to not send my Dd back to school until they address my concerns

[Allisgood1]

I am fuming.

Dd is 7. She is VERY shy and sensitive (and yes, probably very annoying for teachers).

In June she fell off a fence after school and hurt her wrist. The next morning she was fine but she was holding her wrist close to her. DH took her to school and specifically asked that she not do PE as she had a sprained wrist. She did PE. When I picked her up they said "oh she was fine to do it". Dd was still holding her wrist in one position and very tearful. I took her to ooh and she had a broken wrist. Our fault for not realizing but we also hadn't been with her all day.

About two weeks ago she had a filling at the dentist. The next morning she was complaining of pain so we gave her calpol and ibuprofen and sent her to school (with the meds) and told the office to call us if she got any worse. That afternoon when DH picked up her teacher said she shouldn't have been sent in. That evening an ooh dentist diagnosed her with an abcsess. When I emailed the teacher to explain she would likely be late in Monday as we were taking her to the dentist she said that Dd was "unable to concentrate and very tearful on Friday". Wtf wasn't I called then!????

Yesterday was final straw. She was fine going in but had missed two doses of antibiotics because school didn't give them to her at lunch and didn't give them to her at going home time (by the time we realized it was evening). I had a call from the office saying Dd had been for her flu vaccine and the nurse had taken her temp and it was "very high" and the nurse had advised she go home. Dd got home and looked awful. How in the hell did she go all day without anyone noticing "Dd looks unwell".

The school is new and they obviously care about their Ofsted but the neglect in care to protect attendance records has resulted in a loss of trust. I emailed the head and said she won't be coming back until I am able to come in and review their sickness at school policy. Am I overreacting?

I fully accept that perhaps I shouldn't have sent her in (in hindsight) but parents are called in for a telling off regularly (we have managed to avoid it so far) if attendance dips below 90% I think. And it doesn't matter if they are excused or unexcused. So I am trying to avoid that. So you sent your child in twice, in pain, to avoid a "telling off" for low attendance??

So you complained to dh?

And stopped him caring for her then?

You see, that's the bit I disagree with. I think it's very difficult unless they vomit or collapse, especially when a child is generally quiet and keeps a low profile. With my ds1, I can tell at a glance he's ill - he gets a certain "look" about him. But my dh can't often spot it, let alone his teacher. With ds2 I usually discover he's got a high temperature as my hands close around his neck (joke). He never says he's feeling ill, just acts up - but only at home, at school he just soldiers on then unleashes it all on me at 3.30pm. Teaching a child to speak up if unwell is really very helpful (but also difficult).

Its easy to miss a sprained/fractured wrist but the OP thinks only the school are to blame.
A tooth abscess doesn't develop in one day- if my child had severe pain after a filling I would go back - if they developed a filling I would be mortified as well but that's just me.

The OP missed both these things but for some reason doesn't think its her job as a parent/or her DH to make a sensible judgement on sending the child to school.

I sent my DC to school with a broken wrist and a tooth abcess because I didn't notice they were unwell, but Im fuming the school didn't notice either

Agree with others that the school,has been slightly at fault, but that not everything that you are describing is their problem. I also think you've been unlucky Gavin 3 incidents so close together.

• PE with sprained wrist - no, the teacher shouldn't have overruled you there, but I would have put such a request in writing for clarity. Not the teachers fault that it turned out that wrist was more than sprained, obviously.

Not giving agreed medicine - school at fault. But I've had this happen in the past - in a busy school, this sort of thing can easily be forgotten, as it can be at home. I certainly didn't (& wouldn't) complain. I also think that it can be difficult for a teacher to spot that the quiet sensitive child is poorly - they are always quiet, and maybe a bit prone to drama/tears so it's less obvious (I have one tearful drama llama and one robust, will-you-just-sit-quietly sort. The latter is easier to spot when poorly)

I absolutely agree with others that you need to ignore the possibility that you might get a low attendance record when making these decisions. If your DCs is too poorly to go to school, don't send them. You are the best person to make this decision - you have one child, who you know well, so your judgement is likely to be right. The teacher is juggling the needs of 25-30 children, and is also meant to be teaching them! You also need to bear in mind when making the decision that he child needs to be capable of maintaining the rigour of school - a child who can cope with a sofa day is not the child who can cope with a day of school, iykwim.

