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AIBU?

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Original poster

OH complaining about ME buying MY kids clothes

146 replies

MucusInMyPoo · 26/11/2015 23:04

I have two teenage boys to a previous relationship. Been with OH about 4 years - lived together for two. We both work full time and earn decent wages. I also get maintanance monthly off their father and still get child benefit.
Issue is - OH gets a grump on everytime I buy my kids clothes. Last week he was complaining that my 16 year old had asked for a winter coat (which he does actually need!!) and now he's complaining that my youngest is asking for a few things. Youngest and I sorted his wardrobe out last weekend and it transpired that he had one decent pair of jeans, two t-shirts that he still wears and a couple of hoodies. That is not much for a 14 year old lad!! So I bought him a couple of tshirts that he'd asked for -£16 each and OH went off on one saying £16 is far too expensive for a T-shirt (for a teenager!!??) and I should have consulted him first and he doesn't approve of me buying him new clothes willy nilly etc. I explained that I do have to buy DS's clothes!! I'm their main carer!! He still wasn't happy and wants consulting about future purchases.
Thing is - his ex noted in their divorce papers thst she had to beg for money for the kids and it would depend on his mood as to whether he would give her it or not. He can't control me as easily as I earn my own money but it is still a flash of her statement isn't it!!
Another classic was him saying that if I can buy ds new tshirts - he can buy his ds a takeaway at the weekend ... As if that's the same thing!!

OP posts:
TWOBANANAS · 27/11/2015 07:35

I'm struggling to understand the people slagging you off for paying £16 for a t-shirt. They sound like perfect mates for your DH.

PrimalLass · 27/11/2015 07:40

If it is the same OP as usual then she won't come back to this thread.

PhoenixReisling · 27/11/2015 07:45

What does he propose you spend your maintenance/child benefit on then....most probably him!

He wants to be consulted before you spend this money on your own children....and thinks that telling you that because you bought clothes for your children, he will buy his son a take away Hmm.

Firstly, he sounds controlling and a man child.

Secondly, you have read his divorce papers so know already that he has form for this but yet may marry him Hmm.

persoanlly, I would rather be alone than live like that. What exactly is this teaching your children?

Run. Very fast.

Arfarfanarf · 27/11/2015 07:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheDowagerCuntess · 27/11/2015 07:49

Oh, for heaven's sake.

I'd like to be sympathetic, but unfortunately...

MidniteScribbler · 27/11/2015 07:56

Please do not procreate with this man.

febreeze · 27/11/2015 07:59

It is the same thing? You each spend your own money as can you. he can get a takeaway if he wants. You both sound controlling- not just him.

SettlinginNicely · 27/11/2015 08:04

You are not "indulging" your sons. A couple of shirts is nothing. Of course they need clothes. They can't walk around cold and naked! Your partner sounds mean and controlling. I'd be worried that he would get worse over time.

Brioche201 · 27/11/2015 08:10

You are both as bad as each other! why can't he buy his child a takeaway? Clothing may be a necessity but a £16 t shirt is not! And I say that as the parent of 3 teens

GruntledOne · 27/11/2015 08:20

The cost of the T shirts is irrelevant. The point is that it's OP's money to spend on the children, it's nothing to do with her partner how she chooses to spend it. The partner seems to resent her spending anything on them.

Steamedcharsiubun · 27/11/2015 08:37

He is really tight and in all this I also feel very sorry for his own child and his ex wife.

You mention you both earn well, what other assets do you have?

My mate is well off, her actual weekly income is not huge but she has a spare 100k in the bank and also owns a huge house outright and some land. She married a bloke who bought nothing to the table. The marriage is going through a real bad patch. I did dare ask about asset splitting in the event of divorce, she 'knows that her DH wouldn't do that to her' in other words try and make a claim. She is naive as are you.

Do not marry this man under any circumstances. I have no idea what your sense of self is and what your past relationships were like but better single than with such an arsehole.

LittleLionMansMummy · 27/11/2015 08:48

It's so depressing to keep reading these kinds of threads where adults play tit for tat with their children: ME and MY kids; HE and HIS kids. You are damaging your respective children by behaving in this way. I am well aware of the complexities of blended families, but creating and perpetuating such a division is deeply unhealthy and doesn't bode well for the longevity of your relationship.

We both earn in our household, we both contribute but in reality I am the highest earner. The ds we have together is treated exactly the same as his half sister, my dsd. I'm usually the one who buys ds clothes and necessities as dh is pretty rubbish at it. Does he complain if I'm out shopping and decide to buy ds a couple of t shirts? Of course not. Do I complain if he treats dsd to a takeaway? No! I also ensure we spend the same amount on them both for presents etc. and will offer to pay for her driving lessons when she turns 17. You see, I love her and she's a huge part of our family. Dh will continue to give maintenance (directly to dsd) when she goes to uni and I have absolutely no problem with that. Our family is based on balance, equality, compromise and mutual understanding. The result is that we're quite a united little unit. You reap what you sew.

