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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH complaining about ME buying MY kids clothes

146 replies

MucusInMyPoo · 26/11/2015 23:04

I have two teenage boys to a previous relationship. Been with OH about 4 years - lived together for two. We both work full time and earn decent wages. I also get maintanance monthly off their father and still get child benefit.
Issue is - OH gets a grump on everytime I buy my kids clothes. Last week he was complaining that my 16 year old had asked for a winter coat (which he does actually need!!) and now he's complaining that my youngest is asking for a few things. Youngest and I sorted his wardrobe out last weekend and it transpired that he had one decent pair of jeans, two t-shirts that he still wears and a couple of hoodies. That is not much for a 14 year old lad!! So I bought him a couple of tshirts that he'd asked for -£16 each and OH went off on one saying £16 is far too expensive for a T-shirt (for a teenager!!??) and I should have consulted him first and he doesn't approve of me buying him new clothes willy nilly etc. I explained that I do have to buy DS's clothes!! I'm their main carer!! He still wasn't happy and wants consulting about future purchases.
Thing is - his ex noted in their divorce papers thst she had to beg for money for the kids and it would depend on his mood as to whether he would give her it or not. He can't control me as easily as I earn my own money but it is still a flash of her statement isn't it!!
Another classic was him saying that if I can buy ds new tshirts - he can buy his ds a takeaway at the weekend ... As if that's the same thing!!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 27/11/2015 09:53

Groundhog day. You've posted about this financially abusive cunt more than once, to be told to get yourself and your kids away from him. You don't listen.

I feel very sorry for your kids.

mellicauli · 27/11/2015 09:54

He wants all the rights of being parent to your children (i.e having a say in what happens in their lives & the values that you want to instil) but none of the responsibility (i.e joint financial & safeguarding responsibility).

To me it sounds like you have doubts if you want this relationship to go any further. I do think you should consider if he is a good role model for your children or if living with him is the road to happiness.

BaronessSamedi · 27/11/2015 09:57

your poor kids Sad
clearly having a pair of trousers in your life is more important than your own flesh and blood.
merry christmas Sad and enjoy your 2016 with this prick.

manana21 · 27/11/2015 10:00

i'd also say that if you saw that in his divorce papers, that is and was your cue to run. I don't understand why you'd think someone lacking in basic humanity would be capable of change. Making the mother of your kids beg for money is not the sign of a keeper.

Offler · 27/11/2015 10:07

.

OH complaining about ME buying MY kids clothes
seasidesally · 27/11/2015 10:55

where's the op

PrimalLass · 27/11/2015 10:59

If it is the same one seasidesally she never comes back.

seasidesally · 27/11/2015 11:01

thanks,what is the point Smile

PrimalLass · 27/11/2015 11:03

I do wonder ...

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 27/11/2015 11:07

Atleast these boys dont have too long to go until they make a break for it away from this twat their mother has shacked up with.

If any man complained about me being a parent to my kids, I'd tell him to fuck off.

Asteria36 · 27/11/2015 11:24

Having read the thread it would appear you have been advised to ltb countless times here AND in the past few years.
There is no real reason that anyone would want to be with such a bully, but you seem to be happier complaining about it than actually doing something. If it was just you and the cockwomble then that would be fine. The trouble is you have fashioned yourself into some sort of downtrodden martyr and you are dragging your sons with you. Be prepared to lose them altogether when they are older, because if there is one thing children find tough it is a parent putting themselves first.
I love my dh with all my heart, but if he was in any way even remotely shitty (beyond necessary parenting) to my child then I would leave him. My mother put her own happiness first and I was a complete fucking mess for decades as a consequence. I speak to her about once a month, when absolutely necessary, and try not to see her more than twice a year. That is the sort of relationship you are facing with your DC.
Either do something or don't, just stop banging on about it.

trulybadlydeeply · 27/11/2015 11:32

You have come here to ask for advice and opinions, presumably, but ultimately what do YOU think of this?

What do YOU want to do about it? What arrangements did you make regarding finances before you moved in together? Is he sticking to this?

HaydeeofMonteCristo · 27/11/2015 11:36

You know, sometimes I really home this stuff is made up to goad us all. Ops posting the same shit over and over again and never doing anything about it.

