Aibu? Dm and ddad questioning my parenting long

[Esmeismyhero]

I have written a fair few threads about things that are going on at home. I have had a few days to think and I need some support, advice and anything you lovely mnetters can offer.

This post is outing but I'm past caring and I don't want to name change.

My dd is 3 yrs old 4 in March, she was born with the 7th cranial nerve missing (resulting in a paralysed face on the right side) now she's older other medical needs etc have become apparent.

Hyperacusis - we always knew she was sensitive to sounds but now she is able to vocalise what hurts, is uncomfortable etc. We have been referred to ENT to have tests and possible have a hearing aid that emits a low frequency so sounds are not painful.

Long sighted - her right eye has a larger perscription ion than her left but she needs glasses and the optician thinks she will always need glasses. No other eye problems apart from needing eye drops because she cannot close her right eye.

Recurrent infections - Utis mostly, she has had scans on her kidneys which appear normal but has microscopic blood in her urine constantly and has been hospitalised twice for iv antibiotics for uti alone. She is now under a renal specialist.

Sleep apnea - she would stop for up to 20 seconds, due to her paralysis but she had enlarged tonsils and adenoids, she had her tonsils and adenoids removed on Friday just gone (and the reason everything has blown up), she was hospital until yesterday because she suffered a bleed from the throat and had a post op infection which she was admitted for.

Behaviour issues - this is the link to my thread

Blood disorder - she has a condition where her blood clots too much so is monitored after operations and treatments but so far hasn't had to have blood thinners.

Hypermobility - again she has been referred to a specialist.

So in all dd has had problems since birth but I think we have all coped very well, dd was going to preschool but has not been in 2 weeks due to sickness (uti) and medical appointments plus an operation.

She has been referred to an education psychologist who will assess dd before she starts school in September to see if she needs additional help etc.

So dd had her adenoid/ tonsillectomy on Friday, she was released Friday night, Saturday morning she had quite a big bleed and was admitted again (apparently this can be common) she then started having rigors and fevers in the 40s so she was treated with antibiotics and released yesterday afternoon.

So Monday I came home from the hospital and dh stayed with dd for a few hours, I got my ds from school, tidied up a bit, got some more things for hospital and just had a break because I was exhausted.

My ddad had a day off work and didn't even ask about dd but proceeded to lay into me with the following points.

• dd shouldn't of had her tonsils out because she never had tonsillitis (obviously but it was for sleep apnea which my parents think doesn't exist and I'm just being over protective).

• the reason she got an infection after the operation is because I gave her a bottle of milk, plus she didn't need the operation anyway.

• I'm forever getting her tested and in his words "she's been stuck (I guess her means blood tests) cut (I guess again he means operations) and tested and she isn't having a childhood.

I'm taking away her childhood because she's always in hospital or being tested for something.

She's had two general anaesthetic Mris because they didn't know what was causing the palsy.

In ddad and dm words "there are children with spina bifida and worse conditions that dd and because she doesn't have anything life threatening" I should stop all treatments and let her be a kid. When she is older and has the ability to make decisions then she can be tested "poked and prodded".

I tried to explain to them that I know they are worried as am I but I cannot stop her having her glasses, hearing tests etc because she needs these things.

My ddad then said I was making everything seem bigger than it was (I faked her opticians exam and apparently just requested her tonsils removed and the Drs agreed) and so they will support me but they won't give me any sympathy.

My ddad said he was going to report me to social services for child abuse because "I won't leave her alone".

I did ask why they chose to do this when dd was in hospital and I've got enough guilt about dds medical conditions and apparently I was making it about me again.

I was so tired and tbh the thought of not getting my dd medical treatments she needs because my parents (who have given me enough problems, I've been through hell with them tbh) think I should let her be a kid is ridiculous.

Ddad said I didn't even let her play with dolls? I don't know what that was about but I think he was clutching at straws.

I went back to the hospital in tears (I didn't get a word in edge ways to try and make them see reason) dh is furious.

My dsis lives next door to me and our parents are round everyday, I'm not an argumentative person so I just stayed quiet, this morning they came through my back garden to access my sisters house.

