to wonder why I always end up being bullied?

[bulliedAndEmbarrassed]

Is it just that I notice it happening, and then dwell on it? Do i care too much what some people think? or is it that I am just fundamentally crap in a variety of ways? What can I do to stop it, other than just jumping off a cliff?

Some people seem to always have problems with particular figures. Some people are always "targeted by authority". I seem to have been being picked on by the cool kids all my life. I know that I'm probably too likely to notice and dwell on the quiet comments, the shared smiles, the dismissive put-downs, the eyerolls.

But i should have grown up and got over it by now. I'm nearly 40, and my wellbeing no longer depends on watching my mother and sister gang up on me. It's no longer 5th form latin with the bitchy girls exchanging smiles every time I got something wrong.

It seems that everywhere I can be bullied by someone who likes to bully, they will see something in me, very quickly, and let rip. It probably doesn't help that I've worked in academia, where bullying, appalling behaviour with no consequences, and strange power dynamics are rife. Everywhere I've ever worked I have been deliberately torn to shreds, either by supervisors who've decided I was a waste of space and used every opportunity to subtly or not so subtly tell me I'm an idiot; people competing for a supervisor's attention, who loudly dwell on everything I've ever done wrong, and dissect anything I've ever done right until it looks like a fault; or (more often) by middle-aged women who see something in me and instantly decide to destroy me with very petty schoolyard bullying.

At the moment I'm doing freelance work so i don't have to deal with colleagues because I got to the point of suicide I was being bullied so much at work. The freelance work is fine. But the bullying is now coming from a couple of men in the choir i sing in, who for some reason think I'm useless, and take every opportunity to point out to others that i'm no good. It also still comes from family - my mother and sister don't worry me any more because i see them as pitifully dysfunctinonal - but for example my parents in law think I'm useless, and make sure i know it.

It would be possible to conclude that I'm just useless at everything and other people are giving the reality checks that i need. But on paper I'm not that "useless" - I had a high-flying academic career with a good publication record and lots of external funding. Now I have a freelance career that is going well. I am not that bad at music, or that un-self-aware, that I would have misplaced confidence in my ability to sing in the choir I'm in (and it gets reauditioned every year and i've never not passed an audition). I'm not thick, I read stuff, I observe, I don't witter on with crap or destroy other people, I try to be friendly, helpful and kind. But i'm always on the outside, and am so often being put there deliberately by the "in crowd".

I'm like the archetypal weedy kid in glasses who gets sand kicked in his face - but my life seems not to have the children's story happy ending where the kid ends up coming out on top.

Fair enough. I've had a few personal comments made about me down through the years (who hasn't) and have never had to do anything about it - I just ignore it.

Good for you, cailin but the OP says she dwells on comments and isn't able to get over them. Hence my advice.

It seems to me that if the OP wants to improve her relationships then confronting people isn't really going to help.

I totally relate to this. I was bullied in primary and senior school. At work in my 20s I had a colleague who decided to 'bring me down a peg or two'. I think it comes down to unpleasant individuals spotting a vulnerability and using that to make themselves feel better. I'm less vulnerable these days and tend to try to rise above people like this which helps.

I realised about a year ago that I'm not NT - I'm waiting for an ASD assessment but also suspect I'm dyspraxic. Recognising this has made me understand why I might seem different and a bit odd and therefore a target. Also ironically it's made me feel less vulnerable because I see them as features of a condition rather than being 'me'. Not sure if it helps you but worth mentioning.

I agree with cailindana. Confronting people often backfires. It's best not to let people think you care what their opinions are.

Choir man sounds evil. His comments to you were shocking regardless of your own struggle with relationships.
I would leave this choir and join another.

I certainly wouldn't be leaving a choir because of one rude person. There are rude people everywhere - why let them dictate your life? He's clearly an idiot so ignore ignore ignore.

Go on YouTube and search "Bill Harris on the secret"

Cailindana everyone is different, there is no right or wrong. Personally I am particularly susceptable to picking up on subtle signs so people don't need to overtly behave like a nobber towards me necessarily. In a choir like that there would be a bad atmosphere, and I would hate going. I agree re confronting though......

People have tried bullying me plenty of times down through the years and they simply haven't succeeded because I don't give them any space in my world to so - I cut off their oxygen so to speak. The OP wants not to be bullied and this is what's worked for me. It's not the only possible thing to do but it is effective.

I am becoming more like you cailindana. Dicks don't get much of my time anymore. I've never been shy - actually quite Bolshi and probably someone you would never expect to be bullied.

It's definitely subtle things I used to pick up on and then dwell on when I was alone. Always wondering the then if I have said / done the right thing. It's just horrible and I think I can relate to or at least sympathise with you OP. The men in the choir sound like giant bellends btw. I hope you know their opinion counts for sweet fuck all.

I generally agree Cailin, but personally I would find a nicer choir is all I'm saying. It's meant to be fun surely???

