AIBU to ask how to deal with accusations of bullying?

[Whattodowhatodo]

Warning, I will probably ramble and make this long.

So, my DD in YR 4, along with 2 other girls, has been accused of bullying by another girl (I'll call Sally) and her parents. The girl moved to the school last year and this year has been in the girls' circle of friends, but it has been a rocky relationship. Sometimes DD and the other 2 girls (who have all been in class together since reception) just want to do their own thing and according to DD, Sally is often demanding that DD and the others play with her. Because Sally has had a lot of difficulties at home with a critically-ill parent, the teachers often take Sally's side and just tell the girls to be kind and play with her. Which they do, but at one point were rather frustrated from no one seeming to care about their side of the story. It seemed to have settled down in the past month or so, with the girls sometimes playing, sometimes not. Until it all suddenly happened on Monday.

On Monday morning, Sally's parents were in to talk to the head teacher. I know this because Sally was in the office when I had to speak to them about some admin things and she told me. They told the head that they are taking Sally out of school and moving her to the same school where her siblings are (as I said, they moved to the area only last year and had to take places where they could). Partly because it's closer to their home, partly because it's the same school where her siblings are and partly because they say Sally has been bullied.

Right after this meeting, the head called DD and one other girl (the other was out of school that day) to discuss it. They were basically told that Sally was leaving because of them and their behaviour towards her. Of course they burst into tears and were apologetic, but honestly, I think that was because they were scared and it was expected, rather than any actual guilt about it. I got a call after this from the head, who gave a couple of examples of this "bullying" behaviour. The one was that Sally came to sit down at the table with the others at lunch and they all pulled their chairs away from her. The other was that they were in the playground equipment and said another (not involved girl) could come and play but not Sally. None of our 3 girls can remember either of these things happening. Nor can the other girl. I can't believe that all 3 of them would be colluding so much as to lie directly to all their parents at this age, I honestly think it was something that either a) didn't happen b) was misinterpreted by Sally or c) happened so long ago that the girls can't remember.

I don't know Sally well, but one of the other mums from the 2 others accused of bullying does, and says she has a tendency to drama and has often stretched the truth around her. I know my daughter is no angel and probably not the most sympathetic to other's troubles, but simply based on the examples given, and only given by one other student without any confirmation from any adults, I'm finding it all a little troublesome that our girls were called in and blamed by the head without being given any mediation before.

The girl Sally is starting at the new school on Monday, and it's Monday when we have to go in to talk to the head teacher about what has happened and how to go forward from here. I don't know what to expect from the meeting and I don't really know what they want from us.

Feel free to take a hard line with me if you think I'm being one-sided in this. I know I'm more even about this than the other 2 mums, but that doesn't mean I'm completely neutral of course. I would like some advice in how to handle the whole situation, with school and with my DD.

The head was correct to flag it and have zero tolerance. However it sounds like the girls would benefit from group work to iron out nasty bulling

Can I ask what you mean by kids finding out where they are on the totem pole?

It implys a that you think there is some sort of pecking order. There was in my school, I was at the bottom of it. Luckily this kind of attitude is being stamped out now.

If 3 colleagues go for a coffee or lunch or an after work drink together and 20+ are not involved in the lunch or coffee or drink plans of course that is absolutely fine and utterly normal.

Yes, but it would not be fine if they said a colleague couldn't join them for a coffee in the staff room during the working day.

Sometimes children seem perfectly happy in class and at playtime and then parents come in to talk to the headteacher about bullying. Nothing has been said to the class teacher and often the children in question appear to be friends in the staff's eyes. So either the child is exaggerating or some sneaky stealth bullying and excluding is going on. I've certainly seen some very nasty, cruel behaviour from chn who would generally be considered 'wonderful' students. Staff can't see everything and some chn are very good at picking their moments.

No I'm not missing that aplace I'm saying that the parallels to being excluded in the workplace hold no water because being excluded from a group of 3 is a non issue when there are 20+plus other people about. Being excluded by a group of 3 is only isolating if there are only 3 people working in your office... if there are 20-30 colleagues its totally fine for a group of 3 colleagues to eat lunch together, and properly weird for a 4th colleague to insist on being included.

Before somebody says "but these are not adult work colleagues" of course they aren't, I was responding to the people saying "you wouldn't like it if your colleagues excluded you from their lunch plans"...

I don't know how people can be so sure from the OP's posts that there is "a sustained campaign of bullying" rather than 3 kids who have been friends for years and sometimes just want to play together. They may have been thoughtless and a bit mean due to being fed up of quite a demanding child not leaving them alone, or they may have deliberately set out to bully the new girl - but I have no idea how people can be so certain it is the latter from what the OP has posted.

It would certainly be better if the school had helped Sally form other friendships rather than just saying the three girls who were initially kind to Sally have to play with Sally if she wants them to, whether they want to or not, and they you don't they are bullies... That's rather lazier and less satisfactory than helping Sally form some other friendships of her own so as not to be reliant on 3 kids who don't always want to play with her. Nowhere has there been any suggestion there are only 4 girls in the class, or that it is an especially small class...

I agree, excluding someone in the playground is very similar to a group of people refusing to let someone sit in a close empty chair in the staff room.

But also this isn't a one off incident, it's one of many and as a result, it is persistent low key bulling

I think in this situation, given Sally's circumstances at home, that the 3 girls should have been spoken to and encouraged to play with Sally. It sounds as though they just didn't want their little friendship group to change. But they are chn and don't always think about how their feelings hurt others. They would have no concept of Sally's troubles unless someone, teacher or parent, take the time to explain to them.

We don't know what happened here, but the idea that you can't be bullied if you are only bullied by a minority is ridiculous.

The fact the OP mentioned the long standing friendship suggests that the parents had no intention of helping Sally either. Thank god DD new y6 class are friendly and welcoming.

It's the way girls (and sadly some women) behave....that's not to say it's right.

I don't agree. The majority of girls don't behave like that. There were a small minority of unkind boys and girls in my children's primary classes, but the majority were nice.

At 6 or 7, our teacher told me at a PT meeting that dd and her little group of 3 from afterschool were excluding another girl.

This was delivered to me in a fashion such as 'they are very close and want to be together but are excluding another little girl whose mum has complained'.

dd got the most stern talking to ever. It is not her place to exclude ANYONE from play. It is her place to INCLUDE everyone. The whole 'how would you feel'.

dd takes responsibility now in a way, to make sure everyone is included in play (apart from boys lol) and has been cited as being 'excellent' in interpersonal relationships in every single school report since. She is 11 now. Little girls love diva exclusive status. 'Tis in our nature. But 'tis also in our nature to be naturally kind. So, a good chat with your dd should help.

I think the girls need to learn a lesson in empathy and support.

I agree with green18. I've actually been in your shoes OP with a DD and good friends being pressured to include a girl they didn't really like all that much. We backed the school 100%. I let DD complain, but just kept reminding her of what our expectations are. Luckily all the other parents had the same values so the girls did learn to be more accepting and surprise surprise, eventually the girl became a real friend.

As a primary school teacher carla it's pretty common that girls act like this. I'm not saying it's right, just that Sally won't be the first or the last.