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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was IBU to ask to bring child to work Christmas do?

150 replies

witsender · 30/11/2015 10:19

I work part time. Our Christmas lunch (we pay our own) falls on a day I don't work. As such, I would need childcare for my youngest who is 3.5. My parents are away, there is no extra space at preschool for a one off and my OH is a teacher so can't get the day off. As such, I asked to bring him with me as the lunch is at a family pub, and we pay our own anyway.

My manager looked quite taken aback and said he didn't think it would be appropriate but would speak to the others (there are about 10 of us plus partners, though obviously mine can't come) but that he expected me to be there.

I feel awful now! I hate asking for anything like that, but couldn't see another solution. My DS is very quiet and shy so very much not the type to run around, he would just sit next to me and eat. They know this as have met him many times. I guess I am wondering whether that was an outlandish request? I don't feel like it was, but now am doubting myself. And I don't know what I'll do if they say no!

OP posts:

GreenTomatoJam · 30/11/2015 11:38

My DS came to all sorts of much more formal business meetings with me when younger - I lived abroad, had no childcare, and freelanced. I had meetings with a client while I was breastfeeding, a client bounced DS on his lap at various points, it was fine - of course I only worked with clients for whom this would be fine, who wanted to work with me and understood that I had a life outside of this work (As did they - and I met their partners and kids at various points too).

YANBU to ask, since if your child can't come, then you can't come. Whether it's appropriate for him to be there really depends on your company - if this would be a boozy, messy affair then no, if it was a friendly chatting affair then why not.

BollocksToThat1 · 30/11/2015 11:40

How are the partners getting time off from their jobs?

Of course you can't take your son and why would you want to go on your day off anyway.

Original poster

witsender · 30/11/2015 11:41

I would be very surprised if this bit got raucous, the majority are quite religious and 'upstanding'. Format was meal with trustees, partners etc for staff and then afterwards the trustees go, all volunteers are welcome and then they spend the afternoon in the pub. I couldn't have done that bit anyway as I would have school pick up for my eldest at 310. Ah well.

OP posts:

BrendaandEddie · 30/11/2015 11:42

cant you get him to go to a mates that day?

Headofthehive55 · 30/11/2015 11:42

Well if it involved getting drunk then I wouldn't want to go, child or no child!

Original poster

witsender · 30/11/2015 11:43

He is a quiet, shy little boy who struggles with separation. He is already going to be elsewhere every other day that week between my parents and preschool for work, and the extra things I have been asked to do. So I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving him with people he didn't really know. The only person I could ask is heavily pregnant with a toddler of her own, I'd feel mean! It's fine, I'm happy not to go as I have enough on, but feel blumming awkward is all.

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Original poster

witsender · 30/11/2015 11:44

I don't drink, so wouldn't be too sad at missing anything like that.

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NeverEverAnythingEver · 30/11/2015 11:44

It depends on what it's like where you work. Where I work I would have asked so I don't think YABU. You boss is definitly BU to "expect" you to be there on your day off.

BrendaandEddie · 30/11/2015 11:44

but dont you have any mates with kids the same age?

queenofthepirates · 30/11/2015 11:46

I run a family friendly company and such, I would always try and accommodate my employee's commitments. I would welcome children as a one off in the circumstances.

I wouldn't expect you to pay for your Christmas meal though, that's a little stingy.

RamblingRedRose · 30/11/2015 11:47

Oh, sorry. That's so weird though because another poster who works for a charity with only 10 people in the office posted just the other day about how the office Christmas party was scheduled for her day off. Must be your MN doppelgänger!

Look, at the end of the day people can only tell you that under usual circumstances it would be weird to take your kid. You say the circumstances are different so all you can really do is wait and see what your boss says.

chumbler · 30/11/2015 11:48

Wow I completely disgree with most of the people here, I think yanbu! It's your day off and only lunchtime fgs. If they expect you to be there they have to expect your child will be coming too! This actually happened to me and I just assumed my DD was invited and noone to take her so I just took her with me, a few surprised looks but it was fine!

abigamarone · 30/11/2015 11:48

Six of one and half a dozen of the other. It's unreasonable to ask to take your young child to a Christmas meal and unreasonable of your manager to ' expect you to be there'.
However, I'm not sure how much of a 'letting hair down' adult only meal it can be when it's in a family pub at lunchtime. It's not like a night out is it.