I went round to say dd had been released and to say hi. Ddad walked off and didn't say a word, dm just said she knew she was released, then looked in my back door saw dd had just pants on then lectured me on why she wasn't dressed. The reason is because she is very itchy, hot and still having fevers. The house is warm and I'm not going to make her uncomfortable.

Dh wants to move, I want to scream. We're so stressed out and now I'm worrying about social services knocking on our door because of my parents.

I spoke to my health visitor and she said nothing would come of ss because I'm doing everything a responsible parent would.

I've made an appointment with our gp to discuss my parents concerns and she is going to kindly write a letter to ease their concerns, I don't know what else I can do. I just need to concentrate on dd getting better but now I hate myself for everything she is going through.

I have depression from when I was a teenager and suffered panic attacks etc and after my parents rant at me I had a panic attack which I haven't had in years. It was horrible.

What do I do? Aibu? I need someone to talk to.

Put a combination padlock on and give dsis the combination. If she tells ddad then change it.

"and eventually just walks into my house like nothing happened"

Take some control & don't allow access.

If he wants to see you he'll have to ask.

Start to protect your daughter & yourself from him.

Surely your husband can't really like the fact that your parents just walk in and out of your house as if it's theirs?

No we both hate it, always have hated it.

Dh has always wanted to say something to them but I've always said there is no point because they will only twist everything he says and ride off on their high horses into the sunset.

I've been thinking all day and can honestly say he is bat shit fucking controlling. When we went away for the weekend and he wouldn't let us talk to our kids, he also "tidied and sorted" our garage which meant a lot of stuff got chucked.

Who the fuck does he think he is! I'm so angry............

Good good, harness the anger, it will help you deal with this situation.
Let your DH have his say to them - if they ride off, so much the better!
And yes, stop the access through your garden. When you move house, the new owners aren't going to tolerate it, so your sister might as well sort her shit gate out NOW as she's going to have to when you move.

You ARE going to move, btw. It's the only way to truly send the message that they are no longer going to control you.

Who the fuck does he think he is!

Quite.

Sort the gate, change the locks. Move, move, move.

He is so wrong on so many levels. Glasses are cool, DD gets way more positive than negative comments. He's a good 30 years out of date on the ease of getting tonsils out. It is really, really important to keep on top of UTIs because of the risk of kidney infections and scarring. You sound like a brilliant mum and you will be even better without this drip, drip, drip on your judgement. Plus seeing you being treated like that is damaging for your children too. And pg because you "kissed too many boys?" Fuck the fuck off.

No that sounds fine Esme and very decent of you I think,your parents are beyond lucky that your even giving them another chance and if they can't see that then more fool them.x

Jeez! Your parents are truly vile. I agree that limiting their route through your property is a good way to avoiding criticism. Is there anyway your parents could park at the front and use your dsis' front door?

Re your dd and her glasses etc. mine have nowhere near the health concerns of your dd. but glasses are one thing we are really good at. Dd1 (7) has had them since she was 2, quite a strong prescription, we have them thinned as they'd weigh heavy and slide down her nose. Twins have had them since they were 8mo. Twin son's script is stronger than dd1's! He also has to have an op in about a year to sort the muscles.

Twin daughter is currently a concern with her hearing. It may be an op, it may be grommets. We're waiting on further investigation. But as any parents does, we do these things for them because they are in their best interest. Especially while they are so little. You are doing no more or less than any good parent would and I hope your parents don't have you second guessing whether you are doing the right thing or not. They have chosen to bury their heads and not accept your daughter and your family for what you are. I'd say that says more about them and how they parented you than yourselves.

Esme I'm a bit concerned that you posted this in Aibu tbh. It sort of indicates to me that you were questioning your own reasonableness compass when you first posted, and so I wonder just how brainwashed you've been to even consider that any of their actions are reasonable. (Hope that makes sense - bit tired!)

You're beginning to get angry - rightly so. I really, really hope this is a turning point for you - you genuinely don't need shit bags like this in your life, and your DC most certainly don't.