I agree with those who have said "poor boys".

ofallthenerve · 27/11/2015 11:40

He sounds awful tbh OP. Do you have reasons for staying with him or do you just not feel inclined to leave? It doesn't sound good if you've somehow got yourselves into a financial tit for tat situation.

LockedBox · 27/11/2015 11:43

"Atleast these boys dont have too long to go until they make a break for it away from this twat their mother has shacked up with"

They've been living with all of this shit for fucking years. It's heartbreaking.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 27/11/2015 11:50

Locked Two years is far too long for it hopefully they wont have to endure it for too much longer. It is heartbreaking. I agree with PP, that OP could lose them one day.

I wonder what these boys actually think of this idiot.

AyeAmarok · 27/11/2015 12:05

Oh it's you again. Same shit, different name day.

OP can you please tell us what you are getting out of posting these identical threads, week in, week, out, for what I think is over a year now.

Why do you do it if you're not going to anything about it, just continue to let your children live in this miserable home, with a fucking horrendous example of a relationship to model their future on.

Are you just trying to wind everyone up? Honestly, what's the point of all this? You post weekly, people respond in the EXACT same way every single time. Then you don't return to the thread. Every God damn week.

creativevoid · 27/11/2015 12:16

My father did this to my mother. It was awful and I am still messed up about money. Oh yeah, and I married a controlling abusive arse just like my Dad. Please think very hard about the impact this is having on your kids.

Goingtobeawesome · 27/11/2015 12:46

Clearly the OP thinks things are different with her. She's special. He'd never screw her over like he did his ex. He loves her more.

NEWSFLASH - they aren't, not to him, he would and is and he doesn't.

ricketytickety · 27/11/2015 13:04

It's not so straight forward when you are in an abusive relationship - it can take years for you to work it out and sometimes after you leave them it only all becomes clear. What is obvious to us might not be to the OP.

Her judgement is based on the whole picture, which is full of nuances we don't know about and will confuse what to us is simple from these snapshots of her life.

When you are in it, you feel like you are constantly fighting the next battle and you can't see the bigger picture. Alongside that, her self esteem will have taken a bit of a drip drip drop battering by him over the years so she can't see the wood for the trees.

Op you have to find your own way in working out what this man is all about. Start by looking up financial abuse and see if it fits. You might find some traits there that sound familiar.

VestalVirgin · 27/11/2015 13:07

I'd also say that if you saw that in his divorce papers, that is and was your cue to run.

This.

@Going: I never understood why women want men who are assholes towards other women. I mean, that's a sign of bad character right there, and even if he was nicer to you, why get into a relationship with someone who treats people he doesn't love like crap?

LockedBox · 27/11/2015 13:13

With respect rickety - this situation has been going on for at least 6 years (I actually think it's longer if it's the person I think it is). I completely understand what you're saying but the OP originally came onto the boards to ask whether she should even date this man - she was given a resounding no. Then she asked whether she should move in with him, again she was told no. She has posted thread after thread after thread - she never engages with anyone just posts a thread and then disappears for a while before coming back, namechanging and starting another thread and so on infinitum.

This means that some posters have been watching this car crash for years, since her boys were little and it's bloody frustrating and horrible.

whois · 27/11/2015 13:37

Groundhog day. You've posted about this financially abusive cunt more than once, to be told to get yourself and your kids away from him. You don't listen.

These threads really piss me off. this OP has been posting for ages and ages and never does anything about it. He's a financially abusive twat who doesn't give a shiny shit about the OP and a actively disalines the children.

Its pathetic, she could be financially independent and move out but she puts her own need for 'a man' ahead of a stable home life for her children.

There will be no winners here.

PurpleThermalsNowItsWinter · 27/11/2015 13:55

OP, I don't even get to say 'I think Ds/dd needs...' DH's reply is always 'if there's money in the bank, get them whatever they want. If there's no money call me and I will transfer some'. Why should you consult a boyfriend on something about your teen Ds when it's YOUR money?

Aeroflotgirl · 27/11/2015 13:57

locked do you think op is genuine? Mabey report if it sounds suspect. If not, then the op is extremely foolish getting into this relationship.