spell it out for them.

Original poster
witsender · 30/11/2015 11:12

No, I haven't posted for ages. The party is scheduled for a day none of us work...we are only open 3 days a week.

OP posts:
Kintan · 30/11/2015 11:12

If your boss really does expect you to be there, is he giving you time off in lieu, or offering to pay for your childcare? If not don't go. But I am surprised you think it would be ok to ask to take your son with you. A child would completely change the dynamic of the meal for everyone.

liquidrevolution · 30/11/2015 11:16

Sorry going against the majority here. YANBU.

Taking my 16 month old to my works Christmas lunch. The only day everyone can be together is the one day I have off work each week. When they asked for availbility I stated that if was that day I would have to bring her along. No one is being po faced about it at my work.

carabos · 30/11/2015 11:25

Seriously? Hmm so many other possible solutions...

Original poster
witsender · 30/11/2015 11:27

If you could suggest some I'd be all ears.

OP posts:
Junosmum · 30/11/2015 11:29

Haha, I obviously work in an industry in which this would not be frowned upon - I don't think you'd even need to ask! t's a Christmas lunch in a pub, it's not a fancy hotel and free drinks and canapes affair. I think it's not on that it's been organised on a day you don't work (I assume everyone else gets this time 'free' i.e. doesn't have to make up the time?) and that you are 'expected' to be there - things like this are not compulsory.

So from my works perspective you certainly would have been being unreasonable.

Tamponlady · 30/11/2015 11:29

if you cant get a babysitter you cant go simple i have a teenager once you learn this early on as a parent you will be a lot happier

if you did take your child your be very flustered on edge your child is well behaved everyone else will not feel like they can let their hair down or even have a drink tbh i am surprised you asked it sucks as a parent i have had to miss many many party's and do s because i have no child care i will be missing our family friends wedding this summer as one of us needs to stay home o look after the children.

Headofthehive55 · 30/11/2015 11:33

If you were my work colleague I would be delighted that you were still prepared to come and would ask to sit the little one in between us so i could help you. Don't colleagues help each other? I know in my place we bend over backwards for each other.

buddhasbelly · 30/11/2015 11:34

I'm taking my dd (20 month) to mine BUT I work in a public education institution, we have an onsite restaurant, it's incredibly informal, I checked with everyone beforehand and my work very much like my dd and want to see her in a Christmas dress (I'm in a very fortunate work environment!)

Enjolrass · 30/11/2015 11:34

It's a Christmas lunch on a day no one is working.

It's likely to involve booze.

Yabu.

I often can't go to stuff, because I have kids. That's what happens.

Just don't go OP.

Tbh I wouldn't be impressed if someone brought their child to a work do.

buddhasbelly · 30/11/2015 11:34

oh and no alcohol will be consumed as they're all going back to work afterwards (forgot to say i'm part time)

buddhasbelly · 30/11/2015 11:35

we also can't drink because there's students all around us - wouldn't look very good to have a member of staff under the influence in the work/student manned restaurant!

Original poster
witsender · 30/11/2015 11:38

I don't care about going or not tbh, but the impression was given (and since reinforced) that I am expected to be there, keeping trustees sweet etc. And as he is apparently welcome pretty much any other time I felt comfortable enough to ask. I'm very happy to decline.

OP posts: