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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was IBU to ask to bring child to work Christmas do?

150 replies

witsender · 30/11/2015 10:19

I work part time. Our Christmas lunch (we pay our own) falls on a day I don't work. As such, I would need childcare for my youngest who is 3.5. My parents are away, there is no extra space at preschool for a one off and my OH is a teacher so can't get the day off. As such, I asked to bring him with me as the lunch is at a family pub, and we pay our own anyway.

My manager looked quite taken aback and said he didn't think it would be appropriate but would speak to the others (there are about 10 of us plus partners, though obviously mine can't come) but that he expected me to be there.

I feel awful now! I hate asking for anything like that, but couldn't see another solution. My DS is very quiet and shy so very much not the type to run around, he would just sit next to me and eat. They know this as have met him many times. I guess I am wondering whether that was an outlandish request? I don't feel like it was, but now am doubting myself. And I don't know what I'll do if they say no!

OP posts:
IceBeing · 30/11/2015 12:32

wow - I can't believe people are saying it was unreasonable to ask! It might be unreasonable to DO it, or to demand the right to do it...but to ask?

My work go out of their way to make the xmas do family friendly, because why wouldn't you?

Excluding people is usually seen as a Bad Thing...especially by charities...but hey ho.

NewLife4Me · 30/11/2015 12:34

I wouldn't go if it were me, it's not fair on everyone else who hasn't taken kids and it's for adults.
I'd hate somebody to bring a child, because you'd have to watch what you say and do, irrespective of who had paid for it.

Original poster
witsender · 30/11/2015 12:36

To be fair, I am quite literally the youngest staff member or volunteer, and as such the only one with children under the age of 20. Wink

OP posts:
TheOddity · 30/11/2015 12:47

I don't think it was unreasonable, especially given his reaction that you were expected to be there. If they expect you there on a day you don't have childcare, there isn't really another option is there? It wouldn't bother me having a little one there, it would break the tedium of 'talking shop', bitchiness and whinging employees for me.

antjrice · 30/11/2015 12:47

I actually don't think it's that bad. It is a lunch after all and not a midnight ball with an open bar.

It's also pretty bad that a) it's on your day off and you're expected to be there and b) you have to pay!

Look at it this way; you don't go because you have to look after your son - how many of your colleague will say "you should've have just brought him along"

Pyjamaramadrama · 30/11/2015 12:48

Where I work it would be absolutely fine. Loads of people have bought their babies and children to works lunches. It's during the day, it's in a pub.

I've worked in several teams over the years and none would have cared.

An evening do no way but daytime would be fine.

Also will people stop suggesting she leave her ds here and there, she's already said quite clearly she hasn't got any childcare.

Your boss can't expect you to be somewhere on your non working day if you've no childcare.

toffeeboffin · 30/11/2015 12:50

OP, you shouldn't have even bothered asking, it's not fair to put your boss in that position.

People get pissed and talk shop at Christmas parties, so why you would want your child there is beyond me!

TheOddity · 30/11/2015 12:53

Also we've had early dinners after work as a social thing, paying for ourselves and it never occurred to me not to bring my DS, who else was going to have him at 6pm on a week day? DH sometimes came to pick him up when he got back at 7ish so I could have a drink and relax, but no one really batted an eye. They mainly just ignored him and talked to me! Your boss might have been a bit surprised because he had a big support network when his kids were small and just didn't expect you to need this, maybe his kids are grown up or he never had to think about the juggle like a woman. Don't take his reaction as a no, it's probably just surprise. I wouldn't see it as a big social faux pas. Different though if it was a paid company do in the evening obviously!

cleaty · 30/11/2015 12:54

I have been to a work do where a colleague did this. It was fine.

ohtheholidays · 30/11/2015 12:57

Of course YWBU it doesn't matter how well behaved your child is it will change the feel of the whole Christmas Do for everyone that's there.

Cressandra · 30/11/2015 13:02

It is totally fair to put the boss in that position when the boss is expecting her to come into work on her day off, and pay twice over out of her own pocket for the privilege.

