Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was IBU to ask to bring child to work Christmas do?

150 replies

witsender · 30/11/2015 10:19

I work part time. Our Christmas lunch (we pay our own) falls on a day I don't work. As such, I would need childcare for my youngest who is 3.5. My parents are away, there is no extra space at preschool for a one off and my OH is a teacher so can't get the day off. As such, I asked to bring him with me as the lunch is at a family pub, and we pay our own anyway.

My manager looked quite taken aback and said he didn't think it would be appropriate but would speak to the others (there are about 10 of us plus partners, though obviously mine can't come) but that he expected me to be there.

I feel awful now! I hate asking for anything like that, but couldn't see another solution. My DS is very quiet and shy so very much not the type to run around, he would just sit next to me and eat. They know this as have met him many times. I guess I am wondering whether that was an outlandish request? I don't feel like it was, but now am doubting myself. And I don't know what I'll do if they say no!

OP posts:
CFSsucks · 30/11/2015 10:30

Sorry but YABU. I'm surprised you even asked tbh. It doesn't matter if he is quiet. A toddler does not belong at a work Christmas lunch. I'd be very Hmm if I was asked if this was ok. Your colleges are all going to be put on the spot now. I'd call your manager and tell him not to worry asking them and that you will be declining the meal. They can't make you go, it's a bloody social event on your day off!

alltouchedout · 30/11/2015 10:30

*lunch
Fucking stupid phone keyboard settings that I should not have stupidly messed with

Original poster
witsender · 30/11/2015 10:33

To clarify, he has come to work with me many times...I work for a charity so we are quite laid back. I think I will have to decline then, I only asked because it was kind of bring him or don't go. Thanks all. Smile

OP posts:
rainydaygrey · 30/11/2015 10:33

U to ask, but equally U to say that he expects you to be there when he knows there is a child care situation. Employees have lives, they can't just be taken out of a box when required and then popped back in. He needs to face reality: you have other responsibilies and unfortunately cannot attend.

rainydaygrey · 30/11/2015 10:34

Sorry cross-post Smile

Original poster
witsender · 30/11/2015 10:34

And my colleagues won't be asked, it was the trustees of the charity as apparently it is 'their do', even though we're paying IYSWIM.

OP posts:
ExitPursuedByABear · 30/11/2015 10:35

Work Christmas lunches make me want to run screaming up the road.

SoupDragon · 30/11/2015 10:36

I think I will have to decline then, I only asked because it was kind of bring him or don't go.

I would also decline. Having a child there completely changes the dynamic. Shame though!

OnlyLovers · 30/11/2015 10:38

And my colleagues won't be asked, it was the trustees of the charity as apparently it is 'their do', even though we're paying IYSWIM.

Not sure I like the sound of that. How is it theirs if you all pay your own way?

I don't like the attitude that you're 'expected' to be there either, on a day off.

But anyway, sounds like you aren't going to go, so that's OK – unless they decide to disapprove of you not being there.

Bearbehind · 30/11/2015 10:40

I think it's actually a bit different if it's commonplace at your work for children to be with you at work.

By commonplace though, I mean other people do the same and it's not just your child who goes to work with you.

If it is just you then it might not be as acceptable as you think it is.

You can't be forced to attend a party you have to fund yourself on a day you are not contracted to work though.

Original poster
witsender · 30/11/2015 10:40

That's what I'm worried about now, that if I decline I am not seen as part of the team, look bad to trustees etc... But if I decline and he says, 'ok, if it means you can't come then bring him' then we all feel awkward and I know I am being innappropriate. Gah.

OP posts:
TeddTess · 30/11/2015 10:40

yes YABU but they ABabsolutelyU to insist you are there, on your day off, and pay.
are they having a laugh?
and do they expect partners to take time off work to come along too, and pay?

i'd be grateful for the excuse not to go tbh.

Original poster
witsender · 30/11/2015 10:42

I'm the only one with young kids, but others' families do come in from time to time too. Obviously being a charity we do a lot of time over and above our hours, so very often he will tag along when I am doing this extra stuff as otherwise it wouldn't get done, if you see what I mean.

