Aibu? Dm and ddad questioning my parenting long

[Esmeismyhero]

I have written a fair few threads about things that are going on at home. I have had a few days to think and I need some support, advice and anything you lovely mnetters can offer.

This post is outing but I'm past caring and I don't want to name change.

My dd is 3 yrs old 4 in March, she was born with the 7th cranial nerve missing (resulting in a paralysed face on the right side) now she's older other medical needs etc have become apparent.

Hyperacusis - we always knew she was sensitive to sounds but now she is able to vocalise what hurts, is uncomfortable etc. We have been referred to ENT to have tests and possible have a hearing aid that emits a low frequency so sounds are not painful.

Long sighted - her right eye has a larger perscription ion than her left but she needs glasses and the optician thinks she will always need glasses. No other eye problems apart from needing eye drops because she cannot close her right eye.

Recurrent infections - Utis mostly, she has had scans on her kidneys which appear normal but has microscopic blood in her urine constantly and has been hospitalised twice for iv antibiotics for uti alone. She is now under a renal specialist.

Sleep apnea - she would stop for up to 20 seconds, due to her paralysis but she had enlarged tonsils and adenoids, she had her tonsils and adenoids removed on Friday just gone (and the reason everything has blown up), she was hospital until yesterday because she suffered a bleed from the throat and had a post op infection which she was admitted for.

Behaviour issues - this is the link to my thread

Blood disorder - she has a condition where her blood clots too much so is monitored after operations and treatments but so far hasn't had to have blood thinners.

Hypermobility - again she has been referred to a specialist.

So in all dd has had problems since birth but I think we have all coped very well, dd was going to preschool but has not been in 2 weeks due to sickness (uti) and medical appointments plus an operation.

She has been referred to an education psychologist who will assess dd before she starts school in September to see if she needs additional help etc.

So dd had her adenoid/ tonsillectomy on Friday, she was released Friday night, Saturday morning she had quite a big bleed and was admitted again (apparently this can be common) she then started having rigors and fevers in the 40s so she was treated with antibiotics and released yesterday afternoon.

So Monday I came home from the hospital and dh stayed with dd for a few hours, I got my ds from school, tidied up a bit, got some more things for hospital and just had a break because I was exhausted.

My ddad had a day off work and didn't even ask about dd but proceeded to lay into me with the following points.

• dd shouldn't of had her tonsils out because she never had tonsillitis (obviously but it was for sleep apnea which my parents think doesn't exist and I'm just being over protective).

• the reason she got an infection after the operation is because I gave her a bottle of milk, plus she didn't need the operation anyway.

• I'm forever getting her tested and in his words "she's been stuck (I guess her means blood tests) cut (I guess again he means operations) and tested and she isn't having a childhood.

I'm taking away her childhood because she's always in hospital or being tested for something.

She's had two general anaesthetic Mris because they didn't know what was causing the palsy.

In ddad and dm words "there are children with spina bifida and worse conditions that dd and because she doesn't have anything life threatening" I should stop all treatments and let her be a kid. When she is older and has the ability to make decisions then she can be tested "poked and prodded".

I tried to explain to them that I know they are worried as am I but I cannot stop her having her glasses, hearing tests etc because she needs these things.

My ddad then said I was making everything seem bigger than it was (I faked her opticians exam and apparently just requested her tonsils removed and the Drs agreed) and so they will support me but they won't give me any sympathy.

My ddad said he was going to report me to social services for child abuse because "I won't leave her alone".

I did ask why they chose to do this when dd was in hospital and I've got enough guilt about dds medical conditions and apparently I was making it about me again.

I was so tired and tbh the thought of not getting my dd medical treatments she needs because my parents (who have given me enough problems, I've been through hell with them tbh) think I should let her be a kid is ridiculous.

Ddad said I didn't even let her play with dolls? I don't know what that was about but I think he was clutching at straws.

I went back to the hospital in tears (I didn't get a word in edge ways to try and make them see reason) dh is furious.

My dsis lives next door to me and our parents are round everyday, I'm not an argumentative person so I just stayed quiet, this morning they came through my back garden to access my sisters house.

I went round to say dd had been released and to say hi. Ddad walked off and didn't say a word, dm just said she knew she was released, then looked in my back door saw dd had just pants on then lectured me on why she wasn't dressed. The reason is because she is very itchy, hot and still having fevers. The house is warm and I'm not going to make her uncomfortable.

Dh wants to move, I want to scream. We're so stressed out and now I'm worrying about social services knocking on our door because of my parents.

I spoke to my health visitor and she said nothing would come of ss because I'm doing everything a responsible parent would.

