Aibu? Dm and ddad questioning my parenting long

[Esmeismyhero]

I have written a fair few threads about things that are going on at home. I have had a few days to think and I need some support, advice and anything you lovely mnetters can offer.

This post is outing but I'm past caring and I don't want to name change.

My dd is 3 yrs old 4 in March, she was born with the 7th cranial nerve missing (resulting in a paralysed face on the right side) now she's older other medical needs etc have become apparent.

Hyperacusis - we always knew she was sensitive to sounds but now she is able to vocalise what hurts, is uncomfortable etc. We have been referred to ENT to have tests and possible have a hearing aid that emits a low frequency so sounds are not painful.

Long sighted - her right eye has a larger perscription ion than her left but she needs glasses and the optician thinks she will always need glasses. No other eye problems apart from needing eye drops because she cannot close her right eye.

Recurrent infections - Utis mostly, she has had scans on her kidneys which appear normal but has microscopic blood in her urine constantly and has been hospitalised twice for iv antibiotics for uti alone. She is now under a renal specialist.

Sleep apnea - she would stop for up to 20 seconds, due to her paralysis but she had enlarged tonsils and adenoids, she had her tonsils and adenoids removed on Friday just gone (and the reason everything has blown up), she was hospital until yesterday because she suffered a bleed from the throat and had a post op infection which she was admitted for.

Behaviour issues - this is the link to my thread

Blood disorder - she has a condition where her blood clots too much so is monitored after operations and treatments but so far hasn't had to have blood thinners.

Hypermobility - again she has been referred to a specialist.

So in all dd has had problems since birth but I think we have all coped very well, dd was going to preschool but has not been in 2 weeks due to sickness (uti) and medical appointments plus an operation.

She has been referred to an education psychologist who will assess dd before she starts school in September to see if she needs additional help etc.

So dd had her adenoid/ tonsillectomy on Friday, she was released Friday night, Saturday morning she had quite a big bleed and was admitted again (apparently this can be common) she then started having rigors and fevers in the 40s so she was treated with antibiotics and released yesterday afternoon.

So Monday I came home from the hospital and dh stayed with dd for a few hours, I got my ds from school, tidied up a bit, got some more things for hospital and just had a break because I was exhausted.

My ddad had a day off work and didn't even ask about dd but proceeded to lay into me with the following points.

• dd shouldn't of had her tonsils out because she never had tonsillitis (obviously but it was for sleep apnea which my parents think doesn't exist and I'm just being over protective).

• the reason she got an infection after the operation is because I gave her a bottle of milk, plus she didn't need the operation anyway.

• I'm forever getting her tested and in his words "she's been stuck (I guess her means blood tests) cut (I guess again he means operations) and tested and she isn't having a childhood.

I'm taking away her childhood because she's always in hospital or being tested for something.

She's had two general anaesthetic Mris because they didn't know what was causing the palsy.

In ddad and dm words "there are children with spina bifida and worse conditions that dd and because she doesn't have anything life threatening" I should stop all treatments and let her be a kid. When she is older and has the ability to make decisions then she can be tested "poked and prodded".

I tried to explain to them that I know they are worried as am I but I cannot stop her having her glasses, hearing tests etc because she needs these things.

My ddad then said I was making everything seem bigger than it was (I faked her opticians exam and apparently just requested her tonsils removed and the Drs agreed) and so they will support me but they won't give me any sympathy.

My ddad said he was going to report me to social services for child abuse because "I won't leave her alone".

I did ask why they chose to do this when dd was in hospital and I've got enough guilt about dds medical conditions and apparently I was making it about me again.

I was so tired and tbh the thought of not getting my dd medical treatments she needs because my parents (who have given me enough problems, I've been through hell with them tbh) think I should let her be a kid is ridiculous.

Ddad said I didn't even let her play with dolls? I don't know what that was about but I think he was clutching at straws.

I went back to the hospital in tears (I didn't get a word in edge ways to try and make them see reason) dh is furious.

My dsis lives next door to me and our parents are round everyday, I'm not an argumentative person so I just stayed quiet, this morning they came through my back garden to access my sisters house.

I went round to say dd had been released and to say hi. Ddad walked off and didn't say a word, dm just said she knew she was released, then looked in my back door saw dd had just pants on then lectured me on why she wasn't dressed. The reason is because she is very itchy, hot and still having fevers. The house is warm and I'm not going to make her uncomfortable.

Dh wants to move, I want to scream. We're so stressed out and now I'm worrying about social services knocking on our door because of my parents.

I spoke to my health visitor and she said nothing would come of ss because I'm doing everything a responsible parent would.

I've made an appointment with our gp to discuss my parents concerns and she is going to kindly write a letter to ease their concerns, I don't know what else I can do. I just need to concentrate on dd getting better but now I hate myself for everything she is going through.

I have depression from when I was a teenager and suffered panic attacks etc and after my parents rant at me I had a panic attack which I haven't had in years. It was horrible.

