to wonder why I always end up being bullied?

[bulliedAndEmbarrassed]

Is it just that I notice it happening, and then dwell on it? Do i care too much what some people think? or is it that I am just fundamentally crap in a variety of ways? What can I do to stop it, other than just jumping off a cliff?

Some people seem to always have problems with particular figures. Some people are always "targeted by authority". I seem to have been being picked on by the cool kids all my life. I know that I'm probably too likely to notice and dwell on the quiet comments, the shared smiles, the dismissive put-downs, the eyerolls.

But i should have grown up and got over it by now. I'm nearly 40, and my wellbeing no longer depends on watching my mother and sister gang up on me. It's no longer 5th form latin with the bitchy girls exchanging smiles every time I got something wrong.

It seems that everywhere I can be bullied by someone who likes to bully, they will see something in me, very quickly, and let rip. It probably doesn't help that I've worked in academia, where bullying, appalling behaviour with no consequences, and strange power dynamics are rife. Everywhere I've ever worked I have been deliberately torn to shreds, either by supervisors who've decided I was a waste of space and used every opportunity to subtly or not so subtly tell me I'm an idiot; people competing for a supervisor's attention, who loudly dwell on everything I've ever done wrong, and dissect anything I've ever done right until it looks like a fault; or (more often) by middle-aged women who see something in me and instantly decide to destroy me with very petty schoolyard bullying.

At the moment I'm doing freelance work so i don't have to deal with colleagues because I got to the point of suicide I was being bullied so much at work. The freelance work is fine. But the bullying is now coming from a couple of men in the choir i sing in, who for some reason think I'm useless, and take every opportunity to point out to others that i'm no good. It also still comes from family - my mother and sister don't worry me any more because i see them as pitifully dysfunctinonal - but for example my parents in law think I'm useless, and make sure i know it.

It would be possible to conclude that I'm just useless at everything and other people are giving the reality checks that i need. But on paper I'm not that "useless" - I had a high-flying academic career with a good publication record and lots of external funding. Now I have a freelance career that is going well. I am not that bad at music, or that un-self-aware, that I would have misplaced confidence in my ability to sing in the choir I'm in (and it gets reauditioned every year and i've never not passed an audition). I'm not thick, I read stuff, I observe, I don't witter on with crap or destroy other people, I try to be friendly, helpful and kind. But i'm always on the outside, and am so often being put there deliberately by the "in crowd".

I'm like the archetypal weedy kid in glasses who gets sand kicked in his face - but my life seems not to have the children's story happy ending where the kid ends up coming out on top.

I think it's more a matter of interpretation - if someone laughs at me I don't think 'no one likes me I'm shit, everyone's against me.' I think, 'oh they're not very nice, oh well.'

I think though telling people that they are perceiving things incorrectly says otherwise. I think it's more likely that the person is correct, I went through school with dm telling me I was paranoid (she was trying to help...! ) but I was right. Where I went wrong was how to use the information to my advantage and to plan my action.

It's incredibly patronising Callindana to say "i mean this in the nicest possible way".

Lol I did that too

Use the information to your advantage to plan your action? It sounds very...embattled. Living among other people needn't be so confrontational IMO.

I know blobbity. I am trying to be helpful but I'm very much getting the sense that I'm not.

Yes that's right. A lot of people aren't nice, but I think you don't pick up on it like I and others do.

My main point is that there is a way for things to get better but it involves a change on your part (as you can't change everyone else).

I do pick up on people not being nice - my older sister bullied me relentlessly for my entire childhood. I don't speak to her now, there's no point. What she taught me is that some people are just horrible, but most are just thoughtless. Others are fantastic. Unfortunately you have to wade through them all and get through your life as best you can.

At some point you have to decide just how much energy you're going to devote to other people and how much you're going to spend on yourself. Energy spent worrying about or engaging with arseholes is entirely wasted.

Which I agree with, but pretending it isn't there in my personal experience isn't the way of dealing with it.

I am a happy confident adult, honestly, but its like I can read peoples minds and pick up on atmospheres immediately. To me it's a part of me and its a positive part of me, but you need to use the information in the right way and not dismiss people who see the world this way as paranoid

So how do you use the information in the right way?

I never said anyone was paranoid by the way. Paranoia is a genuine mental health issue. I am saying though you can waste such a lot of mental energy on people who really don't deserve it and who aren't wasting nearly as much energy on you.

I use the information by putting my energies and attention into people and situations that give positive vibes. But to some extent it depends on the situation. Anything that appears negative I ignore or find ways round. Personally I'm a very very strange combination because I have a lot if the personality traits of people who tend to be bullied but people generally see me as someone not to be messed with .

The paranoia comment is something I've had personally aimed at me in the past. People tend to minimise it when I know a group of people don't like me, as a teenager that messed with my head and affected my self esteem.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Highly_sensitive_person

So you ignore/circumvent negative things - which is exactly what I was saying

I think you become more sensitive the more it happens to you.

Yeah I think that's true but it is based on working situations out, which I felt further back was being minimised. For me that sixth sense when I walk into a room is absolutely key and it isn't something to not worry about/ talk down.

Its hard just typing on mn, maybe I read you as minimising this when you weren't. As a teenager people did that to me lots though and it was totally unhelpful....!

I have a strong intuition about people too toby and usually it's right. I do work situations out but beyond that I don't give much thought to the people who clearly don't like me or who want to bully me as they simply aren't worth my precious energy.

Yes exactly its just wording on mn, we are probably fairly similar. Its hard to explain stuff and easy to read something in a particular way.

I think you are unlucky, it's not you

Choirs and academia are the two most bitchy environments I know.

Too many big ego's. Too many insecure people who need to feed their ego by putting others down.

There is someone I work with who is convinced we are horrible to her and bully her, bascially. The thing is, she's kind of a bitch to us! She walked into the room where three people were and asked one person a question, the other two carried on a conversation they were already having. The first person answered the question but she was focussed on the fact everyone didn't stop talking when she came in, missed the answer and stomped out sighing heavily and muttering about how rude we were not to talk to her. Nobody did anything wrong but she would have felt got and and slighted all day, probably. It's an odd situation. She drives people away by being snippy and cold and then gets upset that we're not friendly to her...

I've had that situation too Brian - another example is school mums complaining I don't say hello. I feel like I have to be 100% chirpy and friendly or I'm seen as being a bitch while they're perfectly entitled to pass me, eyes down and say nothing.

I've also had a situation where a person was clearly desperate for me to like them, which is so incredibly uncomfortable and just puts me off entirely.

But the majority of us aren't desperate to be liked or demand the complete attention of everybody when we walk in a room.

We just want to exist without people having a go at us for nothing or belittling us.

Of course blobbity. But everyone is a target at some point, it's just a fact of life, what's different is how people deal with it.