GoblinLittleOwl · 30/11/2015 11:49

Are you sure your partner couldn't take your child to school for a short time? I took my young children in once or twice, and my husband had our son for an afternoon when he was about a year old; he sat in his high chair and virtually the whole class, (11 year olds) arrived with sweets and toys and took it in turns to entertain him, particularly the boys. Of course, that was pre-ofsted days. If it is a secondary school, and near to Christmas, perhaps the child-care class would be able to help.

Original poster

witsender · 30/11/2015 11:52

That's weird Rose! I'll have a search.

I don't really Brenda, weird as it sounds. He has only just started preschool so hasn't made friends as such yet, and I didn't go to toddler groups etc around here so while we have friends, they are a mix of ages, many work etc.

On many days it wouldn't be an issue as my parents love having him, but my mum has a medical appointment a fair old trip away so is unavailable for the day. My dad has to go with her...similarly if OH wasn't in education he could have taken time off! Just one of those things I guess.

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LockTheTaskBar · 30/11/2015 11:53

Even if you could leave him at pre-school, you would have to pay, which would presumably leave you out of pocket as i doubt they are going to pay you to attend a lunch on a non-work day? It sounds like you don't want to go, you are too busy, you are concerned that the business is already rubbing off on your ds a bit in a way he doesn't love - so the question isn't really "how do I manage to go to this?" but "how can I manage saying no to this in a way that does me least harm and keeps people mostly sweet" - is that right?

PuppyMonkey · 30/11/2015 11:53

Sounds like it's going to be a proper barrel of laughs, I'd invent a prior appointment I couldn't get out of tbh

You're expected to suck up to trustees on your works Xmas do, which you're paying for yourself. Stuff that. And ywnbu to ask about bringing child either.

trulybadlydeeply · 30/11/2015 12:03

I work for a charity too, and a colleague brought her DD along to a Christmas lunch once. It was lovely, none of us minded at all, and it meant our colleague could come and have lunch with us. It was just a simple meal in a relaxed restaurant, no-one drank more than a glass or so of wine, if that, and we enjoyed having her DD there.

(I would rather pull my teeth out with pliers than take my DC along, but that's because they would be Trouble)

smearedinfood · 30/11/2015 12:05

If one of colleagues brought in there child to a works lunch, do you what, I'd understand, she had a child care problem, some of us don't have reams or relatives on hand to supply childcare. It's a lunch, not cocktails.

BeyondThirty · 30/11/2015 12:06

I dont think ywbu to ask, its not like youre taking him on a pub crawl!!

Original poster

witsender · 30/11/2015 12:09

I'd enjoy the lunch very much, I really like my colleagues and the charity is important to me. If my parents could have him I'd feel a bit guilty about putting on them too much but would happily go, similarly I would (slightly begrudgingly) put him in preschool if they had space. It was merely the lack of options that led me to ask, that and the fact he has always been welcome previously. But now I feel a bit uncomfortable, like if I now decline I am trying to force their hand...they would prob say 'ok, bring him along' which I now wouldn't feel right doing!

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irregularegular · 30/11/2015 12:20

Seem to be in the minority here, but I don't think it was unreasonable to ask. It's a daytime event, in a fairly family friendly setting. I can imagine work environments where it would be perfectly appropriate to have a well behaved 3 year old at a group lunch.

Since you can't go otherwise, I think it was perfectly fine to explain that and ask whether bring him would be an option.

On the other hand it is also reasonable for them to say no if they prefer. They obviously can't require you to be there.

MackerelOfFact · 30/11/2015 12:22

At my current workplace, this would be totally fine. At my previous one, you'd have been looked at like you had eleven heads.

I don't think the issue is really whether you should bring your DS or not, really. I think the real issue is that you shouldn't be expected to come in on your day off and pay for food and childcare to fulfil a professional obligation.

They should either pay for your meals, have it at a time convenient to all (ideally during work hours), or allow people to decline. Anything else is unacceptable.

BathshebaDarkstone · 30/11/2015 12:25

Well, yes, people usually get pissed at work Christmas do's.

Judydreamsofhorses · 30/11/2015 12:25

I wouldn't be keen on someone bringing a child to a work's Christmas do, regardless of who was paying for it. I'd decline the invitation saying you have personal commitments that can't be changed.

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