What do I do? Aibu? I need someone to talk to.

I would be ostracising her from normal people and that the glasses and hearing aid will make her life hell

Your DD is normal but i would think about ostracising her from arseholes your DF.

Not wearing his glasses would be more likely to make DS2's life hell than wearing them . Why should someone struggle with a condition that is easily fixed because someone else has a funny idea of normality. Where I work in the City, more people wear glasses or lens than don't and several people have external hearing aids (obviously don't know about the in ear ones).

I don't think they have accepted your DD's disabilities at all.

I would move. Start scouting for an excellent primary school and get a house close to it. It will make the next 6 years of primary much easier and get you away from your parents.

The stress involved even in minor low level problems is huge, I can't imagine the strain of worry and responsibility of her eye, general anaesthetics, so many consultants to manage, UTI issues etc. There is no fecking way I'd do in close proximity of such arseholes. You need constant support and assurance. You don't need them in your life and neither does your daughter.

OP, your parents are ignorant, poisonous bullies. They are bullying you! What do they want? Do they want her to be unable to see properly and unable to hear well? Look, YOU are her mother, YOU, not them. You do not need to justify your DD's medical treatment to them, in fact, you do not need to tell them at all. Limit the amount of information they, or your sister, are told as they are using this information as a stick to beat you with. Also, they don't need to see you every day. Your DH must be fed up of them, too.

I'm so angry on your behalf, really! As if you don't have enough to cope with, without them continually chirping in your ear and making you feel like shit.

YOU ARE A GOOD, CARING, LOVING MOTHER! Please believe that.

By ignoring it, I'd be giving her a normal childhood although I didn't have a normal childhood so I don't know what they are banging on about.

When dd was having medical tests etc I felt awful then going back after dads triage I was freaking out. I felt guilt like nothing before which triggered a panic attack, I was terrified the nurses thought I was doing this to her.

I hate myself for her problems, dh had a vasectomy when I was pregnant with dd at 26 weeks because we never want to go through multiple loss and the chance of further dc having problems.

I say this in the kindest possible way OP but please stop going back for more. After so much abuse (and I don't use that word lightly), please try to stop including them or keeping them updated on your family. Your obligations now are to your DH and your DCs. It's not necessarily good for your kids to have a relationship with your Dad either. Yes, they may adore him but a bully like him loves the attention of those who adore him. What will happen when they start to have opinions of their own and realise that he is not as perfect as he seems now? Will he trample all over their spirits too? If you really feel that you can't take a step back then I think your DH may be right. It's time to move.

I'm sorry to say this, but this whole setup with your parents sounds seriously fucked up. Your dad seems to think he's King of the Castle and everyone around him is pandering to it.

Wolpertinger had it on the nose with her post at 10.02. You've been priding yourselves on having a close family and him having your best interests at heart, but that really isn't the case at all. In fact, I'd almost go so far as to say it sounds a bit sinister. It is for you and your dh, as parents, to run your lives and your dd's health issues in collaboration with the medics who know best. Not your dad, with his trumped-up notions of being some sort of God within the family.

I have depression from when I was a teenager and suffered panic attacks etc
Wow - that's hardly surprising look at your parents and their behaviour.
I agree with everyone else.
I think it would do you all the world of good to move away from your parents.
They sound vile to be honest!

It sounds like your Dad likes to control his family
And your mum likes your dad to control his family
And your dad doesn't like anyone else (eg Drs surgeons and other healthcare personel) having control over what happens to anyone in your family, so if they recommend or says your DD needs something he's not having it because it wasn't his idea/decision and it is chewing him up that this is happening. Especially as you have already taken some control away by him seeing your DD less.
I would go as far as to say, I suspect he isn't worried about your DD having all those tests and treatments, and he probably doesn't find it upsetting, he just does not like that it is all happening without him in control of it.

To get that much control I don't say this likely there must have been abuse in your background, not all abuse is physical or sexual, but to train a child up to accept that takes some work, and I suspect that maybe it is where the roots of your MH problems lie. .
Someone with good MH does not behave the way he has.

There is even a degree of control over using your backgarden to access your sister's house, if he is going there why isn't he using her front door?

I think that they are denying that your dd is disabled. They are wrong to do so and you can't really reason with them until they come to their senses!

Listen to your husband.

Don't hate yourself for her problems. You aren't responsible at all. Building a human is a complex process and most of us have some anomalies.

I think the negativity you get from your family is causing you to focus on your DD's problems rather than being able to appreciate all the good things. Stop and think for a minute about all the things that make your DD wonderful. Is there something she says or does that makes your heart skip a beat? Focus on those.

apparently I would be ostracising her from normal people and that the glasses and hearing aid will make her life hell

I am extremely short sighted and must wear glasses to have any kind of normal life.

I also have hearing aids in both ears.

I have a fantastic life, am not ostracised, and your aprents are twats who don't have your DD's interests at heart.

When incywincybitofa and others mentioned control, they wrote exactly what I was thinking.