I've made an appointment with our gp to discuss my parents concerns and she is going to kindly write a letter to ease their concerns, I don't know what else I can do. I just need to concentrate on dd getting better but now I hate myself for everything she is going through.

I have depression from when I was a teenager and suffered panic attacks etc and after my parents rant at me I had a panic attack which I haven't had in years. It was horrible.

What do I do? Aibu? I need someone to talk to.

First off, your parents are behaving very badly. But you knew that. It may well be out of love and concern and frustration, but none of that makes up for the fact that they know they're upsetting you and are STILL DOING IT.

Secondly, if you're going to try getting your GP to talk to them then I suggest you get your DDad to come in and talk about it face to face rather than via a letter. It would be better if you could find a male GP to talk to him IMO, because some men will only believe important medical information if they receive it from another man failing that, the face-to-face approach beats the written word in such situations.

Good luck.

It's hard enough caring for a disabled child as it is. You really don't need all this extra crap from your ddad. He won't stop - he's just ramping up. You need to move.

DS2 had his tonsils and adenoids out by his 3rd birthday because of chronic tonsillitis. The problems with his tonsils caused speech problems (didn't learn to form sounds correctly) so he had to have hearing tests and speech therapy. He is also long sighted and had a significant difference between his eyes so had to have one eye patched for quite a while until the hospital were happy.

So if this is the level of intervention needed for a child with no underlying disability it is not surprising your DD needs more.

Your parents would probably say I was a bad parent and I would probably tell them to fuck off.

Your parents are toxic.

Move. Get the Estate agents round to put a sign up. You instantly will feel so much better.

Your DH, DD and you need to be surrounded by loving supportive people. Everyone else can sod off.

I think you are doing a wonderful job of caring for your DD.

I can understand your DH wanting to move, even if it's just to the other side of town.

I think you need to get bigger boundaries with them, not see them as much, not tell them as much about your DD.

I think you need to find a stock phrase to reply to your dad's shitty comments and I don't think they need to be overly polite

"You're wrong"
"You are not a Dr"
"It's not up for discussion"
"We are doing the best for OUR child, with the full support of medical professionals"

Based on his disbelief of anything being wrong with your DD, and his unwillingness to seek any type of medical opinion, I would never leave him in sole charge of her.

Sounds like your doing an ahmazing job, it would be negligent to do what your father suggests and just ignore the situation. I'm sorry but your dad sounds like a knob.
Just ignore ignore ignore and if he keeps ranting state 3 points;
1)I'm sorry but we're you asked for your opinion?
2)have you magically gone to medical school and gained knowledge and experience over a varied group of medical proffessionals?
3 )tell him to call social services if he wants the cruel fucker that he is! They'll see your doing an ahmazing job and hopefully he'll get in trouble for wasting their time!
He clearly has some issues of his own don't let him project onto you and make you feel rubbish for doing your job as a mum.

I've read your othr threads now and was struck by two things.

First you report you are a 'close family'. No you aren't. You are a family where adult children are suffocated and not allowed to grow up and develop their own personalities. You have to stick to the rules laid down by your Dad at all times.

Second that 'he has our best interests at heart'. Again, I don't think so. I'm not convinced your Dad sees any of you as independent people with thoughts, ideas and rights of your own. You are just characters in a movie where he is the star. Everything he does is with HIS best interests at heart - whether he will look good, be rewarded, get attention. Whenever you express ideas even faintly different to his, all hell breaks out until you go back in your box and start behaving to his wishes again.

Listen to your DH. You are doing a wonderful job but you need to be free of your family.

Thank you everyone, I feel a bit better

imperial I stopped doing the family meal stuff for a little while now they hardly come into our house because after the whole not letting me speak to the kids when I was away.m

We all do meals separately and the weekends we don't see them, I think ddad is upset because he doesn't see dd as much but it was/is getting ridiculous.

I've just spoken to my dsis and explained how I'm feeling and that I won't be round her house etc when my parents are there.

She respects my decision and agrees with me.

I'm going to sit down with dh and discuss moving again.

Going NC is most likely going to happen even if we don't move we can quite easily just ignore them etc.

I'm so glad you have the support of your dh. He sounds like a rock. And your dsis. You've been a through a lot in your life.

Screw your appalling parents, Esme. Before we even got to their behaviour in your OP I was in total admiration of your sanity, calmness and coping skills with what sounds like a very difficult set of physical issue with your daughter. You sound wholly admirable, your parents sound ignorant, deluded and aggressive. I'm with your DH, I think - move away.

