To think Stay-at-Home Mum does NOT equal Stay-at-Home Cleaner?!

[SlinkyB]

Just had a shouting match with DH as he was pissed off I suggested we take it in turns to do some long-arm cleaning jobs this weekend, whilst the other looks after the kids.

He works full-time in a local office. I'm a SAHM to a 22mo and 4yo, who's just started school.

During the week I do all school runs, food shopping, cooking, vacuuming, dusting, washing up/dishwasher, change bedding, all laundry and 50% of the ironing.

I do not have time to do stuff like cleaning the oven, deep cleaning bathrooms (x2) or bedrooms (x4) or conservatory.

I think we should share those jobs. He wants me to do them whilst he takes ds1 to the cinema Said "SAHM goes hand-in-hand with cleaning".

Last time I checked, my name wasn't fucking Cinderella

Shh! shutupandshop.

SAHM's are not allowed to want to do it and moan. It's their choice after all.

Moaning is only for those who must do it because it's the only option for their families.

I don't think anyone was suggesting she doesn't shutupandshop. It's just that being a SAHP with someone who doesn't respect you and your contribution, which OP says DH doesn't, isn't a great position to be in. Regardless of whether you're happier at home.

I wouldn't necessarily advocate going back to work immediately, but am glad OP has a plan that involves paid employment sooner rather than later. Not because being a SAHP isn't totally legitimate, but because you need to be appreciated when you're doing it. The more OP says about DH the worse he sounds. I too would like to know what happened with the big cleaning jobs when she was recovering from her brain injury. If I were a betting woman, I'd say they all got left for her to do once she could drag herself out of bed.

I wouldn't go back to work to spite my dh.

No advice sorry but I'm going to read through everyone else's as I'm in the same situation atm. Husband working full time but home by 5 and does nowt except "doing the kitchen" occasionally (which involves listening to his podcasts and taking an hour to load the dishwasher!) We are also in the process of moving house which I can't do single handedly with a 3 month old ebf baby to care for - I feel thoroughly overwhelmed by it all to be honest
Sending and sympathy xx

Do you mean if you were OP you wouldn't go back when the youngest turns 3 as preagreed, in order to spite DH? If so, serve the bugger right, but probably not in OPs interests. Or do you mean you think going back now would spite her DH? If so, what do you think that has to do with anything?

'I work 40 hours a week (he does 35) yet I still do 80-90% of the household chores, including the shopping etc too, bed time with my DS take on average of about an hour of fighting with him until he finally gives up, and he still doesn't sleep through.....im like a walking zombie most of the time......he thinks because he does more than what my friends partners do that makes him great......no....no it doesn't......hes still lazy

you DH sounds like a complete ass......YANBU'

Yours is, too, everything. I would not have procreated with a person like this.

OP I'm worried about what you mean by him having a temper, you're clearly unhappy with your place in the family unit and there needs to be more respect for you, but I don't know how to suggest bringing this up :(
Especially if he wasn't even willing whilst you were recovering from a brain injury. Maybe going back to work is the best thing soon.

I just can't agree with some of the people here saying to be a SAHM is to be the cleaner in all aspects, this thread has baffled me. General daily housework and doing what you can whilst at home with little ones (as OP is doing) sure that's fine, it makes sense, but as a grown adult expecting someone else to do everything even when being asked for just a bit of help now and then - she's not asking for too much - it's just a little sad.

Everyone here seems to be different and what makes some people uncomfortable others are perfectly fine with - that's up to us individually and within our relationships - but I personally would not be okay to be 'expected' to take on everything without question or help when needed.

I do see a difference between taking some time out to be a stay at home mum for however long and being a housewife permanently. I want a family but my dream is not to 'keep house' forever, and I don't see why until I go back to work I would 'have' to do everything just because I'm at home all day. It's managing that expectation and both being able to enjoy family life, about sharing and being equal, if the male/female roles were reversed I wouldn't expect that. Lucky I have a DH that agrees with me I suppose.

Being a SAHP with a partner like this is grim. I would review whether to continue being at home and in the relationship!

YABU but it depends on what sort of children you have.

When our kids were very young, DW and I did tag team. I generally found ways of fitting in tasks: bathroom, vacuuming, oven, etc. DW always said she couldn't "because she was too busy looking after the kids".

She hates housework and still puts it way down her priorities (although she will never admit this). I always made sure she had a cooked meal when she came in from work: she never reciprocated because she was "too busy". I put it down to the fact that she grew up in SA with a maid who did most of the housework, so she never learnt how to do it properly herself.

Unless you have lots / really difficult kids, it seems logical that the SAHP should do most of the housework because it's more convenient for them to do it. You don't need to follow your children round the house like a bad smell making sure bits don't drop off them.

The OP does do most of the housework.