Your Dad has been your Dad for however many years old you are- you telling him to respect your boundaries isn't going to fly I'm afraid. That would be him giving you control over your space and I don't think he will do that from everything you have written I just don't. He might pay lip service, but it wont last and wont be genuine.

Lock that gate, don't give your sister a key or combo because she will give it to them, because they will make her. If your dad is so handy he can fix her frigging gate give him something to do.

With the gate locked he wont be able to just walk in- he will have to ring the bell and apologise. I assume he has a key so change the locks.

IF you and your DH want him to respect you, you are going to have to square up your shoulders and roar.

I'm so sorry op. Your parents are unbelievable. Stay strong. You don't deserve this shit.

I can't really add to what the others have said so have these instead

Good luck op, you can do this. Focus on how much better you're life is going to be when you don't have this stress in your life. It'll probably get worse before it gets better, but it will be worth it.

Well dd had a shit night, she's been crying and whimpering. She has a weird rash (completely disappears) from the meds I guess.

No more temps though she's just in pain. I miss the gap appointment because ds wouldn't get ready for school and dd was screaming :( so I'll call apologise.

To make things worse ddad and dm walked through the gate this morning in full view of ds who them had a meltdown.

I went to say good luck to my sister as she's got N important meeting today and ddad and dm are looking after kids/supporting her etc.

I asked Dm to please go round and say hi to ds because he say them And is confused, she said no worries. Came round gave ds a kiss and then was all "I love you baby, see you later, have a great day" to me. Which I reciprocated because I do love her so much. :(

Dh wasn't impressed she came round but I explained about ds seeing them etc.

Because dsis is nervous about today I didn't say anything about the gate Nd I didn't want to upset her, make today more stressful so dh and I agreed that we will be approaching the gate issue this weekend. Everything with dsis will be settled and it will be calmer.

Dh and I looked at our finances last night and we won't be able to move anything soon :( plus we love our house. The kids schools are amazing and our town is beautiful.

I lived here first, then we took dsis in when she was in a bad patch, she moved next door and parents didn't move here till 5 yrs after me.

They all came here and now I have to go! Lock on the gate is a go this weekend.

OK, lock on the gate is a start.
Can you move even just a little bit, so you're still in the same town and have the same school catchment? You're just all so on top of each other at the moment (I did see what you said about the finances - what about seeing if someone in a different part of town would consider a house swap?)

So I've been back to the Drs because dd is smothered in the rash now. She's really itchy too. Gp says its viral. Can she not get a break ffs?

I've spoken to the gp and contact lift for cbt.

Hopefully hear from them soon and dd feels better soon. She's so pale and lost weight my poor love.

What sort of lock are going to get. You need one that they can not reach over and open and at least one for each gate so they can not come in from your Dsis garden to use it.

Hope your dd feels better soon.

tbh my ddad can be intimidating
If what I suggest goes badly, I'd suggest contacting the local constabulary or a solicitor about a restraining order. Pretty extreme but he sounds like he needs a wake up call and a 3rd party cautioning him might have more credibility.

He tidied out your garage and dumped stuff? Does he have keys for your house and garage [or was it unlocked]
Start with the house and sort new locks if necessary and put a proper lock, YALE or similar ideally so you can access your back garden from the rear easily. Depends on the design of the gate though.

Re your sister. If funds don't run to a house move then I'd simply say that your folks can no longer use the garden as a cut through. If you really want oil the wheels and funds are tight then by all means offer to help her out with a new gate but that's over and above frankly. If your parents want to avoid what looks like a short walk then they might offer to upgrade it.

Is there another gate in the garden between your two properties? That also needs a lock on your side and hers.

I'm sorry your DD is in a miserable place right now and I hope she improves over the weekend. You need resolution on this gate issue though as it's affecting your mental health. I think if you give your DH the go ahead to actually do it he'll have it sorted by Saturday morning

Im sorry your so stressed op.
Hope your little one feels better.
Camomile cream from the pharmacy is very soothing.
I get rashes from the sun, infections and stress and i found it good when i didn't need steroid cream. X