The fact that your parents were trailing through your garden to get to your sister's house within a few hours of such an unpleasant attack- and, I have to say, that you actually went around to say hi - suggests a total lack of boundaries. Don't try to placate them, they need to know their behaviour is completely unacceptable. Before you can move, erect very firm boundaries as an interim measure. Keep them away from you. You're not 'close', you're being suffocated by parents who don't respect you or support your very difficult parenting decisions with a young child who has needed a lot of medical interventions.

merry dh can be selfish at times but when it comes to my parents he is amazing.

Moving away would be a really good idea.
If you can't do that, limit contact to an hour a fortnight in a public place, until you've established some boundaries in this relationship - expect this to take at least a year!
Get some help/some more help - counselling for yourself, about your dd and coping with her condition/s and about your relationship with your parents. Both are really big matters to tussle with so don't expect speedy results.
You are coping very well with your dd's needs, making sure she has the treatments that are thought appropriate.
Your parents aren't helping. We only have your side of the story but frankly, its your side that counts. Your parents seem over-involved, controlling... you don't need the extra pressure of that relationship.

Sounds like it will your family the world of good to get some serious space from your parents. Besides, you wouldn't want your DD to pick up on what your Dad says as she gets older - that could mess with her head big time.

Don't give SS another moments thought. Your concerns about being reported are documented, which is good, and they'll just think he's bonkers (he is) if he spouts all this stuff.

Amazing how your Dad feels you have the persuasive superpowers to get operations and MRI scans gallore from medical specialists, yet he won't believe you!

"Are you a paediatrician? No? Then shut up"

Seriously OP, I have never recommended NC with parents before because I know how painful it is. But your dad is horrible to you. You dunt have to put up with it.

Please move! Find a place perhaps where accessing medical appointments / getting to work would be easier as well, make this a move TO something.
Please find ways of minimising contact and hearing your parents bullshit.

OMG. Your parents are toxic. Cut them out of your life - and I don't say that lightly. You've had so much to deal with; they should be supporting you, not being abusive twats.

My son was born with disabilities . It's very hard op. if you have supportive people around you it's very, very difficult.

You don't need these two dreadful people in your life.

If they are not part of the solution...they are part of the problem.

They are the problem. I'm the last one to cut out family but I would have to go NC for my own sanity.
You are doing a great job and you don't need their insufferable interference.

If you don't want to move...don't. Tell your sis on pain of death NOT to discuss your children with them. Prime her to say if you want to know about so and so then you'll have to ask your daughter.

Tell your parents/ write to them if it's easier and say you find their comments unhelpful and upsetting so from now on they are not allowed in your house. If you see them going into sis house you will say hello but that would be it.

You need to heal. You are doing a great job.

I tell you how that conversation would have gone if I was having it.

Dad

Me:- "I am disgusted at how clueless you are about your own grand child's conditions, now get the fuck out of my house and do some reading, when you're better informed then we will talk."

I know this because I had the exact same conversation with my own parents and my FIL and a version of it with my nosy neighbour and they all got the same treatment - both my children have autism. The above is what I said to them finally, except my parents as I was in their house so just left after saying it, and it felt great after years of being attacked and disbelieved.

Another one who agrees with your dh. Move away. Very hard to minimise contact where you are living.

Your df is an arse, btw.

YANBU. They sound quite mad

Esmeismyhero you are going through so much. I'm angry for you that your parents are undermining you and making things worse for you.

You really need to speak to your parents and establish firm boundaries. DD is YOUR child, YOUR responsibility, NOT theirs. They may love her, but it is not healthy when they are both questioning you constantly. You may have respect for your father, but he certainly has very little for you, judging by his behaviour and attitude to your family.

Most of all, perhaps you should think of moving house. You will be more able to cope with what's going on with your DD without your parents' constant invasive presence. The threat of your father's - reporting you to Social Services - would have been the final line crossed for me.

Thank you everyone, the paediatrician has also referred dd to a six week preschool that has educational psychologists etc to assess her behaviour and needs, apparently I would be ostracising her from normal people and that the glasses and hearing aid will make her life hell because she already has a disfigurement.

I feel so angry right now, who the hell are they to say that. It doesn't matter what a child has or hasn't got special needs kids are just as lovely and beautiful. It makes me think they are trying to normalise dd conditions so they don't have to deal with it.

Are they ashamed of her? sad

Well your parents are complete nutters, but you are doing brilliantly

Do they always need someone or something else to blame when things don't go to plan?

It makes me think they are trying to normalise dd conditions so they don't have to deal with it.

You are probably bang on the money there esme. Their anger and grief at her condition is being transmuted into anger at you for treating it as a real thing. Because, obviously, she'd magically be all better if you just ignored it and stopped giving her needs the time of day