YANBU. I don't think the split should be 50/50 with a SAHP as I do think they have more time to clean and therefore should manage what they can in terms of day-to-day stuff. But anything you can't reasonably be done in a normal day should be done together, as quickly as possible, in the evenings or weekends, so family time can be enjoyed. And clearly the OP cannot move sofas and the like by herself. So her DH has to help.

However, the idea that every second of your day with your child should be spent entertaining/educating them (as some posters - not the OP - imply above) is ludicrous. It is norma, and I would say important, for kids, even as young as 22mo, to appreciate their parents have to do housework and chores during the day. It is as part of life as jigsaws and soft play and playgrounds.

I find the get a job comments a bit daft. Perhaps op doesnt want to work but be a sahparent?

Perhaps that's how the DP feels which is why he wants to spend time with his children at the weekend taking them to the cinema.

I'm sure there are lots of men who would happily be a SAHP but who feel they must be the breadwinner and go out to work so their partner can stay at home instead.

OP: Could this be how your DP feels? It seems he does want to spend time with his children at the weekends so maybe deep down he'd like to spend more time with them. When did you last discuss the working/SAHP split with him? If it was more than a year ago, it might be good to talk about it again.

I wouldn't go back to work to spite my dh.

Wow! What a wonderful loving relationship that would create! Can't say I'd envy the children growing up in that household.

What I meant was only go back to work if you want to not to get at dh.

I think mostly, the house work can get done as part of a normal week

Id be a bit at a SAHP leaving 'big jobs' for me to do at the weekend, after I'd done a 40+ hr WOH week

In my mind, cleaning the oven isnt a big job

Maybe the dh, thinks you are yaking the piss a bit?

Thing is, research shows time and again that even in a working mum / sahd situation the woman ends up doing the majority of the housework.

I think ya'll need to read Wifework

OP's husband does not respect her and she is afraid of him. You need to get back to work ASAP before your confidence starts grinding down.

You can simply turn it around and say. I never understood this attitude of house wives. What the fuck did they do before they had husbands to go out and earn the money for them?

This. Sorry, but YABU. You want your partner to do half of the housework and half of the childcare, you're right, he should. But you should do half of the work outside the home as well, or it isn't equality. It's one person playing at grown-ups, and the other actually doing it.

Did the OP say she wanted her DP to do half the housework and half the childcare? I have read her posts and can't see that she did, just some help with the 'long arm' jobs. Maybe I am wrong.

What do you mean DH would never agree to getting a cleaner? Is he the boss of you or something?

Tell him he helps you or you get a cleaner. End of story.

Time to woman up - who the fuck does he think he is?

I'd be cross too if I'd worked all week and the bulk of the housework was left for me at the weekend if DH had been home all week. It takes a few minutes to clean a bathroom and bedroom. I'd be equally if he only did 50% of the ironing on purpose.

It's only fair to shoulder the house burden if not working, otherwise the other gets no free time with their children or no break despite being the only one earning to feed everyone.

DH would never agree to getting a cleaner! Even when I had a newborn, was recovering from a brain injury, and had a 3yr old he wouldn't get one. Not in his nature

Why isn't he doing the cleaning then?? If he is so precious about it, then let him have the mop in his hand.

I was a SAHM to look after our children, not to clean the house. I cook from scratch, do the laundry, keep the house tidy and clean day to day, but we have always had a weekly cleaner to do the bulk of it.

Reading these posts you would think it was 1950.

Not surprised that he 'won't agree' to getting a cleaner. This is an inadequate prick of a man who is determined to keep OP in her place ie his servant. There really are men who think that women exist purely to service men and that him being the one who earns a wage makes him the ruler of the household.

Sadly there seem to be some women who think this way, as well.

Nope needastrongone she did not. Indeed, she explicitly said she does the majority of the housework and the stuff she is looking to split with DH represents a minority. The previous poster just pulled that out of their arse.

YANBU to want your DH to help out more. I'd be mad if my DP wanted to take my DD out for a fun trip so I could stay at home and clean.

I'm a SAHP and see my role as looking after my DD. If when DP comes home DD is happy, fed and clean then I have done my 'job'. I don't want my DP to come home to an untidy house so I tidy up and do the washing/laundry etc daily so that DP doesn't have to.

He had to do all those things when he lived alone and worked full time, now he doesn't do them he gets more time to himself. If I worked full time it would be split 50/50 on a daily basis so again he would need to do more.

Monday-Friday the only jobs he does are making up his own lunchbox and taking out the rubbish. At the weekend jobs are split 50/50. I don't think it's fair for a WOHP to come home to a tip (not saying you do this AT ALL op!) but at the same time it's not fair for a WOHP to have all weekend to themselves while the SAHP does all the housework.

If was a sahm (if only, maybe one day) I would expect to do all the cleaning and cooking etc except for late garden chores and diy