Reasonable qu for you to ask under the circumstances OP, also reasonable for you to decline when the answer came back "no". Say it's impossible to get childcare so close to Christmas and/or you've already called in all favours for other work commitments.

NoMoreGrimble · 30/11/2015 13:04

I've been to work do where a colleague did this. No one minded and to some of us she was a very welcome distraction.

AlpacaPicnic · 30/11/2015 13:05

nobody gets pissed at our works do. And it's in the evening. Almost everybody drives to it, lots of people have either small children or elderly relatives that they need to get back to so it's always a nice sedate affair. Usually we are home by 10...

Nanny0gg · 30/11/2015 13:11

I also think that it would have cost you money to book extra nursery time if you'd been able to which is also unreasonable.

cleaty · 30/11/2015 13:11

If anybody drinks too much at our work dos, it is always just a few who stay late till midnight. By that time most have left, and a child would have left.

tiggytape · 30/11/2015 13:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZoeTurtle · 30/11/2015 13:20

Not exactly unreasonable to ask but an odd thing to do. Your manager is definitely U for 'expecting' you to give up your spare time for work. If you have to be there, he has to pay you for it.

Original poster
witsender · 30/11/2015 13:32

My point about being the only ones with children was nothing to do with them 'being old' and therefore not liking kids or whatever, but was merely in response to a previous poster who said it wouldn't be fair on others who had made childcare arrangements...I was just pointing out that this problem does not exist for anyone else.

It's fine, I will decline and hold my own in terms of not being made to feel bad. I will also stop doing all the unpaid overtime which requires me to bring him along at other times.

OP posts:
hiccupgirl · 30/11/2015 13:38

Where I work this would not be a problem at all. A couple of colleagues have brought their children along to the Christmas pub lunch when it was their non working day so they had no childcare. I chose to not to bring my DS before he started school, but only because I know he would be difficult rather than people would disapprove.

I don't seen any harm in asking as its a day time do in a family pub and you wouldn't normally need childcare on that day. You manager can 'expect you to be there' but he can't insist you work an extra day unless he offers time off in lieu. And if he wants you there that desperately then he will need to accept your child comes too.

Viviennemary · 30/11/2015 13:52

I think it's a bit unreasonable to think taking a three year old to a work's meal is OK. But you asked and fair enough. But they shouldn't expect you to go if it's not a day you normally work and won't be paid. And people saying there is no problem. There probably is a problem with children attending but once there people just put up with it.

TendonQueen · 30/11/2015 13:53

Hmm. I don't think they sound like very good employers, religious and upstanding or not, as they seem to expect you to do a fair amount of extra work without pay. And now they won't accommodate you on this issue while still expecting you to attend at your own cost. Time to get a lot firmer in resisting all this unpaid overtime. I can imagine there is a level of emotional pressure around it 'it's got to be done or X will be stranded without the thing they need', but that can really take its toll on NHS / voluntary /not for profit sector workers and their families, and it's wrong.

JessieMcJessie · 30/11/2015 13:53

have only skimmed the thread but you've explained to your manager that you've looked into all the options and nothing works, right?

If he/she doesn't want you to bring your DS to the meal, what exactly is he/she expecting you to do to ensure that you can be there?

This seems less about what is appropriate and more about the boss not understanding that sometimes logistics just don't work.

TaurielTest · 30/11/2015 13:54

This is not terribly helpful - but in response to your manager's unreasonable "expect you to be there", I immediately thought of Bernard Black's "expect away!"

Pseudonym99 · 30/11/2015 13:54

Are the others being paid to be, or being released from work, to be there? If so, are you being given time off in lieu, or paid overtime to be there? And if partners are welcome, surely you can bring who you want? If not, then the manager is being a pratt. Tell him to poke his Christmas turkey up his arse.

knowler · 30/11/2015 13:59

This thread makes me sad - I work for quite a conservative, traditional professional services firm and my team would have no problem at all with this situation. It's not like OP is proposing to take DC to an evening piss-up followed by a club is it?

So, yanbu but the answer is clear and I would politely decline, giving the reason that it's a non-working day for you.

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