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 30/11/2015 10:42

Whichever way, they've put you under pressure by saying you're 'expected'. If you can't get childcare, that's the end of it and you shouldn't be thought of as not 'part of the team' etc.

Arfarfanarf · 30/11/2015 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KitZacJak · 30/11/2015 10:44

Well, they can't have it both ways. Either you go with child or your don't go at all. I think they are being unreasonable to expect you there on your day off. You were just offering the only solution available to you so don't feel bad about it.

AlpacaLypse · 30/11/2015 10:46

This is why I find the mixture of paid and voluntary work with charity makes me so uneasy. Presumably the trustees are volunteers? But if the charity feels it necessary to honour their volunteers with a free lunch, they shouldn't expect their staff to pay for it.

Daft.

mouldycheesefan · 30/11/2015 10:46

They are unreasonable to say you are expected to attend, that is not acceptable it's not a normal working day for you. I wouldn't have asked to being my child but it's already happened, just say ' unfortunately I am unable to attend'. Take a festive cake into the office on a different day.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 30/11/2015 10:47

I also wouldn't think it's appropriate to have a child at a work Christmas lunch - but I also think it's highly unreasonable to expect you to be able to attend on a non-working day.

If full attendance is so crucial to them then why wasn't the lunch arranged for a day everyone works? Or, if everyone works on different days, people should have been consulted before booking the date even if you'd been asked in June. Had you been asked back in June (or whenever the lunch was booked) you may have had enough notice to negotiate a one off extra session at nursery.

SiegeofEnnis · 30/11/2015 10:48

I don't like the sound of the dynamic where, after making it plain you have zero childcare options for a Christmas lunch, you are still 'expected' to be present. What are you supposed to do, abandon him on someone's doorstep with a label around his neck???

You weren't unreasonable to ask, especially as children clearly come in to this workplace a fair amount, but he is also not unreasonable to say no.

I have likewise had to explain in laborious detail to my head of dept that unless I bring my three year old to the university open day he wants me to attend, I cannot come, as my husband works every Saturday in a situation where he cannot possibly bring a small child, his childminder and pre-school do not work Saturdays, all our families are in another country and no, there is no one I can leave a demanding small child with. So either I give a 'Studying English at University X' talk with a three year old doing Lego in the front row, or I don't.

thenewbroom · 30/11/2015 10:49

Sounds fine to me OP if your son is well behaved and you're not planning a boozy sweary lunch! wouldn't bother me at all and I would enjoy meeting him.

Inertia · 30/11/2015 10:50

It would be unreasonable to take your child unless it's normal practice for families to attend.

It's also unreasonable for your manager to expect you to attend on your non-working day. If you were able to arrange suitable childcare and wanted to go, it would be reasonable to ask your manager to change your working days for that week so that you could attend, or alternatively pay you for an additional working day so that you can afford childcare for the day.

mouldycheesefan · 30/11/2015 10:51

Siege, Do any of the workers at pre school do weekend babysitting, I found that. Dry handy when my kids were at that age. In fact my kids are eight now and the nursery nurses still babysit for us!

Baconyum · 30/11/2015 10:52

Yes yabu to ask. They Abu to expect your attendance on your day off at your own expense! To the point that a chat with hr or making a note you've been told this.

It's also unacceptable to have your child there while you're working. Is it a child safe environment (legally speaking) what would their insurers say?

SiegeofEnnis · 30/11/2015 10:55

Mouldy, it's an idea for the future, certainly - though I don't drive, so am reliant on spotty rural buses or cycling for getting around, and think it would be a bit much to ask one of the pre-school staff to come to our house, even if they were prepared to work on Saturday.

In fact, DS came to the Open Day with a rucksack of plastic Thomas the Tank engine stuff, sat in the front row, and behaved perfectly well, apart from a few interjections of 'Mummy! MUMMY!' which at least broke the ice in a 300-seater lecture theatre Grin.

Swipe left for the next trending thread