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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH complaining about ME buying MY kids clothes

146 replies

MucusInMyPoo · 26/11/2015 23:04

I have two teenage boys to a previous relationship. Been with OH about 4 years - lived together for two. We both work full time and earn decent wages. I also get maintanance monthly off their father and still get child benefit.
Issue is - OH gets a grump on everytime I buy my kids clothes. Last week he was complaining that my 16 year old had asked for a winter coat (which he does actually need!!) and now he's complaining that my youngest is asking for a few things. Youngest and I sorted his wardrobe out last weekend and it transpired that he had one decent pair of jeans, two t-shirts that he still wears and a couple of hoodies. That is not much for a 14 year old lad!! So I bought him a couple of tshirts that he'd asked for -£16 each and OH went off on one saying £16 is far too expensive for a T-shirt (for a teenager!!??) and I should have consulted him first and he doesn't approve of me buying him new clothes willy nilly etc. I explained that I do have to buy DS's clothes!! I'm their main carer!! He still wasn't happy and wants consulting about future purchases.
Thing is - his ex noted in their divorce papers thst she had to beg for money for the kids and it would depend on his mood as to whether he would give her it or not. He can't control me as easily as I earn my own money but it is still a flash of her statement isn't it!!
Another classic was him saying that if I can buy ds new tshirts - he can buy his ds a takeaway at the weekend ... As if that's the same thing!!

OP posts:
Iflyaway · 27/11/2015 01:26

I agree 16 quid for a t-shirt is ridiculous. You can get them cheap at markets etc. Pretty much the same stuff.

However, he is controlling you and disrespecting your children.

You should have consulted him first?! Fuck that.

You are not at work and HE IS NOT YOUR BOSS!

Anyway, why not just give your kids a certain amount for clothes? Teenagers are old enough to learn how to budget. You would be doing them a service. They need to become independent. so do you, sorry

Booyaka · 27/11/2015 01:36

My God. Dump him. Quick. I hardly ever say LTB, but this is the second time in two days!

Could you imagine if you got sick and you had to depend on him? Or if someone of Robert Maxwell's ilk tanked your pension? Or you lost your job? No way, huge, huge red flag. Tightness with money shows a lack of regard.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 27/11/2015 02:13

You earn. Your own money. He possess and mosns when you spend it on your boys.
His poor ex had to beg him for money for the kids and he'd only give it when he was in the fucking mood!!!! So if he wasn't in the mood his dcs would have to go with out, and now his ex has had enough of his controlling behaviour and we'll done to her. He's trying to control you.
That is abuse.

MistressDeeCee · 27/11/2015 02:51

wtf are you doing with this pillock? The absolute and utter cheek of him, complaining that you spend money on your DCs? Do your DCs know he does this? If so do you really think they feel good about having him around?

You sound as if you're pretty wise to him tho. Im joining the LTB chorus as in no way can I see that this man deserves you, or that putting up with his jealous whinging about your DCs + his controlling ways = you have to put up with his shit for years. Can you imagine when your DCs grow up and leave home which they'll do as soon as possible if they've got the measure of him there'll only be you to control & nag at, and you will wilt under the weight of it..unto your old age and his.

BooOzMoo · 27/11/2015 04:29

£16 is not unreasonable for a t-shirt !!!! The kid is 14! They can't walk round in primark or market t-shirts ... Yep okay round the house but not out with mates!!! They'll get a ribbing and it will totally effect thier self confidence! Jeez my Nephew is 15 and I've just bought him two £25 t- shirts because his mum can't afford it and his dad is a tight arse!!! They have split but DB new wife would buy them too!!! Don't let your kids get the ribbing you did!!!

Enjolrass · 27/11/2015 06:32

Yanbu however £16 for a tshirt for a 14 year old that isn't a birthday/ Christmas is excessive.

Total bollocks!

Op Yanbu, but it's sounds like you have been aware that he was dick a for while.

I haven't ever said this on here...but please LTB.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 27/11/2015 06:44

YANBU however £16 for a tshirt for a 14 year old that isn't a birthday/ Christmas is excessive.

Says who? Who made you the oracle on t-shirts? If OP can afford £16, and that's the t-shirt her DS wants, why is it excessive?
I personally won't buy from places like Primark for ethical reasons. If you're paying £3 for a t-shirt you can guarantee the person who made it hasn't been paid a decent wage and provided with good, safe working conditions.

Foslady · 27/11/2015 06:48

This is the start of financial abuse - it will only get worse . Think about what he will be like in 5, 10, 15 years time - do you really want to justify every penny you spend especially when you are earning it? The money the boys father gives you if towards their upkeep as is any child benefit - how dare he tell you £14 is too expensive on a t shirt - not allowing you to spend on basic needs at a reasonable price, it's not as if you've looking at a £50 named shirt.