GreenPotato · 27/11/2015 08:53

You have the right to spend £16 of your money on a t-shirt, whatever anyone else thinks. If it's your money and you can afford it, it's your decision (and not a bad one as a quality t-shirt will last longer and involve less landfill and sweatshop wages, you'd hope).

My only moan about my DP is that he never notices his own kids have grown out of things and somehow it falls on me to keep on top of shopping for them, as he'd never bother until they were visibly in rags (he's the same about his own clothes though). But on the plus side I'm totally in charge pf the household budget (we both work) and would never ask his permission to spend on individual items – and that's shared money do he does have a say, but he would never make a fuss. We'd only discuss bigger purchases like furniture.

You know what your DP is being like is not normal or OK. It's ridiculous. He just can't handle that he has NO control over your money and your decisions, and he's trying to impose his will but it's just making him look stupid.

If you have no DC together I'd be seriously looking at getting rid. You can't live like this.

ihatevirginmobile · 27/11/2015 09:00

My DP can be mean and hates spending money - eg I spent ages finding skinny jeans that would actually fit teen DD1 - found some that was £10 from Asda. (I would have spent more elsewhere if they had fit - only told him because I thought they were a bargain!)

DP asked me if I had looked in charity shops -as that was a lot to spend! (And we aren't struggling for money). But then he grew up really really poor (eg his mum sent him shoplifting for food) so money is a security thing for him. It makes him panicky to spend. We did used to argue a lot as he wanted me to detail everything I'd spent before he'd pay his share.
The solution was (apart from reminding him he will die with money in his account!) I get a set reasonable amount of money every month for the DCs, food, household bills and treats and I spend it how I like - he will make the odd comment (usually I ignore or take the mickey) and he can sometimes be brave and go 'mad' on things like Christmas presents...
I guess if money is tight then it would be worse...but since I understood more about his reluctance to spend it does make it easier.
And to all those saying £16 for a T-shirt is a lot - it is really. My DD has some around that price but she also has cheaper plain ones...
You are fooling yourself thinking that spending more a t-shirt means that the people who made it are treated fairly - unless it is genuinely ethically sourced etc.
www.therichest.com/rich-list/most-shocking/10-major-clothing-brands-caught-in-shocking-sweatshop-scandals/?view=all
www.ethicalconsumer.org/buyersguides/clothing/designerclothing.aspx

GreenPotato · 27/11/2015 09:03

I know it doesn't necessarily mean it is more ethically made, but there are checks you can do. It should last longer though.

Topseyt · 27/11/2015 09:05

How could anyone want to marry such a confirmed and entrenched arsewipe?

I am not the best at spotting name changers, but I am sure I have read a few of the previous posts.

BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley · 27/11/2015 09:06

Oh God, not you again.

What do you expect us to say this time? Hmm

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 27/11/2015 09:07

I don't think that spending more automatically means they're ethically made. However I make sure I only buy ethically made clothing, and this tends to be more expensive. The point was made in response to posters saying '£16 for a t-shirt is ridiculous, just buy some £3 t-shirts from primark'.

Scarletforya · 27/11/2015 09:11

Tell him to fuck off. Seriously. End it.

Waltermittythesequel · 27/11/2015 09:18

Why do you keep posting these threads?

What do you want people to say?

You've been told and told he's an arsehole. You should get rid.

You don't listen, which is your perogative. But, just why?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/11/2015 09:22

Why do you even listen to him? what business is it of his what you choose to buy for your children with your money and the money their father gives you for them?

I fail to see the need for his input at all into this situation. And if he thinks he has any kind of right over this, then you are crazy to still be listening to him and giving his opinion any weight at all.

I see from PPs that you have a history of posting about him and it sounds like he's a dodgy abusive type, so why are you putting up with this, or him?

Just end it for your boys' sake, if not your own.

BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley · 27/11/2015 09:25

Not only is he an arsehole but he is continually spiteful and unkind to you children and plays a constant game of oneupmanship between his kids and yours. AND YOU KEEP LETTING HIM.

YOU HAVE BEEN COMPLAINING ABOUT IT FOR ABOUT THREE YEARS. WHAT THE HELL DOES HE HAVE TO DO TO YOUR CHILDREN BEFORE YOU WILL THROW HIM OUT?

Your sons will really resent you years down the line for this, and it will be totally and utterly your own fault.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 27/11/2015 09:30

Don't be a victim, OP. Get out - if not for yourself then for the sake of your kids. Who come first. Above any wishes about wanting a wedding.

WoodHeaven · 27/11/2015 09:31

How on earth does he have anything to say about how your are spending CM, that is there to buy things FOR the children???

We aren't talking about the common money there. You are talking about spending the maintenance money.
Sorry but he has no say in the matter.

LockedBox · 27/11/2015 09:53

Is this boxroom?