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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

OH complaining about ME buying MY kids clothes

146 replies

MucusInMyPoo · 26/11/2015 23:04

I have two teenage boys to a previous relationship. Been with OH about 4 years - lived together for two. We both work full time and earn decent wages. I also get maintanance monthly off their father and still get child benefit.
Issue is - OH gets a grump on everytime I buy my kids clothes. Last week he was complaining that my 16 year old had asked for a winter coat (which he does actually need!!) and now he's complaining that my youngest is asking for a few things. Youngest and I sorted his wardrobe out last weekend and it transpired that he had one decent pair of jeans, two t-shirts that he still wears and a couple of hoodies. That is not much for a 14 year old lad!! So I bought him a couple of tshirts that he'd asked for -£16 each and OH went off on one saying £16 is far too expensive for a T-shirt (for a teenager!!??) and I should have consulted him first and he doesn't approve of me buying him new clothes willy nilly etc. I explained that I do have to buy DS's clothes!! I'm their main carer!! He still wasn't happy and wants consulting about future purchases.
Thing is - his ex noted in their divorce papers thst she had to beg for money for the kids and it would depend on his mood as to whether he would give her it or not. He can't control me as easily as I earn my own money but it is still a flash of her statement isn't it!!
Another classic was him saying that if I can buy ds new tshirts - he can buy his ds a takeaway at the weekend ... As if that's the same thing!!

OP posts:

MoriartyIsMyAngel · 26/11/2015 23:57

Why stay with this guy when I suspect you know that if he was able to control you financially, he would? You'll have to make sure you're never made redundant, never have a long term illness, or any other crisis, or he'll seize his opportunity and you'll be in his ex's shoes.

I wouldn't want to make a life with a man who was looking for ways to restrict and control what I do. He's really telling you to ask his permission. That's not an equal partnership.

Mypubesarestraight · 27/11/2015 00:02

Does he kick off over Christmas presents and other things your children need?

What is his relationship like with them?

findingmyfeet12 · 27/11/2015 00:04

Have your teenagers picked up on his attitude? It will no doubt cause more problems as they get older and begin to notice things.

MaidrinRua · 27/11/2015 00:04

Seriously though...

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 27/11/2015 00:06

Nope, just no. I could never be a relationship with a tightarse.

I actually do consult my dh (admittedly the father of the dc) about most purchases, just because we're very open and discuss most things together. But I generally buy the dc's clothes, and would not dream of 'running it by him first'.

I would be very wary of a man who complains about this - he will come between you and your sons.

AndNowItsSeven · 27/11/2015 00:07

Yanbu however £16 for a tshirt for a 14 year old that isn't a birthday/ Christmas is excessive.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 27/11/2015 00:07

Love the Monty Python

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 27/11/2015 00:09

Yes, you can Tshirts in Primark for £4. But perhaps she wanted ones that a) her DS liked, and b) wouldn't look like dish cloths after one wash.

bessiebumptious2 · 27/11/2015 00:12

Major turn-off. I couldn't live with that.

MaidrinRua · 27/11/2015 00:13

Not everyone wants to buy Primark tshirts for their kids...I know I wouldn't feel comfortable with my child wearing clothes made by children in horrific conditions...

MummyZELC · 27/11/2015 00:13

How dare he think he can tell you what clothes you put on your kids backs. Cheeky bastard my DH wouldn't tell me what clothes to buy for OUR KIDS I'm their mum and I dress them, it's just the way it is

findingmyfeet12 · 27/11/2015 00:15

£16 for a t-shirt seems very reasonable to me.

Unreasonablebetty · 27/11/2015 00:19

Ugh he sounds awful OP, it's none of his fucking business what you spend on your kids unless it's coming directly out of his pocket.
And by the way £16 for a top for a teenager isn't exactly frivolous.... You can't buy too cheap or you'll need to buy it twice over.
I don't know how anyone else looks at it, but the child maintenance and child benefit is for things the kids need, like new clothing.

I want to know why he is this way though, is it through anxiety regarding finances or is it purely control for him?

KeepOnMoving1 · 27/11/2015 00:20

Why do you keep complaining about him yet still with him? It's pointless.
Your kids most definitely will have picked up on this. Get rid of him like his ex did.

RonaldMcDonald · 27/11/2015 00:22

YANBU

I'd seriously consider being in a relationship with this man he sounds a nob. Poor you and your boys

Busyworkingmum71 · 27/11/2015 00:23

YANBU, but a compromise might be to give your ds's a clothing allowance each month, and get them to buy their own clothes. Useful life skill - shopping for themselves and managing money. My DDs both get clothing allowance and pocket money. I still pay for underwear, school uniform and school shoes, and coats when needed. But fashion items its up to them. That way its budgeted every month and he will have less opportunity to moan. if you save up their clothing needs until they have virtually nothing left it can seem like an unreasonably big splurge.

That said he does sound like a total tightwad and a financially abusive arse. Not sure I'd want to be with him.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 27/11/2015 00:25

Jesus Christ! I don't remember any of your previous threads so may be oblivious to a back story if there is one but what a knob!

I have a 14 year old DS. They need clothes. Of course you shouldn't have to consult DP on every essential clothing purchase!

Aeroflotgirl · 27/11/2015 00:31

Id be telling him to feck the hell off. This woukd be a dealbreaker for me, a big red flag.

TheFairyCaravan · 27/11/2015 00:36

Didn't you post this last week?

He's still an arse. He always will be an arse. It doesn't matter how many times you name change or post the same thing he will not change. The man is a twat.

pissedonatrain · 27/11/2015 00:46

I suppose he thinks the DC should just wear old rags. What is stopping your from telling this tight arse to feck right off?

ohtheholidays · 27/11/2015 01:03

I've always said that all 5DC come first for me,I left 2 relationships both long term,1 was a marriage because of the behavior towards the children.

My DH gets that the children come first for me and they all come first for him as well.

I could not stay with someone like your OH OP he sounds like a selfish arse!

poolsclosed · 27/11/2015 01:08

Op, I wouldn't even try to reach a compromise with your OH. You bought clothes for your DC with your own money. It's fuck all to do with him and I find it to be a massive red flag that he even thinks he should have a say in it.

I think what you've described goes beyond being tight. He sounds financially abusive.

incywincybitofa · 27/11/2015 01:13

You and your Ex have an agreement of some sort of what is reasonable for clothing expenses and you manage it between you
WHY aren't you heading for the hills instead of coming on here to ask if you are being unreasonable to get your sons stuff that they need and you and their father can afford
The takeaway is a red herring unless he wants to have it in your home without you and or your boys in which case hills are that way

amarmai · 27/11/2015 01:15

keep your finances separate and avoid joint purchases. when you decide you have had enuf of his controlling, it will be easier to ltb.

Kampeki · 27/11/2015 01:26

I very rarely join in with the LTB chorus, but on this occasion, I think you need to dump and run.

He is annoyed by the fact that you are providing for your children, and he wants you to consult him before spending your money on your kids. I'm sorry, but he sounds like a controlling bastard who really resents and dislikes your children.

You deserve better than that, and so do your boys.

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