I also agree with the poster who suggested that maybe you are feeling bad for your dc and blaming the school for what are really not big issues to make you feel a bit better - I certainly feel guilty if I'd sent the dc to school and they turn out to be ill - I always feel I should have known.

I think YANBU to complain about the missed meds and being told to do PE even though they'd agreed she would be able to miss it.

Re: picking up the ABs at the end of the day: "I know I would forget to check in the chaos of pickup"
And that's dealing with one or two of your own children. Imagine the teacher's job of dismissing 30 kids to the appropriate adult. In our school, ABs are kept in the fridge in the staffroom. I cannot leave my room to go and fetch them.

Frankly, I think that the first thing a parent would do, whose child had been under the weather to the extent this one clearly had been, would be to check out how they looked immediately on seeing them and saying "have you got the ABs? No? OK, let's go to the office and fetch them." How on earth could you forget? I don't make that 50% the school's fault, but 100% the parent's.

I dont understand what people are struggling with.

1)She fell over, OPs, DH deemed her ok, took her home, put her to bed. He took her in the next day and requested she NOT do PE because of sprained wrist. School ignored the parents request. OP took to OOH when she picked her up. Broken wrist.

SCHOOL IGNORED PARENTAL REQUEST TO KEEP HER OFF PE.

2. Child was post filling, in discomfort but ok with pain relief. OP sent her in with pain relief and asked school to call if she got worse or seemed unwell. On pick up the teacher said she shouldn't have been in school, and later said she'd been tearful all day.

SCHOOL FAILED TO INFORM OP CHILD WAS WORSE AS REQUESTED.

3. Child sent in with AB's. School failed to give them despite paperwork being filled in. Also didn't hand them over to bring home with child. Child went for flu vaccine during school and nurse took her temp and advised she should go home.

SCHOOL DIDNT GIVE MEDS AS PROMISED OR FOLLOW NURSES ADVICE TO SEND HER HOME

How is the OP at fault in any of that?

I also think it's not always as easy for a school to notice when a child is ill as a parent who knows them well as children tend to display illness in different ways. I think that's why if it doubt it's often best to keep them home, or give the teaxher proper guidance on what to do if they seem X, y or z.

My son when ill just goes very pale and quiet, if it wasn't for the fact this is highlighted in his care plan as a time to act then I wouldn't expect school to notice as quickly as I would.

And of course at the other end of the contacting parents scale how often do we see parents complaining school have been too quick to phone them, sometimes they can't win!

Your cherry picking the facts there Skullyton.

You need to keep her home if she's ill or has an injury.
That's your decision, and the school will presume that if your child is deemed well enough by you to attend then she's there because you have deemed that she is ok for school and everything that that entails.

School isn't a sick bay. It's not like nursery where they didn't mind helping with coats and blowing noses and making nests for them to lie down and have a rest. It's a busy working environment and there are a lot of children for one overworked adult.

It takes time to build the confidence to make the decision to keep her home, but you're the parent, and you need to work on it.

Your dd needs to work on her assertiveness skills. Role play , IE saying out loud her needs might help.
Her shyness I presume comes from you? So you both need to get on it. Special snowflakes you're not. They melt in a school environment.

You need to develop a better system of communicating with the school- a letter is always useful, as it's written down and portable. For example you could write your request for medication doses on it and your dd could show it to the relavent teacher /office personnel/ nurse.

In my dcs school, we never send them in if they're poorly as school is active and they need their wits about them. School isn't a sick bay holding area or triage centre.
It's a working environment and children and teachers are there to work. If they're sick, they should be somewhere else getting better.

I hope your dd is on the mend. Keep her home if she's poorly.

You say she is very shy, maybe she will act as if she's fine for teachers who ask?

She does tell you though, you will just need to keep her home if in doubt.

CrayFishYuck "did you know that schools are rarely in the wrong on MN?"

Whaaaat??? EVERYTHING in life is the fault of schools, or more specifically, teachers and nowhere is this more obvious than MN.