Seriously consider your future with this man - he will only get worse, trust me on this one

spritefairy · 27/11/2015 06:48

I'm sorry but there are loads of warning bells ringing here.
Sit him down and make him see he does not control the money.
If he can't accept that, then you may have to consider a new relationship

Enkopkaffetak · 27/11/2015 06:55

Ei spent £30on the last shirt I bought almost 14year old ds I didn't think that was cheap but nor did I or dh feel it was overtly expensive. its all about wha you choose to spend your money on. if dh had ever told me I could not buy our children clothes he would be out the door so fast. However all he does is look relieved he didn't have to do it.

Fairylea · 27/11/2015 06:55

Your dh sound horrid but I totally disagree with posters saying £16 is reasonable for a teen t shirt and if they don't have an expensive one they will get bullied - what a load of crap! My dd is nearly 13 and in her class there is a huge mixture of wealth, no one gets bullied because they have a primark t shirt fgs. If it's a plain one no one is even going to know where it comes from! I can understand the ethical point about cheaper clothes but seriously in terms of style stakes etc primark is very fashionable amongst teens, as are new look and boo hoo etc all teen brands and cheap.

lunar1 · 27/11/2015 06:57

I wouldn't have anyone telling me I couldn't buy my children clothes if there weren't money issues. But your takeaway comment is odd as well, wouldn't you have a takeaway as a family?

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 27/11/2015 07:01

But your takeaway comment is odd as well, wouldn't you have a takeaway as a family?

Sorely it's his take away comment that's odd, not hers? He was the one who said 'I can buy my DS a takeaway at the weekend then', implying it wouldn't be a shared, family take away.

Foslady · 27/11/2015 07:02

Just re read your OP - the takeaway comment......so the spending control goes into food as well????

Seriously reconsider this relationship - you don't need this stress in your life

MythicalKings · 27/11/2015 07:05

He sounds horrible. Why are you with him?

LumpySpacedPrincess · 27/11/2015 07:07

I'm unsure why you even need to think about this, get this man out of your kids life.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 27/11/2015 07:07

Right so he's a total dick but you're still with him - why?

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 27/11/2015 07:22

What's the point of posting about this oaf for years and years? Getting married really isn't that great to justify wrecking your life. You'll have a hell of a time divorcing him. Or enjoy a few decades more of his misery before you die.

Hissy · 27/11/2015 07:22

Please tell us that you didn't read the divorce papers before you moved in with each other?

Cos that would be the definition of stupid right there.

You need to seriously wake up and see what shit you're showing your boys.

They will be gone like a bat out of hell in a very short space of time. Then who do you think he'll turn his attention to wrt spending...

You will NEVER get out if you don't do so now.

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 27/11/2015 07:24

To clarify, I believe Op remains in the relationship because they're due to get married next year and she wants to be married/have a wedding.

Gileswithachainsaw · 27/11/2015 07:24

run away as fast as you can and never look back. he's a dick head and his ex thought so too. you don't need to consult over clothes ffs. dishwasher maybe. necessary clothes. not.

and only on MN would people comment about a teen wearing a 16 quid t shirt.

Ffs he's not a baby any more. the times fir hand me downs and primark sale t shirts are over. they want nice clothes.

Mehitabel6 · 27/11/2015 07:27

There are alarm bells.
If you don't want to leave don't argue or discuss it- just tell him calmly and firmly that you will be buying your DSs things when and if you want to, see no need to consult him and it is not up for discussion, end of subject.

budgiegirl · 27/11/2015 07:29

It really doesn't matter if it's a £3 tshirt or a £50 tshirt. It's YOUR money to do with as you please. If you want to blow the lot on chocolate and fast cars, that's your right.

DinosaursRoar · 27/11/2015 07:29

so, you are either a) spending the money your DS's father gave you to support them on clothes for them or b) spending the money you earned which is your personal spending money left over after your share of the bills have been paid for - and he thinks in either case, he has a right to police how it's spent? Nope, get rid.

Or at least, I would say you can't live together when you have dependent DCs. Some people really aren't compatable with family life, and he sounds like one of them.

tobysmum77 · 27/11/2015 07:35

He hasn't got the hang of logic either - surely the sensible response is that he is free to spend his own money on clothes for his own son?

Which is true but I suspect he leaves that to his ex ......

Just tell him you spend your money as you wish. End of conversation and save the money you were intending to put towards the wedding

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