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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

OH complaining about ME buying MY kids clothes

146 replies

MucusInMyPoo · 26/11/2015 23:04

I have two teenage boys to a previous relationship. Been with OH about 4 years - lived together for two. We both work full time and earn decent wages. I also get maintanance monthly off their father and still get child benefit.
Issue is - OH gets a grump on everytime I buy my kids clothes. Last week he was complaining that my 16 year old had asked for a winter coat (which he does actually need!!) and now he's complaining that my youngest is asking for a few things. Youngest and I sorted his wardrobe out last weekend and it transpired that he had one decent pair of jeans, two t-shirts that he still wears and a couple of hoodies. That is not much for a 14 year old lad!! So I bought him a couple of tshirts that he'd asked for -£16 each and OH went off on one saying £16 is far too expensive for a T-shirt (for a teenager!!??) and I should have consulted him first and he doesn't approve of me buying him new clothes willy nilly etc. I explained that I do have to buy DS's clothes!! I'm their main carer!! He still wasn't happy and wants consulting about future purchases.
Thing is - his ex noted in their divorce papers thst she had to beg for money for the kids and it would depend on his mood as to whether he would give her it or not. He can't control me as easily as I earn my own money but it is still a flash of her statement isn't it!!
Another classic was him saying that if I can buy ds new tshirts - he can buy his ds a takeaway at the weekend ... As if that's the same thing!!

OP posts:

ouryve · 27/11/2015 14:01

Make it clear to him that you aware that his previous relationship ended for this sort of behaviour.

If he doesn't realise (or care about) what he's doing and that he needs to back off, then you need to have a good long think about your future together. For a start, he sounds like he's not much more mature than your teen boys with his ridiculous tit for tat argument.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 27/11/2015 14:07

He'd be told very seriously to get himself to fuck and he ever, ever dared telling me I am not to buy my children clothes when I work full time and get maintenance then it would be over. Who the hell does he think he is. Total control freak and there's no way I'd be putting up with that.

I think it would be wise if you have joint finances to put an equal amount in one account that all the bills, days out and shopping etc can come out of. Another account to put an equal amount in when you get paid for savings. Then have your own account that will have the rest of your wages, maintenance and child benefit in to do with what you please.

LockedBox · 27/11/2015 14:07

Aeroflotgirl - Yes I believe she's genuine, I don't think I've said anything that could be seen as doubting her?

Unreasonablebetty · 27/11/2015 14:24

OP- your children are teenagers,
This leads me to believe that you are at least ten years older than I am.
And even I, as a wet behind the ears, just turned 25 year old will tell you, if ANY man questioned what I bought my daughter to wear and tried to even it up a bit by spending equal or more on his children to prove a point when MY children had very little to wear, that man would never step foot in my house again.
Before being sent on his merry way, he would be told, that I am a mother before anything else. He obviously can't respect that and needs to get gone.

Life should not be this way.... My husband took on my daughter as his own, and if she needs or even wants something, it comes out of his pocket or mine. No fuss. And let me tell you, my daughter gets clothes most weeks. And a lot of the time she has uggs. Ted baker, Levi's.

A man who can feel badly about a child having a few bits of clothing truly has a black heart.

Fix up woman.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/11/2015 15:06

sorry locked I diden't mean to accuse you. It just seems so far fetched that anybody can be like that, especially from the beginning, she was doubting him, but ended up in a relationship with him anyway.
She has had many opportunities to walk away, but I guess she must have been taken in by his erm charm.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/11/2015 15:07

locked if it is the same person you think, after receiving resounding nos to dating, moving in, she still chose to subject her kids to this individual.

LagunaBubbles · 27/11/2015 15:43

I agree 16 quid for a t-shirt is ridiculous. You can get them cheap at markets etc. Pretty much the same stuff.

Its her own money and she can spend what she likes on her childrens clothes.

noddingoff · 27/11/2015 15:57

If this is real, I feel sorry for the children growing up with this as their model for a "normal" relationship. Hopefully they've realised that this is not how men should treat women (or how anyone should treat anyone).
I'd buy the boys the T shirts, the ex a drink and get out to fuck.

seasidesally · 27/11/2015 16:15

anyway the maintenance money is for the child not the op and certainly not her DP

SettlinginNicely · 27/11/2015 16:26

Are you married to this man? If not, why not extricate yourself from the situation now? He won't change, he won't be won around, he is not going to wake up one morning and become reasonable. As other posters have said, you need to put your responsibilities as a mother first. This man is advocating the abuse of your children and your are complying with it.

Kick him out. Put your children first, if you cannot put yourself first.

LockedBox · 27/11/2015 16:28

That's ok Aero! I wasn't being snippy - just worried I might look like I'm troll hunting, which I'm not as I believe this poster IS in this situation but just uses these boards as a...valve I guess to let off some steam. Which is fine but just sad as I so wish she would listen/had listened.

Her poor boys will have learned such awful, awful lessons from this 'relationship' and my kids are a little bit older than hers and it just makes me feel sad for them.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/11/2015 16:49

It is sad, I cannot believe she ploughed on with the relationship regardless. Her poor kids .

incywincybitofa · 27/11/2015 22:27

Is this the donut mum and the coke mum
I hope she isn't real for the sake of any kids

Mypubesarestraight · 27/11/2015 23:33

Donut and Coke mum?

BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley · 28/11/2015 11:37

who is donut and coke mum? AV is not returning anything that looks relevant.

BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley · 28/11/2015 11:40

ok don't worry, found it. Yes it's her without a doubt.

LagunaBubbles · 28/11/2015 11:46

Why do people start threads and then not come back?

BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley · 28/11/2015 11:50

this one's famous for it. She used to come back on the earlier threads but once she realised people were losing patience with her and asking why on earth she stayed with this horrible twat of a man she now just name changes for every post, posts her problem of the day (always along the same theme) then disappears. It's like she's not really engaging with us at all, just ranting at a brick wall or using MN AIBU as a metorphorical punchbag, she offloads then she buggers off. Really most odd.

BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley · 28/11/2015 11:53

But she never changes any details so it's always really obvious that it's her so she gets outed in two seconds flat. I really don't understand what she thinks she is going to achieve by endlessly posting the same stuff but under a different name, just to hear identical responses each time.

IwishIwasinNewYork · 28/11/2015 12:33

Yes I have seen this poster too many many times over the years.

I feel desperately sorry for her sons.

I remember saying to her that they will vote with their feet when they are independent adults and may not want her in their lives as she has chosen this cunt over their childhood.

LagunaBubbles · 28/11/2015 12:38

Ah thanks badlybehaved

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