OP, I don't want to derail the thread (which is full of people who can't seem to understand the points you are making, thanks to the poster above me who has spelled it out again!) . However I think maybe the root of this situation is your DD. You say she is very shy. I think it sounds like she may have some quite significant communication difficulties. She hasn't apparently felt able to advocate for herself. Did she know the medicine was forgotten but didn't say anything? Knew she was feeling really unwell but didn't say anything? Knew she wasn't meant to do PE but didn't say anything? If the answer to those questions is 'yes', then I would say her 'shyness' is affecting her ability to communicate even very important messages and that needs addressing. Does she ever initiate conversation with the teachers? Does she speak with them fully and freely? I think these incidents are symptoms of a little girl who can't get her voice heard, and that is potentially a worry.

So, let me get this straight. You sent your daughter, a child, to school on three occasions when she was unwell because you, as an adult, didn't want to get in 'trouble' for her attendance.

Then, because she wasn't sent home from school for being unwell on those occasions, you subsequently decide to keep her off school indefinitely because of perceived failings in their care? Despite the fact that the whole reason this situation arose in the first place is because you were fearful of her being absent and how this would reflect on you?

If it was me I would have words with them about the missed medication and then chalk the rest up to experience - and next time the child is ill, keep her off, and if the school want to get arsey about it, let them, secure in the knowledge that you did the best thing for your child.

Yes paula, the facts pertinent to the ops ire with the school.

Is this a case of working-mum guilt?

Who took the PE session? Maybe it wasn't the same teacher your dh spoke to in the morning and therefore the message got lost. Not good, but can happen. Teaching in a primary classroom is like spinning 100 plates and occasionally some of them are going to wobble and fall.

Agree with anyfucker. I don't blame you for making the wrong call in deciding to send her in, but I don't think you can blame the school for making the wrong call either (when you know how easily that is done). I don't see the logic in you keeping her off when you say one of the reasons you sent her in in the first place was because you didn't want her to have a poor attendance record. My kids are at school in France and if you want them to miss sport or anything like that you have to have a medical certificate which I always thought was a complete pita. Having seen this thread I am beginning to see the logic.

Surely it a child is injured enough you think they should miss pe then you would be taking them to get checked at that point? Otherwise you would take a carry on as normal and we will see how it goes approach?

And totally bypassing the op's errors and why she was unreasonable Skullyton.

No one missed those points but you missed a heck of a lot from the op's post.

1)She fell over, OPs, DH deemed her ok, took her home, put her to bed. He took her in the next day and requested she NOT do PE because of sprained wrist. Didn't write note, and highly likely request forgotten or another teacher took PE. OP took to OOH when she picked her up. Broken wrist.

PARENT DEEMED CHILD FIT ENOUGH FOR SCHOOL AND SENT CHILD TO SCHOOL WITHOUT WRITTEN NOTE REQUESTING PE EXEMPTION

2. Child was post filling, in discomfort but ok with pain relief. OP sent her in with pain relief and asked school OFFICE to call if she got worse or seemed unwell. On pick up the teacher said she shouldn't have been in school, and later said she'd been tearful all day.

NO-ONE ALERTED TEACHER OR TA BUT EXPECTED OFFICE STAFF TO COMMUNICATE WITH TEACHER

3. Child sent in with AB's, despite this not being necessary as could have been taken at home. School failed to give them despite paperwork being filled in. Also didn't hand them over to bring home with child and parent did not ask for them back.

50:50 THIS ONE

Well, no, not necessarily. I think avoiding PE for a couple of days is a reasonible middle ground, whilst swelling subsides or bruising fades. However, I wouldn't be as cross as the OP if it didn't work out.

It's not like having a sick day at work where you're concerned about getting fired from your job. Stuff the school attendance record, the point of keeping those records is not to make ill children worse. Kid is ill, stays home. Inconvenient if not a SAHM though. Sounds like that is the actual issue here. I remember snoozing under my mum's desk with flu aged about 8. Mum was pissed off but apparently had no choice but to bring her sick child to work that day. How sympathetic is your boss to taking a day off to care for dd when she's sick OP?

Completely agree with AF. However, I'm a bit confused about the antibiotics. When you say the school didn't give them to her, do you mean physically pass them back? If that's the case I'm afraid you/pick up person, has to take responsibility for that. Most days at pick up its a case of, right, let's check We have your bag/inhaler/coat/hat/reading book.

The other things seem to be a breakdown in communication between yourself & the school. I strongly suggest that rather than take a confrontational stance (it's all the schools fault), I would work to develop better lines of communication between Yourselves/child/school...after all, which approach would best benefit your child, who, at 7 years has some years to go at the school.