Move away, OP, and go NC. Your life will be better for it, and so will your DD's/DH's.

Be angry. Act on that anger. Your parents are monstrous and abusive, get them out of your life and blossom. You Dd doesn't need these people in her life.

"My dsis lives next door to me and our parents are round everyday"

That's just too much imo.

"I've made an appointment with our gp to discuss my parents concerns"

Why?

If they have concerns then they can go to their own GP on their own time.

Don't give the shit that your dad spouts any relevance at all by entertaining it.

Dont worry about it, like you i have a child with needs, he has Hypercussis as well as sensory proccessing as well as being on the spectrum,although we have no diagnoses for that yet, we are always at some appointment or other and its bloody hard work, my son is extremley violent and always threatening to kill himself, now he kicks off going to school, has huge meltdowns at home, and one day i said to the peadatrician i am so scared socail services will end up on the doorstep from all the raket at our house, she told me not to worry because they would see all the evidence from his notes.

I think your dad it totally wrong, our lives are hard enough as it is without having family putting you down, if i were you i would cut him out your life if he is always like this, you dont need it you have enough problems as it is without anymore being created out of nothing xxxx

Oh and the hearing aids for hupercussis will help, we had the white noise generators and now we have moved onto pink noise, although getting him to wear them at the moment is a different story due to him kickin off every morning xx

Reading your post has actually made me cry, I feel really sad for you. You sound like a brilliant mum, doing the best for your dd. Any parent that cared would do exactly what you have done regarding the testing etc. You have not done this to her, you are doing your very best to let her lead a normal life despite her problems. If you ignore problems they do not just go away, they get worse and lead to other problems.

I am sad that your dparents are not supporting you properly, and you can't rely on them emotionally. In fact I think staying away from them completely is the best thing to do unless they apologise fully. And put a lock on your gate so they can't access your garden! They have behaved extremely poorly to you and you deserve much better than that, it sounds like you have been through an awful lot. If you start feeling bad, try to think of the good things and not dwell on the bad things. And remember, you know whats best for your dd, you are her mother, trust yourself.

Thank you everyone, I feel a lot better knowing I'm nbu. Dh and I are going to talk to my sister about access to her house and stop them using our back garden. Hence stopping the control shite.

I've just had two more letters today for plastics and renal appointments. It's never fucking ending :( my poor baby.

Oh yeah my ddad said dd must feel like a dog constantly going to the vets with the amount time I'm making up her problems.

I had this with ds2 while we were going through the mill with hospital appointments etc for epilepsy, possible asd and a possibly life limiting condition. Dmil actually went as far as accusing me of having munchhausens and making it all up to get attention - despite the fact that she had witnessed ds having fits up to 30 times an hour. Tried to tell his paediatrician that she didn't know what she was talking about and that he didn't need medicating as his destiny was to deal with the fits himself without any intervention. Complained to all and sundry that I was treating him as if he was disabled and that I was making him like it refused to go out with us if he was wearing his protective head gear as it wasn't necessary.

The last straw was when she accused me of being ashamed of my "broken" ds cos I refused to let him go away for the weekend with her to see friends - I knew if he went she wouldn't give him his meds as apparently he didn't need them.

I backed off from her and kept communication to a minimum which was difficult as she lives very near us. 5 years down line we speak but there is still no love lost.

You know you are doing what is best for your child - ignore them which is easier said than done

whojam my parents have also accused me of using dd to get attention so inadvertently saying munchausens by proxy.

My dm once said depression doesn't exist it's a white woman hysteria (don't even ask because I don't even know how she came up with that conclusion).

No wonder II've always struggled, thinking today about my childhood and past I can actually honestly say they have always been like this.

Thinking back to when I had a concealed pregnancy and what happened after. I don't even remember getting a cuddle tbh. I remember my dad saying it was my fault because I was always kissing boys (wtf) I moved out at 15 but still I can't escape.

At this point I want to scream and shout at them and give them a piece of my mind but then I would just be banging my head against a brick wall and that's not my style.

It sounds like your father is in denial about your DD's problem solved. It is easier for him to blame you than accept she has complex lifelong medical needs for which she needs treatment.

It's awful however that he is unable to see the pain, stress and anxiety he is causing you by putting the blame on him.

Perhaps you could invite him to some of your DD's medical appointments. He may find it easier to hear the medical implications of her condition coming from professionals.

However if he has form for acting like this maybe you would be better going NC. Surround yourself with kind, supportive people who make your life happier and easier. There is no need to keep anyone who doesn't do this in your life regardless of whether they are family or not.

You know, if yourparents really believed that you were harming your daughter, they wouldn't just carp on to you, would they?

mynew even if I did invite ddad and dm to med apps they wouldn't go and tbh my ddad can be intimidating and I wouldn't want him to argue with the dr etc.

Your parents are total shits. And they're minimising your DD's ill-health because they find the idea of her being ill upsetting. I really would consider moving. We have a very similar dynamic with my DF and you cannot get through to this sort of person.