True toby but the OP said she doesn't want to leave. Finding a choir that suits you is really really hard - they're not everywhere and they're not all the same.

Well I guess in the weighing up between spending an hour a week with unpleasant nobbers or giving up singing when you don't actually sing the result may be different to if you do .....

Lots of people are giving excellent advice but just to say yes, if you've been bullied by a parent then I think other bullies can smell it off you. I sometimes wonder if those responses we give off are too ingrained to really change, because even though these days I'm a fairly robust character who can laugh this stuff off/hand bullies their arse back in a paper bag, still they try it on with me.

I agree with first poster and others along the line of once it's happened it can keep happening because a bully spots the weak spot and the cycle continues. I think you have to try and follow the cliche "fake it to you make it". You'll have to rise above it and pretend you dont care. I imagine/guess maybe you do care and probably let people into your world and let them have a say over you far too easily. That's hard too. Try and remember that people need to earn your trust before they are meaningful to you. Everyone puts on a front and just because they respond a certain way with you it doesn't make them any better or worse as people or to show you they are someone you can trust (or not). Trust takes sooo much time to build. Don't rush it. Work colleagues are work colleagues. Unless there are people you have commonality with and you have time to build friendships with then the other people around you are probably just acquaintances and not real friends. Treat them as such.

Re bullying: rise above the bullying and act like you don't care, otherwise these people will try their bullying ways on you. Some people are just like that but they are often way more broken than you. So keep your head up and know you're doing better than them :) there will be people out there who treat you well and are kind but it may take some time to find them. Best of luck.

Good question op.

I was bullied all through school. Looking back I feel sad that my teenage years were spent thinking I was fat, ugly and good for nothing. I spent my 20s building myself up and realised that actually, it's not a massive problem to be introverted and I'm anything but shy. And I'm neither fat nor ugly.

It's been twenty years since I left school and despite my best efforts, I now find myself being bullied by colleagues.

I'm treated like like utter crap. Ignored, excluded, belittled. I'm senior to all the bullies but strength in numbers and the fact I'm new (eight years counts as new) means my work life is currently miserable. On the one hand, I don't care: they'll trip up one day and it says more about them than it does me. But on the other hand, I would like to sit in the staffroom to have my lunch instead of sitting in my car. I would like people to at least look at me when I'm speaking instead of turning their heads away. It would have been nice to have been told when the Christmas do is. It would be nice to walk into an office and for someone to say "morning" back.

I'm certain it's jealousy. And it's not me, it's them. But it still hurts very much.

I get the impression that some posters believe that there are people out there who have never been belittled or treated like shit. Not so. IME absolutely everyone has been treated badly at some point, the difference is how they deal with it. In your case Sopranos it sounds like major, widespread bullying that should be dealt with by your company.

Cailindana - you know because whenever you enter a new group, it's you that's bitched about first.

Having had an awful time in the school playground with a couple of other mums, I decided to enrol for a course at college. Within a few days a couple of the students were bitching about me, in my hearing. My crime - staying until the end of the test. I hadn't studied anything for about 15 years so was slow. I didn't hear anybody else being bitched about. Just me.

We had a teacher though who picked up on it and really became quite negative towards the initiator. He heard it and was on it. But it almost makes you feel more self conscious and embarrassed that someone has stepped in to protect you - even when you're 48.

I'm not belittling your experience for a second blobbity but I've been the first person bitched about in the past - in fact I've had mums stand across the school playground from me and very obviously talk about me. I simply ignored it. When those two mums are together they ignore me entirely but when they're each on their own I smile and say hello to them and they smile back. I get what's going on with them - they're both very insecure, they've both been having a hard time and they've bonded over laughing about me. When they're on their own they don't have that shared thing so they're just normal. It's nothing much to do with me at all and there's no point in me worrying about it in the slightest. Equally if someone commented in my hearing about me finishing a test it would barely register with me - why would I care about a comment like that?

Also, how do you know you're the only one being bitched about - you can't hear everyone's conversations?

You can just kind of feel it welling up against you. A few will be kind but the majority will not look you in the eye or engage with you because you've suddenly become unpopular.

You're lucky - you automatically see it as their problem.

But a lot of people don't. They wonder what they've done, said to offend that person.

I mean this in the nicest possible way blobbity but you have to understand that there's nothing welling up against you. You perceive it that way but that's not what's happening, simply because you aren't that important. People are getting on with their own lives, worrying about their own things. They're not really devoting much time or energy to thinking about you at all. However, if you give off the vibe of being defensive, looking for insult, always worried about what people think, you will make people feel uncomfortable and people will avoid you.

Cailin in the nicest possible way I don't think you are someone who is particularly sensitive. People are different and pick up on different things minimising that in my personal experience is unhelpful. To deal with it you need to learn to use the insight that you have positively.

I am pretty sensitive, in the sense that I pick up easily when someone doesn't like me and I'm aware if I've pissed someone off etc. I don't go through life oblivious. But I am also aware that people aren't out there waiting to get at me and that mostly it's just people being people.